The Truth I've Tried to Not Acknowledge

[SaltyCheese]

I’m not even sure where to begin, mostly because I’ve been bullied into questioning the reality I thought I knew for a very long time now.

To start, I guess I should say I am in my early 30s and am currently in the middle of my residency in a surgical subspecialty. I am an only child who was formerly homeschooled, partly because I was being bullied in school and partly, I suspect, because my mother felt she was losing control over me.

Mom has always been “feisty”, but this feistiness has turned progressively hurtful to many people in her life over the past 25 years. Things started to go badly between us in my early teens. She could go from being fine to being in a fit of rage within the span of hours, oftentimes without a clear cause. She would sometimes lash out and call me vulgar sexual names or question my sexuality because I was a bit of a tomboy. She would insinuate that I was out-of-shape and yet bake cakes/candies/cookies routinely and get angry if I did not eat them. It seemed like the loved me. It seemed like she hated me. Things weren’t always bad, but they were always volatile. My life during secondary school and college, during which time I lived at home, remained this way.

I moved several hours away after college at which point the bottom sort of fell out. Mom despaired and was grief-stricken. She lost a lot of weight, started smoking more, eating less, sleeping less, and hoarding cats (there were 50 or 60 in the house at some point). Things were meta-stable during this time period and my medical school years despite me moving further away. Although we continued to talk, it became increasingly apparent that her relationships external to the immediate family had all fallen apart (work, friends, parents/siblings) and that the cat hoarding problem was not going away.

Since starting residency (the past five years), our relationship has gotten quite bad at times. She refuses to acknowledge her role in our past problems, has isolated herself further now becoming essentially a hermit in a house destroyed by felines. She constantly belittles my father who continues to do nothing (just as he did when she would scream at me growing up). She cannot hold a job, has very disordered eating, and consistently berates me for my profession because she hates all doctors and especially the kinds of surgeries I do. She is depressed because I moved "so far" away and yet never once has visited me. I call frequently, with each call lasting about an hour, and text almost daily. It is never enough because her "best friend" and "reason for living" moved away. I have lived such a guilty existence because of this I nearly quit medicine so that I could see her more often and be a better daughter.

I never had much of a social life or romantic prospects as she pretty much hated all of my friends, and certainly any boys in the groups I would bring over. In recent years I started dating, and have subsequently moved in with, a lovely co-resident of mine. After assuring myself he was 1.) a good person and 2.) likely to stick around for awhile, I brought him home recently to meet the family. She not unsurprisingly hated him, thinks he’s ruining my life and will ruin the career she has continually harassed me about for years. It came to a head recently when she told me that if he sticks around she will not be in my life.  We argued over the phone and ultimately she hung up on me twice.

I’m sad that this could be it for us. I’m sad because things weren’t always bad… in fact, when they were good, they were really really good. She has moments of clarity in which she is normal and says “normal mom stuff” and I cherish those times and hope that they linger. But they haven’t. I don’t want to choose between my BF and my family, but this will be the fourth time I’ve been disowned (a college scholarship, feeling like I was “an uppity doctor”, and my grandmother being the triggers for the prior three estrangements). I guess I just realized that even though this hurts like the dickens, getting rid of the BF won’t keep me from getting disowned 3 months or two years from now for some completely arbitrary reason. I’m tired of living in a hypercritical environment and under a constant presumption of guilt. I’m tired of labile emotions and refraining from being my true self/expressing my true opinion because it will literally blow up into a huge argument (examples: obesity, gut yeast, minorities). I’m tired of not having a quasi-normal family that loves each other no matter what the other people do. I’m tired of conditional love. I'm tired of trying to deny what the internet and my medical degree both tell me... .that my mom, like her mother before her, likely suffer from borderline personality disorder.

This is long and I have work I should be doing, so I’ll end this now. Thanks for reading. No need to reply. Just needed to vent.

[Turkish]

I’m tired of not having a quasi-normal family that loves each other no matter what the other people do. I’m tired of conditional love. I'm tired of trying to deny what the internet and my medical degree both tell me... .that my mom, like her mother before her, likely suffer from borderline personality disorder.

SaltyCheese,

First:  

Second: I think that you should be really proud of yourself for how far you've come. Despite, not because.

Conditional love may be love on some level, but it leans far more towards need. BPD is partly a shame-based disorder. The feeling of shame denotes, "I'm a bad person (unworthy of love); whereas, guilt is a heathier emotion, "I did something wrong, and here's what I'm going to do to rectify it." Your mother berates you because she likely feels shame about herself. This is neither your fault, nor your responsibility.

I received similar, though not as obvious signals from my mom, well into my 30s. That I had made a terrible career choice. Being an RN, I think she would have moves for me to be an MD, or even an RN (or NP or PA). That was her trying to make me like her to validate herself. In your mother's case, it may be trying to drag you down to be like her so she can get (dysfunctional) validation.

Regarding relationships: it was written 2,500 years ago in one book, "therefore a man [woman[ leaves his [her] mother and cleaves to his [her] wife [husband]." Maybe the ancients had something there. Maybe this is a problem of the human condition, whatever that is.

You have every right to select the mate of your own choosing. Whether or not you have kids, this becomes your primary family. The resistance to what is the natural order of things (and this doesn't necessitate dishonoring parents, but healthy boundaries here become both important and also necessary) is a significant, but common struggle for us.

In short, you deserve your own life.

SC,



Turkish

[isilme]

I totally understand coming here to vent - I can't easily share this stuff with people in RL.  But I also know it's validating to have others respond, and wanted to chime in quickly.

I know it's hard to accept that someone you love is toxic to your well being, and that unless they want to make a change, nothing will ever "fix" that.  For a person who shows the signs of BPD, admitting blame = shame, and avoiding shame is their main motivation, so whatever is wrong is always someone else, and a child, even a grown one, is a pretty easy target for blame. 

MY mom is destructive, and had no problem trying to take me down with her spirals, as she sought to have adult me step in and save her form herself, all the while fighting my efforts.  After several bouts of evictions, job loss, possibly false sexual abuse allegations, and yes, even arrests, by my early 30s I realized I had two choices - do what she wants and give up my own life to do what I did as a child and be her caretaker, forever... .or go No Contact.  I know some people are able to establish good boundaries, and can be in Limited Contact - but ANY contact seems to trigger her ID theft of my and FI's mother's identities, and other nonsense.  It got out of hand, stopping all contact somehow made her stop. 

I know she tells the world I am a horrible daughter who abandoned her, but I kinda remember being a small child handed an alarm clock and being told to not be late to school or need a ride or there'd be trouble (aka - dad and a belt).  A child being left alone all day outside of school, isolated from family by distance as well as disorder, and forbidden for the most part to have friends, to leave the house, or to have any over.  I played in basements for crying out loud, so as not to disturb her, with an intercom set up so she could buzz me when she wanted something.  Who abandoned who, exactly?  Who goaded her husband into anger so he'd beat me (yes, he chose to do it, but she pushed lots of buttons - she also tried to get him to kill her, and commit suicide, multiple times).

After a break from her, enforced by dad (also BPD/asd), I was able to get my head on a little.  After he kicked me out at 19, I finally got away from all of it, and started learning who I am, and started the long road to healing. 

NC is hard.  Sometimes it does not have to be forever.  Sometimes, I think it does.  I am getting married, finally, to FI, who knows my parents are crazy and was with me through lots of their destructive actions, but at times I really, really want a MOM, t share this with.  FI's mo is okay, and she's been great to me, but it's not the same as what my friends have had as tehir weddings approached.  I hate having to be an orphan of people who are alive.  As I pulled away form each of them, they seem to have wanted to destroy me - dad through libel and slandering me, mom through hurting herself so much I'd have to cave into FOG and go save her.  When I succumbed to neither, they did not know what to do.  Dad stalked us for a while.  Mom has her son, my half brother I barely know, try to guilt me in to talking to her again.

In your case, I recommend at least a short period of NC.  Be aware your mom might have an "extinction burst" where she does something drastic or dramatic to shake you up.  Anyway, I know it's a hard road to walk - I'm here, too, and so are lots on here.  I know other people may not understand the choices in front of you, but we do.  Good luck, take care of you.

[Notwendy]

Hi SaltyCheese,

Congratulations on such an achievement, and also on meeting someone who cares about you. I think you realize that you don't have to give up on achieving or having a happy relationship in order to meet your mother's demands. I will also propose that even if you did ( and I hope you don't) go so far as giving up your career and any relationships just to please her, she would be as unhappy as always and you would be too.

It is good that you vented here and also to ask for help. Even though you are a strong and accomplished person, it still hurts to not feel unconditionally loved by a parent.

Your mother's actions and statements are not at all about you. It is her own lack of self worth and inner misery that is the source of them. It is very sad to think that she is this unhappy, but this is her own situation and because it is a part of her, nothing you can do can change it. In fact, your happiness at your achievements and relationship may be triggering to her- a reminder that she didn't accomplish this, a reminder that if you are successful or fall in love that you might not need her and if that happens she fears you could abandon her. Ironically, the behaviors that are a result of abandonment fears can bring about the very thing they don't want- people staying away from them. But you must do what you feel you need to do to take care of your own sanity.

A word of advice- don't be afraid to ask for help- counseling is very helpful at dealing with these issues. You have spent a lot of time mastering certain skills, but relationship skills and emotional growth are different skills- and they can be learned. Right now, there is likely little to no time- a surgical residency is demanding- but it also requires putting other issues aside for the moment. Still, considering to seek help- someone to talk to- when you can may help.

As a surgeon, you probably enjoy that you can fix things. But what your mother has isn't easily fixed would take hard work and therapy on her part, and she may or may not choose that. It is also completely out of your hands. You can not fix her, no matter what you do. However, you can learn about BPD, how it impacts her, and you, and hopefully come to terms with it. Mostly, you can live your life as you wish and as you should.

[Notwendy]

I want to add that I have seen this kind of behavior in co-dependent families where there is a fear of success of a member. I recall one family with a very bright child who made it difficult for him to attend college. This was not financial, he had scholarships, but they still made it difficult for him to go.

They also have a lot of enabling behaviors that have made it hard for this student to leave his hometown. They appear to be loving and have his best interest at heart.

Although it doesn't make sense for a family to not wish success for a member, the opposite seems to happen. These are families who are enmeshed, and a member doing something different is seen as a threat or criticism.

[busybee1116]

Hi Salty,

I'm a doctor too. I figured out my mom prob has BPD a few years after I finished residency, around same age as you (mid 30s). The thing I have learned is that no matter what, her response will be the same. It's never good enough. Being a good student, becoming a doctor, catering to her whims--even then sometimes she unpredictably splits. Even when I do call/visit/lived closer. I get the same response whether I'm a "good daughter" or not. So I realized--if the result is going to be the same, I should just live my life, take care of myself because she is not in my corner. It sucks, but it's also liberating. It took me awhile to realize who I am, what I like, what I feel because I'd spent so much time seeing myself through her distorted perception. Glad you found this site. Live your life  

[busybee1116]

I’m sad that this could be it for us. I’m sad because things weren’t always bad… in fact, when they were good, they were really really good. She has moments of clarity in which she is normal and says “normal mom stuff” and I cherish those times and hope that they linger. But they haven’t. I don’t want to choose between my BF and my family, but this will be the fourth time I’ve been disowned (a college scholarship, feeling like I was “an uppity doctor”, and my grandmother being the triggers for the prior three estrangements). I guess I just realized that even though this hurts like the dickens, getting rid of the BF won’t keep me from getting disowned 3 months or two years from now for some completely arbitrary reason. I’m tired of living in a hypercritical environment and under a constant presumption of guilt. I’m tired of labile emotions and refraining from being my true self/expressing my true opinion because it will literally blow up into a huge argument (examples: obesity, gut yeast, minorities). I’m tired of not having a quasi-normal family that loves each other no matter what the other people do. I’m tired of conditional love. I'm tired of trying to deny what the internet and my medical degree both tell me... .that my mom, like her mother before her, likely suffer from borderline personality disorder.

This is one of the threads I read that was life-changing for me--how to handle the ups and downs using a technique called "medium chill." So easy to live for the good moments when you are praised, cherished and admired by her--because they are so good, and get sucked into them as much as the moments where you are belittled, invalidated and disowned.  How to respond, not react. Hope it helps you too.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=114204.0

[GreenGlit]

I know what this is like so much - I'm also *almost* a doctor (I graduate in May [and going into anesthesia!]), I also grew up in a sometimes good but always volatile home, and my mother also has BPD and has taken her "best friend" who has "moved away" very hard.

What you said here stood out to me.

"I’m sad that this could be it for us. I’m sad because things weren’t always bad… in fact, when they were good, they were really really good. She has moments of clarity in which she is normal and says “normal mom stuff” and I cherish those times and hope that they linger. But they haven’t. I don’t want to choose between my BF and my family, but this will be the fourth time I’ve been disowned"

I so feel this. I still cherish my childhood memories of my mother taking care of me when I was sick, or saving the day with XYZ crisis, or cuddling with me at night when I was scared as a little girl. I also lost my relationship with my mom when I met my now-husband. At first my mother loved him, mostly because objectively he's a great guy in every way. But when she realized that someone else would care for me, and be my best friend, and provide support, and be by my side - when she felt I didn't *need* her in the same way I did as a child, she lost it. I too almost left medicine, almost left my relationship, and was taken to the brink of my sanity with the desperate desire to be a better daughter.

What you said stood out to me because it is not YOU that needs to choose between your relationship and your family. You clearly choose both. It is your mother who is choosing between those two things. Your mother has given you an impossible choice, because I think you know, as I do, that it is no choice at all. Even if you were to sacrifice your life, your wants, your self, to do her bidding 100% of your existence, it still wouldn't be enough. Something would trigger her to say those hurtful things, and like you said, something will eventually trigger her to disown you again. In the meantime you have left your own life to serve someone else who has no concept of you as an independent individual, and not an extension of herself.

Your mother loves you - immensely. But she is unable to love you in the way you need. I know it hurts because every day I mourn the reality that, while some moments with my mother were happy, I largely lived a life lacking in the unconditional affection that every child deserves from their parent. I grew up knowing if I made a wrong step, my mother would stop loving me (mostly temporarily, but that didn't stop me from fearing it). So from someone who knows how it feels - I'm truly sorry.

I hope you keep fighting for yourself and your happiness and your independence. After all you've worked for and accomplished, you deserve that.

[SaltyCheese]

Wow, thank you all, really. Your words and your wisdom has given me much comfort and clarity at a time when it is much needed. Sorry my response has been delayed. In the week since the argument with my mother I've fallen back into old coping habits, namely working to the point of exhaustion, going home to pass out, and getting up to do it all over again. While the schedule is good for productivity and not having to think about things other than work, it's hard on body and soul.

I am saddened to see so many people in the same situation as me, but relieved by it as well. Your stories and advice are really appreciated. It seems so simple, but as many of you mentioned, it's not me that walked away from our relationship. She did. While there have been moments in each day when I think I should call her and apologize/do something to help mend this rift in our family, I know that not only would this wound not mend, another would form in short order. I also know that in the week since we've ceased all contact, I've felt a very subtle, yet strong sense of freedom. I feel horribly guilty and selfish saying this, but it makes it no less true... .I like my life without the constant threat of drama and rage, and if that means family-free, well then, so be it.

Thank you again for your help and wisdom.