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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: Will I ever get better?  (Read 1245 times)
Itstopsnow
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« on: February 14, 2016, 09:33:10 AM »

It's close to 100 days of NC. And I'm still thinking about him all the time. I research everything I can on BPD. And when I'm feeling bad it does seem to calm me down. But my therapist and family and friends say I need to stop researching it and they say I shouldn't go on this site either. They think I need to let go and focus on me. It's so hard. Logically I know I'm better off. He did and said terrible things to me. He abused me horribly. Verbally, emotionally and he serial cheated on me while pretending to be this virtuous guy. He was the biggest hypocrite I know. Saying sex isn't that important . Acting like he was above most guys out there. Makes me sick how he played up the nice guy act. Saying sex is such a small part of the relationship. And I remember wanting to have sex more than once one day. It was later in the day. And we had sex earlier. And I was wanting more affection. He said "come on honey sex again we aren't animals". Yet, he was having sex with many people. It breaks my heart to have to live with what he did . And yet there are times I still miss him. I feel like a fool to even admit that. It was nothing but an abusive relationship. Sure he was nice at times and we had fun, but he didn't act that way because he genuinely loved me or cared for me. He was happy and had fun at those times so it was pleasing to him. It was always about him and what he wanted. Why can't I just forget the hurt and let him go.? I didn't have it as bad as some, I got out in 18 months, he didn't hit me yet... .And I have no ties to him. I should be rejoicing! It could of been worse. I try to remember he is sick and would of done this and has done this to every person he is with. But it doesn't help. He made me feel like I was so beautiful and loved for so long. And I guess knowing it was all just part of his sickness makes me sad. 
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fromheeltoheal
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Relationship status: Broken up, I left her
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« Reply #1 on: February 14, 2016, 09:51:59 AM »

Hey Itstopsnow-

100 days isn't very long after 18 months, and I was exactly where you are, thinking exactly what you're thinking, at 100 days.  The thing about this site is we all understand, and it is very difficult to understand if you haven't been there; it's up to you to decide if you're getting value or just prolonging things by being here, your family and friends most likely want the best for you, and they don't understand what it's like if they haven't been there.  Your therapist might understand better, and up to you to decide if he's validating and has information and support that you can use and if you trust him/her.

One thing to try immediately is your language.  Your username here is good, it stops now, that's the sound of someone taking their power back.  But how about this thread: "Will I ever get better?"; can you rephrase that in a way that is empowering?

Like maybe:

What things are better than they were 100 days ago?

How awesome will my life be once I learn the lessons that are in front of me now?

What's better today than yesterday?

Or even "I wonder how long it will take to detach fully".  A casual wondering, living in the moment, and presupposing that you will detach fully, that's not negotiable.

For practice, how could you take your other question
Excerpt
"Why can't I just forget the hurt and let him go.?"

and reframe it in an empowering way?
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Lonely_Astro
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« Reply #2 on: February 14, 2016, 10:38:08 AM »

I understand what you're feeling, itstopsnow.  I find myself being hung up on J.  It's all part of the grieving process.  One of the most annoying things J said to me recently was "I wasn't as bad as you thought I was.  Hopefully one day you can see that."  But you know what?  That's her projecting her wants onto me.  Because, in fact, she was 'bad'.  She constantly and consistently lied to me, cheated on me and misdirected... .all the while telling me I was the only one in her life. 

We like to blame a lot of their behavior on their disorders.  Sometimes it is, but the disorder can't be solely blamed.  There are horrible people out there.  I refuse to believe that all BPDs are bad people, just like I refuse to believe all nons are good people.  With that said, your ex wasn't (and isn't) a good person.  Neither is J.  As time passes, I realize I let a rattlesnake into my sleeping bag, so why am I surprised it bit me?  After all, I knew her history.  I've never known her to be faithful to any of her lovers.  So why did I think I'd be different?  Hope.  She made many claims to me, none were true.  Now, she's telling me about how open, honest, and basically committed to the new guy she is.  Maybe she will be... .for awhile.  The day will come he'll do (or not do) something that triggers her and he'll be devalued, DBT or not. 

But, even with me knowing all that, I still miss her.  Today's Valentine's Day and she's heavy on my mind.  Just thinking about how great their day together is, it makes me sick.  So what is it about her that keeps me in a loop?  Addiction.  I want that passion, that attention, and that connection again.  But it was all so unsustainable.  I was in a r/s with someone who loved me soo much that it burnt her out.  But it wasn't love in how a normal adult loves.  It was unhealthy.  It was toxic. And there lies the rub.

You're r/s was toxic.  It was unhealthy.  And it couldn't last, not matter how much you feel/felt that it should've.  Think about what you would have been like 3,5,10 years from now if you had still been with him.  What kind of quality of life would you have had?  That's what I do when I get really fixated on J.  This past year with her was just a single year.  But thinking about it, it felt like 5 because there was always some sort of drama going on.  I also know it's only a matter of time before L understands he's in the breech with J.  Even if she's committed 100% right now to L, which she fully believes, it will not last.  Right now is the key phrase.  Like yours (and mine), that r/s is unsustainable and neither can see it, right now.

Don't be hard on yourself. You're trauma bonded to your ex.  You're grieving to.  He was real to you, just like J was real to me.  Unfortunately, our reality wasn't and isn't the same as theirs.  J once said to me recently that she felt I had been lying and using her most of this year.  Assuming that was true (it wasn't, btw), why did she keep going with me?  Ultimatley, that was her excuse to me to do what she had done. You see, it was my fault she did those things to me.  Not once did she express anything like that to me.  Did she feel that way?  Maybe. 

Do you really want to be with someone that you'll have to always look over your shoulder with?  I don't.  Would I have had to do that with J?  Yes.  L will have to as well, but right now love is blind for him.  He feels like he's won the lottery.  She's so open, so committed, and he feels on top of the world.  I know because I was there once.  He seems like a bit of a pushover, so he'll probably be with her longer, so what's his real quality of life going to be like?  As recent as this past week, J told me she "misses me, all of me" and that she "loved me forever and always" and she was unsure of her wants/desires with me.  Supposedly L knew she was talking to me and wanted to meet me. He supposedly knew everything she's said to me and I her because she "doesn't lie or hide anything from him."  Do I think that's true?  No.  And if it is, why is he accepting that sort of behavior when they've proclaimed they're "head over heels for each other"?  Maybe his boundaries aren't defined.  I don't know. Sorry, got on a tangent there.

Take care of yourself, itstopsnow. You're on the path to recovery and setbacks are ok. They happen. You're processing your feelings and that's not wrong.
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Welgrow
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« Reply #3 on: February 14, 2016, 11:34:25 AM »

Hey,

I really relate to everything you posted. I'm in a similar space but simply a few days into NC, and having second thoughts about keeping her number blocked (especially on Valentine's Day). I just want you to know that I relate, and I understand the struggle and embarrassment for still loving a cheater.

And I like the concept of reframing thoughts and statements into empowering verbiage. It seems like great exercise to retrain my internal dialogue. Thanks fromheeltoheal.
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Watso21
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« Reply #4 on: February 14, 2016, 11:35:04 AM »

Mine just came back after 3 year of NC. she had been ringing me over the years & not speaking, just to hear my voice she said. and this while with another man & pretending to all she was so happy, 6 month later, she has gone again and i am receiving the infamous silent treatment once more.

so dont let it torture your mind that everything is all sunshine with your ex. you miss them badly and the affection, you doubt yourself and wonder if you did enough, but i dont think any of us can do enough.

but they never seem to let you go completely, I think they need to know your still there if they need to fall back on you. its the fear of abandonment, lining you up in case they need you.

but is it love. no, i dont think so anymore, just part of their condition.

dont blame them or judge them, with time, we heal, they never will.

we cant see how they view the world or the intensity of the emotions they feel.

i have lived this for 10 year now and was recovering nicely until she returned. now i am in pain again.

if any part of you feels you can let go, do it. coz it never changes and some of us are now stuck with it & no way out
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Itstopsnow
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« Reply #5 on: February 14, 2016, 02:06:35 PM »

Thank you everyone, those were some great tips and advise and thank you for relating . It's so hard. I really do want to just let go of the hurt and move on. I feel like I relive the things I know he has done to me in my mind daily. Then I think about the good times. And then I realize he is sick. There will never be a full understanding of who he was and what he did because it isn't normal healthy behavior . It really crushes your spirit . I have to try and look at all the blessings I have in my life without having him here. I agree in 5 or 10 years if I stayed I wouldn't be able to function. The abuse would of gotten worse I'm sure. It kills me knowing he didn't care what he was doing to me. It didn't phase him at all. It thought too much of his own wants and needs and desires . I get upset that I miss this guy who has such a lousy character . Who he showed me wasn't the whole story. And as his masked slipped off more and more I saw more anger, and hostility. But part of my heart has a literal pain and deep ache in it. There was nothing I wouldn't of done for this guy. I did so much and he just didn't care how he was treating in return. I am so glad I'm nothing like him. I would be ashamed of myself if I was.
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steelwork
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« Reply #6 on: February 14, 2016, 03:08:37 PM »

Thinking back to 100 days out. I was still in pretty rough shape. Had forced myself on a few dates, slept with one guy, it was disappointing and made me cry. Still having heart palpitations when I drove past our spots, like a bench where we sat one night and watched the night traffic. There was a lot of brave self-talk that felt like lies. I was still 50% convinced I could fix things if he'd just reach out.

I was obsessively querying a stupid online magic 8 ball about him.

Did he think of me today?

Will he call on my birthday?

Does he love me?

Does he love her?

Did he love me more than he loves her?

Did he ever really love me?

I haven't magic 8 balled in ages now. I don't know what the question "did he love me" even means anymore. I'm 99.9% sure I could not have fixed things (there's always room for .1% doubt). I'm not out of the woods but not wrecked anymore.

I've turned my gaze mostly inward. His dysfunction is now mostly interesting to me as a clue to my own nature.

Progress? Yes, progress.

At 100 days I had days of real despair, because I though I should be further along. Now I'm not really putting a time table on it.

Courage, friend.
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steelwork
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« Reply #7 on: February 14, 2016, 03:14:27 PM »

P.S. He didn't call on my birthday. Hah!
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Driver
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« Reply #8 on: February 14, 2016, 03:19:12 PM »

Still having heart palpitations when I drove past our spots, like a bench where we sat one night and watched the night traffic.

I feel you  :'(
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Driver
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« Reply #9 on: February 14, 2016, 03:19:55 PM »

P.S. He didn't call on my birthday. Hah!

Happy 89th birthday!   Smiling (click to insert in post)
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Lonely_Astro
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« Reply #10 on: February 14, 2016, 03:34:23 PM »

P.S. He didn't call on my birthday. Hah!

Happy 89th birthday!   Smiling (click to insert in post)

89th is fun... .but wait until your 111th!  HUGE party awaits... .
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Driver
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« Reply #11 on: February 14, 2016, 03:37:03 PM »

P.S. He didn't call on my birthday. Hah!

Happy 89th birthday!   Smiling (click to insert in post)

89th is fun... .but wait until your 111th!  HUGE party awaits... .

She's 89, but she looks like 111, so I think she knows 
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steelwork
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« Reply #12 on: February 15, 2016, 12:07:43 AM »

P.S. He didn't call on my birthday. Hah!

Happy 89th birthday!    

89th is fun... .but wait until your 111th!  HUGE party awaits... .

She's 89, but she looks like 111, so I think she knows  

don "driver" rickles over here bustin my chops again
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