I need help a reality check please :(

[taniasofia]

Hello all,

I was in a relationship with a BPD for 5 years. I will not blame it all on my xBPD. we were both at fault. As time went on, I changed by ways and she became worst. (manipulations the lies. ) We has a cycle of breakup and makeup through out the 5 years. I was 18 and she was 17 when we started dating. Last summer, in one of our breakups, she ended up with one of our friends!that was heartbreaking. I thought we had our ups and downs but that the emotional infidelity was not a part of it. NEVER SAY NEVER! well after three months, I thought i also had fault in what had happened so i tried looking for her. We got back together and three moths later the same thing happened! she left with the same person. I told her that that relationship would not last because that girl had a history of being abusive in her relationships! she didnt listen to me, of course why would she. A month later, when i have been working on myself and have chosen to move on with my life, she decides to look for me. I had also mentioned her BPD from the last time we got back together.

This last time, when she 1st messaged me, I asked her what was different this time? i told her that i already knew the scripts and how the cycle went. she told me things that she experienced with that girl made her realize what she really had and that she just wantst to make things better and hopes that is not too late. She told me she would make an appointment to see a therapist because she wants to work oh herself to have a stable relationship with me. i told her its hard to believe anything that comes out of her mouth! She said well i will prove to you that i am etc. eetc. i told her she had to do it on her own and that i could not be there to help her. she said that she doesnt want to lose me that she didnt see then what she sees now.

Other than her making that appintment i think all of this is plain bull___! i think she just wants to drag me back in! can her change be possible? I need opinions and reality checks!

to be honest i dont know why she came back! :,( i love her to death and im very afraid of falling back and getting hurt again!  

Can she get better? is she serious? it was just a month of no contact. she says she will prove to me. im lost!

[joeramabeme]

Hi taniasofia

I understand the questions you are raising - it can be very difficult to see whether our internal feelings are really justified in the face of someone questioning them so deeply and particularly when there is a strong romantic attraction to that person.

It seems to me that the question you are asking isn't so much as to whether or not you question your ex's ability to get better in 1-months time as much as; do you trust your own perceptions about the same, yes?

We all experience this internal self-doubt, it is a very common trait for those of us who are non-BPDs.  It might be helpful to think of the self-doubt as a hook that snags the edge of a sweater we are wearing. We feel held back and so start to pull and then the sweater begins to unravel the harder we try and get it free.  But, if we would stop and remove the source of the snag, the sweater would stay whole and relatively undamaged.  

In this metaphor WE are the sweater and the hook is the self-doubt.  If we just accept that there is a hook and detach, we move on relatively unscathed.  It is when we think we can yank away what we are stuck on that WE unravel.

LOL!  Perhaps I got too carried away with the metaphor, hopefully it makes sense.  In simple English, free yourself by trusting what you perceive, it is not by chance that you are wondering.  Or at the very minimum, provide yourself with some firm boundaries that you adhere to.

[Lonely_Astro]

I'll chime in on this.  My ex is diagnosed, medicated, and (allegedly still) in DBT (sept 2015).

We were together 4mo, 4 years ago.  She wasn't diagnosed then, that came at the end of our r/s.  We were NC (work together) for 3 years.  We reconnected after that time because she said all the same things yours has to me.  She seemed totally different and told me that she had been to "serious therapy" to manage her BPD (I specifically asked if it was DBT, she said it had been. Guess what?  That was a lie).

Fast forward a year and we've ended. It's been a whirlwind, I won't rehash it here.  I just wanted to set up what I'm about to say next:

Can they get better?  Maybe.  The only therapy that shows any promising results is DBT.  Even that isn't a magic bullet and has a 50/50 chance.  DBT is intensive.  It takes YEARS for them to show any tangible improvement and that's if they do the work, stay committed, and do the work.  50% drop out.  Out of the remaining half, 20% backslide and don't manage their disorder.  The remaining 80% show improvement enough to not be classified BPD under DSM standards, but can relapse under certain stressors.  BPD isn't "curable", it's "manageable".  Higher functioning BPs seem to show less of a chance of manageability.  There are no medications that "cure" or "treat" BPD, btw.

So asking if they can change, the short answer is yes, depending on how you classify the word "change".  Some can lead productive lives through DBT.  Otherwise, what I feel you're seeing is someone who "feels" better, but will slip backward and deregulate as the r/s unfolds. 

You have to decide if this is worth it to you or not.  Chances are, she is still who you remember her to be.  Oh, and if she's saying she wants to go to therapy for you, it's really just a false presentation of "change".  This may or may not be intentional on the BPs part.  They are all individuals.  Not all BPDs are crummy people just like not all crummy people are BPDs. 

My blunt advice?  Stay away.  I took a second bite at the apple and it wasn't worth it. Work on yourself and stay away from her.