Hello

[Narkiss]

I am in a romantic relationship with someone with BPD, and it is causing me tremendous pain. Too much pain. So many problems. So much chaos in his life. I am losing myself and putting my life on hold. We separated for a while and now are back together -- sort of. Every time I try to end the relationship, I feel even more pain and start hoping it could work out. When I met him, he told me that he was separated from his wife for years (they live in different states), and that they would divorce after some property matters are taken care of. All that may be true, but they are not as separated as he led me to believe and seem to be enmeshed. On top of the BPD, this is incredibly hurtful, but i seem to keep throwing myself on the electric fence.

I have an NPD mother, so the drama feels familiar as is the triangulation.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[sweetheart]

Welcome to bpdfamily Narkiss, it's great that you found us.

I'm sorry you're in so much pain and I can hear how difficult your life is at the moment. It must be very confusing wanting to be with someone, who is still enmeshed in his previous relationship. That's tough. It sounds like you and he have been back and forth within your relationship and I understand how this can take its toll on you emotionally. 

Living with BPD is hard, you will already know something of I suspect from having a mother who has NPD. You mention your familiarity with some of the dynamics that have arisen for you, increased drama and triangulation. Having an understanding of what this illness can mean to a relationship can help on both a practical and emotional level.

You are posting on the Improving board, here you will meet people at various stages of their relationships all supporting and learning together, working at improving their lives. I hope we can help you find ways to protect yourself from that 'electric fence.'

What does your support network look like do you have a T?

Does your SO have an understanding about BPD, is he diagnosed?

I have included a link on Mindfulness because it sounds like trying to clear a bit of space for yourself might be a good place to start

Triggering and Mindfulness and Wise Mind

Keep posting. We are always here.

[Inquisitive1]

Narkiss, based on your post, I'm not sure if you want to stay with your BPD significant other (SO) or not. Maybe you're not sure either.

Based on your post, my immediate reaction is that maybe you should let this guy go and move your life in another direction. Life with a BPD partner is very difficult and the one you describe seems to have baggage in the form of a not-quite-X-wife. This community will support whatever decision you make.

Which ever way you go, I suggest you do some reading here on setting boundaries and work hard in that area. It's a good place to start.

[Narkiss]

Yes, I have a T, who thinks I should end it. Actually this relationship drove me into therapy and on anti-depressants. I honestly don't know if he was ever diagnosed. I believe he has been, and I think he knows that I know. We've talked around it without mentioning BPD explicitly.

I deeply love and care about him. It has been long-distance from the start. He has broken too many promises and commitments. He has said too that I don't know if he really means -- except in the moment perhaps.

There are so many impediments to it ever working out. When one problem goes away, another pops up. He and his wife dive in and rescue each other (which just winds up causing more chaos). He has had excuse after excuse why he goes and visits her and these excuses have worn thin. I told him last night that this is incredibly painful to me (which he acknowledged) and that he is not as separated as I thought (which he also acknowledged). I told him that I don't know what their relationship is or what she means to him or really what will happen in the future. He told me what he has told me before. After they sort out the property issues they will get divorced (I know she doesn't want to). And I wonder if they will. She is pretty dysfunctional, but he accepts it. And he can be pretty dysfunctional and she accepts it also.

Where this leaves me, I don't know. When we hung up, he told me he loves me. I hardly slept last night. I think he does feel love and affection for me. But increasingly I feel on my guard, and I know he picks that up. Can this work out? Ever?

[Inquisitive1]

The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior---he's unlikely to change much if at all.

The more you post, the more I think breaking it off is the way to go for you. It'll hurt in short-term, but long-term I think you'll be happier. Of course, I'll respect whatever decision you make.

[Turkish]

Apart from the wife issue, what kind of behaviors does he exhibit which lead you to think that he has BPD?

[Narkiss]

Lots of chaos in his life. Terrible rages at people whom he feels wronged him or just offended him by their very being (he never was verbally abusive to me, just cold and disengaged). Intense feelings that change rapidly. Parents who ignored him. Instability and impulsivity. Feelings of emptiness. Disordered thinking when stressed. He is easily triggered. He has acknowledged a lot of the criteria without talking about BPD specifically. He self-sabotages in his relationships, job, etc. I have also seen him disassociate. He may cut (kind of hinted about that once). Intense need for intimacy and then does the push/pull thing. He has also done the idealization/devaluation thing probably more times than I realized. He said I accepted him.

[Turkish]

When he said that, did you feel that it was a real observation, or that he was telling you how to feel?

We can point you to the lessons to the right of the board, which can certainly help you within your relationship. He not letting go of his marriage, however, is certainly painful. Take a look at Lesson 3. There are tools there which can help you communicate better, but you also have a right to assert boundaries, centered around your core values.

[Narkiss]

That's an interesting question. I did accept him. I accepted the mood swings, the dysfunction at work, the terrible things he told me about his childhood, sexual issues, even his potential for violence (I never saw him act on it) -- until it really began affecting me. What I cannot accept is the wife, the way he dropped me in one of the most hurtful ways possible, how he swings back and forth from total love of me to estrangement, and how I can't express a need to him. So, I guess, no, I don't.

I don't actually know if he really loves me and wants to be with me. I know he feels it sometime, but I don't know (or rather doubt) that it is lasting. I always have felt that one day I will just never hear from him again. is this common or do other people with BPD SO feel more stability and permanence?