Diagnosis + Treatment
The Big Picture
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? [ Video ]
Five Dimensions of Human Personality
Think It's BPD but How Can I Know?
DSM Criteria for Personality Disorders
Treatment of BPD [ Video ]
Getting a Loved One Into Therapy
Top 50 Questions Members Ask
Home page
Forum
List of discussion groups
Making a first post
Find last post
Discussion group guidelines
Tips
Romantic relationship in or near breakup
Child (adult or adolescent) with BPD
Sibling or Parent with BPD
Boyfriend/Girlfriend with BPD
Partner or Spouse with BPD
Surviving a Failed Romantic Relationship
Tools
Wisemind
Ending conflict (3 minute lesson)
Listen with Empathy
Don't Be Invalidating
Setting boundaries
On-line CBT
Book reviews
Member workshops
About
Mission and Purpose
Website Policies
Membership Eligibility
Please Donate
October 05, 2024, 03:02:00 PM
Welcome,
Guest
. Please
login
or
register
.
1 Hour
5 Hours
1 Day
1 Week
Forever
Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins:
Kells76
,
Once Removed
,
Turkish
Senior Ambassadors:
EyesUp
,
SinisterComplex
Help!
Boards
Please Donate
Login to Post
New?--Click here to register
Experts share their discoveries
[video]
100
Caretaking - What is it all about?
Margalis Fjelstad, PhD
Blame - why we do it?
Brené Brown, PhD
Family dynamics matter.
Alan Fruzzetti, PhD
A perspective on BPD
Ivan Spielberg, PhD
BPDFamily.com
>
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
>
Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship
> Topic:
I am back, about to break up with spouse
Pages: [
1
]
Go Down
« previous
next »
Print
Author
Topic: I am back, about to break up with spouse (Read 427 times)
Flutterby32
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 23
I am back, about to break up with spouse
«
on:
February 05, 2016, 12:48:19 AM »
I have not been on here for a while, just been busy with lots of things including what I reference in the subject.
For those who did not see my earlier posts, I am a transgender woman who got married about 10 years before I was able to come to terms with my gender identity and begin coming out. My female spouse did not react well to my coming out and was not supportive or willing to try very hard to deal with it constructively. I tend to be a "people pleaser" and so I pretty much lived a double life, pretending to be happy being "man/husband" for her, while getting involved in the LGBTQ community, more specifically the transgender part of it, and making lots of friends who pretty much only know me as a woman.
I have been on hormones for about three months now and am starting to grow female breasts, I also plan to have genital surgery as soon as possible, and to completely transition to living as my true self... .as a woman.
I am building up the courage to leave my spouse and plan to tell her in the next two or three weeks. In addition to my gender identity, there have always been other issues in our relationship. She has never been officially diagnosed with BPD but I suspect she may meet the criteria. She definitely has some sort of serious psychological issue IMO, and I can no longer deal with it in general, in addition to needing to move forward with my gender transition and not feel like I am putting her through something she does not want to deal with.
I have written a letter that I will either e-mail or snail mail to her, after I meet with a divorce attorney. My spouse attends school in another state from where I live and where she lived before starting school. I have Autism/Aspergers, and so would rather do this from a distance because her reaction may be too triggering for me.
I am terrified! I feel like her reaction could run the gamut from relatively easy to deal with, to EXTREMELY hard to deal with! And with my people pleasing tendency, I feel at risk of being "charmed" (I think that is the term, for being "sucked back in" by someone?) into reversing course and staying with her.
Anyway, that is where I am at the moment. Not even sure that she has BPD but I suspect she might.
Logged
steelwork
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1259
Re: I am back, about to break up with spouse
«
Reply #1 on:
February 05, 2016, 08:56:11 AM »
I'm sorry. This sounds so hard. You have the advantage of advance warning/planning time, though, so that's good. Do you have people to support you if her reaction is ugly? A place to stay, a therapist, etc.? As for getting sucked back in... .you mention sucked back into the situation you've been living with (double life), and that seems like a no-go. What if she turned out to be (or said she was) willing to love you as a woman? Her psychological problems would seem to be a harder situation to draw a line on.
But I guess you'll cross that bridge when it crumbles or something. Anyhow, courage!
Logged
Flutterby32
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 23
Re: I am back, about to break up with spouse
«
Reply #2 on:
February 05, 2016, 09:51:05 PM »
Quote from: steelwork on February 05, 2016, 08:56:11 AM
I'm sorry. This sounds so hard. You have the advantage of advance warning/planning time, though, so that's good. Do you have people to support you if her reaction is ugly? A place to stay, a therapist, etc.? As for getting sucked back in... .you mention sucked back into the situation you've been living with (double life), and that seems like a no-go. What if she turned out to be (or said she was) willing to love you as a woman? Her psychological problems would seem to be a harder situation to draw a line on.
But I guess you'll cross that bridge when it crumbles or something. Anyhow, courage!
thanks for the reply, Steelwork! yes, I have many people who love and support me. Including a couple of polyamorous girlfriends. Yes, I know, I should not have gone there while still married, but it happened and in some ways, the love of my new partners is making it possible for me to move forward.
We tried dealing with it years ago and she did not seem at all willing to deal with it supportively. She invalidated my female gender identity. She said some very insulting and hurtful things, including using the word "nauseating" to describe how she feels about me becoming a woman. I found a couples therapist for us, she quit. I found support groups for spouses of transgender people, she quit those as well.
Even if she does now say that she is willing to accept me as a woman, I am not sure I will truly believe her, or feel comfortable with her. If nothing else, the word "nauseating" will be very difficult to get out of my head.
Logged
Flutterby32
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 23
Re: I am back, about to break up with spouse
«
Reply #3 on:
February 05, 2016, 09:51:54 PM »
oh, I forgot to mention I have a very good therapist!
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?
Pages: [
1
]
Go Up
Print
BPDFamily.com
>
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
>
Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship
> Topic:
I am back, about to break up with spouse
« previous
next »
Jump to:
Please select a destination:
-----------------------------
Help Desk
-----------------------------
===> Open board
-----------------------------
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
-----------------------------
=> Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup
=> Romantic Relationship | Conflicted About Continuing, Divorcing/Custody, Co-parenting
=> Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship
-----------------------------
Children, Parents, or Relatives with BPD
-----------------------------
=> Son, Daughter or Son/Daughter In-law with BPD
=> Parent, Sibling, or In-law Suffering from BPD
-----------------------------
Community Built Knowledge Base
-----------------------------
=> Library: Psychology questions and answers
=> Library: Tools and skills workshops
=> Library: Book Club, previews and discussions
=> Library: Video, audio, and pdfs
=> Library: Content to critique for possible feature articles
=> Library: BPDFamily research surveys
Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife
Loading...