New boundaries seem to cause more trouble

[Vet06]

After many years, psychologist has helped me grasp what is going on. I'm setting up some emotional boundaries. Guilt trips my wife would take me on easily, not so easy anymore. She doesn't like it. Screams at me more about divorce which never happens. I cant change her, but after three decades, maybe I'm starting to learn. Our lives will never be normal but maybe better, maybe less abnormal?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Vet06.



I suspect that your experience that your wife doesn't like your boundaries is shared with many here. You might like to read about extinction bursts, which will explain this phenomenon better:

https://bpdfamily.org/2010/10/partner-have-borderline-personality.html


And, would you like to tell us a little more about your lives together, we'd love to hear... .

Lifewriter x

[sweetheart]

Hello Vet06,

Really glad you found us. Really positive that you working with a psychologist on setting boundaries to protect yourself from your wife's dysregulated behaviour.  Living with all aspects of BPD can be very difficult and emotionally overwhelming. Sounds like you have been together for a while.

As you have found your w will rail against your boundaries and in the short term her dysregulated behaviours will increase. I see Lifewriter16 has given you a link on Extinction bursts which will explain in detail what is happening.

Here on this board with support, advice and coaching from many members who can share your experience it is possible to improve things for you. My life and my relationship has improved and my h's behaviour for the most part is stable, but it took a while to get to this point. Coming here helped me focus on looking after myself and increased my understand about this illness.

We look forward to hearing more from you, let us know how you are getting on.

[waverider]

Your major aim is to reduce conflict and become more in tune with each other.

As the others have pointed out any attempt to change the status que will initially result in more conflict, at least initially. It is important therefore to pick your changes sparingly, and carefully, as above all else you have to believe enough in them to be consistent in the face of intense pressure to back down.

It is a slow evolving process, but we have to start somewhere, and that can only be in our own attitudes as we only have control over that

waverider

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi Vet06,  Welcome!  

I understand totally what you are saying.  I have been with my uBPDh for decades, as well.  I could not figure out why our relationship was so tumultous.  But, understanding what is under a lot of the confusing behavior and my reactions to it has caused me to see it from a different perspective.  I had no idea how to set up boundaries, but desparately needed to.  Slowly, slowly things are getting better.  

Particularly, seeing my part in the dysfunction has allowed me to change myself in positive ways.  Not in order to change my spouse, but to make my life better.  I am seeing that making these changes has made our life together better also.

There are a lot of books out there, but two made a difference for me.  One was Stop Caretaking the Border Line  or Narcisist in Your Life, End the Drama and Get on with Life by Margalis Fjelstad (this was life changing for me) and next Boundaries by Dr. henry Cloud and Dr. john Townsend.  

Reading and posting here has helped me get through some bad days, I hope it will be helpful to you, as well.