Hello.

[Depression = 72% of members]

A user from another site that I visited suggested that I should check BPD Family. I've been reading various posts for a few days now. I'm both saddened  and relieved that there are so many people in my situation. I don't feel as alone, but my heart goes out to each and every single one of you.

Where to start. I have to start somewhere, I guess.

I apologize in advance if this ends up being a mini essay.

My husband and I separated 3 weeks ago (he moved out). We have known each other for 12 years, have been together for 8, married for 5. In December he came home from work and told me that he was moving out at the end of January. He said that he was done. How he emotionally tapped out of our marriage. That he doesn't have patience for the relationship and doesn't want to work on our marriage.

I was sad + relieved.

A bit of background: Last year I came home and most of his stuff was gone. He called to tell me that he left. He moved into his cousin's house. He didn't even have the decency to sit me down. Our marriage wasn't perfect, but the problems that we had were pretty minor in comparison to what I used to hear from other people. After two weeks apart we decided to work on our marriage. He moved back in. I was in such a state of shock when he left that I blamed myself for everything. I regret that now ... .deeply. It wasn't my fault. I tried VERY hard to change my ways (things that I needed to change and things that he thought I needed to change). The reality that I didn't want to admit to myself is that I've been extremely unhappy for over 3 years. I would cry almost on a daily basis (usually in the shower) about us. It didn't feel right. He wasn't fair. He would get angry and scream like a lunatic over the most minor things. In my heart I knew that this marriage felt wrong yet I couldn't pull the plug. I kept hoping that he would change. I kept hoping that he would change so much that I changed who I was. I was always blamed for every single thing. I was told that I was the reason he was frustrated. I was the reason he was angry.  That he never had a temper until he met me ( a complete lie confirmed by his mother). I was the reason he was stressed out. I was the reason he was emotionally abusive (after denying that he was emotionally abusive). I'm surprised that I wasn't blamed for N'Sync breaking up and ISIS. He was ridiculous.


Despite the bull___... .I still tried. He was my second serious relationship. I was 23 when we got into a relationship. I invested so much and I wanted my investment to pay off. He wasn't the man I fell in love with. I was waiting for HIM to show up while he was showing me who he truly was for years.

I had been walking on eggshells for the past 13 months. When that didn't work, I realized there was nothing else I could do. I also told myself 3 years ago that I couldn't have kids with him. I want children. I just didn't want them with him. How could I bring a child into this world with someone who would threaten to leave whenever he was challenged... .or he would lock himself in the washroom refusing to talk. Yet I was called immature. When someone calls you immature all the time, you start believing that despite having common sense.

He insisted on seeing a counsellor with me - "not to save the marriage but for us to gain a deeper understanding of why things went wrong and to help me through this transition." 

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to act around him. I don't know if I should tell him I love him? Do I carry on as if everything is normal or give him space before we see a counsellor? We cuddled for over an hour after crying for almost 2.5 hours discussing our relationship the other night. He says that he wants to focus on himself. He doesn't have the energy for us anymore.

Within 20 minutes of talking to him the counsellor called him a narcissistic sociopath. I'll be honest, I wasn't expecting that. I didn't know much about this at all. I always knew he was extremely selfish. He never thought of us as a team. He put himself first. He made sure that he was covered in every aspect, especially financial, but I was left to fend for myself. When I would bring that up I was told that I wasn't "independent enough". Completely BS, but again, when someone continuously says that, you start believing that perhaps you are the problem.

The counsellor said that it was very evident that he has abandonment issues, mommy issues and that he is extremely selfish. All of this is true. He also pointed out that he was someone in his life who tried very hard to make things work but if he's not interested in working on himself, leaving is the easier option. Working on yourself means going back in time and dealing with childhood issues that have damaged you. He's not interested in that. It's easier to say that I was controlling.

He has yet to seek professional help. I really worry about him. I see a therapist every week and will for quite some time. We don't have much contact. He came by yesterday to get some of his mail. We spoke for a bit. It's weird not talking to someone who I've spoken to in some capacity every single day for the past 8 years. I miss that.

I found out through a friend that he's on Tinder. I shouldn't have brought it up last night, but I did. He lied and said how a friend downloaded the app for him but he hasn't used it. When another friend mentioned that he told him that he's met a few  women but nothing happened. It's hasn't been 3 weeks and you're on ___ing Tinder? Wow.  He told me how he wanted to work on himself and get better. That's your way of doing this? Being on Tinder. I'm so disappointed in him.

I don't know how to cope with my emotions anymore. I'm sad but also feel free. I miss the partnership. I miss having someone, talking to someone about my day. He knew me so well. But at the same time, I don't miss him. He was an ass. I don't know how much or little contact I should have with him. We still need to iron out details of our separation. I've asked to speed up the process by agreeing on an earlier date of separation as opposed to the real one. He has refused. You didn't want to work on this yet now you want to drag this out?

Sometimes I get the urge to text him and ask about his day. He deleted me off Facebook (I had deactivated my account prior to the deletion). I don't care about that. It's for the best. He doesn't need to know what I'm up to. I blocked him on Instagram for that very reason (once he found out he did the same).

When he came over last night to get his mail (after I told him to get mail forwarding) he asked if I was seeing anyone? If I slept with anyone? What gives you the right to ask such questions? We have a dog. I don't want him to see the dog anytime soon. I don't want to have unnecessary contact (unless it's for legal reasons) with him for the next few months, but it's so hard. We have many mutual friends.

I feel like I'm going insane.

Thanks for reading.

[Mels]

A user from another site that I visited suggested that I should check BPD Family. I've been reading various posts for a few days now. I'm both saddened  and relieved that there are so many people in my situation. I don't feel as alone, but my heart goes out to each and every single one of you.

Where to start. I have to start somewhere, I guess.

I apologize in advance if this ends up being a mini essay.

My husband and I separated 3 weeks ago (he moved out). We have known each other for 12 years, have been together for 8, married for 5. In December he came home from work and told me that he was moving out at the end of January. He said that he was done. How he emotionally tapped out of our marriage. That he doesn't have patience for the relationship and doesn't want to work on our marriage.

I was sad + relieved.

A bit of background: Last year I came home and most of his stuff was gone. He called to tell me that he left. He moved into his cousin's house. He didn't even have the decency to sit me down. Our marriage wasn't perfect, but the problems that we had were pretty minor in comparison to what I used to hear from other people. After two weeks apart we decided to work on our marriage. He moved back in. I was in such a state of shock when he left that I blamed myself for everything. I regret that now ... .deeply. It wasn't my fault. I tried VERY hard to change my ways (things that I needed to change and things that he thought I needed to change). The reality that I didn't want to admit to myself is that I've been extremely unhappy for over 3 years. I would cry almost on a daily basis (usually in the shower) about us. It didn't feel right. He wasn't fair. He would get angry and scream like a lunatic over the most minor things. In my heart I knew that this marriage felt wrong yet I couldn't pull the plug. I kept hoping that he would change. I kept hoping that he would change so much that I changed who I was. I was always blamed for every single thing. I was told that I was the reason he was frustrated. I was the reason he was angry.  That he never had a temper until he met me ( a complete lie confirmed by his mother). I was the reason he was stressed out. I was the reason he was emotionally abusive (after denying that he was emotionally abusive). I'm surprised that I wasn't blamed for N'Sync breaking up and ISIS. He was ridiculous.


Despite the bull___... .I still tried. He was my second serious relationship. I was 23 when we got into a relationship. I invested so much and I wanted my investment to pay off. He wasn't the man I fell in love with. I was waiting for HIM to show up while he was showing me who he truly was for years.

I had been walking on eggshells for the past 13 months. When that didn't work, I realized there was nothing else I could do. I also told myself 3 years ago that I couldn't have kids with him. I want children. I just didn't want them with him. How could I bring a child into this world with someone who would threaten to leave whenever he was challenged... .or he would lock himself in the washroom refusing to talk. Yet I was called immature. When someone calls you immature all the time, you start believing that despite having common sense.

He insisted on seeing a counsellor with me - "not to save the marriage but for us to gain a deeper understanding of why things went wrong and to help me through this transition." 

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to act around him. I don't know if I should tell him I love him? Do I carry on as if everything is normal or give him space before we see a counsellor? We cuddled for over an hour after crying for almost 2.5 hours discussing our relationship the other night. He says that he wants to focus on himself. He doesn't have the energy for us anymore.

Within 20 minutes of talking to him the counsellor called him a narcissistic sociopath. I'll be honest, I wasn't expecting that. I didn't know much about this at all. I always knew he was extremely selfish. He never thought of us as a team. He put himself first. He made sure that he was covered in every aspect, especially financial, but I was left to fend for myself. When I would bring that up I was told that I wasn't "independent enough". Completely BS, but again, when someone continuously says that, you start believing that perhaps you are the problem.

The counsellor said that it was very evident that he has abandonment issues, mommy issues and that he is extremely selfish. All of this is true. He also pointed out that he was someone in his life who tried very hard to make things work but if he's not interested in working on himself, leaving is the easier option. Working on yourself means going back in time and dealing with childhood issues that have damaged you. He's not interested in that. It's easier to say that I was controlling.

He has yet to seek professional help. I really worry about him. I see a therapist every week and will for quite some time. We don't have much contact. He came by yesterday to get some of his mail. We spoke for a bit. It's weird not talking to someone who I've spoken to in some capacity every single day for the past 8 years. I miss that.

I found out through a friend that he's on Tinder. I shouldn't have brought it up last night, but I did. He lied and said how a friend downloaded the app for him but he hasn't used it. When another friend mentioned that he told him that he's met a few  women but nothing happened. It's hasn't been 3 weeks and you're on ___ing Tinder? Wow.  He told me how he wanted to work on himself and get better. That's your way of doing this? Being on Tinder. I'm so disappointed in him.

I don't know how to cope with my emotions anymore. I'm sad but also feel free. I miss the partnership. I miss having someone, talking to someone about my day. He knew me so well. But at the same time, I don't miss him. He was an ass. I don't know how much or little contact I should have with him. We still need to iron out details of our separation. I've asked to speed up the process by agreeing on an earlier date of separation as opposed to the real one. He has refused. You didn't want to work on this yet now you want to drag this out?

Sometimes I get the urge to text him and ask about his day. He deleted me off Facebook (I had deactivated my account prior to the deletion). I don't care about that. It's for the best. He doesn't need to know what I'm up to. I blocked him on Instagram for that very reason (once he found out he did the same).

When he came over last night to get his mail (after I told him to get mail forwarding) he asked if I was seeing anyone? If I slept with anyone? What gives you the right to ask such questions? We have a dog. I don't want him to see the dog anytime soon. I don't want to have unnecessary contact (unless it's for legal reasons) with him for the next few months, but it's so hard. We have many mutual friends.

I feel like I'm going insane.

Thanks for reading.

[Lonely_Astro]

Hello and welcome to the board 

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this.  It sounds like it has been a long, arduous journey that spans over a decade.  That's an unbelievably long time, by any measure.

It sounds like your estranged is undiagnosed, but certainly has some cluster B traits.  Cluster B, if you aren't familiar,  disorders are personality disorders which are characterized by dramatic, overly emotional or unpredictable thinking or behavior. They include antisocial personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, histrionic personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder.  Typically, most men are diagnosed as ASPD over BPD.  Usually more men are diagnosed as NPD than women.  So, you could be dealing with those instead of BPD, but there is overlap, so let's go from there... .ok? 

First off, thanks for posting your story.  You are among people who have experienced multiple levels of the disorders spanning as little as a few weeks to a several decades.  It sounds like you are doing a great job of taking care of yourself and you are detaching well.  Grief is a process and we all swing along the stages.  Luckily, acceptance does happen, even if it's on its own pace.

I, myself, am in the process of grief.  My r/s with my ex wasn't nearly as long as yours.  If I am as exhausted as I am, I can only imagine how you must feel!  My r/s has been split into two times, over a 4 year span.  The first was 4 years ago, it lasted 4 months.  J (my ex) wasn't diagnosed then and I had no idea what I had gotten caught up in.  She was diagnosed BPD at the end of our r/s.  We work together as well, but we managed to be practically NC for 3 years.  We reconnected, not in the greatest of ways (an affair), after that 3 year break.  We ended up having a year r/s, where as a little over halfway through, I had progressed to have a "real" life with J.  Just when that was looking on the up and up, she left me.  We never recovered from that.  That, in itself, is a long story.  I won't get into that in this post.

Being in a r/s, any r/s, with a pwBPD is difficult.  BPD is a pervasive disorder that is extremely complex.  The one thing I want you to understand is that you aren't at fault for it.  You didn't cause it and sadly, you can't cure it.  Please be kind to yourself right now, you've been through a very traumatic, long term event.

The way you are feeling is completely normal.  We are bonded to our abuser (trauma bond), we are co-dependent, enmeshed, and in FOG (fear obligation guilt).  If these terms seem foreign to you, thats ok.  In time, with reading, you'll understand them.  You're starting out on a new journey.  Keep reading and keep posting.

We're all here to help you as you travel! 

[Mels]

Hello and welcome to the board 

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this.  It sounds like it has been a long, arduous journey that spans over a decade.  That's an unbelievably long time, by any measure.

It sounds like your estranged is undiagnosed, but certainly has some cluster B traits.  Cluster B, if you aren't familiar,  disorders are personality disorders which are characterized by dramatic, overly emotional or unpredictable thinking or behavior. They include antisocial personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, histrionic personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder.  Typically, most men are diagnosed as ASPD over BPD.  Usually more men are diagnosed as NPD than women.  So, you could be dealing with those instead of BPD, but there is overlap, so let's go from there... .ok? 

First off, thanks for posting your story.  You are among people who have experienced multiple levels of the disorders spanning as little as a few weeks to a several decades.  It sounds like you are doing a great job of taking care of yourself and you are detaching well.  Grief is a process and we all swing along the stages.  Luckily, acceptance does happen, even if it's on its own pace.

I, myself, am in the process of grief.  My r/s with my ex wasn't nearly as long as yours.  If I am as exhausted as I am, I can only imagine how you must feel!  My r/s has been split into two times, over a 4 year span.  The first was 4 years ago, it lasted 4 months.  J (my ex) wasn't diagnosed then and I had no idea what I had gotten caught up in.  She was diagnosed BPD at the end of our r/s.  We work together as well, but we managed to be practically NC for 3 years.  We reconnected, not in the greatest of ways (an affair), after that 3 year break.  We ended up having a year r/s, where as a little over halfway through, I had progressed to have a "real" life with J.  Just when that was looking on the up and up, she left me.  We never recovered from that.  That, in itself, is a long story.  I won't get into that in this post.

Being in a r/s, any r/s, with a pwBPD is difficult.  BPD is a pervasive disorder that is extremely complex.  The one thing I want you to understand is that you aren't at fault for it.  You didn't cause it and sadly, you can't cure it.  Please be kind to yourself right now, you've been through a very traumatic, long term event.

The way you are feeling is completely normal.  We are bonded to our abuser (trauma bond), we are co-dependent, enmeshed, and in FOG (fear obligation guilt).  If these terms seem foreign to you, thats ok.  In time, with reading, you'll understand them.  You're starting out on a new journey.  Keep reading and keep posting.

We're all here to help you as you travel! 

Thank you very much for replying. I really appreciate it.

It really has been a long journey. Right now I feel like I'm from the outside looking into my life. I can't believe just how much I tolerated and justified to myself. I'd like to think that I'm a strong, reasonable woman who stands up for what she believes in. I don't know why she put up with so much. It boggles my mind as to why. I suppose I don't need to worry about why. I need to worry about myself and keep going.

Yes. Our marriage counsellor told him that he is a narcissistic sociopath, but that was as far as it went in terms of a professional commenting on his behaviour.

I'm sorry to hear that you've experienced similar trauma.

What do you do if/when you get the urge to call her?

[Lonely_Astro]

Thank you very much for replying. I really appreciate it.

It really has been a long journey. Right now I feel like I'm from the outside looking into my life. I can't believe just how much I tolerated and justified to myself. I'd like to think that I'm a strong, reasonable woman who stands up for what she believes in. I don't know why she put up with so much. It boggles my mind as to why. I suppose I don't need to worry about why. I need to worry about myself and keep going.

Yes. Our marriage counsellor told him that he is a narcissistic sociopath, but that was as far as it went in terms of a professional commenting on his behaviour.

I'm sorry to hear that you've experienced similar trauma.

What do you do if/when you get the urge to call her?

Feeling 'off kilter' is completely normal.  As time progresses, you will begin to balance back out.  You've spent the last 8 years having to be careful of how you acted, talked, reacted to things, and even thought.  I can imagine you feel it's difficult to trust your own feelings (at least somewhat) because of the event.  People in these types of r/s begin to mimic/display traits of their own.  I'm not saying anything is wrong with you, please don't misunderstand.  I've just read that and I can see it, I did.

Don't think to much about why you tolerated it.  You did because you loved him.  It was an unhealthy love, but it was love.  I think we've all been there.

My r/s lasted about a year after we reconnected.  We 'officially' ended at the end of December, after a couple of months of being placed in limbo.  I work with her, so I get the joy of seeing her during the work week.  January I was NC for a couple of weeks, talked for a few days, went NC again, and somehow ended up talking again.  The final stage has arrived though, as I found out she's "head over heels" in love with a guy (who we also work with!  Awesome, right?), all the while keeping me in orbit (a common thing).  Don't get me wrong, I've kept her in orbit to.  Oh, and she's been seeing this guy since December.

As of this afternoon, she told me that she wanted to "be a friend" to me.  I declined the offer, but my head is still spinning.  As of last Friday, she told me that she "missed me, all of me" and that she would "love me forever and always" and she would "always be here for me, even if I didnt want to come to her".  All the while, she's head over heels for this new guy and he supposedly knows she's been talking to me.  But, she didnt tell me about the new guy, make sense?  So, some one, some where, is lying to themselves or some one else.

I had already reached the point where I wasn't going to talk to her this week.  I had got there because as she was talking to me about meeting me Friday (for a hug), she was driving her bf's truck.  So, what I kept saying, that was my focal point was "let her hug the truck".  Now, 4 years ago when we split, how I didnt contact her was forced.  She wouldn't respond (we didnt know she was BPD at that time, that came a little later).  There was a brief period she did talk to me again, thats when I found out about the BPD, and she went silent again.  Every time I would get the urge to talk to her, I would somehow distract myself until the moment passed.  Eventually, it got to where I didn't want to text her at all.  I mourned the loss of the J I knew, she had died.  Replaced by a doppelgänger. 

Basically, I am doing that again, all over.  I somehow managed to lose the same girl twice.  Except this time, we got much closer (emotionally and physically).  I obviously meant something to her, she still wants me around, but I'm not going to be a part of that.  At the very least, it's not right to me.  At it's worst, L is being lied to already by J, showing me that J isn't really being honest with herself... .make sense?

Keep posting.  Time, distance, and understanding will bring a lot of clarity to you.