Terrible anxiety before my first therapy appointment

[Wantingtochange]

I'm heading to my first therapy session within the next week. I want nothing more to get in there and do this. I recognize my need for it. For some reason I had a panic attack just making the phone call. Now as the day gets closer my anxiety is through the roof. I don't understand why.

I'm on these boards everyday. I'm reading materials and books daily regarding BPD, codependency, trauma, abandonment, PTSD, etc... My point is I'm not running away from anything. In fact I'm trying to face it all head on.

I started making notes of the things I want to share and each time I sit down to write my mind shuts off and I go blank.

So why is the one thing I really want (Therapy) causing so much anxiety?

Has anyone else encountered this?

[steelwork]

Is this your first time in therapy? Is it general anxiety or something specific? Sometimes I get anxious that I will "waste" the session... .

Well, growth is painful. Excavation of things you buried for a reason. That's something to be anxious about. I have been in and out of therapy for 25 years and I feel like finally I'm really getting somewhere. Age? Experience? Better therapist? Is this just how long it needed to take?

Who knows?

It's the right thing. I promise it will be okay.

[Wantingtochange]

Thank you Steelwork!

I'm experiencing some pretty serious anxiety but I think that's more related to some PTSD issues. I'm going because I just feel broken. After my relationship ended, after doing some serious research on BPD, it's opened my eyes to many issues that I have, as the non. Things seemed to have come together where everything I've buried are surfacing, and not in a good way.

After admitting to myself that I need to go to therapy to get help, I was actually excited by that. But something has triggered some heavy anxiety about going, now that is getting closer. I'm unsure why and I can't make sense of it. I want to go, I really do.

I just don't understand it and also wondered if anyone else had experienced it. Thank you for the input!

[eeks]

Hi wantingtochange,

Things seemed to have come together where everything I've buried are surfacing, and not in a good way.

When you say "not in a good way", do you mean intense emotions that are hard to handle?

After admitting to myself that I need to go to therapy to get help, I was actually excited by that. But something has triggered some heavy anxiety about going, now that is getting closer. I'm unsure why and I can't make sense of it. I want to go, I really do.

What if you were to imagine that there are two parts of you, one that really wants to go to therapy, and is excited about the prospect of getting some help.  And another part that really doesn't want to go.

And you, as a compassionate and curious observer, can have a dialogue with each of these two parts, including asking the part that doesn't want to go, what's going on for it. 

(I didn't invent this, I'm borrowing from techniques I've heard people suggest to me here and there)

It doesn't seem foreign to me at all to have needs/desires within oneself that feel like they're pulling in opposite directions... .or mixed feelings.  I want it/I fear it and/or I fear the implications of getting it.    et cetera.

eeks

[Suzn]

Steelworks and eeks gave you some good advice, I thought I'd share too.

I just don't understand it and also wondered if anyone else had experienced it.

Yes, I did when I first started T. I think it's because I had ruminated so much over things that had happened that I ended up feeling I'd already discussed the issues to death. (With myself  ) It turns out that I was basically reliving everything over and over that I was planning to talk about with my T. So it's no surprise, looking back, that there was anxiety.

Redirecting your thoughts can help. When you start feeling overly anxious take some slow, deep breaths (this does wonders) and try to remind yourself that therapy can be a very comforting experience and it's going to be ok. 

[thisworld]

Hello Wantingtochange

How are you doing and how did your session go?

Best,

TW

[Wantingtochange]

Hello all,

For the 6 weeks between the time when I left the relationship and my first appointment for therapy has been one of the most emotional roller coaster of thoughts and emotions that I've ever had. I've always been a strong guy, I've had to. My life for the last 8 years has been a ridiculous train wreck that's pushed me to my breaking point. This site has been my saving grace to get me to my first appointment and I'm so grateful.

My first appointment was with a therapist to screen you to see if you fit the criteria for any types of services that they offer. For the weeks leading up to the appointment I was having daily panic attacks which I've never suffered before. PTSD in full swing. My anxiety was off the charts. I knew that I needed therapy and have always supported the idea of therapy so I wasn't in denial. I spend every single day reflecting back and reading everything I can get my hands on to better understand my life. So I was very confused why I was having so much trouble leading up to the appointment.

The therapist was extremely compassionate and I found after just a couple of minutes I opened up the flood gates that have been my life for the last 8 years. This included my 6 year relationship wit my exBPD, but also so many other things as well. He typed everything I said and asked a few questions. I looked at him with tears in my eyes almost pleading, "I really need this". With sincere compassion he said ":)on't worry, I'll get you the help you need. I'll get you in right away." That gave me comfort and the strength I needed to keep going.

As soon as I touched on the relationship with my exBPD he knew what I was trying to explain. He understood the crazy roller coaster but also me explaining that I needed to know the why's on my end. Why did I participate. Why did I put up and excuse so much. The validation that I needed that I wasn't crazy and that these are normal reactions to abnormal situations was very uplifting.

My next appointment is Thursday and I am nervous as can be but I'm looking so forward to it. I know that this is such an important first step to making sense of things, learning and growing, but more importantly getting help with changing the things in my life that I need to.

That combined with this site and everyone who contributes is absolutely amazing to me. Complete strangers reaching out helping others is a great reminder of hope. Thank you to all who have helped me along the way just to get to this point!

[thisworld]

Hey 

Cheers for the update and you have such good news. 

Yes, it's not easy to start this journey but it's wonderful that you are doing the right and caring thing for yourself and are motivated to continue. I think you came across a good T, too.

Take very good care of yourself

[steelwork]

I'm so happy to read this. I've been thinking of you since you posted before.

I was saying to my prescribing dr the other day (about my decision not to add a second antidepressant) that I think therapy is working for me. Not that I feel happier, even. No, I'm still an emotional wreck, still bursting into tears unexpectedly, but there is something moving inside. The tears are ancient grief being discharged.

I've been in and out of therapy for 25 years, and I never before felt like it did much other than help me keep my sh*t together. It was this crisis that cracked me open and made that possible. I hope the same for you.

[Wantingtochange]

Thank you so much everyone. I remember telling the therapist, I think the cork has finally blown out of the bottle. Too many suppressed things that I thought I dealt with. That's how I was raised and I'm very slowly learning how unhealthy that is. Now I want to learn the right way.

Towards the end of the session he looked at me and said, "You've spent the last 8 years just trying to survive instead of thriving." That hit me hard. It made me realize how true this was... .Just surviving literally. I feel like I'm at rock bottom but the for some reason I feel a slight twinge of optimism. There's relief that maybe I'm taking the turn I needed to get to where I should be, And if I do that I'm hoping I'll learn in time to make better choices, better relationships, healthier one's.

I'm excited to work on the chaos and turmoil... .

[MyLifeIsNow]

Wantingtochange - thanks for sharing. I'm having a lot of anxiety about going to therapy and it was helpful to read your story. Best wishes.