Talk of love and missing me leaves me sad...

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I talked to my stbx today concerning taxes. We thought we would try and file together since the tax is so much higher for single people than married ( not right!) turned out he didn't pay enough in and we both made more money putting us in a higher tax bracket - ironically next year he will be in a much lower bracket due to his demotion at work. So we may as well file seperate since he owes so much. But this morning when we talked he said he hated talking to me and hearing my voice because it reminded him of how much he missed me and that he knew we would both always love each other. He even started crying... .He wasn't feeling well, he had bronchitis. I told him I felt bad for him being sick but then I started crying! I said I thought you were happy in your new life- he said well, he had moved on. I said well, you were supposed to date while separated which means a movie or dinner! Not sleep with, get pregnant and move in with! I said you do realize we are still married? He said yes. I said I had to go. He called me right back and told me he was sorry for making me cry... So I have been sad the whole rest of the day. What is all of this talk of always loving each other and missing me? Is this a question or is he telling me he's not totally happy? I would love to think that, but I just feel like I fed his ego with my crying... .I'm a mess.

[Herodias]

I talked to my stbx today concerning taxes. We thought we would try and file together since the tax is so much higher for single people than married ( not right!) turned out he didn't pay enough in and we both made more money putting us in a higher tax bracket - ironically next year he will be in a much lower bracket due to his demotion at work. So we may as well file seperate since he owes so much. But this morning when we talked he said he hated talking to me and hearing my voice because it reminded him of how much he missed me and that he knew we would both always love each other. He even started crying... .He wasn't feeling well, he had bronchitis. I told him I felt bad for him being sick but then I started crying! I said I thought you were happy in your new life- he said well, he had moved on. I said well, you were supposed to date while separated which means a movie or dinner! Not sleep with, get pregnant and move in with! I said you do realize we are still married? He said yes. I said I had to go. He called me right back and told me he was sorry for making me cry... So I have been sad the whole rest of the day. What is all of this talk of always loving each other and missing me? Is this a question or is he telling me he's not totally happy? I would love to think that, but I just feel like I fed his ego with my crying... .I'm a mess.

[Infern0]

I talked to my stbx today concerning taxes. We thought we would try and file together since the tax is so much higher for single people than married ( not right!) turned out he didn't pay enough in and we both made more money putting us in a higher tax bracket - ironically next year he will be in a much lower bracket due to his demotion at work. So we may as well file seperate since he owes so much. But this morning when we talked he said he hated talking to me and hearing my voice because it reminded him of how much he missed me and that he knew we would both always love each other. He even started crying... .He wasn't feeling well, he had bronchitis. I told him I felt bad for him being sick but then I started crying! I said I thought you were happy in your new life- he said well, he had moved on. I said well, you were supposed to date while separated which means a movie or dinner! Not sleep with, get pregnant and move in with! I said you do realize we are still married? He said yes. I said I had to go. He called me right back and told me he was sorry for making me cry... So I have been sad the whole rest of the day. What is all of this talk of always loving each other and missing me? Is this a question or is he telling me he's not totally happy? I would love to think that, but I just feel like I fed his ego with my crying... .I'm a mess.

I've had similar behaviour from mine in the past, I was not married to her, however after she replaced me she called me and said she missed me and that she "wasn't happy" etc. (multiple times) I do think she meant it, but if I asked her if she was willing to take any action (i.e leave the replacement and we could try again) the answer was always no, in a roundabout way.

He probably does mean what he said, in that he feels those emotions, but it doesn't mean he'll take action on it.

One thing that helped me with dealing with her towards the end was to validate actions rather than words, your ex has options, he has choices, he COULD leave the replacement and come to you and ask for another chance, he COULD, it is an option avaliable to him. Instead he'll take the "helpless" routine, like he's upset but has no way of doing anything about it, which simply isn't true.

[steelwork]

I'm sorry you're sad, Herodias. I'll sit next to you and we can be sad together.

[peace74]

Sorry you are having such a sad time  

I know how this feels.  My husband and I have been separated 2 yrs. in March.  We "dated" much of the first year and he actually moved back home over last summer for 4 months.  Then he left again.  He moved out the end of June and told me the end of September that he loved and missed me, wanted to make it work if I was willing and agreed to go to counseling which was one of my conditions.  By this time I knew the patterns, wasn't in the FOG anymore and knew he would probably change his mind, which he did.  Anyway then a month and a half later he was dating a girl.  That's a whole different kind of hurt.  Well other than the initial shock of it and telling him what I thought, I stopped talking to him except if it had to deal with our son.  Then the other day when it was obvious I was having a bad day he told me he still loved me and cared about me whether we were together or not.  He told me he knew I was in the hard position I'm in and struggling financially because of him.  He said he wished things could be different.  This is the first time I didn't tell him I loved him too and didn't start crying.  I said well live and learn.  This hurt and made me so sad though.  I don't doubt that he meant what he said but his version of love and mine are two different things.  I don't think things went as planned with the girl he started dating.  I feel that when he does have these moments where he reaches out to me it is because he happens to be missing me in that moment but his feelings change like the wind or he goes into denial or stays frantically busy or won't be alone to avoid feeling empty or dealing with how he feels.  The bottom line is my heart hurts cause I wish I could hear him say I love you and it be followed up with true loving actions.  I wish that when he says he wishes things would have turned out different that he would have done what he needed to do to make them turn out different.  It just doesn't get me anywhere to let myself feel love for him.   It used to make me happy to hear him say things like this cause it gave me hope that our marriage could work.  Now it just brings such a deep sadness cause I wish we could be together but we can't.  I can't separate the good from the bad and have one without the other and the bad prevents us from being able to have a marriage.

I do think they have moments of clarity and have moments of regret.  I just don't think they can or choose not to hold onto that feeling long enough to do anything about it or it's too late to do anything about it.  :)on't feel bad about showing emotion.  We are all human.  It has taken so much practice and will power to not show my emotions to him.  It just makes me feel worse when I do.  I don't think he deserves it.  He rarely shows emotion to me always monotone, acting like it's all perfectly normal and everything is just fine. And even though I know he sometimes genuinely means the things he says he has also said things just to test where I stood.  I guess to see if I'm still there in case he needs me but I can't live like that.

[hopealways]

I feel for you. You are in a tough situation due to the divorce. This stresses how important NC is. Or as little contact as possible under your circumstances. I also believe my tears/sadness fed her ego. Oh well. What to do. There is no solving these problems, just moving forward and maintaining is the best course.

[vortex of confusion]

 

I think it is normal to feel sad. I know that I used to feel sad when my stbx would say stuff like that. It left me feeling hurt and confused. I would ask myself stuff like, "If he loves me so much, why couldn't he do what it takes to make things work?" Now, it doesn't make me sad. It just annoys me.

He was gone for 24 hours a couple of weeks ago. When he got back, he said that he missed me and the kids. In the same conversation, he had to tell me about his lady friends and his plans for dates with the various ladies. How does that even work? How did he have time to miss me if he was busy texting his lady friend while he was away?

[Herodias]

Thank you all... .I think mine feels like he is stuck with this pregnant mistress. I think he has convinced himself that we have too much in our past that has happened and it's not fixable. I think he misses what I provide for him. I don't know if he would ever say that he made a mistake. I think he will need to see how he likes having a baby first. I feel sad because we lost ours, but everyone tells me it was a blessing to not have a child with him. No one understands how I feel. Not even me! He thinks he has more in common with her... .Maybe true, but I can see how he feels tricked because she has told him everything he wants to hear and now it's all different. He said I did that too, the only thing I did was quit drinking with him... .He was too out of control at times. I wish he would have chosen to get help for himself- so sad. I know he wants to try and be a good Dad he said, but he didn't want kids he has always told his Mother and I. He didn't want to pass on what is wrong with him, he said. I guess we will find out how it goes.

[Driver]

I know how you feel. My exBPDgf told me the same. She even said she was ready to leave her bf (now exbf) to get back with me. It's hurting. We must try to be as strong as possible to overcome this situation.

Sometimes jokingly I say to myself in 100 years we'll all be dead and no one will give a damn about any of this nor will anyone remember any of this. So why bother. I know, more easily said than done.

[Confused108]

Blue I am so sorry you are going through this. ehen I start missing my ex I remember all the crap she pulled on me. The hurtful words she said to me etc. That makes me not miss her anymore. Don't get me wrong I have my days too. Sometimes I find myself going backwards instead of forwards. But once I start to remember what she did. And is probably doing to the next guy and the next  makes me furious. That is what helps me. I k ow you love him. I will admit I still love my ex too. Probably always will. But Love is not supposed to hurt. The sooner you are divorced the better. Don't look back! You are better then this. One day you will find a man who is worthy of your love. And you will Live and Love again.