Am I stupid to be thinking this?

[SadDaddy]

A lot of you read my story, but yesterday and today the indignation is gone and I'm just a wreck. I cant stop crying, I can't focus on anything. Am I stupid to think that maybe we could go to couples counseling or group therapy or something? Is there such a thing as a healthy relationship after this? Would she see anything different at all if someone else told her that it wasn't 100% my fault? She couldn't see past the man I was just a few years ago. She can't see that she's the reason I've been acting this way, that she hasn't been in my corner since Abby was born. She hasn't been the same, but I remember her real smile and it hurts so bad.

I can't make her see what this is doing to me, and I can't make her understand how I feel. Is counseling worth it or am I just a sad sorry a**hole setting himself up for failure because I have a giant bleeding heart?

P.S. you guys have been great. This has been such a great place to find people who understand. Thank you all.

[Newton]

Hey SadDaddy... .sounds like you are proper down right now... .I have the t shirt... .know it inside out, we put it through the wash to clean it... .still fits perfectly    

I read through your back posts... .you sound like a very 'direct' honest sort of guy... .I'm happy to be the same here to you on the 'detaching' board... .

I'm a generally calm dude... .I put up with immense crappola, I ended up screaming at my ex like a madman in order to 'make her listen'. Denial is a prime motive with this condition... .your 'truth' to her will probably make things worse... .you can beat yourself up for that if you want... .but I'll verbally kick the crap out of you for doing so and send links as to why I think that way  ... .hell... .even my therapist got totally frustrated with an ex with BPD (assumed).

How many 'success' stories on the staying board here would you wish to participate in?... .

This is the brutal reality when dealing with BPD... .I think you need this right now to snap out of the place you are choosing to be in... .

[Newton]

ps... .you wrote in your first post ... ."I wish I had been stronger, but that's not important"... .

I fundamentally disagree (and appreciate why you think that right now)... .If you put effort into this place... and learning about yourself... .hopefully with time you will find out how important that is.

[cootkilla]

If it helps, I'm feeling and dreaming the same things, rationally though if it only makes her dig herself deeper into her hole ("truth'"and will serve in her mind to make me look weaker and more "guilty", I will continue to suffer in silence.

It's weird u have to abandon all rational thought, really. Don't think I have the strength to make it through this either(separated/divorce 3kids).  I still love her with all my heart despite the misery I have endurer over the years... .I was either  sparing the kids her raging or I thought I'm strong I can handle it, surely I will be able to get her to see the real truth being its so obvious, but again without a rational person on the other side all my explaining and yes crying did, was make her more "right", so much so that when I think of dying ( just thoughts no plans) my mind says you can never do that, bc then she will really believe she was "right all along".  It is the worst catch 22 ever, and so so sad for everybody, including her.

[Driver]

Saddaddy,

Hi there,

Please hang in. Come to your senses. No therapy will work for the simple reason that she has reached the stage of getting triggered over and over again. To her you have become a trigger, but it's not your fault, it's her sickness doing it to her.

It's a very serious sickness that many people seem to undermine.

For the moment you are on a boat. The only way out is through the heavy storms that are trying to wreck your boat in pieces, but you must go through it. If you turn around and go the opposite way it will lead you to deception. Don't succumb to the sirens' song. Don't dive. Get grip of yourself. Love is supposed to make you feel good, not miserable. Love does exist, but not in form of this kind of poison. You need to get detoxified. Don't try, do it.

[SadDaddy]

To her you have become a trigger, but it's not your fault, it's her sickness doing it to her.

I don't think anything has made me more profoundly sad and been so correct at the same time. It's so hard to me to let go, knowing that what she sees and what she thinks I feel are so wrong. I love her, so f'in much, and we worked so hard for so long. My best years are gone, only to be replaced with memories of her worst.

I was raised on sitcoms, so I have this naive belief that everything would be okay in the end. Think I would have learned after my mom died before she met her granddaughter.

[Driver]

To her you have become a trigger, but it's not your fault, it's her sickness doing it to her.

I don't think anything has made me more profoundly sad and been so correct at the same time. It's so hard to me to let go, knowing that what she sees and what she thinks I feel are so wrong. I love her, so f'in much, and we worked so hard for so long. My best years are gone, only to be replaced with memories of her worst.

I was raised on sitcoms, so I have this naive belief that everything would be okay in the end. Think I would have learned after my mom died before she met her granddaughter.

I didn't mean to make you sad. I just wanted you to come to your senses. I've been through the same hell. It's devastating when you know you feel helpless, not to mention that they themselves suffer a lot from their sickness too. Think about the future of your daughter and your future too. When you are deep down on the bottom, from now on it can only get better.  

[Newton]

Driver has identified the key understanding of BPD that allowed me to let go... .then heal.

The mere act of attempting to engage in a relationship with someone with untreated BPD often results in us being objectified as their initial abuser... .

It's important we take time to research this, let it sink in... .and hopefully act on this knowledge as a responsible, informed participant.

It was my wake up call... .lightbulb moment, call it what you will.  Tragic, true, release... .

[steelwork]

I remember my ex saying he was struggling not to associate me (his bad feelings about our r/s) with his mother, who presided over his abuse at the hands of his stepfather. Sad that he had so much self-awareness at times, but that still wasn't enough in the end.