Attack of the Cardboard Gnome

[Chilibean13]

[img] (Does anyone know how to get the photo to work?

This is Flicker, the cardboard gnome. Flicker is something fun and family friendly that my church came up with during Christmas. It got people talking about our church because people would post pictures of themselves and family doing Christmas activities and other fun stuff with Flicker. Flicker just caused my H to dysregulate. Why? Because I supposedly made a sexual comment about him on FB.

Here's the story. We are starting small groups tonight. I'm leading a women's group and our media director at church asked me to take a couple of photos with Flicker for a video he is working on for Sunday. It's to highlight the different small groups. So in fun, I posted to FB:

"Hey ladies, I just heard that Flicker will be at our small group tonight. What should we do with him since it's a women's only group. Hmmmm. I bet we can figure something out."

A little later I get a text from my H going off on how I'm talking about being sexual with this paper gnome. I didn't know exactly what was causing this. But I validated how I guess I could see how someone would take this but that I disagreed that's what it meant.He then made reference to the other sexual things I posted on fb today, such as: What do you call a camel with no hump? Humphrey!

At that point I validated how he was feeling but I refused to admit that I did anything wrong.

AN hour later, he finally calmed down. He apologized for overreacting. I did not apologize for my posts. He claims he worries how people will take what I say.

Although he dysregulated through text for an hour I have to say it was a huge win for me! I didn't JADE. And even better I didn't lose my cool. I actually felt really sorry for him that he was upset about a cardboard gnome. I realized how dark and insecure his world really is. And then I thought perhaps he may have a sexual problem to see so much sex in both of those completely inocuous posts.

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[Scarlet Phoenix]

(Does anyone know how to get the photo to work?

Hmm, does this work?

*modified to edit that it didn't work (I tried to remove the [img] at the end that shouldn't be there)

Although he dysregulated through text for an hour I have to say it was a huge win for me! I didn't JADE. And even better I didn't lose my cool. I actually felt really sorry for him that he was upset about a cardboard gnome. I realized how dark and insecure his world really is.

Good job   It takes a while to get to that place, but it's a much better place to observe from rather than being in the boxing ring with our partners

[Jessica84]

You were going to abandon him for a cardboard gnome! 

It's really something how intense they can get over literally anything. Sure makes validation easier when we don't lose our cool. For me, that sometimes means chuckling on the inside. Or seeing him as a toddler having a tantrum. Or feeling sorry for him. Whatever works. Good for you for not getting drawn in!

In the moment, it can be hard not to jade. But if you tried to defend yourself with this, what would that even look like? A trip down weirdness, that's what. You'd go crazy assuring him you weren't going to make out with the paper cutout... .or explaining the camel joke... .or defending your commitment to him... .which all could lead to outrage, slammed doors and a silent treatment. Then you'd be scratching your head that it escalated to that point over something so silly. At least, that was my experience over a million little things like this.

[Notwendy]

Good for you for not JADEing. After seeing the absurdities in some of the dysregulations, the challenge will be to not giggle, which would be hurtful, but really, anger over a cardboard figure could make you giggle.

This could also invoke sympathy, instead of fear, when it is possible to see how much these dysragulations are based on the imagination- the interpretation of events- rather than the actual situation.

It's also a breakthrough for you. When we have gotten emotionally wrapped up in the dysregulations it is because we have also had poor boundaries on our own sense of reality. When accused, we are emotionally triggered and JADE. JADE ing in a sense, validates the accusation - because if we are secure that the accusation is absurd, then there is nothing to defend. I've used the example of a pink elephant- if someone called you that, you wouldn't defend it because it is absurd- there is no way you are a pink elephant. But if someone accuses you of flirting- you know you didn't intend to flirt, but you'd think - maybe? did I? How could he think that? There would be an emotional response- but if there was no intention, then that accusation doesn't warrant an emotional response either. It is the reaction that fuels the emotion of the moment. Not being reactive gets you off the drama triangle.

[ColdEthyl]

Good job, Chilibean! You nailed this one!

Yeah that magical thinking can get ya. I have a hard time of looking at mine crosseyed sometimes. It's hard to validate the thought when they are out of nowhere and so absurd. Well done

[Cat Familiar]

Thanks for the laugh Chilibean!

I had a similar situation with a BPD boyfriend I dated in-between BPD husbands. It involves a cup that holds pens and pencils. The cup has cartoon rabbits fornicating in a variety of positions. You have to look carefully to see what's actually going on--otherwise it's just a bunch of random line drawings of rabbits, some upside down, some sideways.

Anyway, this boyfriend got really offended that I had this cup on a windowsill in my office where my handyman could possibly see it. I thought that was ridiculous and funny--but I just left it where it was and he was welcome to have his little tantrum about it.