I picked it up

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I should also add that the renaming of this board was very helpful to me: to think about making a commitment to improving my relationship. I am very unhappy my partner is still married however when reframed as "not ready to leave, not committed to improving the relationship", it is clear to me that I need to find a way to commit myself to improving the relationship. I had a big problem with my partner on Monday that was separate from the delay in his divorce, and it has to do with his inability to communicate bad news to me. If I'm able to find it within myself to start thinking like someone on the staying board then I will post about it over there.

[unicorn2014]

I should also add that the renaming of this board was very helpful to me: to think about making a commitment to improving my relationship. I am very unhappy my partner is still married however when reframed as "not ready to leave, not committed to improving the relationship", it is clear to me that I need to find a way to commit myself to improving the relationship. I had a big problem with my partner on Monday that was separate from the delay in his divorce, and it has to do with his inability to communicate bad news to me. If I'm able to find it within myself to start thinking like someone on the staying board then I will post about it over there.

[Grey Kitty]

This struck me... .

I wish I had the audacity to tell him I'm good with not talking for awhile.

Can you imagine feeling safe saying that?

What are you afraid of?

[unicorn2014]

This struck me... .

I wish I had the audacity to tell him I'm good with not talking for awhile.

Can you imagine feeling safe saying that?

What are you afraid of?

I'm not afraid. In order to feel safe my own neurotransmitters need to be in balance. I'm having problems with sleep. I will send you a private message.

I was more saying that I wish I had the balls to say to my partner I'm good with not talking to to you for a while.

Let me share a little anecdote.

This morning my daughter was being snarky to my partner about being late for school and he told her "right back atcha". Her response? She spilled the beans. If that had been me I would've hung up on him. Its my wiring. I hate being told "right back at you sister", that really pisses me off. Today my partner and I can laugh about that. Its funny, his wife told me that same thing one time when we got in a fight, so I don't know who taught who that phrase. Did he teach his wife that phrase or did she teach him that phrase? His wife's a narcissistic alcoholic and he's borderline, I don't know which is worse.

[Grey Kitty]

I wish I had the audacity to tell him I'm good with not talking for awhile.

Can you imagine feeling safe saying that?

What are you afraid of?

I'm not afraid. In order to feel safe my own neurotransmitters need to be in balance. I'm having problems with sleep. I will send you a private message.

I was more saying that I wish I had the balls to say to my partner I'm good with not talking to to you for a while.

Perhaps we talked across each other a bit on this exchange... .to me, "not having the balls to X" and "being afraid to X" are pretty much the same thing.

And that is what I was asking you about... .imagine being the person who WOULD say that.

Can you speak more to what is holding you back from saying exactly that?

[unicorn2014]

I wish I had the audacity to tell him I'm good with not talking for awhile.

Can you imagine feeling safe saying that?

What are you afraid of?

I'm not afraid. In order to feel safe my own neurotransmitters need to be in balance. I'm having problems with sleep. I will send you a private message.

I was more saying that I wish I had the balls to say to my partner I'm good with not talking to to you for a while.

Perhaps we talked across each other a bit on this exchange... .to me, "not having the balls to X" and "being afraid to X" are pretty much the same thing.

And that is what I was asking you about... .imagine being the person who WOULD say that.

Can you speak more to what is holding you back from saying exactly that?

Oh I'm not afraid, I don't want to get in a fight because when I fight I'm nasty. My partner didn't really mean it. What I was saying is I wish I had the immaturity he did but I don't. I think what I am saying is I am tired of being the emotional leader. I am burnt out on always being the one who has to rise above it all. Sometimes I want to take my gloves off. I mean look at the title of this thread, I picked it up, that meant the gauntlet.

Some guy tried to pick a fight with me after a meeting this week and today I asked the other guys about it and it turned out I did nothing wrong, this other guy was just being contrary. I don't do well with that. My father was a narcissist so when a narcissist rears his ugly head I don't do well.

[Grey Kitty]

Oh I'm not afraid, I don't want to get in a fight because when I fight I'm nasty. My partner didn't really mean it. What I was saying is I wish I had the immaturity he did but I don't. I think what I am saying is I am tired of being the emotional leader. I am burnt out on always being the one who has to rise above it all. Sometimes I want to take my gloves off. I mean look at the title of this thread, I picked it up, that meant the gauntlet.

Yeah, being the leader is exhausting.

And when you are ready for more (likely exhausting) personal work, there is trying to stand up for yourself, without turning it into a fight. Given how your partner reacts, I'm sure that will be exhausting.

[unicorn2014]

I'm ready now. What would that look like?