Got final closure from an ex of my uBPD/HPD ex gf

[Depression = 72% of members]

So, I'm at almost 1 year of NC. Yesterday I wrote to an ex of my uBPD/HPD ex gf, specifically to the one with whom she stayed for the longest amount of time, 3 years, until about 6 years ago (so quite before the beginning of my relationship, which was in June 2013).

He is completely disconnected from her life for several years - like me, so I deemed it was completely safe to contact him without incurring in side-effects. I also thought that writing to him to have information about her past was the best move, since 3 years represent a sufficient amount of time to "live" the complete BPD cycle of "idealize/devalue/discard" behavioural patterns I observed throughout my 18 months relationship.

So, I wrote him a very polite message asking him if he observed all the behavioural patterns I noticed during my relationship; guess what? He confirmed everything!

Not only this, he also wrote she's the only girl in his life he had to completely cut-off from his life for... .survival reasons! Simply put, he told me that the relationship became quickly unbearable, that he finds nowadays odd he tolerated her for 3 years and that she gave him far more bad moments than good ones throughout the r/s.

Why I had this exchange with him? Well, first of all I wanted a further closure, an unequivocal confirmation about the mental issues she has... .I got that.

Second, I wanted to be sure that I really couldn't do anything to save the relationship... .I got that. The same dysfunctional patterns emerge in every relationship she has, regardless of the current partner.

In conclusion, I really suggest to contact an ex of your BPD ex if you think the ex is completely out of the BPD's life (this to avoid possible side-effects) and this ex has enough information about the BPD's past behaviours... .it can really give the definitive, final closure! Now I can celebrate my 1 year of NC :D

Also, I'm interested in hearing similar stories from the people here and understand what was the outcome.

[Fr4nz]

So, I'm at almost 1 year of NC. Yesterday I wrote to an ex of my uBPD/HPD ex gf, specifically to the one with whom she stayed for the longest amount of time, 3 years, until about 6 years ago (so quite before the beginning of my relationship, which was in June 2013).

He is completely disconnected from her life for several years - like me, so I deemed it was completely safe to contact him without incurring in side-effects. I also thought that writing to him to have information about her past was the best move, since 3 years represent a sufficient amount of time to "live" the complete BPD cycle of "idealize/devalue/discard" behavioural patterns I observed throughout my 18 months relationship.

So, I wrote him a very polite message asking him if he observed all the behavioural patterns I noticed during my relationship; guess what? He confirmed everything!

Not only this, he also wrote she's the only girl in his life he had to completely cut-off from his life for... .survival reasons! Simply put, he told me that the relationship became quickly unbearable, that he finds nowadays odd he tolerated her for 3 years and that she gave him far more bad moments than good ones throughout the r/s.

Why I had this exchange with him? Well, first of all I wanted a further closure, an unequivocal confirmation about the mental issues she has... .I got that.

Second, I wanted to be sure that I really couldn't do anything to save the relationship... .I got that. The same dysfunctional patterns emerge in every relationship she has, regardless of the current partner.

In conclusion, I really suggest to contact an ex of your BPD ex if you think the ex is completely out of the BPD's life (this to avoid possible side-effects) and this ex has enough information about the BPD's past behaviours... .it can really give the definitive, final closure! Now I can celebrate my 1 year of NC :D

Also, I'm interested in hearing similar stories from the people here and understand what was the outcome.

[Fr4nz]

PS: I'd also guess that most of the BPD's exes that lived the BPD horrible cycle will be glad to share their stories and hear they were not the dysfunctional element in the r/s; also, they'll be fairly happy and curious to hear there was something horribly and distinctly wrong in the BPD's personality. All in all it can be a win-win situation, since you'll give them closure as well (if they didn't have one or they didn't figure out precisely what happened).

[apollotech]

Fr4nz,

Congrats man, I am happy for you that you got that validation and closure! I was not surprised to hear that the former ex's experiences matched yours. BPD is not around one day but gone the next, nor is it around for one relationship but not in another. I hope that your OP will help people on the boards that are questioning that: is my BPDex cured/normal in the next relationship and/or with my replacement, etc.? Nope.

[Fr4nz]

Thanks Apollo!

I have to say that I already got my closure by reading tons of academic literature, books, forum, etc. in the past months.

BUT, seeing first-hand that the empirical evidence matches the tons of literature I studied represents an unparalleled satisfaction, the last piece of a gigantic puzzle going in the right place! This is THE FINAL closure, because it gives you confirmation that, indeed, disordered people have behavioural patterns that go on independently from the current partner.

This also tells us that, indeed, psychology - if used properly - gives us the immense power to understand better us, the others and to improve significantly our lives.

PS: I was thinking that contacting an ex of a potential BPD ex may be considered as a useful tactic in this forum in order to get closure... .moderators should consider it and how this could be possibly handled in the best possible way.

Also, it may greatly help people affected in the past by a BPD, since this could give them closure as well (depending on the circumstances).

[Narkiss]

How about contacting the ex-husband of his wife? Just found out that BPDbf is not as separated from his wife as I thought and I was led to believe (we have not talked since I told him this upset me). How do I approach wife's ex? Should I? He also was married for a couple years to first wife. They have not been in contact. She cheated on him (but now I wonder even about that because he projects). I seem to remind him of her.

I haven't entirely given up the relationship (denial?) and am ambivalent over what to do if he contacts me again. He has a strong sense of privacy/compartmentalization and would utterly hate me and paint me black forever if he knew I was poking around. It would give me validation if I knew that other people have had similar experiences. Also I am hoping that the wife's ex could indirectly get him into therapy.

I have also thought of calling his wife and telling her about our relationship. She is dysfunctional and chaotic herself. Is this a terrible idea? Is this BPD fleas?

[Fr4nz]

How about contacting the ex-husband of his wife? Just found out that BPDbf is not as separated from his wife as I thought and I was led to believe (we have not talked since I told him this upset me). How do I approach wife's ex? Should I? He also was married for a couple years to first wife. They have not been in contact. She cheated on him (but now I wonder even about that because he projects). I seem to remind him of her.

I haven't entirely given up the relationship (denial?) and am ambivalent over what to do if he contacts me again. He has a strong sense of privacy/compartmentalization and would utterly hate me and paint me black forever if he knew I was poking around. It would give me validation if I knew that other people have had similar experiences. Also I am hoping that the wife's ex could indirectly get him into therapy.

I have also thought of calling his wife and telling her about our relationship. She is dysfunctional and chaotic herself. Is this a terrible idea? Is this BPD fleas?

The problem is: I'd suggest to contact his ex-wife if you're sure there won't be bad side-effects - this is VERY important.

In my case, this ex was completely out of my ex's life for a very long time (5+ years) and I'm out of her life too since 1 year, so I was pretty confident about a positive outcome.

However, you say that his ex-wife is chaotic and dysfunctional, so be very careful because her reactions will be unpredictable; perhaps you can think about contacting her ONLY IF she's out of his life - which means no contact - since a long time (let's say at least 2 years?).

If, somehow, they're still in contact consider that there's a good probability that she will reveal him your conversation... .

[Narkiss]

The ex-wife has been out of his life for 15 years. I have been out of his for one week (maybe less). If she somehow decides to report that I have been in touch, it would be a big problem.

The current wife (I know, so confusing) is the one who is chaotic and dysfunctional. He knows this, hates this but is drawn to it. Anyway, he told me that there were separated and getting a divorce. They are not as separated as he led me to believe. He has likely been lying to her also. Even though I know that it would not end well, I want to call her and tell her what has been going on and she can make her own decision... .

He encouraged me to make life changes to be with him.

[Fr4nz]

The ex-wife has been out of his life for 15 years. I have been out of his for one week (maybe less). If she somehow decides to report that I have been in touch, it would be a big problem.

The current wife (I know, so confusing) is the one who is chaotic and dysfunctional. He knows this, hates this but is drawn to it. Anyway, he told me that there were separated and getting a divorce. They are not as separated as he led me to believe. He has likely been lying to her also. Even though I know that it would not end well, I want to call her and tell her what has been going on and she can make her own decision... .

He encouraged me to make life changes to be with him.

I don't know Narkiss... .you're the only one who knows all the context. Ponder all the possible consequences before taking a decision

[nona]

I am someone who DID contact an ex.

The ex I contacted had been out of UBPD's life for 22 years.

Ex's agreeing to speak with me ended up being one of the most validating experiences of my recovery.

She had been so damaged from a 2 year marriage to Mr. UBPD it took her 20 years to trust someone enough to enter a relationship.

UBPD had ex suicidal after 2 years of marriage.

Ex kept gasping in the telephone conversation to hear I stayed 10 years and what that entailed as well as sharing a child with UBPD.

Ex is very encouraging , supporting and validating.

Ex kept saying "I can't believe how strong you must be to have stayed 10 years and had a baby with him and are still alive and sane.

Now THATS validation. I needed it tremendously , and to this day, it helps me stay in realty.

Also very sad to realize how much damage I exposed myself and our child to.

[Fr4nz]

Thanks nona

Another further proof that contacting an ex's ex can be a very validating experience.

[cj488]

Very interesting topic, though not one I'll likely do myself as my last BpdGf was a relatively short relationship (but also very damaging). Don't know if I'll ever trust anyone again. I did get a bit of closure for myself though when I saw a photo of her victim (shortly after me) looking absolutely like a shell of himself on Fb, after she did exactly to him what she did to me, in a matter of two months or so. He in fact looked much worse and I felt lucky to have made a boundary with her at an early stage. Poor ass. What a hell she must live, and the hell she puts everyone else through. This world needs endless healing. Good to know there are healthy folks in this world too. Now dating a really nice woman, and can never imagine going back to crazy, no matter how attractive in one way or another.

[greenmonkey]

I contacted my UBPDexgf ex husband by letter, not necessarily for closure but to make him aware of her behaviour since the relationship finished 15 months ago. He is primary carer of her 13 year old son, who she manipulates into lying for her etc and who carts up and down the country to see her various 'friends'

I sent him a 4 page letter detailing everything, from late night visits, fraudulent insurance at my address, credit and ID fraud using my name etc  The abuse I suffered which I am thinking he put up with for 10 years as a doormat, who was reliant on her financially as main breadwinner.

I left no stone unturned, it was very therapeutic for me, I told him why I ghosted and did not say goodbye to his son and gave my explanations of what actually did happen as opposed to the pathological lies he has been fed with.

I stressed that I did not want any communication with my ex and had blocked numbers, changed my email address etc and everything was on lockdown as it had been for the whole time.

If there is a backlash from my ex - I am prepared for it, but the aim was to shame her into stopping the stalking etc as she had been exposed to her ex husband who hold a lot of power over her with regards to her son.

Time will tell with this whether or not it was the right thing to do, but I felt in his sons interest he had to be aware of the state of her mind - if he does not know already.

[Fr4nz]

I contacted my UBPDexgf ex husband by letter, not necessarily for closure but to make him aware of her behaviour since the relationship finished 15 months ago. He is primary carer of her 13 year old son, who she manipulates into lying for her etc and who carts up and down the country to see her various 'friends'

I sent him a 4 page letter detailing everything, from late night visits, fraudulent insurance at my address, credit and ID fraud using my name etc  The abuse I suffered which I am thinking he put up with for 10 years as a doormat, who was reliant on her financially as main breadwinner.

I left no stone unturned, it was very therapeutic for me, I told him why I ghosted and did not say goodbye to his son and gave my explanations of what actually did happen as opposed to the pathological lies he has been fed with.

I stressed that I did not want any communication with my ex and had blocked numbers, changed my email address etc and everything was on lockdown as it had been for the whole time.

If there is a backlash from my ex - I am prepared for it, but the aim was to shame her into stopping the stalking etc as she had been exposed to her ex husband who hold a lot of power over her with regards to her son.

Time will tell with this whether or not it was the right thing to do, but I felt in his sons interest he had to be aware of the state of her mind - if he does not know already.

Keep us informed aboutn the outcome, this is very interesting.

[greenmonkey]

I thought I would update this.

I have had no unwanted visits but :

my uBPDexgf visited my parents a few weeks ago. She did this last year at the same time.

I had a text from an unknown number asking why I had not turned to my dog grooming appointment - never booked one, no idea and did not respond

I had a FB view from someone in the same area as my daughters uni. We are very close and I forewarned her that she was around her area or had forged links to where my daughter was at uni.

I was informed by my daughter that she was 99% certain she saw my uBPDexgf on her campus. Apparently working, she said unmistakable bone structure, walk, jeans etc fairly certain it was her

All of this has been in the last 3-4 weeks - I know I am at the start of her trigger season, as the same happened last year and it is easy to look back on my records of her events and actions on dates.

18 months later and she is still as active and interested in my life and trying to connect to me in any way possible   

[balletomane]

I don't feel comfortable contacting any exes of my ex, as I already know things ended badly with them and I doubt they'd be happy to hear from me. However, there is someone I might try to contact - an old high school friend of his whom he described as his best friend when he got to know me. A couple of years later, he was telling me she was this terrible evil person, and she was gone from his life. I was bemused. But I do know that this woman later made a public post on Facebook saying she'd seen lots of her friends wishing him a happy birthday and she wanted people to know he was abusive. At the time I thought this just proved his story about her - what kind of person acts like that? Now I think I know the answer: a person who was as hurt as I was, but who is just more open about her emotions.

I've drafted a message but I'm really worried about hitting 'send'. We've got two mutual friends, who both also know my ex, and it's a small world. I'm worried it might get back to him on the grapevine. I've never met this woman, what if she doesn't respect my confidentiality? I am trying to decide if the potential benefit is worth the risk... .

[Hadlee]

I thought I would update this.

I have had no unwanted visits but :

my uBPDexgf visited my parents a few weeks ago. She did this last year at the same time.

I had a text from an unknown number asking why I had not turned to my dog grooming appointment - never booked one, no idea and did not respond

I had a FB view from someone in the same area as my daughters uni. We are very close and I forewarned her that she was around her area or had forged links to where my daughter was at uni.

I was informed by my daughter that she was 99% certain she saw my uBPDexgf on her campus. Apparently working, she said unmistakable bone structure, walk, jeans etc fairly certain it was her

All of this has been in the last 3-4 weeks - I know I am at the start of her trigger season, as the same happened last year and it is easy to look back on my records of her events and actions on dates.

18 months later and she is still as active and interested in my life and trying to connect to me in any way possible   

My former friend has recently resurfaced with her "stalking" as well.  It doesn't seem as though they lose interest at all, does it?  They go from direct contact to indirect contact and sneaking around.  Quite creepy really.

With the Facebook view - how can you tell who has viewed the page?  I didn't know that was possible, and to know where the person is located?

[greenmonkey]

What bothers me - and always will is her pattern is to try and use my daughter to get to me. Luckily my daughter is very clued up and won't let it happen. She has tried fake accounts, no caller id's you name it to try and engage my daughter. It just shows they don't give up and are relentless in pursuing the one that got away.

If you look on people you may know on FB - anyone who is on top of the list, no mutual friends - is more than likely to have checked your profile out. Obviously if you have mutual friends then to me it is irrelevant. To find out where they are, all depends on who much info is public and not locked down or else if there is a big concern than google is your friend.

It was part of my job for many years - tracing and tracking people doing background checks etc so my knowledge is pretty good - which has helped in all this.

[once removed]

ive heard that, but i see no evidence of it. theres virtually know one whos name i even know, in the who i may know section. nothing but friends of friends. in fact my ex, who im willing to bet checks my facebook on occasion, is nowhere to be found on the list. it may differ for everyone, but my friends report the same.

But I do know that this woman later made a public post on Facebook saying she'd seen lots of her friends wishing him a happy birthday and she wanted people to know he was abusive. At the time I thought this just proved his story about her - what kind of person acts like that? Now I think I know the answer: a person who was as hurt as I was, but who is just more open about her emotions.

I've drafted a message but I'm really worried about hitting 'send'. We've got two mutual friends, who both also know my ex, and it's a small world. I'm worried it might get back to him on the grapevine. I've never met this woman, what if she doesn't respect my confidentiality? I am trying to decide if the potential benefit is worth the risk... .

i know a person who acts like that, i unfollowed her. it sounds to me like your gut was telling you something. her respecting your confidentiality is a real risk; i speak from similar experience.

[steelwork]

My former friend has recently resurfaced with her "stalking" as well.  It doesn't seem as though they lose interest at all, does it?  They go from direct contact to indirect contact and sneaking around.  Quite creepy really.

With the Facebook view - how can you tell who has viewed the page?  I didn't know that was possible, and to know where the person is located?

I gotta ask again, what is so creepy or abnormal about looking at someone's facebook page? The whole idea of stalking has been so watered down that I sometimes feel like it doesn't have much meaning anymore. Stalking used to mean specifically a kind of activity that makes someone feel threatened. Do you really feel threatened by someone looking you up on social media? I'd say, from informal evidence, that most of the people here at least think about doing stuff like that. I looked at my ex's linked in page a week or so ago. Am I an abnormal, stalking creep? No, I'm a person with unresolved feelings. So might "they" be. They they they... .sometimes all this "they" talk really gets me down.

[FannyB]

I gotta ask again, what is so creepy or abnormal about looking at someone's facebook page? The whole idea of stalking has been so watered down that I sometimes feel like it doesn't have much meaning anymore. Stalking used to mean specifically a kind of activity that makes someone feel threatened. Do you really feel threatened by someone looking you up on social media? I'd say, from informal evidence, that most of the people here at least think about doing stuff like that. I looked at my ex's linked in page a week or so ago. Am I an abnormal, stalking creep? No, I'm a person with unresolved feelings. So might "they" be. They they they... .sometimes all this "they" talk really gets me down.

Totally agree Steelwork. Stalking is following someone, parking outside their house etc - not being curious on Facebook.    If people don't want to be seen they will adjust their privacy settings appropriately. We have to be careful that we are not missing the drama of a BPD relationship and looking to create something that is really not there to replace it.

On the 'they' front, 'they' are just human beings. Unless they are the most extreme manifestations of pwBPD then they represent no real danger to anyone but themselves. We need to stop making them into bogeymen - unless they really merit that tag.


Fanny

[sweet tooth]

I've thought about doing this. The only ex I know how to contact is her ex-husband, and they have a child together. Making contact could potentially have catastrophic consequences. I don't want the kid to get hurt anymore than what she already has/will be from having a BPD mother... .

[Herodias]

PS: I'd also guess that most of the BPD's exes that lived the BPD horrible cycle will be glad to share their stories and hear they were not the dysfunctional element in the r/s; also, they'll be fairly happy and curious to hear there was something horribly and distinctly wrong in the BPD's personality. All in all it can be a win-win situation, since you'll give them closure as well (if they didn't have one or they didn't figure out precisely what happened).

Good for you... .I think it is very validating to find out that it wasn't you... .Unfortunately for me, I am the first ex of a long term marriage with him. He had high school gf's and one live in that was drug addict, so I don't count those as people to know anything from. I know she was a drug addict as his parents told me.  I suppose I will be happy to be contacted in the future if I can find out his next life isn't as grand as he is making it out to be. I just don't know if she would dare ask after having an affair with him. I did tell my husbands girlfriends ex-husband about my husband after I first found out they were getting divorced, but he never responded and I don't know if it would have ever gotten to her family.