Do they just 'forget' the good memories?

[Doughnut]

If you had a predominantly 'good' relationship with your partner with BPD and had wonderful times together, why is it that once you're painted black, they seem to completely forget the good times? Is this a common theme with people with BPD?

I had an extremely long message from my ex romantic interest telling me how much he adored me, and the message was sincerely heartfelt. We did have great times together, but one bad incident and I am completely demonic to him, being treated like I don't, and never have, existed, and I'm completely 'evil' to him. I just can't get my head around it at all 

Do they ever reflect on the good times at all or are they pre-occupied with the bad? Is there a time when they do think about the wonderful times you had together?

[Fox Mulder]

They don't think like we do. We can't compare our thought processes to theirs in an attempt to understand them. We can only get an understanding of their thought processes as something completely independent and alien to our own patterns of thinking.

I think BPD people do remember the good times, but they no longer mean anything. I'm sure my ex remembers all of our inside jokes, all the nights we spent cuddling and playing video games, and the times we went to cute little tea shops and bookstores. But in her mind I'm a horrible, garbage person who emotionally manipulated her into getting into a relationship with someone who is actually far below her standards. So all the good memories were mistakes or illusions or meaningless occasions spent with a terrible person who never meant anything he ever said and never truly loved her.

I gave up trying to figure out the reasoning behind my BPD ex's behavior. I'm just never going to understand why she left me, and I'm starting to realize that I don't understand why she wanted to be with me to begin with. She's just an enigma that came into my life, got me addicted to her, and then left me in pieces.

[steelwork]

I guess everyone's different, but in my case I can only go by what he said about past relationships.

He had fond memories of long-ago girlfriends. His ex wife, on the other hand, was a complete harridan to hear him tell it. I would spend long hours trying to understand what had brought them together. According to him (and by all evidence), her values were completely different than his, and yet she must have touched him somehow at some point. They were married for over 10 years and had a kid.

[Doughnut]

They don't think like we do. We can't compare our thought processes to theirs in an attempt to understand them. We can only get an understanding of their thought processes as something completely independent and alien to our own patterns of thinking.

I think BPD people do remember the good times, but they no longer mean anything. I'm sure my ex remembers all of our inside jokes, all the nights we spent cuddling and playing video games, and the times we went to cute little tea shops and bookstores. But in her mind I'm a horrible, garbage person who emotionally manipulated her into getting into a relationship with someone who is actually far below her standards. So all the good memories were mistakes or illusions or meaningless occasions spent with a terrible person who never meant anything he ever said and never truly loved her.

I gave up trying to figure out the reasoning behind my BPD ex's behavior. I'm just never going to understand why she left me, and I'm starting to realize that I don't understand why she wanted to be with me to begin with. She's just an enigma that came into my life, got me addicted to her, and then left me in pieces.

I'm sorry to hear it.  I know exactly what you're going through though as I'm going through a similar thing.

My ex romantic interest (I call him this because we were never officially 'together', but we acted like we were) speaks nothing but ill of me and seems like he wants me completely eradicated from his mind. I was there for him during his darkest times and went to great lengths to help him with his mental health difficulties, but it still wasn't enough.

I understand what you mean about the things you did together. I think this is what kills us the most; these memories mean so much to us yet it seems like they no longer mean anything to them.

It's very damaging. I can't imagine what it must be like for people who have been with their partners for years. We were only together for three months.

I guess everyone's different, but in my case I can only go by what he said about past relationships.

He had fond memories of long-ago girlfriends. His ex wife, on the other hand, was a complete harridan to hear him tell it. I would spend long hours trying to understand what had brought them together. According to him (and by all evidence), her values were completely different than his, and yet she must have touched him somehow at some point. They were married for over 10 years and had a kid.

Mine only had one ''ex'' (if you call it that). He didn't speak fondly of her at all; he was constantly going on about how much she hurt him, how he was the victim, etc. I did wonder at the time if the full truth was being told because he did make it seem very one-sided.

He off-handedly said he wouldn't wish anything bad upon her and it was a shame it didn't work out.

I don't know what on earth is being said about me behind closed doors... .

[GreenEyedMonster]

This is where devaluation comes into play.  People with these disorders revise their opinions of everything to match the reality of what the relationship is.  For example, there was a certain TV show that I used to watch almost every week with my ex.  The last time I spoke to him, he went on about how the show was boring and he didn't like it anyway.  This, after he'd beg me to come over and watch it every week.

The real reason he hasn't watched any more of it without me is probably because it's too painful, but he can't let himself realize that.

[Confused108]

One thing we can all bet on. Our exs are talking smack about us. And most likely not in a good way. I have come to learn from my own ex is that majority of these sick people are nothing but liars, cheaters and fakes. Mine was my ex from our teen age years. She wasn't BPD then . Got sick mentally after we were broken up by my mother.went to a mental hospital for 2 months. Came out worse then when she went in I was told by mutual friends. After I tried getting back she was a totally different person. Like a complete stranger. It was scary. She became very angry at me. At 1st she wanted to get back then she didn't Push/Pull. Fast foward 26 years later found me on FB . I didn't take her advances right away . 2 1/2 years later took her bait and she pulled the same crap on me she did as a teen. This time only worse. No remorse, no shame. No feelings at the end. Nothing. After the fog lifted I went thru several texts / FB messages and found a lot of BS lies. Point is ppl never change. I was given this long letter before she dis guarded  me telling me I'm the one she loves me so much. Blah blah bs. Then 3 days later emails me saying we r not compatible take care of you. The end. Sick.  All this over a remarks I made about getting a tattoo. Crazy!

[Confused108]

One other thing . My ex told me she dated some guy for like a 1 1/2. Well supposedly he cheated on her and was just a idiot that used her. Her words. She told me that this same ex after they of course we're broken up came to her apt after she called him and raped her. It gets better. She was friends with this ex on Facebook. Well when we started she took him off her friends list and deleted him. Once she dumped me guess who she is back being friends with in Facebook? Yup her ex who raped her? Yea I believe that now! So it just goes to show you the lies they put on people. If this ex really raped her she would not be friends with him on Facebook.

[Herodias]

Mine still thinks we don't have much in common, but does remember the good times... .we had lots of them and he still has allot of the pictures. He sent one to me recently? He does think about it I know. He just thinks our relationship was so bad. I don't think he will realize that it was not just me, that no one will put up with the bad behavior until his current gf starts to not approve of his ways... .I keep hoping that he will see that I was actually pretty easy going, since this one is pregnant! he will be living with a whole different set of circumstances with allot more rules to live by,  I am sure!

[Herodias]

One other thing . My ex told me she dated some guy for like a 1 1/2. Well supposedly he cheated on her and was just a idiot that used her. Her words. She told me that this same ex after they of course we're broken up came to her apt after she called him and raped her. It gets better. She was friends with this ex on Facebook. Well when we started she took him off her friends list and deleted him. Once she dumped me guess who she is back being friends with in Facebook? Yup her ex who raped her? Yea I believe that now! So it just goes to show you the lies they put on people. If this ex really raped her she would not be friends with him on Facebook.

I can totally see this! LOL Mine has all kinds of craziness happening as well... .I can tell by FB that he recently triangulated the gf he had in my bed over the last Xmas we spent together! They lie, lie, lie!

[woofbarkmeowbeep]

She was friends with this ex on Facebook. Well when we started she took him off her friends list and deleted him. Once she dumped me guess who she is back being friends with in Facebook?

Exact same thing happened with me. Morning after she broke up with me she had refriended her ex on fb.

[woofbarkmeowbeep]

She's just an enigma that came into my life, got me addicted to her, and then left me in pieces.

Wow. describes my experience perfectly.

[hashtag_loyal]

This is where devaluation comes into play.  People with these disorders revise their opinions of everything to match the reality of what the relationship is.

This is very true. PwBPD rationalize things after-the-fact to match their at-the-moment-in-time feelings.

[Confused108]

She was friends with this ex on Facebook. Well when we started she took him off her friends list and deleted him. Once she dumped me guess who she is back being friends with in Facebook?

Exact same thing happened with me. Morning after she broke up with me she had refriended her ex on fb.

yup ya see! And you know why they do that right. So they can "recycle" them again and around and around we go. Yea my ex best stay clear of me if she know's what's good for her.

[Confused108]

Mine still thinks we don't have much in common, but does remember the good times... .we had lots of them and he still has allot of the pictures. He sent one to me recently? He does think about it I know. He just thinks our relationship was so bad. I don't think he will realize that it was not just me, that no one will put up with the bad behavior until his current gf starts to not approve of his ways... .I keep hoping that he will see that I was actually pretty easy going, since this one is pregnant! he will be living with a whole different set of circumstances with allot more rules to live by,  I am sure!

[/quote

Blue mine told me thru a email the reason she walked away this time was bc she felt we were not compatible ! When u have several texts /FB messages that said how compatible we are ! You got that right Lies Lies and More Lies!

[woofbarkmeowbeep]

She was friends with this ex on Facebook. Well when we started she took him off her friends list and deleted him. Once she dumped me guess who she is back being friends with in Facebook?

Exact same thing happened with me. Morning after she broke up with me she had refriended her ex on fb.

yup ya see! And you know why they do that right. So they can "recycle" them again and around and around we go. Yea my ex best stay clear of me if she know's what's good for her.

Damn... you really think that is the case?

[Confused108]

Yes. Majority of them keep their ex lovers in different compartments for use later.

[ScotisGone74]

Yeah, they keep us in different compartments-if we allow them to.    Im not in a compartment, the hell with sitting on a shelf we have lives to lead.  But to answer the original question,  No, they dont just "forget" us or memories of the time we spent.    Their day to day inner self loathing and soothing seeking take precendt over all other thoughts.   In addition to that they already carry soo much shame and inner turmoil they do anything they possibly can to avoid any thoughts of failed past relationships or people`s lives theyve screwed over.   I know mine kept little momentos like tickets, notes, and other lite trinkets to remember things we did together.      But yeah they remember us, that five seconds they dont happen to be on the phone or arent chasing after the umpteenth replacement they think about it. 

[Herodias]

"Yeah, they keep us in different compartments-if we allow them to.    I'm not in a compartment, the hell with sitting on a shelf we have lives to lead."

I don't know why this made me laugh... .I am not a compartment either! Aren't you all just sick and tired of trying to figure out how they think and what they want? I really am... .there is no figuring them out really. Even though they have a messed up version of reality, we live in the real world and I agree- we need to live our lives and move on... .Hard as that may be. They are never going to be happy and we are never going to be happy if we keep this up!

[once removed]

agree with many of the other comments. just wanted to add there are object constancy and object permanence issues at play as well.

setting the psychology aside for a moment, its not really a huge stretch to understand what drives a person to rewrite history in this way. scorned lovers, people with low self esteem, sensitivity to rejection, are more likely to blame the one that scorned them, and "only remember the bad".

you see it all the time on this very board