Throwing myself into work. Healthy?

[Rmbrworst]

The day after Christmas, after giving my exBPD very expensive presents, two of them having to do with traveling with him on New Years and in March, my exBPD discarded me completely randomly.  He was fine when we went to bed on Christmas, then he woke up the next day (8 hours later), say I was ruining his life,  that I "forced" him back into a relationship (no clue how the kid came up with that one . . . ) and that he should have never gotten back with me.

After he left, I received a phone call from his "ex" boyfriend who was very upset with me, stating he was mad I was sleeping with and dating his boyfriend.  I explained to him that I had been told they were broken up the whole time.  The boyfriend then relaxed and said "It sounds like we've both been strung along for quite a long time."  I hung up the phone feeling so disgusted.  I felt sick, violated, I felt emotionally raped.  

After I grieved for a while, I decided I hated sitting around thinking of my exBPD.  I got a second job, and since then I have been working myself to the bone.  Not only am I working two jobs, I will also pick up shifts at the last minute, just so I can keep myself busy.  However, it's gotten to the point where I'm not sure if my behavior is healthy.  

I'm not sure if I'm "dealing" with things.  I avoid my friends.  When they invite me to go to things, I tell them I'm working, or I try to find a shift so that I dont have to be around people.  I just cant handle "enjoying" myself.  I feel like I want to work myself to the bone until I "feel better", and then I figure I'll have a lot of extra cash saved, so that when I feel like doing fun things again, I can afford it and then some.

Can anybody relate to this?  Anybody else doing this?  

Some days I feel fine.  Other days I just think of all the things that happened and it makes me feel really bummed out.   I never wanted this to happen.  I never though my exBPD was doing the things he did behind my back.  When I found out I was shattered.  What's even worse is that I still want to talk to him.  Not to get back together, I just wish he would talk to me and explain why he did so many cruel things.  Everytime I've tried (I haven't tried for a very long time), he just ignored me.

He probably has no explanation anyway.  He's just a jerk.

[thisworld]

Rmbrworst hi,

You seem to have gone through so much recently, my heart goes out to you

The day after Christmas, after giving my exBPD very expensive presents, two of them having to do with traveling with him on New Years and in March, my exBPD discarded me completely randomly.  He was fine when we went to bed on Christmas, then he woke up the next day (8 hours later), say I was ruining his life,  that I "forced" him back into a relationship (no clue how the kid came up with that one . . . ) and that he should have never gotten back with me.

This sounds so familiar. I too am guilty of having forced my ex into things that I thought were mutual considerations and even into certain things that were proposed by him. So, BPD. Feelings=facts. My ex is unable to take responsibility for his actions or words, so he comes up with a lot of distorted views blaming everyone for any dissatisfaction he may have. Because his feelings change a lot, there are many statements like this in our brief relationship history. Basically, he writes history over and over.

After he left, I received a phone call from his "ex" boyfriend who was very upset with me, stating he was mad I was sleeping with and dating his boyfriend.  I explained to him that I had been told they were broken up the whole time.  The boyfriend then relaxed and said "It sounds like we've both been strung along for quite a long time."  I hung up the phone feeling so disgusted.  I felt sick, violated, I felt emotionally raped. 

This must have been so difficult, and probably the last thing you needed at that point.  How do you feel about it now?

 

As for focusing on work, I have done it before. But it turned into escapism at one point and my general dissatisfaction with life continued. So, I decided to focus less on work and face my issues. However, I didn't have goals like you. I just worked and worked like a robot with nothing else in the horizon. It was not fully healthy, but it was probably healthier and more beneficial than other things I could do. Still, if I was in the same situation today, I wouldn't have ignored healing the way I did. You are here on this website, so you have a healthier sense of what is good for you than I did. Do you have worries about exhaustion? Do you feel you spare some time for your wellness? After this last relationship, I couldn't work at all, I was too dizzy to do any work. I have to read and write in my work and I couldn't. I'm barely starting to do that now.

Some days I feel fine.  Other days I just think of all the things that happened and it makes me feel really bummed out.   I never wanted this to happen.  I never though my exBPD was doing the things he did behind my back.  When I found out I was shattered.  What's even worse is that I still want to talk to him.  Not to get back together, I just wish he would talk to me and explain why he did so many cruel things.  Everytime I've tried (I haven't tried for a very long time), he just ignored me.

He probably has no explanation anyway.  He's just a jerk.

I relate to this. I think most people here do - though I don't want to talk to my ex. We are in LC but sometimes write more - he writes to me excessively while arranging replacements. I sometimes respond more. This helped me to let go of any idea resembling closure. After lot of validation and S.E.T and some narcissistic supply, he now trusts me more and is friendlier to me (which is good because he is volatile and I'm scared. At one point, he saw me as his persecutor). And the more he speaks the clearer his cognitive distortions become. Things resembling closure are actually pretty hurtful. Like, he always leaves an open door but also blames me, guilts me or comes up with something so horrible about me that I wish to defend myself. But I don't do that because it leads nowhere other than a fight and a dysregulation. So, basically, there is nothing I can do but radically accept. And that's bearable only from a distance for me. This site, and understanding his pattern helps me get my own closure even though it's sad to discover that many things were not unique to us at all. If I received a fully lucid closure from him, I would suspect either manipulation or feel a stronger wish to try again - I think he senses this because he becomes more lucid for a while when he thinks he has completely lost me (but then reverts to his usual patterns). So, yes, so much for closure in my experience.

Stay strong    

[Rmbrworst]

Thanks for responding Thisworld.  

How do I feel now about the phone call I received?  I have so many mixed emotions.  Sometimes I'm happy it happened.  It explained SO MUCH.  Other times (and I hate to say this, because it's pathetic), I feel sad because my exBPD "chose" the other guy.  However that feeling is fleeting, because I know it's absolutely ridiculous to "compete" for someone, and if someone makes you "compete" (especially if they lie and manipulate), then they're not worth my time or my thought process.

I think the biggest thing for me has been "closure".  I feel so bad that I was discarded like this.  I feel poorly when I think his boyfriend took him back even after he found out my exBPD had been cheating on him for so long.  Why would they continue to be together when they cannot even trust each other?  That sounds like hell to me.

Overall I'm just sad because I really liked my exBPD boyfriend.  It totally boggles my mind that we could have spent so much quality time together and we have so many good fun memories (even as friends, we were friends for 1 year before we dated), and now it all  means nothing.  I cant text him and say "WOW remember when this happened?  It was so fun right?"  

Now it's just silence.

It just hurts.  It hurts because the man I thought he was, was just a facade.  It was all fake.

I have no clue how someone who says they "love" you, can do this.  It isn't love . . .

I was narcissistic supply.  It really hurts thinking that I have been used.  My mind still cannot comprehend it.  

I'm fine being single, I do not long to be with anybody and I do not long to get back with my exBPD.

I just sometimes get caught up in thinking how I really liked the exBPD I thought I knew and I'm very sad that it was all for nothing.  I worked so hard and I loved him and cared for him.  Sometimes I feel as if I will never find someone that I was as compatible with as my exBPD.  I am concerned that I will never have a relationship that was as fun as the one I had w/ my exBPD.

I just feel confused and bummed out today.

Thank you for talking to me.

[Rmbrworst]

Also, I've always wanted to share this here, but I've tried not to because my exBPD could then pinpoint me on this website, but I'm finding I no longer care.  What is he going to do about it? 

This is a text message he sent me the night before he discarded me.

"I’ve been amazed and confused by my attachment to you, how freely I’ve communicated with you, how easily I’ve trusted you, bared myself to you… That hasn’t happened before with anyone, I’ve never felt so safe and loved, so honest with someone, never felt something so healthy…

I never wanted to lose you. I’ve committed myself to being your lover, and you being mine. When we have sex I do truly feel like we make love, and it’s the most incredible feeling I’ve ever experienced. There’s no way I can accurately convey how hurt I feel thinking that I’ve lost that.

I hate thinking of looking for someone else, or you seeing someone else. I don’t want to ever be without you in my life.

I want you as my boyfriend. I'm dedicating myself to you because I'm in love with you "

. . .

12 hours later, he left me, and never spoke to me again.

I've repeated this message over and over in my mind absolutely heartbroken.  I have no clue how someone can say this . . and leave you.  I have no clue how someone can do this.  If I said these words to someone. . . I would never leave them in the dust like that.   It's so painful the things he's sad and done.  Why say this if you  never meant it?  Ridiculous.

[thisworld]

Ow, Rmbrworst, that must be a shock. First those words, and then the utter nothingness. The "discard." I'm so sorry that it happened in this very painful way.

I'm new to how BPD works and perhaps other members would comment on this, too. The first thing that comes to my find is the fear of engulfment though - this fear of losing one's self in a commitment. Do you know how it works? Most probably your boyfriend was genuine when he said this and was engulfed afterwards. This is part of the disorder and yes, it is difficult to accept.

In this link, Skip has a very clear explanation of it as well as other member's comments (I find FHTH's description helpful as well). I don't know if you would relate but here it is:  

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=281066.0

And here is something about how we experience abandonment:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=154676.0


Stay strong

[Tobiasfunke]

I work constantly. When I'm not I go workout. I try to keep busy as much as possible. On nights I don't have my boys I work in a bar. But even with all that things are always turning over in my head. At least I'm getting paid for it.