I need advice on maintaining a boundary

[lightningtree]

Boundaries vs controlling behavior is something I'm really struggling with in myself. It's so easy to see everything my pwBPD does and want to fix it and I'm really trying to get out of that trap. I don't know if the relationship is going to survive or not, I've posted on other boards about that. Right now I'm looking for specific advice on cleaning.

We share a home, have no kids. I spend more time in the house than he does. I also have a higher standard of clean than he does. That's something I think we could figure out if it weren't for BPD. But. He does not clean up after himself at all. This includes leaving his things all over the house, never helping with dishes or other shared chores, never helping with our pets, never cleaning up behind himself in "his" bathroom, which is also the guest bathroom.

I'm left with strong feelings of hatred and resentment. I feel very disrespected. How do I handle all of this from my own end, without trying to control him? I was thinking I could leave all of his mess in his office, and shut the guest bathroom when we have guests and direct them to use my bathroom? Not ask for or expect help in any other area, like with our pets or bigger chores. But this leaves me feeling... .I could say disrespected but it goes so much deeper than that. And it feels immature to handle it that way. I guess I wanna feel good about it for myself and can't really see how to make it happen.

This is something (like all our other problems) which has been getting worse and worse over time. (I'm sure DBT would help -- but he won't look into it on his own and same for MC, we're between counselors at the moment and our last one told me to back off, essentially... .she's right, I know it, I'm just having trouble figuring out what I am supposed to do... .)

Guys, I'm lost.  How do I do this? I've looked at the lessons regarding boundaries SEVERAL times and my brain just isn't getting how to make it happen with this. If anyone has advice or can help me clarify my thoughts and feelings and figure out what to do I would really appreciate it.

[eeks]

Hi lightningtree,

Your partner's habits remind me of my father (narcissistic traits) - issues with organization/cleanliness/hoarding.  My mother (co-dependent) ends up doing it all. 

My personal "style" is that things can get messy while you are using them, and you still do everyday maintenance (like putting things in the dishwasher) but once a week or so, do all the cleaning at once.  I used to live with my sister, who is compulsively clean (which I feel can be as indicative of emotional problems as hoarding, especially when it goes beyond a preference to "others are offending my very person if they do not follow my standards to the letter, and this gives me good reason to emotionally abuse them"  I made her the offer of, every Saturday or Sunday morning, we will turn on the music and clean together for an hour (or as long as it takes).  I thought that was perfectly reasonable.   She was not only unwilling to budge her standards/compromise even a little bit, she also wanted me to follow those standards (i.e. "everything gets cleaned up as it is used" when she wasn't around.  I did not agree to that because it feels to me like it is more work, like you are constantly cleaning and watching for things to clean. 

Realistically, people live in a house, things get messy, and someone has to clean it up, and if it's not him, it's you (unless you hire someone to do the cleaning).  So I'd almost be wondering, aside from "different standards of cleanliness", who he thinks is going to do it, if he never does.  It seems to me that a prerequisite of a healthy relationship would be to be able to have honest conversations about topics like this.  You mention "boundaries", that can include standards about how people treat you, and how you will behave in response. 

Even though I understand that you feel disrespected, I am not sure if telling him that will be effective, because I imagine it will be likely to trigger shame/guilt in him and he may get defensive as a result.  Some people just don't connect cleanliness and morality/respect in their minds.  Furthermore, although you two have a partnership, and that means working together... .so there has to be a willingness to work together... .I would speculate that people who don't do any cleaning at all have this compulsion more out of self-loathing and avoidance, than disrespect for others.  However, if you would like to explore your emotions here about how "not cleaning = disrespect" for you, let's do that. 

It isn't fair for you to have to do it all.  So, you could suggest the "cleaning hour" or hiring someone, if you can afford it (although I understand you have other issues and don't know whether you'll stay, hiring someone might be "worth it" regardless of what ultimately happens).  That said, because I speculate that not cleaning has deeper emotional roots, I don't know how much success you'll have negotiating something unless both of you are able to respectfully articulate your emotions about the matter to each other.

eeks

[lightningtree]

You're absolutely right about negotiating not being the right path here. I've tried that in the past and there's really no change. He says the mess doesn't bother him, and people seeing the mess doesn't bother him. If I ask him to clean specific things he will, but only if and when I ask. There is no partnership. My ideal cleaning style sounds a lot like yours -- small daily maintenance chores, and longer on Saturday to do the bigger projects.

You're also right about avoidance/self-loathing being the emotional motivator for his behavior. I'm just at the point where I can't act on what he's feeling anymore. In the past I've tried broaching the subject from a point of validating and then moving forward together but I don't want to keep doing that. I want things to change, and I'm focusing on changing me so that I can step away from controlling behaviors and codependency.

He wants me to go back to that, which is likely why the cleaning issue has gotten so much worse. It's a trap. I care about it, and he doesn't, so eventually I'll say something and when can have a fight and slip back into toxicity. I know I can't do that cycle anymore. And I can't expect him to change. So I'm trying to change me, but in the areas where our lives intersect I'm really struggling with figuring out how to make that happen the right way. Ugh.

I'm sorry if I'm repeating myself and not explaining clearly. It's a huge mess inside my head and it's been tangled for so long. I want to find a way to handle this without expecting him to do anything differently and without asking him to, since I know exactly how that will go. I need to find the way out where I'm maintaining my own boundary of self-respect, in keeping the house clean to my standard without relying on him/pressuring him, and without feeling disrespected by crossing my own boundary in constantly cleaning up behind him.

I don't mind that I have a higher standard of clean than he does. The resentment comes more from the fact that he has no standard. I know that's part of a lot of mental health disorders. But I have to live here too. He will leave smears in his/the guest toilet even when he knows we have people coming over... .That's the kind of thing that makes me feel so disrespected.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey lightning-

There is no partnership.

If that's the case, you could consider it your house and keep it the way you want your home kept.  It's not fair to run around cleaning up after him as well as yourself, so how about hiring a cleaning service, and maybe have him pay for it, or at least split it with you?  That would be a sea change in the home cleanliness dynamic, you sending the message that you're going to clean up your stuff and you're going to live in the home you want to live in, regardless of what squalor he generates.  And then he will get with the program or he won't, but you've set the boundary that this is the home you will live in regardless, and since there's no partnership, it's not negotiable.