A story of projection?

[Ceruleanblue]

Tonight was another night of BPDh saying super crappy things about me. I KNOW these things aren't true, I am not a liar(he admits his history of lying to me though), I don't deserve his constant suspicions(he's done this since HE cheated), and I'm not petty. This is just the tip of the ugly iceberg. He's scathing, he's mocking, and he seems to think really awful things about me.

I KNOW they aren't true, but it bothers me because HE obviously has himself convinced: I'm painted black. Our MC has said his filter is "negative", and it really is. What's funny, is he's not negative about his job, where he should have serious worries about being let go, or in other situations where I'd understand a little negativity. No, he saves this all for me, it seems.

No matter how things have improved in the last year, he doesn't see it this way. If nailed down, he'd say there has been progress, but he views any slight thing as "right back in the pitt" as he put it tonight. My fear is that even when he's acting positive, I know these negative thoughts are really still there. It slips out in little negative ways.

It really wouldn't bother me nearly as much if he was just generally negative, but it's mostly all about ME, and the marriage. I'm sick of hearing so much crap said about me. He's never going to talk into my person like I used to let him. I didn't believe him back then either, but I let it get me very depressed. I won't do that this time around.

Is this all projection, or does he seriously believe all this crap? When asked, he couldn't come up with ONE time he's had to forgive me for something major, or ONE he's caught me in a lie. All this came up because he got mad that I asked him a question, and asked if he could find out. Oh yeah, and I'm NOT ALLOWED to ask anything of him because he doesn't like that either!

If he thinks I'm so awful, why is he with me? If I believe half the stuff he says about me, I'd think I was an awful person.

Projection, or a real belief on his part?

[sweetheart]

Here is a link exploring what it feels like for someone who has BPD, the thread goes on to explore how a pwBPD/NPD lives inside a relationship and why they do the things they do... .

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=67059.0

It sounds like spending sometime revisiting the links to the left ------------------> maybe starting with Embracing the realities of BPD might help enhance your current understanding of why your h behaves in this way.

How did you respond to what your h said ?

[Ceruleanblue]

I responded by asking him "If you think all these awful things about me, why are you with me?". I know why he's with me, and I do also know WHY he does these things. I guess when I ask others "why" it's mostly rhetorical. I'm just frustrated. Knowing the actual "why" doesn't mean I don't question it after he does it for the hundredth time. If no other BPD ever got "some" better, or held themselves more accountable, I'd know it's an impossibility, but I know he CAN do better for himself, he just doesn't want to. I've seen him do better, and actually try to use his DBT skills.

It's so incredibly frustrating to watch, or be subject to it, over and over. I ended up walking away, getting busy, and he went back into his little world of zoning out on his computer. If I read the links anymore, I'm going to have them memorized. I actually get a lot out of my books on personality disorders, and watching related youtube videos(although only some are qualified to speak on the subject).

I also like reading books on positive thinking, and books that can make my life happier. It's just no matter how happy or centered I get, he seems to want to blow up all over my parade. Knowing why doesn't make it any more fun. I wish he had a mute button.

[sweetheart]

How could you have responded differently ?

[Ceruleanblue]

I can't think of a better way I could have responded other than to do what I usually do, and just not respond AT ALL, or say something neutral. Man, that crap gets old though. I think everyone(BPD or not), sometimes needs a "wake up call", and this is why I said it.

Really, even two days later, I still feel the same. If he's so miserable, and wants to pin it all on ME, then why does he stay? I know why I stay, but I don't think he does, at least he never expresses it. I get a steady diet of demands, ways I've not met his expectations, and criticism. Even when I don't personalize it, it gets old.

I can't ask anything of him: Tomorrow is one of his family events, and everyone is expected to ask what needs to be brought. I asked him(silly me), if he could text/call his brother, and find out what we need to bring. BPDh got upset at me for requesting the information, but I'm sure tomorrow he'll expect me to have something made, and his family is funny about no duplicates and people bringing what they ask you to bring.

Simple requests, even when it's something HE wants me to go along with(going to this party I'm dreading), ends up being nothing but a HUGE deal. Why must everything be such a big deal. I roll with things, and am so much more easy going than him, which I know is likely due to his BPD, but I fear even more that he feels entitled to be abusive, and never say anything nice to me. I try to find nice things so say to him, but they never build him up because he's like a bottomless pit. It's so sad.

I've let him suffer natural consequences, but HE doesn't seem to notice others' disapproval(like if we don't bring a passing dish, or if it's the "wrong" passing dish), yet "I" do.

He'll ask herculean things of me, yet I can literally ask nothing of him. Yet he'll ask "why didn't you ask me to do that?". It's crazy world. I don't ask because it's not worth the fight, or worth giving him the opportunity to turn me down, call my lazy, or act put upon. Ugh!

[Suzn]

I responded by asking him "If you think all these awful things about me, why are you with me?".

This statement could easily trigger fear of abandonment in a pwBPD.

I've seen him do better, and actually try to use his DBT skills.

It takes two tango. If only one knows the dance, you can end up stepping all over each other and getting bruises. What skills are you using?

It sounds like you have an understanding of Lesson 1 Understanding your partner's behaviors. Lesson 2 and beyond will give you tools to apply in these situations. 

[L5] Lessons for Members Staying and Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner