My BPD Mother (and intro)

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi,

I have a mother with BPD, although she has not officially been diagnosed (nor will that ever happen - as everyone else has the problem).  Anyways, at the age of 43, after quitting smoking (something clicked in me - and some anxiety issues from childhood started to come up for the first time at a deep level).  And I started talking to my sister - as well as a counsellor - and things started to fall into place (especially after my sister referred me to a couple of articles that made perfect sense with respect to our childhood and my mother).  I finally gave up the myth that I had been told all of my life that my mother and father were perfect, wonderful, amazing parents who were always there for me at a deep level and loved me unconditionally.  Because, they weren't.  I grew up with a lot of the gaslighting, push-pull, everything was always about her, raging (she used to drive like a maniac if we didn't do exactly what she wanted as kids - but we never knew what that meant - as the goalposts always moved).  We moved quite a few times - and she was never happy with anywhere.  But she always blamed something else - the place - her kids - the church etc. etc.  To the outsider - my mother always seemed like the perfect mother - and she played that to a perfection - but to an insider - we never knew what to expect from one day to the next.  She was suicidal once (from memory - but I have blocked out so much of my childhood - that I can't remember a lot of stuff).  She also threatened to call the Police on numerous occasions if there was ever an argument - or to throw us out of the house or stuff like that.  etc. etc. etc.  I feel sorry for her now more than anything - as I can finally see what was the issue.  WOW, it took me long enough :D  (although I am now aware that it is quite common for people not to realize this stuff until they get to my stage of life).

Even now when I talk to her - it is always about her.  And I can never quietly disagree with her - or she starts her tantrums or changes the topic or ignores me or whatever.  I was never able to have my own opinion growing up - unless it coincided with her opinion of course.  This whole discovery thing is only very recent (couple of weeks ago), so there is a lot of anger and hurt and I am grieving - more on that later.

Anyways, the most important thing is that I finally realized what was going on all of these years recently - and things are just starting to add up after all of these years!  I am still struggling through the process of grief (but have a sister who is supporting me at distance), but am just really glad to have found this community and start to get some understanding of many things in my life, including the anxiety, struggle to trust people etc.

We moved around a lot as a kid (3 different countries) - and I am currently living overseas.  I have started to draw some boundaries with my BPD mother (only at a prelim stage) - which includes (unfortunately) not sharing my real self - and being superficial via email - as that is the only way that I can move on.  I still have a lot to think about how I will set boundaries for my own sanity.

For so long, I regarded her as my confidant on and off - and while she has been there for me many times - I have inherited some not healthy ways of coping with stuff and looking at life (also from childhood).  Most importantly, I am finally starting to realize and see these things for what they are - the first step towards recovery (I guess) .  And one more thing - I was labelled as the "angry one" and my sister was labelled as the "crazy one" - which still is used to this day.  Up until recently, I kept fighting against this stereotype in my immediate family (from my mother - who likes to keep using this with my sisters) until I finally realized that it wasn't my problem.  It doesn't matter what I do or am - it has nothing to do with me.  It is all about projection - and is their issue, not mine.  Trying to prove them wrong (which I guess I have been trying to do subconsciously for years) is the biggest waste of time ever.  Oh, and one more thing.  I also continued to date unavailable, distant women who didn't value me (similar to my mother) until very recently (about 11 months ago).  I will never again date anyone like that, so am very happy that I have finally realized this.  Oh, and I realized that blame and guilt were huge things in my family - and they still are - I will no longer accept being thrown "blame" or "guilt" that has nothing whatsoever to do with me.

Anyways, most importantly, I want to recover from this emotional abuse - that is my aim.  I know that it is a process - and for a long time - I was great at blaming others for my misfortune or unhappiness or whatever (learnt that from my BPD Mother).  Now that I have recognized this - I am moving forward slowly but surely and taking personal responsibility for my life and actions, I refuse to blame anyone else, but understand that it will take time.  

Thank you for listening.  I am really happy to have found this community where others can also relate to their experiences - and we can help each other grieve and recover!  

I am struggling quite a bit at times (perfectly normal I know), but am currently seeing a Counsellor once a week (via Skype), doing mindfulness, CBT and exercise 5 times a week (so am really trying to do everything possible .

Cheers,

Anon72

[anon72]

Hi,

I have a mother with BPD, although she has not officially been diagnosed (nor will that ever happen - as everyone else has the problem).  Anyways, at the age of 43, after quitting smoking (something clicked in me - and some anxiety issues from childhood started to come up for the first time at a deep level).  And I started talking to my sister - as well as a counsellor - and things started to fall into place (especially after my sister referred me to a couple of articles that made perfect sense with respect to our childhood and my mother).  I finally gave up the myth that I had been told all of my life that my mother and father were perfect, wonderful, amazing parents who were always there for me at a deep level and loved me unconditionally.  Because, they weren't.  I grew up with a lot of the gaslighting, push-pull, everything was always about her, raging (she used to drive like a maniac if we didn't do exactly what she wanted as kids - but we never knew what that meant - as the goalposts always moved).  We moved quite a few times - and she was never happy with anywhere.  But she always blamed something else - the place - her kids - the church etc. etc.  To the outsider - my mother always seemed like the perfect mother - and she played that to a perfection - but to an insider - we never knew what to expect from one day to the next.  She was suicidal once (from memory - but I have blocked out so much of my childhood - that I can't remember a lot of stuff).  She also threatened to call the Police on numerous occasions if there was ever an argument - or to throw us out of the house or stuff like that.  etc. etc. etc.  I feel sorry for her now more than anything - as I can finally see what was the issue.  WOW, it took me long enough :D  (although I am now aware that it is quite common for people not to realize this stuff until they get to my stage of life).

Even now when I talk to her - it is always about her.  And I can never quietly disagree with her - or she starts her tantrums or changes the topic or ignores me or whatever.  I was never able to have my own opinion growing up - unless it coincided with her opinion of course.  This whole discovery thing is only very recent (couple of weeks ago), so there is a lot of anger and hurt and I am grieving - more on that later.

Anyways, the most important thing is that I finally realized what was going on all of these years recently - and things are just starting to add up after all of these years!  I am still struggling through the process of grief (but have a sister who is supporting me at distance), but am just really glad to have found this community and start to get some understanding of many things in my life, including the anxiety, struggle to trust people etc.

We moved around a lot as a kid (3 different countries) - and I am currently living overseas.  I have started to draw some boundaries with my BPD mother (only at a prelim stage) - which includes (unfortunately) not sharing my real self - and being superficial via email - as that is the only way that I can move on.  I still have a lot to think about how I will set boundaries for my own sanity.

For so long, I regarded her as my confidant on and off - and while she has been there for me many times - I have inherited some not healthy ways of coping with stuff and looking at life (also from childhood).  Most importantly, I am finally starting to realize and see these things for what they are - the first step towards recovery (I guess) .  And one more thing - I was labelled as the "angry one" and my sister was labelled as the "crazy one" - which still is used to this day.  Up until recently, I kept fighting against this stereotype in my immediate family (from my mother - who likes to keep using this with my sisters) until I finally realized that it wasn't my problem.  It doesn't matter what I do or am - it has nothing to do with me.  It is all about projection - and is their issue, not mine.  Trying to prove them wrong (which I guess I have been trying to do subconsciously for years) is the biggest waste of time ever.  Oh, and one more thing.  I also continued to date unavailable, distant women who didn't value me (similar to my mother) until very recently (about 11 months ago).  I will never again date anyone like that, so am very happy that I have finally realized this.  Oh, and I realized that blame and guilt were huge things in my family - and they still are - I will no longer accept being thrown "blame" or "guilt" that has nothing whatsoever to do with me.

Anyways, most importantly, I want to recover from this emotional abuse - that is my aim.  I know that it is a process - and for a long time - I was great at blaming others for my misfortune or unhappiness or whatever (learnt that from my BPD Mother).  Now that I have recognized this - I am moving forward slowly but surely and taking personal responsibility for my life and actions, I refuse to blame anyone else, but understand that it will take time.  

Thank you for listening.  I am really happy to have found this community where others can also relate to their experiences - and we can help each other grieve and recover!  

I am struggling quite a bit at times (perfectly normal I know), but am currently seeing a Counsellor once a week (via Skype), doing mindfulness, CBT and exercise 5 times a week (so am really trying to do everything possible .

Cheers,

Anon72

[sheishei]

 

I´m very happy for you, finding answers means a lot. What you described is totally like my mom and i´m soo happy she´s away from me now, i went no contact with her and i have actually been able to put my thoughts in order, do everything you can to feel better and to live a healthier life that she offered you as a child/teenage/young adult

[anon72]

 Thanks Sheishei, greatly appreciated.

How long did it take for you to start to feel better and live a healthier life?  Finding answers means a lot and is a great start, you are right.

One of the things that I have been struggling with for a long time is low self esteem - much of it has to do with the childhood that I never had - even though I have "done" so many things, travelled a lot etc. (but always tried to escape from any issues without realizing - by addiction (mostly cigarettes) - or through having a girlfriend etc.).  Funny how we can do all these things, but childhood issues remain under the surface until we actually deal with them.  Especially until you actually realize what they are.

The other thing that I am struggling with is that I also feel sad and have isolated myself somewhat (as I live overseas and friendships come and go - people move on - am an expat) and noone here really understands - if that makes sense.  I haven't tried to talk to anyone - but don't have friends that are close enough to talk about this sort of stuff.  Being a guy makes it less easy.  In particular, most people think that I am still upset/dealing with a girlfriend that I broke up with last March - but I can't say otherwise.  Anyways, has anyone else had to withdraw a little to try and deal with their pain?  I do go out a bit - but end up spending quite a bit of time by myself (trying to grieve and recover).  I am extremely lucky that I have an older sister who has been through this and who is there for me - she has been amazing!  And that I found a good Counsellor that I just started working with.

Not wanting to complain or feel sorry for myself - am trying to do everything that I possibly can to try and get some meaning out of this and move on.  The only thing that scares me is that I will get stuck in this pattern.  I have worked obsessively before, smoked quite a bit etc. to try and escape stuff - but this time I am just trying to sit with it - and deal with it.  As I have finally realized what is going on - but is just incredibly painful - although nothing like what some people on this site have experienced (as I just read some stories that were at a completely different level).  

I want to change my life story and know that it is just one small step at a time, but just struggling at times - even though I know that I am working like crazy on changing my inner critic etc. etc. and all that good stuff.

Thanks for listening.

[busybee1116]

  Welcome! Many of us have had epiphanies, like you have, that our childhoods were not as ideal as we thought and our parents aren't perfect. I often wonder why it took me into my late 30s to figure it out, but grateful I did and glad I reached out to get help, support and make changes I needed to as well to live a better life. I remember reeling (still do) with the shift in perspective and I'm still grieving. It's been about 6-7 years for me now, I feel so much better now than I did then. It does take time.

Anyways, most importantly, I want to recover from this emotional abuse - that is my aim. I was great at blaming others for my misfortune or unhappiness or whatever (learnt that from my BPD Mother).  Now that I have recognized this - I am moving forward slowly but surely and taking personal responsibility for my life and actions, I refuse to blame anyone else, but understand that it will take time.  

I think this is key. YES, you need to recover from the abuse. YES, you need to take responsibility for your life and actions. It's so easy to blame! Glad you are here.

[anon72]

 Welcome! Many of us have had epiphanies, like you have, that our childhoods were not as ideal as we thought and our parents aren't perfect. I often wonder why it took me into my late 30s to figure it out, but grateful I did and glad I reached out to get help, support and make changes I needed to as well to live a better life. I remember reeling (still do) with the shift in perspective and I'm still grieving. It's been about 6-7 years for me now, I feel so much better now than I did then. It does take time.

I think this is key. YES, you need to recover from the abuse. YES, you need to take responsibility for your life and actions. It's so easy to blame! Glad you are here.

Thank you so much busybee for your understanding and encouraging words - greatly appreciated.  I am grateful that I figured it out - and even though I am reeling from all of this - will continue to reach out to get help, support and make the changes necessary to live a better life.  A big hug, thanks again.

[busybee1116]