Should I mention BPD?

[blackbirdsong]

I am in very LC with my ex GF. She would like to recycle but I don't see it possible under current circumstances (me in therapy for my narcissistic/codependency traits, she in therapy but not appropriate for BPD treatment).

So, she is in therapy (every two weeks). Her therapist mentioned BPD to her but "she didn't find herself in that", she continued to go to this therapist but for anxiety/depression reasons.

My question is should I mention BPD to her? Considering that I have admit to her that I also had "unhealthy" behavior in our relationship, will she consider BPD as an option too (so that she recognize that I don't blame BPD/her for everything)?

Or it doesn't make sense, I should just leave it as it is?

I still care for her, on a different level now, I suppose... .

I can accept the fact that I mention BPD, she doesn't accept it, paints me black and never wants to hear about me... .So, this is a risk I am willing to take, but just wondering if it will make her feel worse or better if she realizes that BPD is something worth looking into... .?

Facts:

1. Her therapist diagnosed BPD

2. My therapist, based on my stories, said that it is high possibility for BPD

I mean, she could start DBT or something similar that can start treating BPD... .

What is your opinion/experience?

[Infern0]

I mentioned it to her, at a time when i felt she wouldn't disregulate.

It went down ok, she agrees she probably has it, but it didn't change anything.

[C.Stein]

What is the point in mentioning it if she has already been diagnosed?  She already knows there is a strong likelihood she is suffering from BPD, what would be your intent here?

When I discovered the BPD fun house I did let my ex know (this was post discard).  She certainly didn't know about BPD to my knowledge.  She never responded or acknowledged she even read the email.   I  told her in the hope she might seek a professional diagnosis and perhaps find some help.  Throughout our relationship she had mentioned certain things about herself that she couldn't understand why she was like that.  When I discovered the strong correlation between her behavior/thinking and BPD it started to make sense (to me).   I then took multiple screening tests using my knowledge of her to confirm my suspicions.

Even if she did read the email I doubt she will ever really acknowledge or accept she might be suffering from a PD.  It will however sit in the back of her mind and when she hits rock bottom again she may finally seek help ... .and maybe find some modicum of lasting peace in her life.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey BBS-

So, she is in therapy (every two weeks). Her therapist mentioned BPD to her but "she didn't find herself in that", she continued to go to this therapist but for anxiety/depression reasons.

That's good BBS!  She is going to therapy, a good move, and an admission that she needs some help, which is positive. 

Interesting that her therapist mentioned BPD, they don't usually do that early in therapy, it doesn't help.  Think about it: being told you have a personality disorder, a mental illness, would be hard to hear, for anyone, and if we've cobbled a life together doing the best we can, which is what everyone does, to hear that we're actually ill could likely make all of that crumble.  And for a borderline, someone with a shame-based disorder, it could traumatize them and they could melt into a puddle of shame, until of course they use the tools they're so good at, make the therapist the ill one, play victim, distort, blame; how does that help the client, the patient?  So therapists focus on behaviors and introduce BPD slowly, if at all.

My question is should I mention BPD to her?

Think about what that would do to the dynamic of your relationship.  If she accepts your diagnosis, then she's the sick one, and that will probably be unacceptable to a borderline, who probably needs to be in the one-up position in the relationship, and if she feels like she's in the one-down position, "less than", the shame will likely show up again.  But more likely, the tools she's been using to avoid that shame and deal with life will show up, so you'll be the one with the illness, you and her therapist are working together to bring her down, whatever, and off she goes to a new attachment to btch about you both.  My hallucination, but could you see that happening?

And think about what labeling her the sick one does for you.  She's the one who is ill, which may be true, in fact that type of thing is why this site exists, and does it feel better knowing that?  Getting validation from her therapist's diagnosis?  You're looking at your own stuff which is great, and it's also helpful to look at what her diagnosis means to you, how it helps you.

But per usual, probably better to focus on the behaviors: how does her behavior make you feel?  Is it possible to sit down and have a talk with her about them and how they affect you, and have that accepted by her, not that she'll change anything, but at least she validates your concerns and it's safe emotionally to express yourself to her?  Probably not, so then it's a matter of subjectively looking at the behaviors, deciding if they're acceptable, deciding if she's ready, willing and able to make changes, and if not, removing her from your life.  Or, you could learn the tools to deal with such things, the tools the Staying folks use, just matters how important it is to have her in your life on some level.  Take care of you!

[Mr. Magnet]

She HATED when I brought it up and got very angry.

I guess i sometimes used it as verbal weapon but it was always in response to her behavior

Now she denies she has it

She accused me and her therapist of being in cahoots

[fromheeltoheal]

She accused me and her therapist of being in cahoots

There you go BBS, confirmation of what I suggested.  Best to get really clear on your goals, which I think are to help her, but what else is in there?  And we're not mental health professionals and don't know how to deal with the reaction, plus we're emotionally involved, so we're probably the worst folks to try and help.

[blackbirdsong]

You are all probably right.

This is a reason why I wanted to hear from other perspective.

After our breakup, we talked about my therapy - I also realized how I didn't clearly see my traits. As often mention here, I see this relationship as a gift now, in some weird sense, because I am now able to admit and work on the issues that I never realized.

Maybe my intention is to give her this favor back, to openly talk about bad behaviors in our r/s and talk about BPD.

You know, it is different when someone who is 24/7 with you talks about this, and it is different  when therapist says this.

I was not planning to do "the therapist job" about reasons why she has BPD or something like that, just to map BPD traits to the actual behavior in our r/s.

Based on her words, she actually admits that I spent a lot of time "studying her behavior", and she recognized my therapy as something good because we all need to work on our issues. I don't think that BPD would be something terrible to her, she knows that she has serious issues, and works on them. This is additional reason why I wanted to talk about this. Because if she realizes that she has BPD, then there are better therapies available to treat this condition.

[C.Stein]

You are all probably right.

This is a reason why I wanted to hear from other perspective.

After our breakup, we talked about my therapy - I also realized how I didn't clearly see my traits. As often mention here, I see this relationship as a gift now, in some weird sense, because I am now able to admit and work on the issues that I never realized.

Maybe my intention is to give her this favor back, to openly talk about bad behaviors in our r/s and talk about BPD.

You know, it is different when someone who is 24/7 with you talks about this, and it is different  when therapist says this.

I was not planning to do "the therapist job" about reasons why she has BPD or something like that, just to map BPD traits to the actual behavior in our r/s.

Based on her words, she actually admits that I spent a lot of time "studying her behavior", and she recognized my therapy as something good because we all need to work on our issues. I don't think that BPD would be something terrible to her, she knows that she has serious issues, and works on them. This is additional reason why I wanted to talk about this. Because if she realizes that she has BPD, then there are better therapies available to treat this condition.

BBS, based on the above I get the feeling you are walking into a pit of quicksand.  Have you examined the possible codependent aspect of this?

[blackbirdsong]

You are all probably right.

This is a reason why I wanted to hear from other perspective.

After our breakup, we talked about my therapy - I also realized how I didn't clearly see my traits. As often mention here, I see this relationship as a gift now, in some weird sense, because I am now able to admit and work on the issues that I never realized.

Maybe my intention is to give her this favor back, to openly talk about bad behaviors in our r/s and talk about BPD.

You know, it is different when someone who is 24/7 with you talks about this, and it is different  when therapist says this.

I was not planning to do "the therapist job" about reasons why she has BPD or something like that, just to map BPD traits to the actual behavior in our r/s.

Based on her words, she actually admits that I spent a lot of time "studying her behavior", and she recognized my therapy as something good because we all need to work on our issues. I don't think that BPD would be something terrible to her, she knows that she has serious issues, and works on them. This is additional reason why I wanted to talk about this. Because if she realizes that she has BPD, then there are better therapies available to treat this condition.

BBS, based on the above I get the feeling you are walking into a pit of quicksand.  Have you examined the possible codependent aspect of this?

Doing this last few days )

[SummerStorm]

Mine was diagnosed on a Friday.  That night, she called me from the hospital and told me to research BPD.  Two days later, I visited her in the hospital, and she brought it up again.  She asked, "So, does that sound like me?"  I told her it did and then brought up a few things I read.  She immediately started trying to come up with reasons why those things didn't actually sound like her.  That was the last time it came up.  In July, she had plans to move in with her parents and enter some kind of treatment program, but she never said if it was actually for BPD or not.  All she said was that she wanted to "heal her broken mind." 

Well, guess what?  7 months later, she's not in any type of therapy and is still incredibly broken. 

They're only going to accept it and do something about it when they decide to.  And unfortunately, that time may never come. 

[fromheeltoheal]

She immediately started trying to come up with reasons why those things didn't actually sound like her.

As we all would really.  We spend our lives developing and maintaining a model of the world that allows us to at least survive, maybe by playing victim, and maybe transcend surviving and go all the way to thriving.  And if someone or something picks apart that model of the world it can be highly traumatizing, and in the case of someone with a mental illness, someone who is being told "you're not like all of us", even more so.  Our strongest drive is the drive of self preservation, so of course when confronted with such news anyone will start to defend themselves, defend that model of the world that has worked at least on some level for a long time. 

What it takes is a realization that the best way to preserve yourself is to listen to what folks are saying, accept responsibility, practice some humility and honesty, and trust and be open to teaching.  And that's very difficult, for anyone, but more so for someone with the belief that they need to "heal her broken mind."

They're only going to accept it and do something about it when they decide to.  And unfortunately, that time may never come. 

True, and for us as well.  Think about how many folks who have been traumatized in a relationship with a borderline or some other PD, and are now anesthetizing themselves in a bar somewhere and/or perpetuating it in some other dysfunctional relationship.  We get to give ourselves credit here because we're digging into these issues, learning, growing, healing, evolving, and as someone who was that guy in that bar for a while, this is the harder path, but the more fruitful one, and for that I'm grateful.

[cosmonaut]

Some really good advice you are getting from everyone.  Chances are that talking to our partner about BPD isn't going to go the way we hope.  Most people have a very hard time hearing that they may have a mental illness, and this is exponentially so when you are a person who already struggles with overwhelming shame.

There is a very good article on the site that talks about the best way to help a partner with BPD.  Most experts recommend that we as partners not mention BPD, and to allow a trained professional to help steer our partner towards that realization.  It is very important that we only engage our partner in areas that they realize themselves are problems, and help to support them in those areas.  Moving beyond what they are ready to see is likely to only trigger anger, denial, and impulsive coping behaviors.  My ex would become very agitated and upset with me if I even began to "talk like a therapist".  It was something that in retrospect she interpreted as reinforcing her worst feelings of brokenness and shame, and I wish I had been more sensitive to that.

[Mr. Magnet]

Mine was diagnosed on a Friday.  That night, she called me from the hospital and told me to research BPD.  Two days later, I visited her in the hospital, and she brought it up again.  She asked, "So, does that sound like me?"  I told her it did and then brought up a few things I read.  She immediately started trying to come up with reasons why those things didn't actually sound like her.  That was the last time it came up.  In July, she had plans to move in with her parents and enter some kind of treatment program, but she never said if it was actually for BPD or not.  All she said was that she wanted to "heal her broken mind." 

Well, guess what?  7 months later, she's not in any type of therapy and is still incredibly broken. 

They're only going to accept it and do something about it when they decide to.  And unfortunately, that time may never come. 

mine made some progress in therapy but the back tracked and threw in the towel on the marriage

[kentavr3]

If your partner not diagnosed officially, don't tell. All books that I read ,don't recommend to tell. This makes them angry and super defensive. Probably, BPD understands that something wrong with them and accept it painfully and aggressively. I had a bad experience unfortunately. First time when I said to my ex none diagnosed BPDw was after a first cycle break up. She had a nervous break down toward me and I said it to her. She got mad. Second time after a couple month after she again got mad after I've shown her an article about dysfunctional families. she smashed me at the face. I told her again. Third time she listen in my conversation on the phone with my closed friend. I complained on my life with her .I said the I was frustrated. Also said that Everything that I did for her she devaluated. I said that I think she has BPD and never get better, I don't know what to do. and, this is impossible to leave with her.

Following week, Friday, day began very good. I kissed her in the morning, kissed daughter and everybody were in a good mood. She called me to the office and invited in the restaurant there she informed me that she moved out already. I was in shock, daughter was in shock. 4 months passed. I miss her terribly.

Note:

1. Last 4 years I lived as in hell. she humiliated me, abused me verbally.

2.She threatened me with breaking up our marriage many many times.

3. she filed a restriction order against me. Judge was women. Thanks God, that she was probably educated about PD. She denied a restriction order.

4. after a court I kept calling my wife begging her to return back to our marriage. Finally, after 4 months she decided come back. 4 months she tested me on her emotional Rolle coaster. I did everything that she wanted. she said me apologize to everybody that I appeared at the court and I did. I completely lost my low self-esteem.

5. second cycle was 1 year. sometimes she had 3 nervous break downs for 2 days.

6. she left. this time I don't call her. Don't ask to return back. But I' still terribly messing her. When she is in positive chaos, she is perfect women. Unfortunately, this time could finish very sudden and looks like another person in from of you.

7. I'm heavy codependent person. I work with therapist, I go so SLAA meetings, I take some antidepressant medicine based on serotonin.

What I wanted to say in the final is if you see some signs of BPD in your partner - RUN AWAY!

Everything that BPD can do is to hurt you terribly. Do not make mistakes! BPD never get better!Never!

8. This is a second marriage for my wife. She had a boy kid from previous marriage. She left him behind in her country. Not even mother feelings to him. He was raised by his father. Now our daughter got hurt.

BPD are mentally ILL! They have no feelings toward anybody.