My Wife

[Cyrus304]

Unfortunately, I could not find a local support group in my area, so I turned to the internet.

My wife has BPD, and our marriage is in a state of hell I have never experienced before. After last night, I was at my breaking point. The fights simply go round and round with no end. And no matter how logical or rational I felt I was being, I simply could make no head way.

I felt like no matter what I did, I could not win. It was never good enough, or if I did what she asked, suddenly there were "qualifications" that would invalidate the process. We had the same fights and arguments over and over, and they went from weekly, to daily, to almost hourly.

What I have read the past few hours (on multiple BPD sites) has made me rethink my approach to the matter. In the past, I heard what she was saying, and would argue it because what she was saying was not logical or factual. But now I'm reading to look past the words she uses, and instead focus on the feelings behind those words. In a sense, I now understand why she would always complain that I was not listening to her. I was, but I focused on what she said, not why she said it.

I am trying a new approach today. Instead of getting defensive when she gets agitated, I will instead try to focus on what is causing the agitation. I will try to validate her feelings, but I also refuse to sit and argue. 

Anyway, I am hoping that I can connect with others in similar situations, and hopefully learn ways to deal with and hopefully overcome some of these problems and issues.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[sweetheart]

Hello and welcome Cyrus304,

Welcome to bpdfamily.

Here you definitely will be able to connect and share with people who will understand what's going on for you. So I'm really glad you found us because we will be able to offer support and guidance that can help you overcome the problems and issues you face.

Sounds like you're off to really great start in understanding that arguing and often just responding logically to your w is not working. Many of us including myself will recognise that state of hell that can arise from never ending circular arguments and conversations. These type of interactions are something that are particular to BPD. You've also identified that what your w is looking for is validation of how and why she feels as she does. This is absolutely right, this is what she is looking for.

I can hear from what you wrote that you don't want to continue arguing anymore, but want to listen and validate. This is a great place for you start to reduce conflict and diffuse tensions between you.

The first skill I used from here was something called JADE. It is an acronym for Justify,Argue,Defend,Explain. I loved it's simplicity because it serves to remind you that this is what you must not do, because invariably how your w is feeling is not about you. I understand that it feels like it probably is, but she is looking for some help to just acknowledge how she is feeling.

JADE and validation can be very powerful when used together. It sounds like you have already accessed some of the reading resources. What you are focusing on as a starting point is really positive.

Keep posting and let us know how you are managing. Someone is always here to listen. If you want to read instead of talk there are some amazing resources available through the site as well.

[Cyrus304]

Thanks sweetheart. I have read some of the other accounts on here... .some are similar and some are different.

We moved in together a few months ago, and married recently. So while I am hoping that validation and JADE help, My fear is that now that we live together, her BPD may change. Or rather her triggers.

Before, she was very clingy and needy. But I did not mind too much. She still tells me daily how much she loves me. But now suddenly she needs time where "it is all about me". And frankly, that scares me. At times it is about her and not us. Yet if I back off and give her space, that separation anxiety comes out.

(Anyway, I think by "all about me" means that she gets her way on some issue regardless of my feelings on the matter.)

[sweetheart]

Hi Cyrus304,

Her BPD triggers might change and shift now that you are living together. This push/pull dynamic is also part of the illness. Too close, she will feel engulfed, too far, she will feel abandoned. Try this link about this aspect of the illness it might help with your w, it's from this site and is other members discussing their experiences, https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=99725.0

What will be important for you to do is to try and stay grounded and not shift with her, otherwise this will wear you down and it will be hard to know which way is up.

I can hear that her needing you before you moved in together is something you perhaps miss. Your w will need time to settle into living with you as you will her. Even without BPD, marrying and moving in together can be a very stressful time.

If you can spend time reading around this illness it might help you understand how the illness presents itself within a relationship. I didn't really understand what was happening with my h so I kept reacting to my h's every mood swing in an attempt to make him feel better. What became important to me was looking after myself better, realising that I had to tend to my needs, finding a balance is important with this illness.

Has your w been diagnosed BPD, if so does she have a psychiatrist or a therapist? Is this something you would consider for yourself?

Can you say more about what you mean about your w getting her own way regardless of how you feel, what happens?

[Cyrus304]

I'm lucky in that she has been diagnosed and realizes she has it. Unfortunately, I made many mistakes over the years because I did not understand this illness. She sees a psychiatrist like once a month, but that is usually just to renew her meds. I don't know if they really talk much now about her BPD.

As for being "just about her", I'm not sure yet. That has just started in the past week or two. My dog died recently, and a few days later we had a fight about what size of dog to get when I am ready to find a new one. (I had a German Sheppard and want another. She wants a lap dog. But it will be some time before I'm ready.) It came up then.

Also, we have been fighting lately because when I bought a house and she moved in, she moved to a new town. (15 miles away.) I told her from the start that I have a son in high school and I would NOT be moving out of my town. She initially agreed and said it did not matter. Now it has become a source of contention... .months after the fact.

I know she is worried about her 4 year old and her ability to get him to a day care and pre school. She also moved away from her parents. (Who lived one block over from her before she moved.) I'm guessing that is what is causing the fights about moving to start now. At first I told her that she knew going in I was NOT moving and she made the decision to move here of her own free will. Needless to say, she doesn't want to hear that now. 

I stopped by her office today and dropped her off lunch. So far, the validation seems to have worked. By paying attention not to what she says but why she says it, things seemed to have improved. I hope and pray it continues.