Help me regain my sensitivity please

[waitingwife]

I'm sorry this is going to be a bit long:

Part - 1

I recently joined this family and have been reading through the lessons part of it and it is helping me to a certain extent. I am married to my H for 13 years and I wil not lie that we have had a really good as well as a bad time together. First 8 years when he'd rage about the smallest of thigs I'd accept blame for his rage and feel like I'm the insensitive one in our relatiinship and try to defend my intentions to him which would fall on deaf ears. Then I started seeing a therapist and slowly reading up about stuff online and that lead me to believe that he might have BPD, reason I use might is because he is not diagnosed yet. My brother's family lives really close by and that doesn't make things easier for me. I'm used as a vehicle by my H and brother's family for their benefits and get crushed in between. In the sense my H thinks pretty lowly of my brother when he is dysregulated and doesn't respect their lifestyle which I'm okay eith coz I love my brother's family a lot... .They have been my rock and shoulder to cry on no matter what I am going through. I was dealing with 5 miscarriages one after the other and they really supported me through it all. My SIL(brother's wife) and I are like best friends so much so that she even offered to be a gestational surrogate if need be during my time of struggle with finding out the reason for the miscarriages. Brother  & I grew up with a lot of love and he was my go to person growing up. Things  have changed a bit due to my H being so jealous or dysregulated. I have walked on eggshells and let him rip my soul apart by not letting myself help my brother's family in their time of need at times. Also my brother is a lazy person and I have recognized that and learnt to say no to unjustified requests. But with my 5 year old, she wants to spend time with her cousins more than what  we can and that becomes a big issue. If I invite my brother's family and my H becomes dysregulated then there is the ST and the awkwardness for all of us no matter how hard I try to fill in from both sides! I have really reduced inviting them over and instead go over to their house more so that the cousins can bond to avoid my H's snide and patronizing remarks towards my brother's family. Do I like this arrangement, NO! My brother and his wife try to tell me stuff and say can you please tell H this... .So I have told them that I prefer you ask/tell him whatever concerns him and don't make me the middle person... .Told the same to my H that you deal with them... .They don't want to deal with him coz they are scared of his reaction if he is dysregulated and he doesn't want to deal with them coz he thinks they like him less and me more. He has also said that he prefers they talk to him directly and hates it when they say something to him through me. So that has given me a lot of peace and accepting that they might have a really messed up relatiinship and I cannot change that. I try to be myself with my brother's family no matter what H thinks as long as it doesn't involve seeking his support or using his things. For example my brother would ask to borrow our lawnmower and the lazy him would not return it as soon as he was done. I know H doesn't like to give it to him and brother probably knows it too so brother asks me and I'd give it in a heartbeat coz he does so much for me as a big brother and I don't care if he delays in returning it... .I lend them my things and ask for it when I need it... .But I gathered the courage to tell my brother that from now on whatever concerns my H and his things, please ask him and not me. So I removed myself from the equation... .Felt horrible for sometime but only realized that my H's behaviour(right or wrong) should not let my brother decide whether I'm a good person or not... .He has to see my goodness in me and not by what H does and he eventually did. They don't know much about BPD... .Just what it is and why it happens. Should I be telling them about how the disorder has high validation needs coz my brother is a critical person and very open and logical and my H doesn't know to speak that language... .The lesson really opened my eyes to this! Would that be a part of me wanting a better relationship between brother & H or just wanting my brother's family to understand a few of my actions due to my limitation?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[waitingwife]

Part - 2:

I feel like this illness has made me insensitive because I used insensitivity  towards my H after a few years when nothing else was helping just to cope with my pain within and that is becoming a new way of compartmentalizing issues for me. Don't get me wrong but I am not this person... .I was the most sensitive person, I have tons of family & relatives who I am in touch with and they have been there for me... .My H is very high-functioning and is able to stop at ST mixed with some mean statements about me being controlling/insensitive/too observant towards him. It's never gone beyond that. He is the best father my daughter could have! He distances himself from us when he is dysregulated. He use to dysregulate for the smallest of things like I did not add italian seasoning on the pizza I baked when he really loves it and my SIL hates it or I go out of the way to celebrate my SIL's birthday and nobody(including my brother's family) doesn't do anything for his birthday. I use to say things like but I care about your birthday and love you but that didn't help him feel any less paun but it helped him enough to snap out of the ST mode. So I started loosing track of my focus/goal and that is my family to be happy. After many years of sensitivity and justifications and then acting like nothing ever happened when he regulated, I lost sight. Meantime, my daughter happened and my focus became her... .Parenting is not  the easiest of things and I just started accepting the ST, cried it out on his shoulder on the 3rd or 4th day, went to my therapist a few times and got over it. I stopped validating him coz I started seeing him as the enemy and how could he not see the destruction it is causing me mentally and in turn to our family ... .So the last 5 years I just changed the direction of all the love I had towards my daughter and compartmentalized him... In turn my relationship with my daughter also lacked sensitivity at times coz I was so consumed by my relationship with H but soon I realized that she doesn't deserve it and I started therapy when she was 2 and we dealt with terrible twos and the relationship with my dsughter really blossomed... .I have NEVER engaged him during the name calling/blaming process and he also realizes and accepts that he has a problem and is working hard to manage it. He started doing a lot of meditation and he dysregulates way less than before but he still does. Just a snippet of why -  he had a very rough childhood of parents fighting nastily everyday... .He and 2 of his siblings really suffered in silence and they are also kinda BPD or some personality issues but  I'm not exactly sure coz I didn't delve too much into it coz I have enough on my plate. So all his life he thought it was his dad coz MiL painted FIL all black and the kids believed her coz she was the mom. However now he sees how the mom was manipulative too and baits them into confrontations and thinks it was the mothers fault(coz she validated the father a lot and justifies that to the kids) which has resulted in a dysfunctional family. They live in another country so luckily he doesn't have to always put up with them but he loves them deep in his heart and rightfully so. Whenever we visit them as a family, it always leads to issues and fights so this time he visited them alone coz from what  I can tell, he really feels he will heal if he makes peace with them and at the same time he knows that it's futile to want that. His sister is divorced and I think use to physically abuse her parents too during the divorce and now she lives with them and his brother's family wants nothing to do with our family or my in-laws. So it is really messed up there. Now coz he visited them, he is trying to write to sister(who he grew up and had a good bond with once upon a time) & parents and they were videoconferencing over the weekend and my MiL kept asking for me... .It's too awkward for me coz a part of me was fighting when he decided to visit them and disapproved of it and in a fit of anger said to him don't bring back the emotional baggage from there coz I have enough to deal with. But I came around and apologized (after talking to my therapist and she pointing out my insensitivity) and told him I'm only concernd that it might bring back the childhood wounds & would like him to have a coping method if it does. I told him that I am done worrying about them and my relationship with them is going to be respectful but not too much emotional attachment coz I think I am done expecting much from them and I cannot pretend to be loving. I chose to walk away from that relationship coz I could and because it won't matter to me but I don't want to do the same with H coz I really really  Love him inspite of him being their extension. So  it's awkward when they videoconferenced over the weekend, I really don't like to be like hunky dory and act like I love talking with them but I found it rude to step out when my MiL kept calling me and asking for me. I tried to find things to do around the room and came in & out of the conference. From what  I understand, he wants them to validate my daughter and show her that they love her coz my parents shower her with love and she has a really strong bond with my parents & brother's family. It gets complicated here that my parents & his live in the same country & city and I visit my patrnts every year coz I want my daughter to have the memories with atleast one set of grandparents coz I had it growing up and know how special it is. He has never directly expected me to go live with his parents but I am dure he wishes for it. So I visit them to spend a day with them once a week so they get to spend time with my daughter. My daughter has bo clue of any of this coz she is just 5 and I don't want to paint a black picture for her while it's not needed. I want her to make her own experiences and opinions(good if she can) of his family or him. So part of me getting into a problem with my MiL is she pressurizes me to come live with them and I have never given in to that coz my H is very supportive of me in this regard but she had tried to bad mouth me to him about not living with them and hence distancing their grandchild from them. We don't feel the warmth in that house and so I don't go no matter what she thinks. It's hard for him to take that all in even though his subconscious mind knows that he has also never had that kind of bond with his family so it's going to be a bigger  challenge for our daughter to get all that love from them but he still craves it. The more he tries, the more he dysregulates. Last year he was in very little touch with his family and it was the best year for us untill he got caught up in the guilt of neglecting them and breaking away like he did for a year. He has even told me that I don't blame myself as being a bad son anymore that I have done in the past. We send them money on a regular basis coz his dad demands it and money is a sort of validation for FIL and MIL guilted H into sending it. H expressed wanting to send money and I did not object coz we can spare some of what we have and I told him that if it makes him feel better then he should do it. He calls it like extortion but he sends it. I think partly coz he knows what his dad is going through coz he is fighting with his own demons inside. So to cut the long story short, would it okay to say this to H: i'm glad you are connecting with your family and trying for our daughter to have that bond with them. That must be making you feel happy and I'm so happy for you. I kinda feel awkward to be a part of the whole process so can I excuse myself and you both continue talking with them? I really don't judge my in-laws and my MIL is a cancer survivor... .I was 8 months pregnant and always there for her even though I live in anither continent... .Totally supporting her and the family by calling and being a rock for them... .Emotionally and financially we were there for them... .I'm not in a mental state right now to figure out my relatiinship with them coz I'm just figuring out my own problems... .Not to say that there might come a time when I might want to figure things out with them but now is really not the time for that... .I think it's going to hurt my H and he has stooped telling me what he talks/feels with/for them coz he thinks I hate them... .When he was regulated before his trip to visit them recently, I have told him that I cannot help feel some bitterness towards them coz they are the cause of my family being unhappy but that I do not hold them accountable for what we can do now in the present to change this. I always have wanted for us to visit together coz both parents live in the same country but we never can coz he dreads it and the fights and loss of peace that comes from it and part of me blames my in-laws for creating that chaos in our life and how my mil is managing to seperate us in her own twisted way of wanting us to visit and live with them. I said these things for the first time in 13 years to him... I even know that someday if they are going through a life changing situation then I'm going to jump right in and be there for them I feel like my emotions for them has died and I cannot revive it but I am a very respectful human and love to be emotionally available for my family & friends.

[waitingwife]

Part- 3:

So over time, when he dysregulated, I use to ask whats wrong and obviously that was the wrong thing to do from the lessons I read. It was invalidating his feelings. But he'd saying nothing and I'd walk out on him coz iy angered me but I have very good control over my anger... .I have NEVER used hurting words towards him... .I'd just silently retreat into my shell and we'd not talk for a few days and then when he regulated, act like nothing happened and move on... .Hmwe both got so used to that... .I also stopped wanting to talk coz any talking would lead to misunderstandings and more issues. I completely stopped validating him and have never given him credit for trying so hard to dysregulate way less than he use to... .He doesn't want our daughter to face what he has faced but I feel like the Silence between us is eventually going to affect her... I'm terrified I might continue the trend of bod(of their family) into another generation(my daughter). For the longest time I'd validate him and say you are not like your father... .You do this so differently for our daughter and live her but like I said when dysregulation happens , I have started to loose sight. How do I start being more sensitive? I fully understand his oain and where it comed from but how do I change myself? I have been through a lot during my pregnancies and relationship that I feel worn out but now I want to step out of my comfort zone and make a change.

Most recent dysregulation:

Day 1: brother's family visited and H asked me to tell them to stay for dinner which they did. He was in and out of dysregulation coz there were awkward moments of silence and I can tell when he dysregulates and he hates the fact that I can tell. He blames me saying I observe  him constantly and maybe I do to sense the dysregulation before it happens... .To catch it in time... .Maybe I have programmed myself and he is a very intuitive person like that. I'd hate and disagree with his blame of me looking at him a particular way especially when my family is around. He has told my therapist when  he was regulated and I made him go with me that he feels like I'm in a team when I'm with my family and he is in another team and he knows inside that it's not true but he cannot help feeling like he does and from there he goes spiraling down and dysregulates big time.

Day 2: we both were sipping a glass of wine and he snapped out of our conversation and shut down. Not a single word so I asked... Honey, are you okay? Is there something troubling you coz you seem unusually quiet? His reply was very coldly, nothing is wrong, you don't have to worry. I compartmentalized and snapped out of the conversation and continued to snuggle with my 5 year old. The Silence between us began.

Day 3: he tried to give me a hug in the morning which I could not accept. I don't like physical contact when I'm processing my emotions. He then started videoconferencing with his parents, sister and our daughter with me being in & out of the whole conference coz I was still in a place of hurt of him giving me the ST the previous night. So the day went by in silence.

Day 4: he again tried to give me a hug and even said how come you are so calm and non-reactive... .I wish I could be as patient as you... .I am really changing and try to be like that... So I said I am just like that and you don't have to be like me or try to be. Again for me I couldn't shake off being treated like that. From what I know him and I really do coz I know from his body language or eyes or gestures when he dysregulates, I think he meant that coz he seemed sad about what happened and how he couldn't control it. This day also went by in silence.

Day 5: he was getting ready for work and on his way out, I asked what is going on? Why so much tension and he snapped at me and said trere is a reason I was quiet... .When we were drinking wine on day 2, he was trying tonsay something about or to my daughter and I overstepped and that was very overriding. He said I know you like to take the lead on decissions when it comes to my daughter but it's too much sometimes. Then I started defending and said I eas sipping wine with you and I said let's not make this about me when it really is about you(this is something that the therapist had told me to do, to bring him back to his actions) and that just triggered him real bad. He started saying stop saying something is wrong with me coz nothing is wrong with me... .All couples fight and it's normal so stop bullsh**ting with me and he stormed out the door to work. I texted him asking if he reached work safely & he replied yes and texted back saying, I'm sorry and I love you. I texted back saying I'm glad you reached safely. that was the only communication we had on that day. I was totally shatterred and angry bith at the same time. So when he came back home, I served my daughter & him dinner and went upstairs coz I had eaten before he came coz the thought of being in the same room with him was very disturbing to me. I joined this group and started reading like crazy and that was only thing that kept me going.

Day 5: he went to work and we got some space from each other and when he returned home he gave me a hug and I hugged him too but no talking happened. I was deeply into the lessons, reading, making sense of everything and finding my role in all this.

Day 6: he was home and came to hug me again and asked me what happened. I snapped and said tell me what is it that I should say? Coz whatever I say is going to be backfired at me so I really don't know what to say to you. So he went and got me and my daughter flowers and then again we tried to talk. I said to him I am so damn emotiinally tired and worn out that I feel like running away like you felt recently when your brother did this to you coz those were his words. He says I am like this and cannot change much. Don't you ser this happens way less and it's intensity has gone down. I said yes it is lesser than before but it still happens and everytime it happens, it damages me and now it is damaging our daughter even though she is not seeing us fight coz I don't believe in active fighting and calling names... .My values have taught me that words csn never be taken back so use them with a lot of thought. My H tries to make me believe when he is dysregulated that I am a hypocrite coz when I disagree with friends/family, I still get along with them and talk and not have a problem with them... .I was just beginning to think that maybe I am a hypocrite but my therapist helped me understand that what he thinks is hypocrisy is empathy. Thank God I was seeing my T then or else he would have taken my empathy away from me coz in a muddled and emotional state I really loose sight of my own self. So back to our conversation, I told him I understand  he cannot stop the way he feels and has the right to his feelings however I cannot stay when he feels like that coz me staying only worsens his dysregulation... .I told him that if I cannot help you and we are so cold towards each other that it wouldn't matter if I lived in a hotel with my daughter coz even though we live under one roof, it doesn't feel like it and I don't want iur daughter to see this ugly side of marriage. He agreed and said hotel is not a convenient option and what will we tell our daughter? She'll be okay if we stay home like this... .He said I have been okay and I have faced a lot more than this. I said to him but I haven't and so I am going to compare her childhood to the better of the 2. We ended that conversation there and made up but part of me felt I didn't get closure and maybe part of me thiught that he is willing to explore the option of space instead of accepting treatment or skme action on his part to change... So he kept teasing me humorously the whole day saying I come up with expensive options and I again reiterated that you have the right to feel how you do but I need an out coz otherwise I might go into depression or something and I want to protect my mental wellbeing for our daughter. Everything seemed okay for a few hours and that evening we went to a friends house for a party. My brother's family was also there and we were  all having a good time but I sensed him dysregulating on our way to the party and he was fighting hard to keep it together which he did! No outbursts or anything snide. I was still continuing to read in here.

Day 7: we're as good as we can be. He is going to be travelling for work and we were happily talking about me & daughter joining him, etc. Civil and talking but part of me still was seeking closure. After coming home he asked me if I'll have wine with him and I said no,I don't feel like having wine coz I didn't just want to drink this off and move on... I wanted talking and he didn't. How do I act like nothing happened when so much happened? I invalidated him by refusing to drink with him?

Day 8(yesterday) he again was a bit quiet being home coz I was not fully over all this. I really want to be after reading everything and feel so bad for what he goes through. How to change myself and bring back my sensitivity in all this? The silence was slowly beginning by noon and I worked out at the gym and kept myself busy to be away from the pain and working out really grounds me. It took a lot on my part but last night when he said I am very busy at work these days... .There's lot of work pressure... .I said that I'm so sorry that there is so much tension and lack of peace when you return home from working so hard so our family can have a good life that we're leading. So he said it's okay... .Everything is fine... .Then I said I have been a little spaced out in the last few days coz I am just processing my feelings and emotions and not coz I am angry and I had really gotten over the anger... .I really want our family to be happy just like anybidy would want for their family. He then said yes we are happy and we hugged it out. But this is when I realized what I want in such situations. I want to be able to talk about what happened and how we can do better next time. We never do... .He wants to just move on, not talk and act like everything is okay coz he is so ashamed of what happened. It gets put on the back burner and then piles up and explodes... .And I really crave closure... .By closure I mean not a fix but how can we do better next time... .How do I communicate to him without invalidating?

This morning he sent me a list of things he wants from the store I am going to and he had put make up wipes with a question mark meaning buy it if I needed it. So I texted back saying I don't need them but it was really very nice of you to think about me. He just laughed it off coz I think he didn't expect it... .What I said last night about him working hard and today validated him and I feel like he was slowly letting his guard down... .So much to learn... .Please help me navigate this journey... .I want to talk and he doesn't feel the need to... .How do I go about acting like nothing happened and switch gears from a bad mood to a good one?

[waitingwife]

Bump... Anybody chime in?

[Cat Familiar]

WW, I don't think you have any problem with your sensitivity. I think what you're dealing with is burnout from being with a pwBPD. Please keep reading the lessons and posting. As you know it's really exhausting to live with someone with BPD. And I think you are very wise to try to protect your daughter.

There's a lot of triangulation going on in your family: between your husband and your brother, with your in-laws. Please read up on the Karpman Triangle: https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle  You're doing well to step out of the triangulation with your brother and husband. Let your brother ask to borrow your husband's tools like you've been doing. It's not your responsibility if he is tardy in returning them. It's hard to step aside and not try to make things better for everyone, but I see you're taking that step. Good!

You've given us a fairly extensive overview of the dynamics of your relationship. I think you'll find that you get more replies by focusing on just one aspect of your situation. We know how exhausting and demoralizing and demanding it is to have a loved one with BPD and that sure comes through in your story. Again, I don't think you need to try to regain your sensitivity. I think you're very sensitive and what you need to regain is the ability to nurture and support yourself. As a former, and sometimes still co-dependent, I say this. We forget to take care of ourselves. But as airline attendants tell us every time, we've got to put on our own oxygen mask first before we can help others.   

[waitingwife]

Wow the karoman triangle really hit the nail on the spot for me! I don't know how I missed that part in the lessons! I see how my role kept changing from being the rescuer and victim at times with respect to my family... .It also helped me understand a bit more about how closure for me might be talking and closure for bodH might be just regulating his emotiins and maybe in the long run, I might have to accept that we both want different things out of life but remember to keep loving and not let that difference get in our way. H is really a very kind person and loves our family and you are right... .He feels like he is damaged by his childhood and for now accepting it is enough for him... .He is not able to foresee how changing can bring about more and thats his stance which I am going to stop changing... .

[Chilibean13]

Your response to your H sounds very familiar to many of the stories here. We have built up defenses to protect ourselves. Unfortunately building up walls for protection also keeps other us stuck inside those walls towards others. It is a process. It sounds like your H wants to change and is doing some DBT techniques to work on it. My H has been practicing those things too. One thing that I try to do when he has gone several days without a dysregulation or if I see that he has handled a stressful/anxious/would usually blow up but didn't situation is to give him lots of genuine praise about it. This does several things for him 1. It lets him know that I see the work he is doing. 2. It gives him a reinforcing reward for good behavior 3. It lets him know that he should keep doing whatever he is doing.

I totally relate with the distancing yourself after he dysregulates. For my H once he blows up, everything is ok again in his mind. The scary emotions he feels are released. But it takes me longer to get over things. I've told him that. I've started being honest and letting him know that when he dysregulates it opens up wounds from when things were really really bad. I frequently have to chose to forgive him.

You mentioned that you sense the dysregulation. I think this is also a mechanism that we nons have. It's how we began to prepare ourselves for what is to come. We do watch our BPD SO like hawks because we have to look for those subtle clues so that we can change our behavior to try to prevent the blow up (despite what we do not working). My H and I talked about this in T. I realized I was doing this and in tensing up, trying to stop the blow up, etc I saw that I was contributing to the dysregulation. I was making it worse.

Keep posting. Keep reading. It's not an easy road but this forum helps SO much, even if it's just to know that you aren't alone.

[waitingwife]

Hi there,

A little update from my end:

So I validates, he released his fears after blowing up, etc. However I was not doing a great job at taking care if myself in this DD so I was a basket case for a few days coz I felt like I am not grtting closure so I was stuck right there! Then yesterday my uBPDH asked me if I'd like to invite my parents to come live with us for 5 months coz he is going to be travelling quite a bit for the next 6 months. I paused and said NoT YET and then he asked why? I said you know the reasons so should we go there? Coz I really wanted to give him the real reason coz I haven't in the past and he has taken me for a ride. Once my folks are here, he gives us all a ST for days with insulting remarks when we try to communicate with him. So me saying you know the reasons, invalidated him(as I saw it coming) and he pulled away from me while we were hugging a d said alright lets sleep. If you read my thread above, you'll see the recent dysregulation he had... So I went to him, hugged him and said I don't mean to say that J don't want my parents here but I want our family to be happy and I feel having them in our house for that long won't work for us coz it never has. So then he says, you only remember the 2 or 3 times I have been that way and choose to forget how nicely I treat your parents at other times... .Even better than my own parents... .So I said I give you that and thats really nice of you but I cannot handle the loss ofmpeace and being in the middle of 2 people/sides I love the most and for me iur relatiinship & family comes first so it's an easy choice. This was my boundary for protecting my peace and taking care if myself only.

[waitingwife]

Then I asked him gently using the Nicola method for high conflict resolution that : when I was trying to say help me understand what is causing you trouble, you thiught I was saying something is wrong with you. He then turns the tables and says yeah you control rules when it comes to our daughter and so I said that but this has nothing to do with you... .Like a physical ailment, I have a mental disability and you have to accept it. Then I told him help me understand how we can do better for our relationship & family and he says I need to feel loved so maybe instead of distancing yourself, give me a tight hug. I said I can do that if it helps you but I'd like to help you and myself make our marriage better coz for me we ate worth all the hard work or changes we need to make... .I said I am ready to take the leap for US and our love... He says I Myself don't know whst hapoens but my dark past haunts me and I feel very unloved and worthless so all I need to feel is loved. But I will not do therapy coz all the meditation I am doing is helping me. So I wuit pushing any further... I felt a vir hurt but I am realising that since I disarmed him from tKing away my self respect now he might slowly encroach onto my parents/mommy skills to shake my ground but I will not let that happen coz he has taken away my sense of self for 10 years. So today I am going to visit my friends, feel good about myself, hold my head up high for having a conversation with him about my emotions in the most respectful & validating day. I am meeting my Therapist on Monday to help me a bit more coz I mnow these will be tough times and there might be extinction burst.

Thanks for hanging out with me. Share any more inputs or tips for me

[waverider]

When feeling cornered or criticized pwBPD will often deflect and project on to others bringing in all sorts of side issues and accusations. These can compound the frustrations and are best not responded to.

Dont try to validate/reslove/fix everything, otherwise it is like swatting flys. Lots of energy with minimal end result. Let their mind wander all over the place, that is their thought process, without continually trying to reign it in.

When you are giving space, as much as anything you are giving space to your own emotions which need time to work themselves through. pwBPD dont work through their emotions they switch them off, hence they get over things quick while we 'brood and hold grudges'. As their emotions haven't been worked through they haven't been resolved, so some time in the future they can switch the same issue back on with the same high intensity of emotions, whereas you will be "over it" by then.

"You dont remember the good, only the bad" is a common pwBPD claim. Yet as I am sure you are aware they do precisely the same thing, even to greater extremes. This is their "need' of the moment. You cannot take much of what they say literally as the words are assembled to express how they feel now. You need to listen to how they feel rather than the words. This is sometimes best done by not saying anything, or asking simple prompting questions, not voicing your opinions or presenting resolutions

[Daisy23]

This thread has been really helpful to me. WW, your struggle shows your sensitivity. Seeing how much you wrote reminds me of how much I have needed to go over the craziness of my relationships with wBPD - they have sent me spinning. The good news is, I found ways to regulate the spinning feelings - this site plus a good therapist helped ground me again. I hope you take care of yourself! 

[waitingwife]

Daisy- I am glad that my struggle with BPDH is helping you gain some clarity. I'd feel redeemed to have been of any help to a fellow partner.

Wavwrider- you are so right about the you remember only the bad stuff. I just let that slide and went ahead and met with 3 different friends, explored the option of preparing myself by doing some courses to work and felt so accomplished. I found my source if happiness outside my r/s with my partner and I don't love him less... .It's just that acceptance is slowly truly happening and letting go of the control to FiX is liberating and empowering to me. We still have that awkwardness between us because I have said everything I wanted to but he is bottling up his emotiins and I'm going to let him be... .I'll keep waiting on top of the valley with my hand ready for whenever he is ready to ride up... .The bridge between acceptance versus expecttions is so had to Commute but hopefully my therapist will help me with that.

Daisy - you Might really benefit from the co-dependce article in the lessons section. That is my silver lining in all this. I am a Co-dependant personality and thats why was feeling so defenseless and defeated. This r/s has led me down that path of introspection and I'm going to come out stronger.

Please pardon my typos in my posts.

[waverider]

waitingwife if you could split your posts into paragraphs it may make it easier for members to digest and make it easier to respond

Thanks

Waverider

[waitingwife]

Waverider,

I'll surely try to do that, thanks for letting me know. My mind was racing faster than it could handle so thats why writting here was my vent. Thanks for riding it through with me. You all have been an immense help to me and my solid rock!

[waverider]

Waverider,

I'll surely try to do that, thanks for letting me know. My mind was racing faster than it could handle so thats why writting here was my vent. Thanks for riding it through with me. You all have been an immense help to me and my solid rock!

The need to get it all out is understandable. Especially when we feel overwhelmed. First task is to sort out the framework from all the consequences that hang off it. Otherwise you wont know were to start.

What behavior or attitude affects you the most? Think of the underlying behavior rather than the details of individual issues. we can get too hung up on details once frustration , or even worse resentment, takes a hold.

The goal is to first start constructing a solid foundation, rather than just seeing a pile of bricks and thinking "what now?"

[waitingwife]

Yes that really helps me stay grounded and I am slowly able to see my resentment melt away as I am understanding the BPD handicap better and" taking care" of myself". I realized that for so many years,I was asking myself the wrong questions and hence getting wrong answers and wrong actions.

Baby steps really are helping me. I am dividing my life into small pieces and yesterday was one day where I really worked hard taking care if myself and it paid off. I saw my empathy slowly coming back and resentment/grudge go down. I have to remind myself that everyday is not going to be the same and inspite of all my efforts, I will have ups and downs.

Sometimes I wish partnership/marriage came with instructions and faqs but this here and all of you are my instructions and guides. Everybody's experience put together really helps!

BpdH has accepted my boundary of not having my parents over and I got some more clarity yesterday. He has been pushing me to visit my parents (who live on the other side of the globe) during spring break and extending my trip(coz parents house is a long flight away) by missing our 5 year old's school. I almost agreed with him last week when I was a basket case thinking thst I really need to grt away and use some space. However when I took care of myself yesterday and asked myself again what is the reason I am agreeing to pull my 5 year old out of school & visit my parents? My answer was plain & simple : to get my emotional break and my uBPDH would fulfill his shame of his rage by giving me the emotional break. My old self would take that break and feel good temporarily and give him the power of controlling when I should feel sad or happy. But taking care if myself in the midst of these emotiins helped me arrive at a very practical decission of not going. We're going to go on a vacation as a family during the spring break and then I might visit my parents for 10 days while H cares for our daughter coz I have official business to take care off.

In my anger state at first, I didn't want to leave our 5 year old with him coz he was raging... But after taking care of myself, I realized that I will not take our oppurtunity as a family to have fun and fulfill my official work by going alone.

I feel really content and happy in my decission... I have never been so assertive of myself before! So it really felt empowering to me! I can't thank you all enough to have guided me in my darkest times to look into my own co-dependence and change it slowly.

[waverider]

Without being guided on how to deal with a pwBPD, nobody stands any chance, and generally all well meaning attempts just make it worse.

As a basic rule, keep everything as minimal and simple as possible and try to avoid being instantly reactive. Most issues repeat, so take it on board, think about it so that you have a more considerate response next time.

Think of it as decluttering your interactions.

[waitingwife]

Hi All,

So after the first boundary setting, BPDH seemed to accept the boundary and we had a conversatiin which didn't really lead to much but some validation. However I could REALLY moved on and kept taking care if myself by exercising, talking to my SIL(my confidante) and yesterday I went iut and bought a shirt for me and H. I was so blindsided by Sileny Anger for a few years that I had stopped thinking about us all together... .I felt good shopping for him... .Just thinking about him not as my abuser and as my lover in a way... .I could donthat because I removed myself from the role of being a victim... .I have to admit that it felt light- my mind!

We're also planning a holiday/vacation during spring break with my daughter to Europe. BPDh is being sent by his company and we're tagging along to sightsee with him on the weekends. The trip planning is putting a lot of stress on him and yesterday he was getting slightly triggered. Then after a few bookings and paperwork, we went out for dinner which was kinda a fiasco. My 5 year old was not using her table manners and being a bit loud with her fork and chomping food down which was funny to me but a bit awkward to BPDH coz he had started to dysregulate. So he gave her a bit of ST coz she refused to remove her jacket before eating dinner at the restaurant and then being a little loud. So he muttered about how she will not stop untill we scream or tell her to cut it out! It sounded mean towards a 5 year old so I immediately told my daughter that please use table manners coz we are out in a public place and she changed her behaviour almost instantly and asked me whether she could do that at home. I said we should try to eat in a civil way but I can see how much fun she was having... .She tried tinest chicken nuggets with a chopstick & dropped one. I complimented her for TRYINg again when she continued to try it another time coz she was being a child and experimenting whether she can do better while BPDH was seething in his own pain. So the dinner did not turn out so fun but we can't control the outcome.

I couldn't sleep well thinking about whether his dysregulation affected my daughter yesterday coz he has hardly ever dysregulated towards her... .In fact he is quite the opposite with her and overcompensates for his rough childhood which is why I keep on going.

However he couldn't sleep either so we started talking:

I: Honey, I'm so sorry for all your inner pain and cannot imagine how hard it must have been for you as a child. I'm always here if you need to talk or need any sort of help. I tokd him that if us travelling together & all the logistics planning is adding a lot of stress to him, we can stay back and I can continue to have fun with our daughter while he travels coz we can always travel to Europe another time... .We have a lifetime to do that but all of our emotiinal health is more important right now.

BpdH: After A pause, I'm really sorry that I trouble you sometimes and you are sticking it out with me. I feel like if my parents had taught me to study instead of just calling me names when I had failed grades, etc, I would have been a good child too coz after I matured, my life turned out great. I really want you both to come with me... .We have planned this trip and all... .He is very successful right now.

I: I'm so sorry to hear that. How do you feel about it now? I know we have planned & looked forward to the trip but sometimes things don't work out sccording to plans and thats OK.

BpdH: My life is just moved on and I am glad that our daughter has a strong mother like you and you werr lucky coz your mom was the fighter and your rock. That's why you are so strong and your brother is not like you.

I: My SIL has anger/mental issues and my brother doesn't fight for his kids and I think it's a dad thing but my brother is also quite strong coz he has been like a parent to me during my darkest times.

BpdH: the last time when you went to visit your parents for a fee weeks in the summer, I really thought you weren't coming back and that you were going to leave me. I was so scared.

I: I have seen you get better... .Your emotional dysregulation is much lesser with me than before and so that helps me stay. I am here to stay however our daughter is my line in sand. I told him thst I was going to fight and not just fight but fight hard for her and her emotions. And that I will always be there to support him during his sad times but he has to FiGHT for his inner strength and peace... .I cannot do that for him so he is the only one who can help himself to find that inner strength. I told him you are really worthy of all that is to come from finding your inner strength and self.

BpdH: he says, I don't know who I really am. Am I the angry, anxious and mean guy who didn't like my 5 year old publicly making a mess at dinner or the compassionate guy who when not stressed loves to see her enjoy her childhood.

I: You were invalidated as a child and you learnt that as a coping skill. So when your inner strength/emotions are clouded, you revert to what you have experienced. However it's high time you stop trying to "not be" like your dad and start "being the nice person you really are". Isn't 43 years a long time to try "not to be" like a certain type?

BpdH: I understand... .Lets talk about you... .How wre you feeling? I hope you don't have to make too many sacrifices to be on the guard with me worrying about my feelings.

I: it's not been easy on me and sometimes I cannot figure out how to process and this is when my Therapist helps me out. Thanks for supporting me in my therspy.

BpdH: I'm really sorry that it's hard in all of us sometimes.

I: If you want to connect with your family(which he has been trying hard to do lately coz they are kinda painted white due to his acceptance about their BPD/ delusional behaviour and I can't help feel a little bitterness towards them coz they didn't dontheir job right) on skype(coz they also live out of the country) please do that coz I can see how you want our daughter to know the other grandparents but it's a little uncomfortable for me right now given our circumstance. I cannot pretend thet things are hunky dory when there is no connection between me & them... .There never was and I'm not yet ready to solve that piece of the puzzle... .I might be anither time however right now I am going to focus on our family anf my emotions.

[waitingwife]

So I really don't know where to tske it from here? The last time I talked about therapy, he shut me out. So I tried hard to Guide him back to his inner self or some clarity of thought. I won't lie thst I felt so tempted to say - get help my dear coz yes we have had to be on our guard sometimes... .But since I had taken care of my emotions, I could really see his pain... .But whats with the resistance to seeking help? Is it coz he is male or so successful superficially? Inner pain and failed relationships don't count towards getting help?

[Cat Familiar]

That sounds like a really productive conversation.    And your husband takes responsibility for his behavior and is understanding its impact upon you and your daughter. 

I think, rather than suggest therapy, you can continue to be a role model and do your own. That's what worked for me. My husband hit a low spot and I suggested that he do therapy, since it had helped me so much. (I didn't tell him the reason I had started therapy was because of dealing with him.) He's been going a couple of times a month and I see some gradual improvement. His father was a narcissist and he abused him. I gave him the name of a male therapist because I thought it was important that he have a good male role model and he seems happy with his therapist, thankfully.

Getting pwBPD to admit their role in the problem is a big step! It's difficult for them to acknowledge personal issues due to the black and white thinking. My husband has often said he's "not all bad" when I've brought up a problem. That lets me know that he frames any minor misstep as a major flaw.

It seems you've gotten him to admit a lot more than your average pwBPD would be willing to do. For now, that is great. Don't push him. Give him lots of approval for being so forthcoming. 

[waitingwife]

Thanks for listening... .It really validated my emotions to share here... .So BPDH was still not fully regulated after the talk... .He was riding the wave... .Ups and downs all day but no ST for me!

I just was my normal self going about my day and gave him his space. He has regulated today and is in the guilt/shame phase where when we listen to songs, etc he got a bit sentimental about our reality. He really does understands the reality and how hard my life is when he regulates so I should count that as my blessing for now.

I feel so much at peace for not taking the blame and justifying myself... .It was a good amount of hard work in my part to train my mind to think out of the box and not focus on the content of the conversation, but it makes me feel so good to be forgiving and more accepting of his condition... .Of what I cannot change... .Helps me be a better mom too coz kids constantly push our buttons and how being mindfully stepping back becomes a win-win solution for both.

At the same time, I am Keeping things at a minimum and not full throttle coz I like some balance when I can get it!

The lessons were extremely helpful in riding home every step that I vaguely was doing but not properly... .It made me realise a lot!

[an0ught]

Hi waitingwife,

you're in between places it sounds to me. For a person so short on the board you have developed a good sense of validation and boundaries.

- You have realized that the constant emotional overload tends to make ourselves deaf.

- You have a sense that boundaries have a cost and at times divide us.

There is only limited things you can do right now to counter that. Validation can help to a degree rebuilding sensitivity as you acknowledge what others feel. Boundaries are a healthier way than compartmentalization to deal with overwhelming behavior.

There are limits to how sensitive you can be in an unguarded way in a BPD relationship - you need to have a safer environment, more structure and developed healthier communication practices as a couple. This may come but it takes time. Your relationship patterns have had a long time to establish: Years. One can easily confuse progress in ones intellect with progress on the ground. You sound like you are making headway quickly   Generally behavior changes takes weeks, months and can also take years. It is often baby steps but guided by the LESSONS the baby steps go mostly in one direction and add up!

[waitingwife]

I have been here a short time but I have been seeing a therapist on and off for the last 2.5 years & reading a lot and she has really helped me. When I read the lessons and watch videos here, it's like a reinforcemen & reminder of how I should stabilize myself to be least or not damaged from the dysregulations of my BPDH.

The most recent dysregulation came from his visit to his parents who have majorly verbally abused him & his siblings. So now I am starting to recognize his triggers and brace myself for what is to come but it only came from therapy. All these years, I tried so hard to avoid those triggers(not encourage him to visit his parents, be the listening shoulder by enmeshing, etc) which came across as controlling and it sure must have felt like that for him. But I ended up giving so much of myself away in the bargain that I stopped it and the weight thats taken off my chest gives me the "ah" feeling. I am gaining more clarity in my life and think about myself more than a normal person in a normal relationship can or should! I have a feeling that I had co-dependancy issues too and thats what I am going to figure out and process in therapy next week. My therapy usually doesn't last for many months coz I have been a well balanced person to begin with but ended up loosing that balance in this relationship... .Add a kid to the mix and off goes the balance sometimes... .

Validation and being sensitive had gotten really hard for me given what I'd get in return... .But a few weeks ago, I really did not like that feeling of being so numbed that I cannot love like I use... .And upon introspection, I realized that I was feeling pretty suffocated and so was compartmentalizing instead if dealing with the situation which is hard work... .But I made an appointment with my T and can't wait to meet her tomorrow. This board has been really extremely helpful and my cultural values are guiding me to make the right choices.

Life is not as hard with the right tools & boundaries after all. I hope we all can find the strength and courage to do this hard work for our relationships and family.