Valentine's Day woes...

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi guys, am I the only one feeling crappier and crappier as vday draws nearer?   I've been NC for about 45 days now and my exBPD lives two blocks away from me.  The last time I went NC with her she kept coming to my place to try and talk to me.  This time, nothing.  I know I should see that as a good thing but right now I'm really struggling thinking about her as all this valentines crap floods the stores and tv.

I dreamt about her last night again and woke up longing for her... .I'm sure she has lots planned for valentines as she's been on online dating sites apparently.   I'm trying to work on myself and avoiding the dating sites but it's damn lonely and really wearing on me right now.   

I know it's not healthy to say this but I want her to be miserable right now.  It's not fair after what she did to me that I'm alone and miserable and she's happy and oblivious to what she did to me.  I just can't get out of this headspace that I'll be alone forever now and have to see her walking down the street happy with her new man.  I hate being alone but I'm trying so hard to suffer though this and start being comfortable alone.   

Sorry for the rant guys I'm just really hurting right now.  :'(

[bdyw8]

Hi guys, am I the only one feeling crappier and crappier as vday draws nearer?   I've been NC for about 45 days now and my exBPD lives two blocks away from me.  The last time I went NC with her she kept coming to my place to try and talk to me.  This time, nothing.  I know I should see that as a good thing but right now I'm really struggling thinking about her as all this valentines crap floods the stores and tv.

I dreamt about her last night again and woke up longing for her... .I'm sure she has lots planned for valentines as she's been on online dating sites apparently.   I'm trying to work on myself and avoiding the dating sites but it's damn lonely and really wearing on me right now.   

I know it's not healthy to say this but I want her to be miserable right now.  It's not fair after what she did to me that I'm alone and miserable and she's happy and oblivious to what she did to me.  I just can't get out of this headspace that I'll be alone forever now and have to see her walking down the street happy with her new man.  I hate being alone but I'm trying so hard to suffer though this and start being comfortable alone.   

Sorry for the rant guys I'm just really hurting right now.  :'(

[steelwork]

I hear you. All the Valentine's crap in the stores is bumming me out, making my mind drift to my ex and his gf having a special date or whatever. Ugh. I don't even go for that Hallmark stuff myself, and he claimed he liked that about me, but of course he will probably be showering her with candy and roses.

[bdyw8]

Yeah all happy in the idealization phase where it's like dating the perfect partner.  I wish I could brainwash myself to forget all the over the top awesome things she said to me during the idealization phase of all our cycles we went through.   That would be followed two days later by horrible things that were just the opposite.  What a mind fxxk it is that I ruminate on the good rather than the bad... .

[Fox Mulder]

I feel you both. I'm not doing too great this weekend either. I know exactly where to go to see all the pictures she's going to post tomorrow, kissing and hugging and cuddling with my replacement. I haven't spoken to her in almost a year, but it's been a little over a month since the last time I checked her social media - which is pretty much torturing yourself. I'm hoping I can stay smart about it and keep away for good.

I really enjoy all the sappy, sugary stuff too. I love Valentine's when I'm in a relationship, but when I'm not, it's probably the second biggest bummer of the year right behind the day she left. Which is also their anniversary.

[zeus123]

BPDs hate VALENTINE DAY and hate love and intimacy, most of them pretend that they are sick on valentine day or they have something urgent that came up just to cancel this poisonous date called LOVE. and if some BPDs go out on this day with their partner, either for the gift or for the foods but it is never about what the holiday signify. in fact nothing makes a borderline more sick than love itself.

[homefree]

You are not alone.

I've been plagued by this constant comparison of my life against the life I imagine she is having right now.

And I've also wanted her to have problems with the relationship and have it fall apart, but then what? We get back together? She finds yet another guy? I don't see any happy resolution from her current relationship failing. Which just reminds me I need to detach and keep getting distance. Which means I should be hoping their relationship works out, which then makes me wonder if it does work out then it was just a rejection of me, and she found someone 'better'.

This whole mental dance is just keeping me down. Very down. And here is Valentines day at just the right time to make sure I'm aware of how garbage things are.

It feels like there is no way to win this but to do the impossibly hard task of just 'walking away'.

Just the thought of that fills me with such sadness.

And the knowledge that it is what needs to be done fills me with more sadness.

I feel for you bdyw8.

Here is what I'm going to do: continue NC, including information from friends. Be forgiving of myself and my feeling terrible. Give myself understanding. Try to practice gratitude. Use meditation to help with my mental peace and feelings of worth. Pursue activities that will allow me to accomplish things and feel good about myself and my life. Allow time to pass to let my numb and wounded heart recover. Enjoy the company of friends and family as much as I can. Try to make the time that passes end up providing some value to my life so that when the sun comes out again, I will be a better person than when the clouds swallowed me up. I'm putting the effort in, even though I get no joy out of much of anything these days. I just have to believe in a better future some day.

I don't know if any of that helps you, and I think I'm just trying to talk my spirits up. Life sucks right now, but I have hope for a better time. Just having hope can help you keep your head above water during these days and months. Believe with me brother! We will get through this to the other side some day. Yeah, she pushed away someone who loved her, and she will push away the next guy too. We need to find someone who will appreciate us. Let her have her rollercoaster of dysfunction. We were lucky to get off the ride before it killed us. We are now free to have a happier future than we ever could with them. We see this right now as the end of everything. In time I believe we will see it as the start of our new and better life. Keep walking up that hill. I'm walking up it too. Although we can't see the end right now, it doesn't go on forever.  

[Rmbrworst]

I'm just wondering what my ex is doing now that he ran back to his ex fiancé.  Wonder if they're having a good Valentine weekend.

I'll be honest, I hope they aren't

[bdyw8]

Here is what I'm going to do: continue NC, including information from friends. Be forgiving of myself and my feeling terrible. Give myself understanding. Try to practice gratitude. Use meditation to help with my mental peace and feelings of worth. Pursue activities that will allow me to accomplish things and feel good about myself and my life. Allow time to pass to let my numb and wounded heart recover. Enjoy the company of friends and family as much as I can. Try to make the time that passes end up providing some value to my life so that when the sun comes out again, I will be a better person than when the clouds swallowed me up. I'm putting the effort in, even though I get no joy out of much of anything these days. I just have to believe in a better future some day.

Thanks homefree, good words for sure, I appreciate the support from all of you on here - thank God for this message board, all of you have kept me going for a few weeks now since I first signed up.

You're right, you just have to do the work - the things that you said.  I'm doing lots of prayer and meditation.  Trying to focus on my kids. Hanging with my fellow friends in AA recovery.  The say in AA that I am responsible for the work, and God is responsible for the results.  So I guess I'll keep working on me - getting out and trying to live life as best as possible and trust that God will help heal me on his time.

And perhaps I'll go one step further and say that I hope he will bring me another woman one day that will APPRECIATE all the love and support that I offered my exBPD.

I feel you both. I'm not doing too great this weekend either. I know exactly where to go to see all the pictures she's going to post tomorrow, kissing and hugging and cuddling with my replacement. I haven't spoken to her in almost a year, but it's been a little over a month since the last time I checked her social media - which is pretty much torturing yourself. I'm hoping I can stay smart about it and keep away for good.

Solidarity!  Let's get through this fxxking holiday, one minute at a time - at least that's how it has been for me today!  I'll be praying for you to have the strength to not check her social media today and tomorrow.  I know you can do it brother!   Google some articles on Shrink4men.com instead, or better yet, watch some of their videos on youtube.  They are geared towards staying away from exes with Cluster B disorders!  Maybe I'll rewatch a couple myself as reminders!

We're in this together, we can make it!   

[Learning Fast]

All,

A lot of great commentary here.  It's hard to focus on ourselves during a day that's supposed to be celebrated with a loved one.  That being said, remember:

---It's Valentine's Day---not week or month (thankfully). Focus on yourself for 24 hrs and then it will be behind you.

---Don't believe everything you see or hear---social media is the ideal platform for pwPBD to broadcast their perfect lives (have you ever seen an unhappy V-day photo?)  We all remember what it was like with our ex's behind closed doors---do you think that's changed an iota?

---Don't check social media! There is nothing good that will come of perusing your ex's FB photos---it will only reopen raw rounds or leave you with more questions than answers---and more ruminations.

---Zeus brought up an excellent point.  My ex on more than one occasion proclaimed that she "hated Vday".  We never celebrated Vday much and it seemed like she just wanted to get the day over with.  It is probably the one day that many with BPD dread as they have to come face to face with love, intimacy and feelings.

I'm in the CST in the States and Vday will be over in just under 26 hrs.  For those of you overseas it's under 20.  We all can do this if we focus on what we can control---ourselves.

LF

[bdyw8]

Interesting post Zeus and learning fast:

Come to think of it my exBPD never liked it either but I always got her flowers and took her for dinner and made her feel special.  However, on the theme of being faced with true love and imtimacy, in our last two week stint she made me turn off sleepless in Seattle when there was scene of them finding each other at the end.   Seeing that made her really shaken and she had me turn off the movie.   So in light of your comments, Zeus, this makes sense.   

Perhaps they want this fairytale love but don't think they'll ever have it?  Do they know that fairy tale love doesn't truly exist anyway and love takes continual work and committment that prob most pwBPD are not prepared to do... .  Just a theory... .I know sure as heck my exBPD was not prepared to do the work even when I begged her to give me more than a weeks chance.  Time and time again I tried to get her to do the work with me but it always ended up being just me doing all the hard work.   She just thought things would change overnight with no effort.  Sigh... .  Vday starts in 2.5 hours mst.   Gonna go watch Star Wars with my boys that should be a good distraction!

[steelwork]

Interesting post Zeus and learning fast:

Come to think of it my exBPD never liked it either but I always got her flowers and took her for dinner and made her feel special.  However, on the theme of being faced with true love and imtimacy, in our last two week stint she made me turn off sleepless in Seattle when there was scene of them finding each other at the end.   Seeing that made her really shaken and she had me turn off the movie.   So in light of your comments, Zeus, this makes sense.   

Perhaps they want this fairytale love but don't think they'll ever have it?  Do they know that fairy tale love doesn't truly exist anyway and love takes continual work and committment that prob most pwBPD are not prepared to do... .  Just a theory... .I know sure as heck my exBPD was not prepared to do the work even when I begged her to give me more than a weeks chance.  Time and time again I tried to get her to do the work with me but it always ended up being just me doing all the hard work.   She just thought things would change overnight with no effort.  Sigh... .  Vday starts in 2.5 hours mst.   Gonna go watch Star Wars with my boys that should be a good distraction!

I don't know, man. I just don't like Valentine's Day. I don't think that makes me incapable of intimacy. I just don't like all the commercialization of love and brutal expectations and loneliness for people who aren't coupled up... .

[bdyw8]

Yeah I think it's stupid too, purely commercial especially when you have to buy them for all the kids in my boys classrooms.  So ridiculous.

I think what the other guys were saying and what I agreed with is that my exBPD seemed to think that unless we had this fairytale romance like in the movies, we were a failure or that she was not good enough to have that. 

I was so committed to her and was doing everything for her to be supportive as she went through hard times.  As I did more for her, she kept pushing me away more and more.  And then when things ended, claimed I abandoned her and played the victim.  It's like she self-sabotaged the relationship.  So it almost seemed as though she didn't believe she was worthy of being happy with a man that was giving all of himself to her so she sabotaged the whole thing then pinned it on me.  Make any sense?   Who knows.  I'm just bummed out and alone

[Rmbrworst]

I like Valentine's Day.  It's making me miss him.  We had plans for today.

He walked away from everything with no warning.  My last plans with him were in April and I spent so much money getting it altogether.  It's bumming me out

I'm working overtime all weekend to keep my mind off it.  Feeling bummed guys/gals

[bdyw8]

Good that you can work to help keep your mind occupied!   I took two days off because I've been plagued with illnesses and fatigue from pretty much having a mental breakdown after the fiasco over Christmas and being stalked, begged to take her back and then when I do, chucked a few days later.

I do better when I'm at work too. Maybe I should have worked Thursday and Friday instead of booking them off.  Sitting in my head too long.  Glad I'm not alone feeling like this.

[steelwork]

Jeez, I'm sorry, you guys. Love stinks. I hope I never fall in love again, really.

[Rmbrworst]

I know how u feel. I can't stand sitting alone by myself, which sucks because I used to love my alone time.  However now I just think of him when I'm alone.  

I mean I feel so much better than the day after Xmas when I was discarded, at least I can FUNCTION,  but still bummed.

Sometimes I wish I could start crying to let the emotions out but I can't cry much anymore.  It's just this blunted crap feeling.  I want it to go away

I'm not adding much just whining .  Uck.  

Much love to you all.  

[zeus123]

real love is reciprocal, constant, nourishing, comforting and safe. it never feels dramatic, painful or tormenting.

[Turkish]

I felt that if not every day, then every week had to be "Valentine's Day." On the other side, I realize that I just wasn't cut out for that much constant validation. 6 years, and I never remember a good one, though the first one wasn't bad, just "meh."

[MapleBob]

I felt that if not every day, then every week had to be "Valentine's Day."

Tell me about it. Where can you go from there but down? Those are incredibly high expectations to have to shoulder. Like, the chase has to stop eventually!

[bdyw8]

That's a good way to put it.  If we didn't get together and have an "amazing night" at least once a week with mind-blowing sex then we would both feel insecure with each other and the relationship.  That's why I started that thread asking if sex was really the only thing I missed.  Our whole sense of security in the relationship centred on mind blowing sex.  If we didn't have it regularly then we didn't feel safe. 

I'm told that healthy relationships people feel safe regardless.  This is foreign to me now although I did have that with my ex wife (not BPD).   

You get so used to the rollerxoaster where if you're not on the extreme high then you're on an extreme low.  There was no middle ground for me with my exBPD.  So yes valentines and every other day had such a high expectation to blow each other's minds on demand. 

[C.Stein]

That's why I started that thread asking if sex was really the only thing I missed.  Our whole sense of security in the relationship centred on mind blowing sex.  If we didn't have it regularly then we didn't feel safe. 

This is something you need to take a hard look at within yourself.  Learn to swim without the life preserver.

[SummerStorm]

My pwBPD has been quiet so far, which is a good thing.  Last Thursday, I woke up to a Snapchat story pic of her new boyfriend sleeping in bed.  Since then, I haven't heard a peep from her.  I haven't texted her, but she has looked at everything I've put on Snapchat.  I am still blocked on Facebook, but I've heard that she has posted some things about him and posted a pic of them.  I checked out his page, and there's nothing about her at all.  Yesterday, he spent most of the day sharing stupid videos.  The last guy also never posted any pics of the two of them together, and they were together for almost two months.  Within days of meeting him, she was posting all about him. 

Last Tuesday, I sent her a pic on Snapchat, and she commented that I'm "so cute."  Since then, I haven't heard from her.  I would say shame is at work here.  Deep down, she wants to see if things would work with me (we were never an official couple) and tries to get close but is triggered by all of the terrible things she did to me and then pulls away. 

Last year, she had just entered into a new relationship about a week or so before Valentine's Day, and I remember that he got her a Pokemon game or something.  But other than that, she didn't say much about Valentine's Day.  Generally speaking, I know to steer clear of her whenever a birthday or holiday is near. 

[Pretty Woman]

I was with my ex close to four years. I always got dumped before a holiday but she returned for Valentine's. In retrospect that was all part of the hook. I always craved that return. Valentine's Day two years ago I received flowers from her after being dumped before Thanksgiving. Yet even as I posted the picture of my bouquet on line she's texting me that she just received flowers from a woman she was talking to on Match during our break.

I was naive and stupid. She remained friends on FB with this woman until she was eventually blocked and deleted by her. I was even blocked.

I never met the woman.

Point here is don't even think about your ex being happy with the new one. Maybe today they are celebrating but who knows if the new person is the only one in rotation. In talking to my ex's exes there was always more than one.

They don't change overnight. Valentine's Day will pass. It's almost over. You are not stuck with crazy.

[bdyw8]

Thanks for the posts and the support.  The day is almost done thank god.  I guess I should be thankful she hasn't tried contacting me in 45 days now and has left me alone this time.   Hope you all had a good February 14th