Best validating present

[waitingwife]

On a lighter note, anybody thinking of giving their spouse a Valentine present? What would be considered a validating present?

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[ArleighBurke]

Ah - the dilema of choosing what gift WON'T cause a bad reaction... .

[waitingwife]

I just got over one raging dysfunction- mind you I said I... .I don't know if he is fully over it yet coz he is not sleeping well and I can sense how hard he is tying to control his lows... .

However, this time I realized that I have let him destroy my ability to empathize or be expressive in addition to my co-depency which makes expression of validtiin by words difficult after so many years of rage... .

But my uBPDH really has come a long way and if I look at the history of the last 13 years, the raging intensity has gone down and I am getting better at expecting that it's never going away... .Bpd is going to be that 3rd person in iur relatiinship so I am trying to keep things at a minimal, taking good care of myself and meeting with my T on Monday to help me through this.

So I was thinking of how I'd try to be so thoughtful sbout Valentine day and then I let life and BPDH just take that enthusiasm and love away... .So today I am going to go out to lunch eith some girlfriends and buy a present for bodH and my sweet daughter coz it'll make me feel good!

[sweetheart]

So today I am going to go out to lunch eith some girlfriends and buy a present for bodH and my sweet daughter coz it'll make me feel good 


I got to a point where too much sadness got in the way and I got into a place in my head and heart that said, if you don't bother with a card he'll realise you're upset. So I stopped giving cards for a couple of years. My behaviour only caused me and him more upset ( once he realised Valentines Day had come and gone ) and I also realised I was being mean and petty. 

He was in such a bad way for a long time, he didn't know what day of the week it was let alone be able to acknowledge Valentines Day.

I love my h and I enjoy choosing a card for him, it doesn't usually trigger him, and I understand better now that he expresses his love for me in different ways.

So give a card if you want to, and maybe reframe your expectations around what your SO can manage and look for expressions of love in other places. They will be there. 

[waitingwife]

Sweetheart,

I'm going to go ahead and buy him a card & shirt or something coz he is going to be travelling and I really feel like doing it coz of my love within. All my life before meeting my H, I have been a person with very minimal expectations from relationships and so made friends forever very easilY and I let this BPD run havoc through my life and became bitter from having more expectations than a healthy person should have to be happy.

One of my cousins had gifted me a really sweet PowerPoint video of my entire life from birth to when I got pregnant for my baby shower and I was watching it a few months ago... .I just had a meltdown and cried seeing the happiness and the free spirit I had... .It was not how I looked coz I actually looked crappy & funny coz I was younger but the happy spirit! And I was a very fun person to be with. I want my daughter to see the real me and not the new ME who had been compromised by my H's BPD. I cannot let the illness define me anymore than I already have and have been doing a lot of intropection since then.

So this buying a gift for my family members is a step towards regaining some of the ME that got left behind.

Thanks for listening

[sweetheart]

And that's the start to improving things, reclaiming yourself from the illness. It's really good to hear waitingwife.