Feeling quite bad today

[Depression = 72% of members]

Following on from last week where she sent me the email breaking NC.

I ended up having a long phone convo with her where I detailed my reasons for moving on, ended up getting in a drawn out "debate" about why "we" don't work, where I spoke my mind, told her that it was her lack of communication and other problems, admitted that my issues play into this but said that if she can't meet me in the middle, there's no future for us. she owned some of it but still was not coming to the party with any suggestions or anything, the conversation ended with me saying things simply cannot work the way they are but that i had no hard feelings and i wished her luck.

Since then she has continued to try and engage me with text messages saying "hi" or other small talk. Today she asked if i wanted to get a coffee on my lunch break.

I have tried to be polite and have responded but I made it clear to her that she needs to let me move on and I thought that my conversation made this pretty clear. Now i feel like an ass because i'm being short with her but the truth is i don't know why she is still texting me.

I'm just so tired of this, i guess i'm going to have to delete and block, which i didn't want to do but she's making closure impossile (i know i shouldn't be surprised by this)

[Infern0]

Following on from last week where she sent me the email breaking NC.

I ended up having a long phone convo with her where I detailed my reasons for moving on, ended up getting in a drawn out "debate" about why "we" don't work, where I spoke my mind, told her that it was her lack of communication and other problems, admitted that my issues play into this but said that if she can't meet me in the middle, there's no future for us. she owned some of it but still was not coming to the party with any suggestions or anything, the conversation ended with me saying things simply cannot work the way they are but that i had no hard feelings and i wished her luck.

Since then she has continued to try and engage me with text messages saying "hi" or other small talk. Today she asked if i wanted to get a coffee on my lunch break.

I have tried to be polite and have responded but I made it clear to her that she needs to let me move on and I thought that my conversation made this pretty clear. Now i feel like an ass because i'm being short with her but the truth is i don't know why she is still texting me.

I'm just so tired of this, i guess i'm going to have to delete and block, which i didn't want to do but she's making closure impossile (i know i shouldn't be surprised by this)

[thisworld]

Infern0 hi

I'm sorry that you are feeling bad today but your post sounds very wise in terms of your needs, whether she can meet them or not or what may be awaiting you. Have you recycled before with her?

I'm asking this because my ex partner would own some of his behaviour but wouldn't offer a mid-way (this was during the relationship) and if we decided not to split up nevertheless he would go back to his behaviours in a mattter of days and I would feel terrible for just voicing a boundary but not following up (this happened twice). This made me feel worse than his behaviours actually.

He engaged in all those "hi", "how are you behaviours" and I think it's the usual push and pull. My ex uses small messages like that to get one foot in the door.

Ultimately, I don't think they need to do anything for us to move on, basically they do what they do. If we request some space or distance and they can't give it due to their own inner needs it is our responsibility to follow up on our boundaries.

If you decide to delete and block, what kind of deleting and blocking would make you the most comfortable (say, one with a polite, final message or one without any words at all?)

[Infern0]

Infern0 hi

I'm sorry that you are feeling bad today but your post sounds very wise in terms of your needs, whether she can meet them or not or what may be awaiting you. Have you recycled before with her?

I'm asking this because my ex partner would own some of his behaviour but wouldn't offer a mid-way (this was during the relationship) and if we decided not to split up nevertheless he would go back to his behaviours in a mattter of days and I would feel terrible for just voicing a boundary but not following up (this happened twice). This made me feel worse than his behaviours actually.

He engaged in all those "hi", "how are you behaviours" and I think it's the usual push and pull. My ex uses small messages like that to get one foot in the door.

Ultimately, I don't think they need to do anything for us to move on, basically they do what they do. If we request some space or distance and they can't give it due to their own inner needs it is our responsibility to follow up on our boundaries.

If you decide to delete and block, what kind of deleting and blocking would make you the most comfortable (say, one with a polite, final message or one without any words at all?)

Yes we have recycled.

This last period, we had re-established contact and I told her off the bat that I wasn't interested in wasting my time and that if she wanted to work on us then we could do that but if not then we don't need to be in contact. She asked for a little time so i gave her a couple of weeks, after that she wasn't making an effort so i said goodbye. She then wanted to talk so we had that long convo, like i say she did take ownership of her pushing me away, told me she does it because of intense feelings etc which i understand, but if she won't alter her behaviours then it's time to move on.

Each recycle in the past has been contact-friends-couple of months getting closer-recycle

I am not interested in doing the friends thing and "waiting my turn" as it were while she's out test driving other guys.

[thisworld]

I understand your approach to this. I feel very much the same (and our exes seem to have similar patterns.) In my ex's situation, owning doesn't mean doing anything beyond a verbal level and because his actions don't match my independent values at all (or my emotional expectations), it's kind of easy to let go. But do you feel bad about blocking?

[C.Stein]

In my ex's situation, owning doesn't mean doing anything beyond a verbal level ... .

My ex is the same.  The few times when she did "own" her hurtful actions/behavior that was as far as it went ... .a verbal placation/manipulation of me.  The following actions/behavior would suggest she never truly believed or "owned" what she was saying.

[Driver]

Hi Infern0,

I am really sorry to learn all this. I tried to warn you last week about this, but don't despair, it's never too late to rebuild yourself. I hope my words will help you when I tell you that it's not your fault if you feel you failed to explain to her what you feel and want for yourself.

Bear in mind one thing and never forget this, when you try to reason about emotions with a pwBPD it is exactly the same as if you tried to explain it to a three-year old child (or even younger). Unfortunately pwBPD have not developed the capacity to regulate their emotions which often make them twist the reality which they see either as black or white.

To them if you say that you want to take some distance, there is no way they will understand it. They'll tell you they understand you but they'll think you actually hate them. They will think you want to punish them and they'll try to paint you black and hate you and they'll try to punish you too by all sorts of pressures after which they may re-write yet another e-mail full of "I am so sorry".

She's probably clinging on you for the simple reason that she can't have you. The moment you give in and she feels she has a grip over you she then can test your love by all the push me-pull me behavior. In other words, it is you who starts to cling on her.

Borderlines very often cross the lines, borders, limits, so do'nt expect from them to make them for you. Only you can draw the limits. The reason why I advocated in favor of maintaining NC is not only to heal faster from this toxic relationship, but also because arguing and reasoning with a pwBPD embarks you to an infernal vicious circle which starts by "Hi" and each time ends with your exBPDgf saying to you "You're the worst person I've ever met."

You have the tools (your reason) to end this infernal circle, she unfortunately doesn't, because her sickness prevents it and she's not to blame for that, her sickness is. Many people don't realize (including myself), but it's hellova serious sickness they've got. And as much as they may be in pain, we are hellova in pain too to see our loved ones causing us to suffer everyone around including themselves.

Hang in Infern0 and I hope you find lucidity and force to move on in your life.

[zeus123]

hi Inferno, i agree with everything Driver said. you are hurting and tired because you are responding to her e-mails and having phone conversation with her. NO CONTACT means NO CONTACT, when you start to implement this strategy NC than you will not be hurting anymore or feel like an ass, otherwise keep talking to her and post here telling us about how depressive it is.

she is texting you because she likes to play you and manipulate you, emotionally she's a 3 year old girl, don't believe anything she says to the contrary, she's not calling to check on you or what you meant to her, how can she? she has no empathy!

[Panda39]

Borderlines very often cross the lines, borders, limits, so don't expect from them to make them for you. Only you can draw the limits.

I totally agree with this.  You can tell someone (BPD or not) what your boundary is but unless you enforce it, it's like there is no boundary at all.  You have to master boundary enforcement because pwBPD are master boundary busters.

Panda39

[apollotech]

Infern0,

Sorry to hear about the new turn of events. Hang in there my friend, it does get better. I never blocked my ex on anything, and, a year out, she is still texting me, so, if you choose not to block, just be prepared for the possible longevity of her persistence. I chose to leave the communications avenues open with my ex in the event that a real issue was to arise, health issue or something along those lines.

I am not suggesting that you do this, but for me, her texting has desensitized me to her and her advances. Because of her incessent "hi'" texts and "you just happen to cross my mind" texts she basically can't trigger me anymore. So, in a way, my ex helped me move on, helped me to detach, completely unbeknownst to her.

[Penelope35]

Infern0,

Sorry to hear about the new turn of events. Hang in there my friend, it does get better. I never blocked my ex on anything, and, a year out, she is still texting me, so, if you choose not to block, just be prepared for the possible longevity of her persistence. I chose to leave the communications avenues open with my ex in the event that a real issue was to arise, health issue or something along those lines.

I am not suggesting that you do this, but for me, her texting has desensitized me to her and her advances. Because of her incessent "hi'" texts and "you just happen to cross my mind" texts she basically can't trigger me anymore. So, in a way, my ex helped me move on, helped me to detach, completely unbeknownst to her.

Apollotech may I ask you if you reply to those messages?

[Targeted]

Infern0,

Do you feel bad because you love her and want to take away and hug all the bad out of her life?

My experience was just that!  It does not work because we love and love it! They want love but when they get it it scares them and makes them run!  Normal people cling to it and hold on in a healthy way, others learned to reject it!  We live in two different worlds

[FannyB]

Infern0,

Sorry to hear about the new turn of events. Hang in there my friend, it does get better. I never blocked my ex on anything, and, a year out, she is still texting me, so, if you choose not to block, just be prepared for the possible longevity of her persistence. I chose to leave the communications avenues open with my ex in the event that a real issue was to arise, health issue or something along those lines.

I am not suggesting that you do this, but for me, her texting has desensitized me to her and her advances. Because of her incessent "hi'" texts and "you just happen to cross my mind" texts she basically can't trigger me anymore. So, in a way, my ex helped me move on, helped me to detach, completely unbeknownst to her.

Same here. LC helps me to detach by degrees. I didn't feel I had a choice as it was likely I would see her in a work context and that would be stressful on the back of NC. NC is a necessary strategy in some cases, but it can also serve to create a monster in our own minds when all we have to do in some instances is respect and empower ourselves.

Fanny

[Infern0]

Infern0,

Do you feel bad because you love her and want to take away and hug all the bad out of her life?

My experience was just that!  It does not work because we love and love it! They want love but when they get it it scares them and makes them run!  Normal people cling to it and hold on in a healthy way, others learned to reject it!  We live in two different worlds

Its a combination. I miss her too so there's a selfish part to all of this, its just hard to let go to someone you used to be so close to

[Driver]

Infern0,

Do you feel bad because you love her and want to take away and hug all the bad out of her life?

My experience was just that!  It does not work because we love and love it! They want love but when they get it it scares them and makes them run!  Normal people cling to it and hold on in a healthy way, others learned to reject it!  We live in two different worlds

Its a combination. I miss her too so there's a selfish part to all of this, its just hard to let go to someone you used to be so close to

I've had the same problem as you Infern0. But more and more I've been realizing that in reality I wasn't close to her nor that she was close to me, but that she mirrored me. I didn't even know  what BPD meant when we were together, so I thought she was my soulmate. But when she started with her suicide threats I couldn't possibly consider her to be my soulmate.

Despite all that, I still miss her, but am trying not to contact her at all for her own good and for my own good.

If it can help you take a look at the board where people decided to stay with their BPD, they all have lots of problems on the weekly if not daily basis. Try to come to your senses Infern0. Hang in  

[apollotech]

Infern0,

Sorry to hear about the new turn of events. Hang in there my friend, it does get better. I never blocked my ex on anything, and, a year out, she is still texting me, so, if you choose not to block, just be prepared for the possible longevity of her persistence. I chose to leave the communications avenues open with my ex in the event that a real issue was to arise, health issue or something along those lines.

I am not suggesting that you do this, but for me, her texting has desensitized me to her and her advances. Because of her incessent "hi'" texts and "you just happen to cross my mind" texts she basically can't trigger me anymore. So, in a way, my ex helped me move on, helped me to detach, completely unbeknownst to her.

Apollotech may I ask you if you reply to those messages?

Hi Penelope35,

I don't reply to the "just respond and give me attention" messages. I am civil with her, but at the same time, we are also done. She sent me a Merry Christmas text at Christmas, and I likewise did the same. But I refuse to get caught up in any daily chit chat with her, it is just too toxic, and she has convinced me that she is not going to take any action in helping herself (seeking treatment). I quite frankly don't know why she's still messaging me. She has dated three other men (that I can positively confirm) since our split, so you'd think that she'd eventually drop me completely as she basically gets no response from me. That hasn't been the case, yet.

[jhkbuzz]

She continues to text because you continue to respond.

[Blimblam]

what do you want?

[Targeted]

Infern0,

Do you feel bad because you love her and want to take away and hug all the bad out of her life?

My experience was just that!  It does not work because we love and love it! They want love but when they get it it scares them and makes them run!  Normal people cling to it and hold on in a healthy way, others learned to reject it!  We live in two different worlds

Its a combination. I miss her too so there's a selfish part to all of this, its just hard to let go to someone you used to be so close to

I understand!   I'm in the exact same boat