First post and feeling excited

[Angeismyname]

I discovered this site about a month ago and already I've found that reading other people's experiences that mirror my own has helped me on the road to healing from my uBPD dad's behaviour. In turn I've also started the hard work of looking deeply into myself to make sure I don't perpetuate the faulty coping mechanisms I've learnt as a result of my upbringing.

I learnt about BPD about a year ago and for the first time, I felt validated - that I hadn't been making things up, "over-reacting", or just going through what every daughter goes through in adolescence with their father as people used to tell me when I was younger even as I became aware that things really weren't like that in other families. The pain of his reactions was made infinitely more painful when, after finally confiding in a few other people how I was feeling or how he acted,  they would dismiss it or even worse, put it back on me.

Realising that he is mentally unwell has led to me radically accepting him and for the first Christmas EVER, I managed 3 days of me staying with him and mum and us not falling out. It doesn't sound like much but it meant a lot. 

The hardest thing on this journey so far has been that although a specialist confirmed that I am not BPD myself, I've realised I have inherited some BPD traits such as hypersensitivity to critisim by those I love, and constantly being in fight or flight mode (opting usually for the fight).

My wonderful boyfriend (who is the complete opposite of my Dad and all previous boyfriends!), through his patience, has helped me see that how I react to perceived criticism etc is damaging to our relationship and most other areas of my life and has spurred me on to do some real digging into myself to confront the fears of that little girl trying to survive that still lives inside of me. Realising the coping mechanisms that worked (or didn't work but helped me keep some weird notion of sense of self) when I was a child, do not serve me well as an adult. And that it's up to me to do whatever it takes to work through these and choose what I keep and what I don't.

I've admitted to myself that I don't have the tools to do what I need to do alone so have booked my first consultation with an EMDR specialist next week. In the subject line of this post I wrote I'm feeling excited. It's excited with a hint of trepidation - like when you're on a hike and you stand at the bottom of a mountain and know the view from the top is going to be AMAZING, but the journey up there will be tough and require huge amounts of strength and resolve to continue, the scale of which I can't really fathom yet. I think that's what this journey is going to be like. Reading the bpdfamily.com Survivors Guide 22 steps, it's hard to say exactly where I'm at right now but I think I'm at step 8/9. I'm determined to get through this and end the cycle of BPD.

Thank you to anyone who's posted words of wisdom and shared experiences that already have helped - for the first time, I felt like I wasn't alone in my experience. 

[Kwamina]

Hi Angeismyname

Thanks for making this first post and welcome to our online community

You have already been reading here for some time so you aren't completely new. I can very much relate to your feeling of being validated when learning about BPD. I felt the same way and on top of that it also felt very surreal to read articles and books that describe my experiences and family so well without the authors ever having seen or spoken to me or my family. All those years I thought I was the only one going through this so this was hugely validating indeed

Realising that he is mentally unwell has led to me radically accepting him and for the first Christmas EVER, I managed 3 days of me staying with him and mum and us not falling out. It doesn't sound like much but it meant a lot.  

That's significant progress and I can understand why this means so much to you Being able to radically accept reality as it is, is very important when dealing with disordered family members. To be able to make a radical change, we first need to radically accept or to use another word, radically acknowledge reality as it is. We can only change the things we acknowledge. If we don't acknowledge something, there is nothing to change.

You've already found the Survivors' Guide for adults who suffered childhood abuse. Many children of BPD parents find themselves struggling with certain BPD-like behaviors in their adult lives. This doesn't necessarily have to mean they have BPD though, often they are dealing with learned or copied unhealthy behaviors and developed coping mechanisms that might not serve them that well any more now that they are adults. There are some threads here that you might find helpful as you continue on your healing path:

Recognizing and dealing with our own unhealthy behaviors and coping mechanisms

Automatic negative thoughts: Talking back to your inner critic/negative voice

Dealing with trauma: PTSD, C-PTSD and emotional flashbacks

Take care

[HappyChappy]

Hi Angeismyname,

You do sound remarkably aware and I salute your positive attitude. 3 days without a row, quiet an achievement. I’m doing EMDR also, maybe we can compare notes, but so far so good in my camp. I have PTSD so ERDM and CBT are the two that present the best statistics on success rate. (according to N.I.C.E) Welcome to the board and look forward to hearing about your progress.  

HC

[Angeismyname]

Thanks Kwamina and HappyChappy. I had forgotten what I wrote for my first post (even though it was only 12 days ago)and read it again just now. It's wierd seeing it written down; my own experiences in my own words - out there for the world to see! Especially strange as, dont know about you guys and your family member, but I always tried to hide my dad's weirdness from friends and outside the immediate family. So writing so honestly feels quite alien... .but good.

You're kind in thinking I've got a positive attitude - maybe I do, but if I do it's already been a lot of work to reprogramme very negative thought processes, which probably only came out in the last edit of that first post. Re-reading those words again, I can tell I wrote them but I'm sure I had to re-visit them a few times to change them to be more positive.

I will definitely read the links you've kindly put up Kwamina, thank you and yes what you said about it feeling

I felt the same way and on top of that it also felt very surreal to read articles and books that describe my experiences and family so well without the authors ever having seen or spoken to me or my family. All those years I thought I was the only one going through this so this was hugely validating indeed

Yes! That's what was a huge relief. I especially found that reaction when reading the book Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder: A Family Guide for Healing and Change by M.A., Valerie Porr. Although this also made me confront the reality that, if finally I had that confirmation that I hadnt had a 'nornal' childhood, then maybe there are some things inside me - left over from coping with that childhood, which aren't as they could be... .

I had my first session with an accredited emdr therapist last week and it was an assessment so she could get my background and assess what she thinks would be the best course of treatment, ie whether emdr + CBT might help etc.

At the end of 1.5 hours she said I'd probably need another 2 hour long assessmeny sessions for her just to be able to get enough context and background info about my family and me and that it sounds like developmental trauma. I came away feeling quite depressed about that session- definitely not an easy fix then!

HappyChappy did you find you had to go through as much detail prior to starting any actual treatment? And how long have you been having treatment before you started noticing results?

Interested to hear your thoughts. She asked me what specific changes I want to notice in myself from treatment which I struggled to answer but re-reading the survivors guide to childhood abuse again has reminded me of the self-sabotage thing... .as well as being in constant fight/flight and being hypersensitive to body language etc... .

Also, something random I wondered does anyone else do is I always try to guess the plot of movies as I'm watching? I can't stand not trying to second guess whats going to happen and I wonder if that has anything to do with having a compulsion to scan the environment and second guess what will happen next... .or is that just me?

Thanks again for your welcome

[anon72]

Welcome Angelismyname, definitely hugely validating to find out that there are others that have also been through this - couldn't agree more!  My parents always told me how wonderful our family was - and that every family has problems - and yes it does - but BPD is not your average "bear" :D

Guess what, the self-sabotage, constant fight/flight, hypersensitive to body language etc. etc. - me too.  I find that the more mindfulness that I have done - in combination with CBT - the more I am aware of my tendencies/distorted thinking patterns.  In particular, I found that mindfulness really helped, although I was skeptical at first.  Sure, it is a work in progress, but definitely helps (in combo with CBT).

Re the plot of movies - not really - but I definitely am always trying to read or guess other stuff non-stop (only just realized how much I actually do it).  You sound like you are doing really well, all things considering.  I don't know much about EMDR, but do understand that most people have to undergo quite a bit of therapy in order to properly heal etc, as there are a lot of changes that need to be made.  But I am a newbie, only found out about all this stuff one month ago, so only going out what I have read from others (and heard first hand from my sister). 

Cheers,

Anon 

[Kwamina]

Hi again Angeismyname

I had my first session with an accredited emdr therapist last week and it was an assessment so she could get my background and assess what she thinks would be the best course of treatment, ie whether emdr + CBT might help etc.

At the end of 1.5 hours she said I'd probably need another 2 hour long assessmeny sessions for her just to be able to get enough context and background info about my family and me and that it sounds like developmental trauma. I came away feeling quite depressed about that session- definitely not an easy fix then!

Healing takes time. Developmental trauma or c-PTSD indeed isn't an easy or quick fix. This is something that requires a lot of work and might always require some work to manage your thoughts and emotions. Pete Walker who has written about c-PTSD and dealing with trauma says the following about healing:

"Be patient with a slow recovery process: it takes time in the present to become un-adrenalized, and considerable time in the future to gradually decrease the intensity, duration and frequency of flashbacks. Real recovery is a gradually progressive process (often two steps forward, one step back), not an attained salvation fantasy. Don't beat yourself up for having a flashback."

Also, something random I wondered does anyone else do is I always try to guess the plot of movies as I'm watching? I can't stand not trying to second guess whats going to happen and I wonder if that has anything to do with having a compulsion to scan the environment and second guess what will happen next... .or is that just me?

I haven't noticed this in myself but I know many of us have developed certain less than healthy behaviors or coping mechanisms. When I was younger I for instance used to count the words and syllables when watching television and this habit was quite draining. Looking back I now see it as a way to gain some control over a life that I seemed powerless over and also as a way to keep my mind busy or numb myself.

It could very well be that you always trying to guess the plot is related to always needing to be on guard for whatever might happen next. Those kinds of habits can be hard to break but through hard work I do believe they can become more manageable. Perhaps your mind is also using movies as a way to train for things that might happen in real life.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Angieismyname!   Welcome to the board. Thank you for telling us some of your story. It really does help us to get to know you. I think most of us tend to have the urge to fix or edit our posts so that they sound just right. It is a part of who we are, the survivors of pwBPD, with perfectionist tendencies because we tried so hard to fix things and make them right with our parent. Then they might like us more or we might avoid the anger for a time.

Also, something random I wondered does anyone else do is I always try to guess the plot of movies as I'm watching? I can't stand not trying to second guess whats going to happen and I wonder if that has anything to do with having a compulsion to scan the environment and second guess what will happen next... .or is that just me?

I've never done this myself while watching movies, but I've done this when I was young and also when old (now!  ) as I try to figure out the next step in the conflicts which are surrounding me. For example, with DH when I feel myself falling into unhealthy patterns and habits of the past learned from childhood with my BPDm, I attempt to figure out what is going to happen in order to control what will happen next. I don't mean to be controlling, but I want to influence the outcome so I adjust my behaviors, words, attitudes in a desperate attempt to avoid the conflict and fix it. That ends up being controlling in reality. Does that make any sense to you?

I like Kwamina's reply as well:

It could very well be that you always trying to guess the plot is related to always needing to be on guard for whatever might happen next. Those kinds of habits can be hard to break but through hard work I do believe they can become more manageable. Perhaps your mind is also using movies as a way to train for things that might happen in real life.

Wools