Over too quicky? Sabotaged

[Crazytoo]

I was wondering if anybody experienced this too.

The romance/relationship with my ex was really looking good, we were happy, good for each other (of course that was the idealization phase, but nonetheless we got along really good and are compatible in many ways). After about 2 months there was a situation, a fight, we both got sort of triggered, everything escalated and she withdrew herself for a while. When she resurfaced, she proclaimed "It's over". Later

I asked her whether she was scared it got too serious, whether she was scared I was looking for the one true real love and if that scared her, she somewhat agreed that it had to do with it. Things were just looking "too" good, too serious.  Just at a point where we could've started working on the relationship, it was over.

Of course, that wasn't the end of the story. Ater a while she reached out telling me she's still into me very much. The only problem was that she had reconnected with her ex and was with him again. She told me she doesn't want to be with him but can't break up yet so quickly. So in a way she was back wanting me, but because of the third person involved all our chances were sabotaged. And since then it has been a silly painful rollercoster. More a pinball machine with her bouncing between the two guys.

Does any of this sound familiar to anyone? Too quickly ending things, just when it was looking so good, just when it could've started to get serious. And then re-introducing a chance for the relationship that could be so awesome, but this time poisoned from the start, sabotaged in advance?

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[Lifewriter16]

The stuff of BPD, I'd say, Crazytoo. She got happy and then got scared you'd abandon her and needed a backup plan (the other man) just in case. This dynamic keeps both relationships from being threatening to her as she isn't truly invested in either of them and she can put lots of emotional energy into deciding which one of you she wants to be with rather than dealing with herself... .two wonderful distractions. Do you want to be a distraction from her pain or would you like someone who is wanted for himself? I think it very unlikely you'll find that here. I suspect she's keeping you on the backburner just in case things fall apart with the current boyfriend and she finds herself without supply. Things are probably not as bad with the current fella as she's saying - she'll be telling you what she thinks she needs to tell you to keep you around. Sorry if this sounds like doom and gloom... .but it's a very familiar pattern to me.

Lifewriter x

[Crazytoo]

Thanks lifewriter16!

Yeah, pay attention to the actions, not the words, right? I am aware.

The actions include though keeping him unaware and at a distance, going dark, at times being quite mean to him while being quite close to me again, emotionally, physically. What I do believe her is that she's torn and doesn't know what she wants. I sort of took a stand and told her it can't go on like this. Since then things have been different, we said we'd keep a healthy distance until we all can interact properly again. She also went travelling on her own trying to get herself sorted out. I wonder if that'll make anything better, worse, even more complicated, or won't change anything at all

I know I'm pathetic, but I'll still be hoping for a while. Things didn't end well with them when they originally broke up, they had lost all passion. They still don't look passionate at all, while when she's with me, we're pure fire. A mutual friend told me she only went back to him because things with her and me went to intense and close and because I made the mistake of pursuing her too much when she withdrew for the first time.

[Lifewriter16]

Interesting what your mutual friend says - I'd say that fits perfectly with the push-pull of BPD i.e. the fear of abandonment and fear of engulfment balance that pwBPD are constantly trying to maintain.

Lifewriter x

[Narkiss]

Yes, sounds really familiar. It took my BPD seven months. Outside stress hit just at the point that our relationship (long-distance, lots of complications) could actually work. He grew much closer to his estranged wife, sabotaged our relationship and then came back. He told me that he loved me and missed me and wanted to be with me. We again became close and again he pulled back. He has been bouncing back and forth for about a month. I just realized what was going on and talked to him about it. He acknowledged my pain and hurt but I have not heard from him since. No idea if I will. Not sure if I want to.

[livednlearned]

Often in these relationships we negotiate with boundaries because we fear the consequences if we assert them -- our partner might leave, get angry, hurt us in some way.

The role of boundaries is essential in a BPD relationship. Without them, without that structure, a person who struggles with who they are (and intimacy in general) is going to find other ways to establish safety and security. It might be by disappearing, which is a very effective "boundary," or it might be by finding a new person, or establishing a long-distance relationship. For someone who really struggles with boundaries, it is too shaky to rely on them internally. She's trying to solve this problem in unhealthy ways; it's also the best she can do right now.

And we often fall right into that dynamic because it's familiar, or we don't see the subtext of intimacy and misread signs.

Here on the saving board, we focus on skills that can help you deal with abandonment anxiety, and learn to be the great guy she fell in love with. This is not easy! Especially when a third wheel is introduced.

She's dating someone else; she may come back to you. First, you have to get off the roller coaster. That's not healthy for you, and it's not healthy for her. She won't find you attractive if you deal away your boundaries.

It's hard work   and there are no guarantees.

Still, either way, whether she comes back or not, you have to regain control of your life and be your awesome self.  

[Crazytoo]

Thanks livednlearned.

A few weeks ago I basically said the rollercoaster needs to stop. I pushed her away a little, she pushed back even harder.

Now today I don't know what to feel. I got an email from her vacation (she's been gone for a week of three) saying how she's relaxing and returning to herself.

She also reminds me and emphasizes that we better stay friends and that she doesn't want to get back together with me.

It hurts, it's old news too.

Before she left she said she's still torn and confused and so attracted to me.

Of course I have to accept her decision and move on, should it be the final one.

In a way it is what I had hoped for; her liberating herself (maybe not only from me).

Between the lines and from the typos towards the end I read that when she was writing about "us" she was in pain, it wasn't easy for her to write it. Especially wishing for me to find a partner is painful for her to say, I know

So I need to once more painfully accept this decision.

I wonder why she needs to remind me of it.

Why did she write from her vacation when we had gone to LC/NC and said we'd talk when she's back? (Pattern: a few weeks ago, I decided to get away from it all, and on my 2nd day, i get a long text from her, telling me to enjoy my freedom)

So I'm not sitting here hoping, waiting?

Why did she even bother to write, when nothing has changed?

I wonder what our next encounter as friends will look like, as we're so incredibly attracted to each other, emotionally, cuddly, physically...

I had hoped she totally liberates herself from everything and everyone, and we maybe get a second chance, when we meet again, both free, with nothing between us.

Those were my hopes... .

Still are, somehow... .