I had a bad day today.

[Fox Mulder]

Nothing went my way. I woke up late, slipped in the shower, missed the bus, had a panic attack while giving a presentation, had my order get messed up in the drive-through, got home with a huge headache, and now I'm lonely. I've texted a few of my friends and gotten some of my frustration off my chest, but I just don't feel like they care all that much. Which I guess is okay. Nothing terribly awful happened today, it was just an endless procession of little things going wrong.

To cap it all off, I find myself missing my ex. She would listen attentively to all of my rambles and rants, play with my hair, and help restore my self-esteem. No matter what I had been through that day, after making love and cuddling with her for a while, I felt a lot better. Nobody has had that effect on me since she left me. Either she was fooling me (and maybe herself) into thinking she really cared about me, or I lost the ability to trust in other people's earnestness after the breakup. Whatever the case, I find myself missing something that wasn't healthy or real, for what seems like the hundredth time. It's frustrating. I don't want to miss any aspect of our relationship anymore, not after I've learned so much about BPD.  

I'm trying to get better at being happy by myself but it's really hard for me. Especially on days like these where it doesn't seem like a single okay thing has happened.

[StillRecovering]

Hey Fox,

There are going to be tough days like this.  It does sound like you couldn't catch a break today.  Days like today are likely going to be when you miss your ex the most because you are the most vulnerable. 

Whatever the case, I find myself missing something that wasn't healthy or real, for what seems like the hundredth time. It's frustrating. I don't want to miss any aspect of our relationship anymore, not after I've learned so much about BPD. 

You really articulated yourself well here.  You are missing something that wasn't healthy or real.  Maybe this reframing will help: You miss the way the relationship made you feel, but not the relationship itself. 

I don't think you were fooled.  She did care about you.  But she has a severe disorder that makes sustaining a healthy relationship near-impossible. 

In the long run you know that you are better without her and you will find someone else who makes you feel that way, but also provides a healthy and nurturing relationship.  Hang in there bud.

[peace74]

Sorry you had such a bad day.  I know that when I am having a hard time or a rough day I miss my ex too.  Let's face it, partners are there for you and even if it's not perfect they bring a sense of security and make you feel not so alone in the world.  

I don't think she was fooling you or herself that she really cared about you.  It's so hard and confusing to understand this and still make sense of their behavior or end of a relationship.  I know that the way my ex discarded me after 8 yrs made it very hard to hold onto anything that was good in the relationship.  I have with time started to be able to think about the good times and love we did share without it killing me inside.  I have to remind myself that he can't control the disorder.

Anyway, stay strong and always remind yourself that tomorrow is a new day to feel better!  

[Fox Mulder]

Thank you both. I really appreciate your kind words. I hope I can meet someone who can make me feel those feelings again.

[Driver]

I'm sorry you went through all this.

May I suggest you a movie?

The Party with Peter Sellers. 

[C.Stein]

Thank you both. I really appreciate your kind words. I hope I can meet someone who can make me feel those feelings again.

You will.  Believe in yourself and allow yourself to trust and love again.

[bdyw8]

I'm trying to get better at being happy by myself but it's really hard for me. Especially on days like these where it doesn't seem like a single okay thing has happened.

Hey Fox, you're not alone, I struggle SO much with this as well.  I'm having a really down and depressing two days myself after I was feeling better for about a week.  I'm realizing and getting intensive counselling right now on the realization that I just can't be happy unless I have constant external validation from others.  So it's REALLY uncomfortable for me right now, being single, just a month and half after the last merry-go-round with my exBPD and NC.  Usually I would be on dating websites chatting with women, going on dates, etc. to keep my mind occupied but this time, I decided not to do that and to try and finally deal with my issues of abandonment/attachment/codependency, etc.

So I totally get how you feel!  "This too shall pass... ."

I miss my exBPD helping comfort me as well on bad days.  But when I really think about it, the last year or two, she didn't like hearing my stuff or being supportive anymore.  Usually ended up in a fight where I was crying and asking her why she had changed so much and didn't support me the way she used to.  Then I would be accused of being insane or crazy for just wanting some support.  

So I truly believe the universe wants me to be alone right now.   To go through this pain and learn to be comfortable within my own skin.  To maybe stay away from the opposite sex for a while so I don't continue my toxic cycle of attracting sick people into my life.  

Maybe you and I are on the same path right now... .