What am I really holding on to? Is it just the sex?

[bdyw8]

One eye opening thought is that we might be engaging in similar behaviors for similar reasons.  It's been enlightening for me to realize that we are often more similar to our exes than we might ever initially believe.  In chemistry we say like attracts like.

I agree, I think my exBPD gave me exactly what I was looking for which was intense validation from an external source.  Someone to make me feel like a good man, a good lover, etc.  Because I didn't feel those about myself.   I need to work on believing in those for myself so that I don't need to have someone else give it to me.  Then there can be healthy sharing of intimacy... .?

[JosephD]

Sex was fantastic. I didn't need the validation at the time, I just liked the rush. But later I realized it was all passion and heat and no affection. Slam bam thank you ma'm. Still awesome, but not love. Then I always had to initiate it.

[Lonely_Astro]

Sex was fantastic. I didn't need the validation at the time, I just liked the rush. But later I realized it was all passion and heat and no affection. Slam bam thank you ma'm. Still awesome, but not love. Then I always had to initiate it.

Mine had all 3 elements: passion, heat, and affection.  That was during the act.  As soon as it was done, no sitting around in the glow, she was up and dressed quickly.  Well, except once or twice that I can recall. She told me she didn't like to be naked (body issues... .though she had ZERO reason to dislike her body).

[woofbarkmeowbeep]

Would any of you suggest it to be a good idea I contact my ex pwBPD that I've been in NC with the last three weeks and ask if she wants to meet up to bang? I have only one week left in her country and after that I'm gone.

[tryingsome]

I doubt she will want to bang.

unless it is her idea.

[bdyw8]

Would any of you suggest it to be a good idea I contact my ex pwBPD that I've been in NC with the last three weeks and ask if she wants to meet up to bang? I have only one week left in her country and after that I'm gone.

Guess it's up to you really.  Everyone's situation is different so it's hard to say.  Go with your gut.  If it doesn't feel right maybe that's a sign.   Good luck!

[woofbarkmeowbeep]

I doubt she will want to bang.

unless it is her idea.

That is what I worry about. Like, If I asked her and she said no - I would be double crushed, esp given I've been so solid with my NC since we broke up... So I probably shouldn't risk it.

[cosmonaut]

Would any of you suggest it to be a good idea I contact my ex pwBPD that I've been in NC with the last three weeks and ask if she wants to meet up to bang? I have only one week left in her country and after that I'm gone.

Why don't we instead look at what's going on behind such an unhealthy idea?  What's going on inside you right now?

[woofbarkmeowbeep]

Would any of you suggest it to be a good idea I contact my ex pwBPD that I've been in NC with the last three weeks and ask if she wants to meet up to bang? I have only one week left in her country and after that I'm gone.

Why don't we instead look at what's going on behind such an unhealthy idea?  What's going on inside you right now?

I'm addicted to the sex-crack... It is the last thing I am holding on to... And given this is the last week I'll be in close proximity to her, I find myself really wanting to dive into it one last time... I know it's a bad idea... but... that is an addict for ya... just wanting that one... last... hit...

ah man

[Driver]

Would any of you suggest it to be a good idea I contact my ex pwBPD that I've been in NC with the last three weeks and ask if she wants to meet up to bang? I have only one week left in her country and after that I'm gone.

Why don't we instead look at what's going on behind such an unhealthy idea?  What's going on inside you right now?

I'm addicted to the sex-crack... It is the last thing I am holding on to... And given this is the last week I'll be in close proximity to her, I find myself really wanting to dive into it one last time... I know it's a bad idea... but... that is an addict for ya... just wanting that one... last... hit...

ah man

If she was emotionally a stable and responsible grown up who has no problems with consenting safe sex then I'd ask her. But given the fact that it is not the case, she might be unpredictable with her triggers and you might end up regretting having had it this one last time.

Think about it.


p.s. In my case, my exBPDgf contacted me explicitly telling me how she missed sex with me and how bad wanted (and still wants) to do it with me. But, the only problem is, I can't trust her any more.

[C.Stein]

I see a lot of lust being described in this thread and not much love.

[Driver]

I see a lot of lust being described in this thread and not much love.

Hence this thread where we're wondering whether our expwBPD loves/d us or whether they used us to fill in their gaps (no pun intended) and vice versa.

[bdyw8]

Agreed Driver.   In these toxic relationships, the lines get really skewed and blurry and that's why I questioned whether I really loved my exBPD or just loved how she made me feel (at times). 

I'm glad that I've kept NC.   I'm sure if I went crawling back and begged for sex, she might give in, but them I just handing all my power over to her again and like someone said, running the risk of being completely destroyed.  I've realized that my part in this whole toxic cycle was that I gave my power away to her.  I will NEVER do that again (knock on wood).  Take that one step farther and say that I never want to give my power away to anyone else again, but need to work on my own codependency in the meantime.

Woofbarkmeowbeep ---  I get it.  I'm a recovery drug addict and alcoholic so I understand the addictive nature.  As bad as I wanted one more binge in the beginning, I realized that every time I went back, it became harder and harder to walk away.  After 3 weeks, and then 3 months, it just kept getting easier, until alcohol and drugs no longer had a hold on me.  I feel like I'm going (ever so slowly) in the same direction with my exBPD and hope that the thoughts of great sex with her will be followed by an immediate and overwhelming thought of "don't be crazy, you know where that will lead... ."

Just as any small and infrequent fantasy I have about drugs or alcohol is quickly quashed by the rational thought of where it will lead me - to losing everything all over again, same thing that will happen if I "relapse" with my exBPD.

[C.Stein]

Hence this thread where we're wondering whether our expwBPD loves/d us or whether they used us to fill in their gaps (no pun intended) and vice versa.

The important part in bold!

[Driver]

Agreed Driver.   In these toxic relationships, the lines get really skewed and blurry and that's why I questioned whether I really loved my exBPD or just loved how she made me feel (at times). 

I'm glad that I've kept NC.   I'm sure if I went crawling back and begged for sex, she might give in, but them I just handing all my power over to her again and like someone said, running the risk of being completely destroyed.  I've realized that my part in this whole toxic cycle was that I gave my power away to her.  I will NEVER do that again (knock on wood).  Take that one step farther and say that I never want to give my power away to anyone else again, but need to work on my own codependency in the meantime.

Woofbarkmeowbeep ---  I get it.  I'm a recovery drug addict and alcoholic so I understand the addictive nature.  As bad as I wanted one more binge in the beginning, I realized that every time I went back, it became harder and harder to walk away.  After 3 weeks, and then 3 months, it just kept getting easier, until alcohol and drugs no longer had a hold on me.  I feel like I'm going (ever so slowly) in the same direction with my exBPD and hope that the thoughts of great sex with her will be followed by an immediate and overwhelming thought of "don't be crazy, you know where that will lead... ."

Just as any small and infrequent fantasy I have about drugs or alcohol is quickly quashed by the rational thought of where it will lead me - to losing everything all over again, same thing that will happen if I "relapse" with my exBPD.

I salute all your efforts sir! You truly are a knight.

[Driver]

Hence this thread where we're wondering whether our expwBPD loves/d us or whether they used us to fill in their gaps (no pun intended) and vice versa.

The important part in bold!

Well, yes. We genuinely ask ourselves what the hell happened to us.

[cosmonaut]

I'm a recovery drug addict and alcoholic so I understand the addictive nature.

Congratulations on your sobriety.  That's a huge accomplishment and one you can be very proud about.   

Well, yes. We genuinely ask ourselves what the hell happened to us.

I think C.Stein has an important point.  We engaged in a relationship;  it wasn't forced upon us.  Nothing "happened" to us.  We participated.  What are these dynamics we chose to engage in and why did we do so?  Specifically on the topic of this thread:  why was sex so unusually important?  There's a reason for that and it's inside of us.   

[C.Stein]

Specifically on the topic of this thread:  why was sex so unusually important?  There's a reason for that and it's inside of us.   

Yes indeed and with regard to detaching and our own personal growth the importance of seeing the difference between lust and love.

[bdyw8]

Thanks guys, I'm choosing to look at the recovery from my exBPD much like my recovery from booze and drugs.  I don't think I will ever get to a place where I don't have the odd fantasy from time to time, but what has happened over time is that those get fewer and farther between and they don't control me the way they used to.

Right now thoughts of my ex (especially the sex) do still control me to an extent but I can feel them lessening with time.  I guess my analogy to the drugs and alcohol is that so long as I'm actively doing work to recovery and grow as a person, both mentally, emotionally and spiritually, I will be relieved of these obsessions.

C.Stein ---  I agree with you.  I have to work on my recovery as a person (codependent, etc.) so that I don't fall into the same traps.  To be honest, sex wasn't that important to me going into the relationship, but my exBPD filled a void in me with sex and physical intimacy... .  Now I have to find healthy ways to fill that void so I'm not relying on people or physical acts such as sex (or booze, drugs, whatever).

[cosmonaut]

my exBPD filled a void in me with sex and physical intimacy... .  Now I have to find healthy ways to fill that void so I'm not relying on people or physical acts such as sex (or booze, drugs, whatever).

This is a fantastic insight, bdyw8.  For many of us here, there are deep core wounds that this relationship soothed - at least temporarily.  Just as we were soothing deep core wounds in our ex.  As I said earlier: like attracts like.  And the loss of this is not only the loss of someone we love, but the loss of this soothing.  Now we are left all alone again with that terrible pain.  In healing, our goal is find and repair that core wound, and in doing so free ourselves from it.   

[Driver]

I think C.Stein has an important point.  We engaged in a relationship;  it wasn't forced upon us.  Nothing "happened" to us.  We participated.  What are these dynamics we chose to engage in and why did we do so?  Specifically on the topic of this thread:  why was sex so unusually important?  There's a reason for that and it's inside of us.   

Nothing happened to us? Yet here we are. When I said "what happened to us" I meant more introspectively. i never blamed our exBPDgf/bf for the relationship.

Why is sex so unusually important? Because for many of us although sex is important, nobody really claimed that the r/s depended on it. Sex in our r/s with our exBPDgf/bf gradually became important. As a matter of fact, for most of us I suppose sex was so amazing that it overshadowed the whole relationship, although initially we were not looking for it.

As much as sex is important to each relationship, sex we experienced (for many of us I guess) with our exBPDgf/bf was unforgettable to such a point that it had become addictive.

So here we are now, asking ourselves, whether out of everything it's not the sex we had that we have the most difficulties to detach ourselves from?

I don't think we should mix up people looking for sex only and peole who have by chance experienced such a great sex that it gets difficult to find it back with another partner. It's like tasting something you've neevr tasted before and then all of sudden they tell you "no more and deal with it".