Has breaking NC brought any good to you or your exBPDgf/bf?

[Driver]

Hello everyone,

I wish to open this poll in order to help all the people who are on the brink of breaking NC with their exBPDgf/bf. This poll is addressed in particular to those of you who had already broken NC and who have learned your lessons from it. Your vote based on your experience is valuable and could be an eye-opener to those who are still struggling with their decisions. Thank you all for your participation.

[MapleBob]

I could really vote either way, but I went with "no". Sometimes breaking NC helped, and sometimes it didn't, in a variety of ways.

[Driver]

I could really vote either way, but I went with "no". Sometimes breaking NC helped, and sometimes it didn't, in a variety of ways.

Bear in mind the outcome of the whole situation. I guess that when breaking NC in the beginning it might be some kind of relief, but what about afterwards? Was it worth it? Or did it contribute to needing even more time to reconstruct oneself?

Anyway, thanks for your share.

[MapleBob]

I could really vote either way, but I went with "no". Sometimes breaking NC helped, and sometimes it didn't, in a variety of ways.

Bear in mind the outcome of the whole situation. I guess that when breaking NC in the beginning it might be some kind of relief, but what about afterwards? Was it worth it? Or did it contribute to needing even more time to reconstruct oneself?

Anyway, thanks for your share.

I wasn't even referring to the relief from her absence. We didn't ultimately reconcile, but I learned a lot more about how far off her perception of me and our situation was, and what had happened. I didn't experience closure or anything, but I had more information, and we had some good conversations and some good things happened between us. A lot of it was hard too, and furthered the damage that we did to each other - and made it harder to move on - but it wasn't as black-and-white "NC is good/NC is bad" as many stories are.

[hashtag_loyal]

I actually spent most of the last two months getting closer to my dBPDxgf, and it really helped me out in the long run. I eventually became emotionally numb to her actions, learned a great deal, and ultimately received closure, but it was most definitely not easy. It really took all the patience and compassion I could muster not to get hurt by any of it. My approach worked for me, but it is definitely not for everyone. IMO, NC is the best approach unless you really know what you are doing.

[Infern0]

Its hard to answer. Our first period of nc was mid way through 2014, obviously a LOT happened since then and most of it for the negative. With that said I wasn't ready to move on back then so I see what happened as being nessasary. I'm the sort of person who learns the hard way, I needed to exhaust all possibilities to be OK with moving on.

[MakingMyWay]

It could be either way for me. I got some answers from her, but it usually just caused more confusion.

[thisworld]

Yes it has although breaking no contact happened involuntarily (my ex became very volatile, I became afraid and my T and I decided that we could do gray rock, which didn't completely work, either.) Communication provoked a lot of anxiety and anger in me. I felt very suffocated in the beginning, but it has also helped:

I was able to see how unbalanced my ex is. A lot of things were kind of normalized in our home life but from a distance, I just said Wow, what is this?

Written language helped me to see his cognitive distortions and difficulties very clearly - this was also hidden to a degree behind volatile reactions at home. Behind the rages, there is a person with very strange thought patterns.

I have had a chance to see how exploitative he can be or he can attempt to be.

With the help of this site, I had an idea of how the disorder runs so I was able to see my relationship from that perspective and it has helped me achieve closure in my head. Without this site, I wouldn't experience this as an empowering result.

I learnt a lot about my own triggers and started to feel much stronger when I wasn't affected as much. I can see where I am in my detachment.

Still, I would have preferred NC and feel that maybe LC would have been harder after a longer relationship - we were together for 2.5-3 months and I was already very dissatisfied in this relationship.

[kc sunshine]

For me, not being in NC has been challenging and I've been exposed to hurt and more than I wanted to know about her new relationships/attachments. I really love the concept of release with grace though-- that feels in line with my values and who I want to be.

For me, the challenge of release with grace is how to deal with the push pull-- how to resist the pull and endure the push.

It is a little bit easier for me to resist the pull this time around since she is in relationships with other people. When the push comes, I say to myself "this is her push" and try not to take it personally. That's at my best-- at my worst, I come to these message boards in pain and try to make sense of it all.

[steelwork]

NC (or DNR, since he initiated) started last March and was broken briefly by me in Sept--just a quick exchange of emails about some business. "Hope you're well" was the extent of emotion expressed.

Did that hurt or help? I think it was neutral but on the side of hurting for the simple reason that it wasn't the kind of contact I would have wanted. On the other hand, our business was settled, so I guess it brought some good, so I'm answering yes.

The troubles started the previous December (the discard), and that was followed by a freeze-out and then some low contact. I only had one more phone conversation and never again saw him in person. I very much wanted to see him in person.

Was it like that hug Lonely_Astro is contemplating elsewhere? Not sure.

I may be wrong, but I think part of the problem for me is that he seemed to become a RADICALLY different person when he dumped me. He said himself, "I feel like I'm a different person." But I've never seen this person in the flesh! Maybe seeing him, seeing the absence of love in his eyes, would help me put to rest my memory of him as a guy who loved me. I have two Ds in my head: the one I knew in person and the one on the other end of some really nasty remote exchanges. I wish I could merge them so I would stop thinking of the guy I knew as still existing on some other plane.

Does that make any sense?

I would also have liked a hug, but maybe I couldn't have handled it. Also, I strongly suspect HE couldn't handle it. He didn't want to see me because it would have made me real again.

[MapleBob]

The troubles started the previous December (the discard), and that was followed by a freeze-out and then some low contact. I only had one more phone conversation and never again saw him in person. I very much wanted to see him in person. ... .

I would also have liked a hug, but maybe I couldn't have handled it. Also, I strongly suspect HE couldn't handle it. He didn't want to see me because it would have made me real again.

One thousand times YES! I've had this exact same thought process. I was dumped over the phone a few days after our last date, and never saw her again in person. Then NC for around six weeks, then increasing contact throughout the summer, to the point where it seemed possible that we might get back together. But she refused to see me, even as a friend. (We were long distance, otherwise we might have.) She talked constantly about how she wanted to hug me, and how she did miss me, but she just wouldn't see me. I made it very clear that it didn't have to be a "date", and that it was just important to me to SEE her and experience the interaction in person. But she wasn't having it. So yes, I can relate to the frustration of not having a physically present moment of closure - and also with trying to deal with a "virtual" person who is being awful to you in ways that they couldn't/wouldn't do in person.

[Rmbrworst]

Generally, I do not thinking breaking NC is a good thing to do, but it depends on quite a lot of things.

I voted "no" for breaking NC.  The reason for this is because when I broke NC and contacted my exBPD, he ignored me.

You would think this would be devastating for me.  It was not.  It was proof that he is an immature child who cannot engage in a real relationship and he cannot take responsibility for his actions.  Anybody who ignores you or gives you the silent treatment is emotionally abusing you. 

When mature adults break up, they talk it out, they discuss it, they come to a conclusion.  When I broke up with my boyfriend before my exBPD, we had a big conversation.  We decided we should be friends.  We have now been friends for 5 years.  We have an amazing loving friendship. In fact he's coming with me on vacation that my exBPD was supposed to go with me on!  We are just going as friends (he's now dating someone else), but how amazing is it that we have such a great bond that we did not allow to fade just because we were not compatible as partners.

My exBPD has destroyed any type of relationship we could have in the future, by ignoring that text.  He proved to me he is not worthy of my friendship.  Mature healthy adults do not ignore.  They engage, they learn, they resolve, they move forward and face their problems. 

I felt weak breaking NC . . . but it was a blessing in disguise.  It showed me his true colors.

[jhkbuzz]

I broke n/c because I was moving and her dog's microchip was still registered to my address. The email exchange was to let her know that she needed to submit a change of address to the microchip company.

It actually became a friendly exchange, which surprised me because the breakup and the aftermath was ugly. She answered my emails almost instantly and was humorous in a few. Once the address change was taken care of, however, she realized I wasn't interested in ongoing contact and her final email was abrupt.

I don't regret contacting her for a few reasons, one being that I loved that dog!    I'm also glad that what will likely be our last contact was pleasant - the most shocking part of the b/u for me was how ugly it got.

Being in contact with her didn't set me back at all, surprisingly. Having to talk her through the change of address reminded me of how often I had to be "the responsible one" in the r/s - which I definitely do not miss. And I was not tempted to stay in touch.

The exchange actually gave me a sort of closure. But it was an exchange I was ready for, a year after the b/u.

[Visitor]

Its hard to answer. Our first period of nc was mid way through 2014, obviously a LOT happened since then and most of it for the negative. With that said I wasn't ready to move on back then so I see what happened as being nessasary. I'm the sort of person who learns the hard way, I needed to exhaust all possibilities to be OK with moving on.

A valid point. I know a lot of people advise no contact but there are times when that person needs to make contact just so their ex can stamp out any burning embers of hope that are still smouldering under the surface. And nobody will p*ss on those embers like a disordered ex!

From the movie “Nightwatch”

You should take a look

Nah

No you should. Otherwise you’ll just be haunted here working at night. Nothing cures a fantasy like a quick dose of reality

You think so?

Go on...

[Caley]

I've read so many posts about this subject and it strikes me that there seems to be some misunderstanding about No Contact. I believe people use the term erroneously.

The concept of No Contact means just that ... No Contact (ever again). It is the result of a person resolutely adopting a strategy of fast track healing from a less than savoury experience with another.

I would say ... but I might very well be wrong (because I often am, and would like to invite some discussion here) ... a lot of people confuse the concept of No Contact with Silent Treatment (convenient wouldn't you say? Absolved of the very crime a BPD person commits and disguised under the umbrella of a supposedly healthier banner ... nevertheless, an abusive counter strike).

If you haven't yet reached a point from which you now appreciate that your life will be healthier, happier and better served without this other person (and implement NC) ... you're not adopting NC ... you're playing the same tactic 'ST'.

I hope there is room for critical thinking and discussion here ... because my belief is that this survey achieves very little under the auspices of NC ... perhaps, it would be more helpful for those who have just chosen to go quiet for a while but who, deep down, do want contact or to reconnect. We are 'people' ... surely, division and an 'us and them mindset' causes all kinds of friction and unpleasantness ... this is how wars start. People with BPD traits are people too ... yes, they're a frustrating bunch ... and b?#gger me ... they can try the patience of a saint ... but if you look really closely they've got some top shelf qualities too. Just like you.

People who have opted to adopt NC in its entirety are kayaking down a river, mountain climbing a peak somewhere, snowboarding down Ben Nevis or doing something else (a cuddle anyone) either on their own or with someone that they're in a mutually beneficial relationship with (unless they've fallen off their perch again, met someone with similar traits and are back here for a second helping and some chicken soup) ... otherwise, the people who can truly answer this question are simply not here to answer it.

OK ... I've put my flack jacket on ... guns at dawn ... fire away. It just kinda sticks in the throat a bit all this holier than thou stuff. Either love them or leave them ... but for The Supreme Beings sake ... don't waste your life trying to understand them (they really don't like it when you try to do this).

My lady is a peach ... she runs me ragged ... she's a princess one day ... a witch the next ... I wouldn't have her any other way. There's ST, awful behaviour, ups and downs and shades of colours you couldn't dream of ... if you can learn to accept them for everything they are ... and love them anyway ... I'll lend you my take ... they are the most faithful, loyal and loving people on the planet. Get a hobby ... live ... contemplate your own navel and take your finger out of theirs ... !

If you're with a borderline make sure they're borderline ... they're  deeply sensitive and need your love ... NPD's ... and ASP's ... get the 'flock outta there'. Treated properly ... the only crime a person with BPD will commit ... is the crime of 'loving you to death'. So let them ... You'll love it.

I'm definitely going to get banned from this site ... !

Take care. x

Oops ... that was a rant, wasn't it? <Grin>.

[Driver]

I've read so many posts about this subject and it strikes me that there seems to be some misunderstanding about No Contact. I believe people use the term erroneously.

The concept of No Contact means just that ... No Contact (ever again). It is the result of a person resolutely adopting a strategy of fast track healing from a less than savoury experience with another.

I would say ... but I might very well be wrong (because I often am, and would like to invite some discussion here) ... a lot of people confuse the concept of No Contact with Silent Treatment (convenient wouldn't you say? Absolved of the very crime a BPD person commits and disguised under the umbrella of a supposedly healthier banner ... nevertheless, an abusive counter strike).

If you haven't yet reached a point from which you now appreciate that your life will be healthier, happier and better served without this other person (and implement NC) ... you're not adopting NC ... you're playing the same tactic 'ST'.

I hope there is room for critical thinking and discussion here ... because my belief is that this survey achieves very little under the auspices of NC ... perhaps, it would be more helpful for those who have just chosen to go quiet for a while but who, deep down, do want contact or to reconnect. We are 'people' ... surely, division and an 'us and them mindset' causes all kinds of friction and unpleasantness ... this is how wars start. People with BPD traits are people too ... yes, they're a frustrating bunch ... and b?#gger me ... they can try the patience of a saint ... but if you look really closely they've got some top shelf qualities too. Just like you.

People who have opted to adopt NC in its entirety are kayaking down a river, mountain climbing a peak somewhere, snowboarding down Ben Nevis or doing something else (a cuddle anyone) either on their own or with someone that they're in a mutually beneficial relationship with (unless they've fallen off their perch again, met someone with similar traits and are back here for a second helping and some chicken soup) ... otherwise, the people who can truly answer this question are simply not here to answer it.

OK ... I've put my flack jacket on ... guns at dawn ... fire away. It just kinda sticks in the throat a bit all this holier than thou stuff. Either love them or leave them ... but for The Supreme Beings sake ... don't waste your life trying to understand them (they really don't like it when you try to do this).

My lady is a peach ... she runs me ragged ... she's a princess one day ... a witch the next ... I wouldn't have her any other way. There's ST, awful behaviour, ups and downs and shades of colours you couldn't dream of ... if you can learn to accept them for everything they are ... and love them anyway ... I'll lend you my take ... they are the most faithful, loyal and loving people on the planet. Get a hobby ... live ... contemplate your own navel and take your finger out of theirs ... !

If you're with a borderline make sure they're borderline ... they're  deeply sensitive and need your love ... NPD's ... and ASP's ... get the 'flock outta there'. Treated properly ... the only crime a person with BPD will commit ... is the crime of 'loving you to death'. So let them ... You'll love it.

I'm definitely going to get banned from this site ... !

Take care. x

Oops ... that was a rant, wasn't it? <Grin>.

Great post. But again, let's not lose sight of the fact that although pwBPD have common traits, each experience may be more or less unique regarding the bond in a relationship. The bottom line is, pwBPD may 'love you to death' but for how long? One week? One month? One year? 10 years? I guess it'll depend on each pwBPD.

I agree with you regarding the difference between NC and ST. However, I don't know (we haven't done any kind of survey) if all those who have initiated NC are necessarily absent. Anyway, they may at least pass by to this board at the beginning of their initiative.

[steelwork]

Caley, I have no stones to toss or weapons to fire... .and I don't know much, but I know thw silent treatment. What I'm doing ain't it. I'm just trying to avoid even more soul-shriveling abuse.

Life is hard.

It's hard for me in a different way than it's hard for you.

There was a time when I would have embraced the chance to love him warts and all. He wouldn't let me, in the end. If I could just walk away and pretend he never existed, well, that would be great. Or kayak. Alone or with someone else. Wanting it won't make it so.

[Conundrum]

I've read so many posts about this subject and it strikes me that there seems to be some misunderstanding about No Contact. I believe people use the term erroneously.

The concept of No Contact means just that ... No Contact (ever again). It is the result of a person resolutely adopting a strategy of fast track healing from a less than savoury experience with another.

I would say ... but I might very well be wrong (because I often am, and would like to invite some discussion here) ... a lot of people confuse the concept of No Contact with Silent Treatment (convenient wouldn't you say? Absolved of the very crime a BPD person commits and disguised under the umbrella of a supposedly healthier banner ... nevertheless, an abusive counter strike).

If you haven't yet reached a point from which you now appreciate that your life will be healthier, happier and better served without this other person (and implement NC) ... you're not adopting NC ... you're playing the same tactic 'ST'.

Yes Caley, a discussion should incorporate diverse points of view, bringing color where monochrome does not suffice. Though, if we could shut off matters of the heart in-the-blink-of-an eye--therapists would shutter doors, lonely-heart bars would close down, and emo music would thankfully be less predominate (blech, sort of joking).

But the human heart wants what the heart wants--despite reality, and clings to illusion. Consequently, reason wars with feeling, and harmonizing both disparate elements challenges our beings. Until, a livable balance is struck, we suffer. And if suffering is caused by desire then suffering may be alleviated via detaching from said object of desire, ergo no contact. However, that is not tantamount to eliminating desire itself, yet it is a pain management tool/mechanism. Under those circumstances, it is not employed as a silent treatment punishment because it is being utilized as a survival mechanism.

Though, I have never been an enthusiastic proponent of no-contact regarding my own partnership/BPD story--I do accept that it serves a purpose for many. Generally, I shy away from no-contact, because for me, it compartmentalizes segments of my life that I view as a continuum. There are chapters in my story, though it remains a work in progress. Beginning, middle and the ongoing, all have meaning to me--and I do not feel the desire to archive the characters who have mattered. However, some here have experienced what they consider to be traumatic abuse. It is very difficult to reconcile abuse with lingering or past desire, because on its face it appears illogical--though we know that those two oppositional elements may be present in these relationships  Therefore, the tool of no-contact can assist while that painful dualistic tension is being sorted out.

So, we possess both commonalities and differential experiential notions regarding these matters of the heart, as all things change.         

     

[steelwork]

Right, yeah--each of our stories is unique. I apologize for repeating myself but, briefly:

--was unexpectedly told I'd been replaced. It was a period when we'd been friendly but not romantic. Still, it hit hard. He raged, then blocked and froze me out for a month.

--spent a few weeks thinking about everything and wrote him a letter apologizing for my considerable role in what happened. Asked for another chance.

--he called. He said he'd never worked so hard to get over anyone, I'd been his great love, but he'd moved on, implied it wasn't necessarily permanent ("i don't want to do anything with you while i'm with her"--which was insulting, the assumption that i would settle for being side action, but whatever). We spoke for a while and agreed to be friends. I let him know I wanted more but would respect his boundaries. Delusional, but deep in love and shock.

--he played cat and mouse for months, then raged and blocked and froze me out.

Technically I think you'd say I'm DNR (was hoping to resuscitate but no longer). Anyhow, not dogging him after he ghosted isn't "silent treatment."

As for getting on with my life: trying! Honest! Been in T 2x weekly for a year.

Also, I was recently diagnosed with complex ptsd, on top of severe recurrent depression, which makes "getting over it" a complicated matter

So that's one story. There are as many others as there are other members.   

[MapleBob]

Technically I think you'd say I'm DNR (was hoping to resuscitate but no longer). Anyhow, not dogging him after he ghosted isn't "silent treatment."

Exactly! It's not the silent treatment when they - in words, or actions - tell you not to contact them. It's respecting their wishes, first of all. Second of all, it's self-protection against getting the same old push-away.

My ex *wanted* the silent treatment, and that's probably what's best for both of us until (if) something changes. She knows.

[hashtag_loyal]

I'll lend you my take ... they are the most faithful, loyal and loving people on the planet.

Umm... .unless they happen to be sex addicted waifs. The only thing my dBPDxgf was "faithful" about was faithfully hating herself after each and every time she cheated on me! 

[Visitor]

Technically I think you'd say I'm DNR (was hoping to resuscitate but no longer). Anyhow, not dogging him after he ghosted isn't "silent treatment."

Exactly! It's not the silent treatment when they - in words, or actions - tell you not to contact them. It's respecting their wishes, first of all. Second of all, it's self-protection against getting the same old push-away.

My ex *wanted* the silent treatment, and that's probably what's best for both of us until (if) something changes. She knows.

It’s interesting how people are mentioning the difference between silent treatment and no contact. I have never pondered this before.

I would say that silent treatment is a passive aggressive form of communication to the perceived “wrong doer” where although that person has decided not to communicate with the other person, it is short lived and will only last until the anger has subsided or both parties have decided to talk. In short I would say silent treatment is a form of punishment.

No contact is when a person has decided that they want to detach themselves with the emotions that the other person brings.

Then you have low contact which is obviously for tying up loose ends, stuff at house needs to be collected, children, divorce, finances etc.

When a person with BPD leaves they rarely do it in a mature way that communicates to the other person they want to move on for the right reasons, and this is where it all becomes rather abusive. Before the BPD goes they will accuse their partner for the collapse of the relationship and rarely take any responsibility. Cruelly cutting them off without giving them the opportunity to counter their claims the partner is left with guilt, shame, anger and a whole mixture of emotions that cannot be expressed.

So from a BPD’s point of view I feel their lack of contact is a mixture of silent treatment (punishment) and no contact (detaching from the emotions you bring).

[C.Stein]

I would say that silent treatment is a passive aggressive form of communication to the perceived “wrong doer” where although that person has decided not to communicate with the other person, it is short lived and will only last until the anger has subsided or both parties have decided to talk. In short I would say silent treatment is a form of punishment.

Consider another alternative here.  When one person is so hurt, angry and upset by something their partner did they have nothing to say to them that is constructive.  This isn't punitive silent treatment or NC, it is something entirely different.  Sometimes it is better to say nothing rather than letting the emotions do the speaking.

[Visitor]

Consider another alternative here.  When one person is so hurt, angry and upset by something their partner did they have nothing to say to them that is constructive.  This isn't punitive silent treatment or NC, it is something entirely different.  Sometimes it is better to say nothing rather than letting the emotions do the speaking.

Can you give an example?

[Caley]

C.Stein,

You make a very good point.

To me ... when one has reached this point though, it is an indication that one has recognised one's own emotional dysregulation, where fair reasoning is overshadowed by emotion. So, one goes quiet and says nothing ... because saying anything, at that juncture, does more harm than good. That, to me, is healthy. However, depending on how long it takes to come back to baseline, whatever it was that was upsetting, in the first place, still remains to be addressed. Stuffing, suppressing and sweeping these things under the carpet is not healthy. I don't see this as silent treatment or NC ... I see this as someone who is in touch with themselves, mindful, self aware and fundamentally emotionally responsible, not only for themselves but for their SO's state of being too.

In essence ... one didn't 'lose' control and add fuel to an already raging fire.

Cluster B traited people struggle with this self driven/soothing emotional regulation and get carried off on the intense wave of emotion and can become abusive. Which is what is meant by 'don't take it personally'. Because it isn't ... but it is often hard to accept.

I still maintain that unless a person has decided to completely let go of another, and eradicate them from their lives, for a healthier option ... it isn't NC ... !

[steelwork]

I still maintain that unless a person has decided to completely let go of another, and eradicate them from their lives, for a healthier option ... it isn't NC ... !

So I think this is a semantic matter. There's a taxonomy on the site here somewhere that calls what you describe as the "release with grace" phase. Many need to go through a NC phase to get there--which is where many here are at. This isn't the same as silent treatment, though--for all the reasons already stated.

[Driver]

I still maintain that unless a person has decided to completely let go of another, and eradicate them from their lives, for a healthier option ... it isn't NC ... !

So I think this is a semantic matter. There's a taxonomy on the site here somewhere that calls what you describe as the "release with grace" phase. Many need to go through a NC phase to get there--which is where many here are at. This isn't the same as silent treatment, though--for all the reasons already stated.

Hi steelwork   

[Visitor]

What about the use of the term "breaking no contact".

I dont like it personally because it sub-communicates that you have failed and need to start all over agin.

If you have given up smoking for a year but had one or two cigarettes within that year then for me you have given up smoking for a year regardless.

If you have been NC for a year and happened to send a couple of text here and there then you have been NC for a year.

 

[Driver]

What about the use of the term "breaking no contact".

I dont like it personally because it sub-communicates that you have failed and need to start all over agin.

If you have given up smoking for a year but had one or two cigarettes within that year then for me you have given up smoking for a year regardless.

If you have been NC for a year and happened to send a couple of text here and there then you have been NC for a year.

 

That means exactly that . That's why I asked if you regret it or not.

[C.Stein]

Consider another alternative here.  When one person is so hurt, angry and upset by something their partner did they have nothing to say to them that is constructive.  This isn't punitive silent treatment or NC, it is something entirely different.  Sometimes it is better to say nothing rather than letting the emotions do the speaking.

Can you give an example?

Not a specific one, but generally speaking it usually involved a boundary being crossed.  I know for myself there were several instances where I was so hurt by something my ex said or did I simply did not have anything to say.  I wasn't punishing her I was simply too emotional to really say anything constructive.  

That said, as our relationship progressed instead of talking about things once the rational mind was back in control I just let it go with little to no discussion, particularly when I had already discussed similar or identical issues with her before and got nowhere.   This was the wrong thing to do on many different levels.

However, depending on how long it takes to come back to baseline, whatever it was that was upsetting, in the first place, still remains to be addressed. Stuffing, suppressing and sweeping these things under the carpet is not healthy.

Sweeping things under the carpet is certainly not healthy.  My ex was literally a pro at doing this and I let her do it more times than not.  I unfortunately allowed this to happen for several reasons.  

First I don't like confrontation, never have.  That is not to say I won't discuss things that bother me and I did with her at one point in our relationship.  However after repeated seeing her sink into a self-pitying depression time and time again with no constructive bidirectional dialogue occurring and nothing really being resolved I stopped trying to talk things out and let her sweep things under the carpet.  

I also did this because I was afraid of negatively impacting what she needed to focus on at the time and by doing so I sacrificed my own emotional well being and the health of the relationship.   I also didn't want to be put in the position where she could point her blame finger at me and say it's your fault I failed.  

This was a full on FOG response by me.  This was obviously not the right thing to do ... .not for me or her or our relationship.  

Sad thing is she is almost certainly pointing her blame finger at me anyway (post discard) because it is what she needs to do in order to justify all her hurtful, wrong and destructive behavior.  She needs to feel that she is a good person and the only way she can do that is blame me for everything.