Being told to make a choice

[placebicstar]

Okay so, recently my best friend and my partner both stopped talking to each other and ended their friendship. However, lucky me I got caught in the middle like a whirlwind. They both want me to choose between them, and I'd rather just keep them both and not lose anybody. They both have BPD, my partner doesnt have control of their emotions as well though.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Turkish]

Tough situation, to be dragged into the middle of a drama triangle.

Years ago, one of my buddies asked me, "if you had to choose between me and [our other friend], who would you choose?" Without missing a beat, I replied, "if you guys forced me to make that choice, I'd drop both of you." All of us had mentally ill and abandoning mothers, though different stories, but none of us were PD'd, despite our issues. 25 years later, we're all still friends, though my friend who asked this question may be the most damaged of us, never having had a stable romantic r/s beyond a year.

It's of course more complicated given your romantic attachment, and likely can't be addressed by something like my off the cuff comment. However, you have a right to be friends with whoever you want to be friends with, don't you? What is your boundary here, aligned with you core values?

I've found that sacrificing my core values only lead to resentment on my part, with respect to my romantic r/s. Enter dysfunctiin and drama which I often tried, but failed, to fix. I could lose every single person in my life whom I love, and though in pain, I would still be me. If I were to sacrifice my core values, I would lose who I am.

[placebicstar]

I have told them both straight up that they cannot make me choose. I can relate to your story though, we're all mentally ill, however my partner and I have more damaging homes than my best friend. I absolutely have the right to be friends with who i want to be friends with, I just know they're both important to me and my life, and i'd like to keep them both.

I'm a person who just values having a good friend and a good partner and despite the issues at hand as of late, they've both been good to me.

[Turkish]

What did each say in response?

[placebicstar]

My friend backed off, understanding I felt upset and told me to do what i have to do, just be careful. My partner is still caught in a mood swing so they're very much trying to sway me to them.

[Turkish]

My friend backed off, understanding I felt upset and told me to do what i have to do, just be careful. My partner is still caught in a mood swing so they're very much trying to sway me to them.

What did your friend tell you that you have to do? Do you feel ok with it?

[placebicstar]

They just said follow what my heart and gut is saying. I figure they know what I know what to do but honestly I don't quite know haha.

[placebicstar]

An update on the situation. For now it seems the monkeys sorted their circus, and things have settled... .hoping it stays settled for a bit. 

[Turkish]

An update on the situation. For now it seems the monkeys sorted their circus, and things have settled... .hoping it stays settled for a bit.  

Being dragged into drama is certainly frustrating. Have you heard of Triangulation? Perhaps this can help you sort out what went on at least for the future. When a 3rd party enters the drama triangle, it becomes even more complcated. Congratulations on stepping ot of the drama and letting them work it out.  Click on the quote to see the whole workshop:

This purpose of this workshop is to discuss the dynamics of difficult family and partner relationships and how we become caught up in them.

The Karpman  Triangle, described by Stephen Karpman and elaborated by many others, is a very useful tool for understanding "stuck" relationship dynamics. The idea is that we often find ourselves playing out scripts. These roles feel safe, as they are familiar; we slip into as comfortable as we sink into the us-shaped indent in our own beds. But they are very limiting. They keep us trapped.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

An update on the situation. For now it seems the monkeys sorted their circus, and things have settled... .hoping it stays settled for a bit.  

Hi Placebicstar, just checking in. I see the situation has more or less sorted itself  

[Caley]

You could just be very open and honest and say ...

It has upset you that they have decided not to be friends. That you value both of them as friends equally and want to support them both through these difficult times. It would be hard for you to talk about their situation with each other and you would want to focus on your relationship with them individually. You respect their decision not be friends but you're not the type of person to interfere or takes sides.

Sticky one isn't it?