Why the physical abuse?

[SSinNYC]

Can someone help me understand... .

I have been explained by a few professionals how an abuser’s brain works and why my sick ex did what he did. Just explaining a few of his characteristics and actions they immediately diagnosed him as a sociopath which makes a lot sense considering what my ex has done to me with no remorse for his actions.He has all the typical characteristics of an abuser: Constant lying, blame shifting, Isolation, minimizing and playing victim,self-glorification and most importantly he believes he is above all rules.All this should make it easier for me to understand but I still have a hard time understanding a few things. There was a lot of gas lighting with him. It was always “something I did wrong” or my “mental illness” that made him react by using aggression. It was never him. Everything was my fault that is why he reacted as he did, He was also very proud of his actions to the point that believes he is the winner in all this and even is looking for fans to support his behavior/abuse.

Many professionals have helped me break down his behavior and understand that his disease wasn't curable and that I am so so so lucky to get out when I did otherwise I would have not gotten out alive. However his physical abuse has had many negative effects in my life that I am trying to work on.I have been told that it's a waste of time to try to understand how an abuser's mind works but I just like to process it a little better.

What I don’t understand and would like to know more is that why couldn’t his abuse stop at verbal abuse? why go as far as the physical abuse? and not just for a short period,but for many hours and with full force?

I was verbally abused over and over by being called many things my by my abuser like “Stupid, “ Whore” “Piece of garbage” “Waste of life”, “45 dollar an hour piece of ___” ,“Pshyco” and many other things but what I don’t understand is why couldn’t the abuse stop at the verbal part. Why the  physical abuse? Was the physical abuse that was over and over for many hours on many occasions necessary? And each time he said it would be the last time it would only got worse the next time?

Do sociopaths/abusers feel like their victims have no emotions and deserve to be physically hurt so they can learn a lesson for what they did wrong?  Do they really not realized how this affects their victims? Do they believe that abuse is the only way to deal with their problems ? Why the denial ? What in the world can have happened to them as a child that they believe violence is their only solution? How long do they think they can get away with it ? and for how long do they think they can get away with it?

[November_Rain]

I have often wondered the same thing, and for a long time I blamed myself every time he hit me. He sometimes was even able to convince me it never happened in the very beginning. He never once took responsibility for his actions and always used something that I had done as his reason why things had gotten so bad. He would tell me how everyone else could see how crazy I was. It really does change who you are as a person to be involved with a BPD. I am now working on rebuilding my self esteem, self worth, trust, and many other things that were lost due to this relationship. In time, I'll get there, and hopefully be a stronger person because of this experience. Hopefully you will too

[Mr. Magnet]

Because they are monsters

[fromheeltoheal]

I'm sorry you went through that NYC, it sounds very painful, and congratulations for finding your way here.  That sounds like someone you really need to get away from; is it over?

Sociopaths and borderlines are different, different pathologies and motivations, but the behaviors can overlap.  Borderlines feel emotions intensely and have trouble regulating them, so that results in impulsive behavior, projection, and abuse, having in common a desire to make the bad feelings just go away; if he can project all the sht he feels about himself on you, so you're the bad one, and beat the bad one up, his bad feelings go away, at least for a while, until he feels the shame on top of that, which a borderline will intensely, a sociopath not so much, then time to repeat the cycle.

I hope you're free of that, and maybe the largest challenge moving forward, detaching and healing is to look deeply into why you stayed, not to imply any victim blaming, just a fertile area of growth for you most likely.  Take care of you!

[SSinNYC]

Insert Quote

I'm sorry you went through that NYC, it sounds very painful, and congratulations for finding your way here.  That sounds like someone you really need to get away from; is it over?

Sociopaths and borderlines are different, different pathologies and motivations, but the behaviors can overlap.  Borderlines feel emotions intensely and have trouble regulating them, so that results in impulsive behavior, projection, and abuse, having in common a desire to make the bad feelings just go away; if he can project all the sht he feels about himself on you, so you're the bad one, and beat the bad one up, his bad feelings go away, at least for a while, until he feels the shame on top of that, which a borderline will intensely, a sociopath not so much, then time to repeat the cycle.

I hope you're free of that, and maybe the largest challenge moving forward, detaching and healing is to look deeply into why you stayed, not to imply any victim blaming, just a fertile area of growth for you most likely.  Take care of you!

Yes thank god it's finally over.

Yes a cycle for sure. He def was a sociopath because there was no shame after the abuse.More of celebration than anything.The night after he beat me up for hours he went to a "cool bar" with his friend and a week later on vacation to have sex with some minor from a third world country. Nothing a normal person would do.

It's def a toxic cycle that I tried to get out of many times but was drawn back into with his lies and fake promises.So the problem was with me as well otherwise I wouldn't have gone back to an abuser. I am not without problems myself but my problems or even "mental disorders" seem soo small compared to his issues and life. He will continue to live his miserable life and keep abusing some other poor victim. "His wife is in middle school now " so he will probably get away with it then too.

As for me I am trying to build my trust again with other men and in life in general.

I have lots of flashbacks from the nights of his attacks. The punches to my face, the chocking... .I feel like I can still feel the pain on my body,the bruises as if it was yesterday.I can still hear his voice in my ear calling me a stupid whore while hitting me. I keep screaming for help and no one can hear me. It's like a nightmare I want to wake up from but I can't cause It was all real

I pray every single day that there is a god that he/she will do what he did to me one day.

[fromheeltoheal]

It's like a nightmare I want to wake up from but I can't cause It was all real

I pray every single day that there is a god that he/she will do what he did to me one day.

That's a lot to carry NYC.  Have you considered talking to someone local, professional and live about what you've been through and how you're going to get past it and on with your life?

[Sunfl0wer]

NYC,

I'm terribly sorry for what you have been through.  I have spent a lot of time also wondering "Why?"  What did she/he get out of it?  What was running through their mind?  And many other questions.

I don't know the answers.  I don't expect it to ever make sense to me.

I did start the book, "The Body Keeps Score."  It explores the physiological reasons and ways our bodies hold onto the trauma.  To be honest, it was hard for me to focus on continuing.  I will pick it up again when I can focus on it.  The bits that I did read felt very scientifically validating to my response to so much trauma.

My T told me something that baffled me about an abuser who tried to rape me but I ran and got away.  He explained the variety of types of rapists... .I cannot recall... .but explained that this man literally thought that by raping me... .it would bring me pleasure!  He explained that he figured at some point... .I would 'see' how enjoyable this was and be grateful for the experience.  Wow... .my mind believes this as it is consistent with the behavior I witnessed... .but my mind also cannot fathom this also.

I imagine trying to sort out an abusers mind can be disorienting, stressful, and may not lead to much clarity.  Yet I do always wonder still and feel I may find solace in finding a way into their heads somehow.  Confusing!

I am glad to hear you are out of this relationship.

Have you done any learning about trauma bonding?