Understanding a borderline Mother as a child .

[Peta87]

Today I finished off a book called understanding the borderline Mother. The book said children of boarder line cannot understand themselves without first Understanding their mother's. I want to understand when I was a child, why I went through so much pain,grief, anger and abandonment from you Mum. Why didn't you think about my feelings and how it will hurt me and affect me when you behaving bad , it's like my sisters and I weren't important enough to you when you drank your life away, we didn't matter when you go out all night and we have to climbed through the windows  to get in the house when we came home from school. I remember looking out at the window  every minute to see if you were coming home and in my mind I was thinking what if you didn't come back. I prepared myself for the worst with you Mum.

This little young girl only 4 year old age experienced the first feeling of worrying when you forgot to pick me up from preschool and I remembered looking at the preschool window crying and wondering if you will ever pick me up. I also remember when I first got taken away from you when I was just a toddler , those people picked me up from my cot and I was separated from you for 6 months and that separateness continue every year my childhood with you and I hated it, specially when you send me away with multiple babysitters during the week, I hated going to respite care on the weekends and I hated when I always be sent away with multiple family members for months and months when you away in a mental health hospital. I hated when I have to say goodbye to you at the end of seeing you in that place.i remembered always crying when I left you because I miss you and I didn't want you to be alone.

The child Peta was grieving so badly for her to have a mum that always there for her, that wouldn't cause her pain at the time you were at home. She was never angry at you, she only want you to be a happy Mum and she never wanted you to feel alone or feeling pain. She felt so helpless when you drank heaps and she heaps , she felt helpless when you cut your wrists and seeing your stitches on your wrists,she felt helpless watching you take drugs , she felt helpless watching you use yourself having sex with different men, she felt helpless watching you steal when we go shopping, she felt helpless watching you the bad side effects of a bad overdose, she felt helpless watching you fight with Dad.

When I looked back what I been through, no child shouldn't go through that. Mum you put my sisters and I through hell by your behaviour. The only thing that the child Peta want to do is try to help you and make you happy. But she didn't know how to help you it was out of her control. All she can do is always be there for you and some how she got the strength to never leave your side at your worst, when the rest of the  family didn't have the strength to be there for you. The young Peta put her grief, anger, and fear for you behind, so she can have a chance to love you, to be with you under any circumstances and you can have the opportunity how much the child Peta love you even know how much pain you gave her. The love of a daughter to her mother took over.  

[rarsweet]

I am almost speechless. I can't find the words to properly reply to this just now, I just want to give you a hug, amazing that you wrote this.

[Turkish]

I am almost speechless. I can't find the words to properly reply to this just now, I just want to give you a hug, amazing that you wrote this.

I agree.

Peta87,

This is a brutally honest (and beautiful in its own way) message to your mother. Where are you  at now, and where do you go from here?

T.

[Peta87]

I am almost speechless. I can't find the words to properly reply to this just now, I just want to give you a hug, amazing that you wrote this.

I agree.

Peta87,

This is a brutally honest (and beautiful in its own way) message to your mother. Where are you  at now, and where do you go from here?

T.

Hi T unfortunately my mother Passaway when I was 16 year old. I'm now 28 year old married and I worked at a group home for people with disabilities. I wrote this when I was really missing her and I was very confused what had happened to my childhood .