BPD Physical illnes when someone else is vulnerable and in need

[caughtnreleased]

While this is not about my uBPD mother, it relates to my uBPD aunt, and I am looking for some insight into what is going on.  My grandmother is very old and has lost her autonomy.  She has only just been placed into an old age home a couple of weeks ago.  Over the last year, my mother and my aunt have been relaying the responsibility, because neither of them lives near my grandmother, however my aunt does live in the same country (and my mother has to fly 10 hours to get there - which she does frequently - and she goes almost more frequently than my aunt does - who is a 5 hour drive from my grandmother). 

However it looks like my aunt is increasingly unable to cope with my grandmother getting older and needing help.  Everytime she arrives in my grandmother's city to help she (my aunt) becomes so violently ill that she becomes completely bed-ridden for many days at a time, and then as soon as she is well enough to travel she rushes home. I don't think she can cope with the idea of putting her in a home.  Basically, my mother has had to handle this phase on her own.  It sounds very hard, since my grandmother asks everyday if she can go home.  Does anyone have any insight into what is going on with my aunt being unable to cope with this situation?  I have read about people with BPD being unable to be around when people actually need help... .and most of the time they are accusations that the pwBPD is really selfish etc... .I would be very interested if anyone has similar experiences and what may cause my aunt to become so physically ill.

[busybee1116]

Your aunt may be just unlucky! But it sounds like she is having a hard time coping if she gets physically ill every time she visits her mother/your grandmother. At least she is trying to visit/help? One of those "listen to your body" times, hopefully she is under a doctor's care and can talk about the aspect of stress on her physical health.

[Notwendy]

If you consider that pwBPD are not able to handle their own bad feelings, then this would make sense. Illness in a parent is stressful, and difficult to deal with for most people, and so, one can also imagine very difficult for someone with BPD. Also, if she has had a difficult relationship with her parents, the ambivalent feelings- of caring and then anger all at once could be overwhelming for someone who tends to think in black and white terms- all good or all bad. Also, consider that if she has any abandonment fears, then this would trigger those too.

Being "physically ill" is one way of dealing with these feelings- not a good functional way, but dealing with them. My BPD mother has done this many times and while I would not go so far as to say she was purposely faking, I do think she was overwhelmed to the point of not functioning. In this case- the feeling of illness was quite real to her. Also, for my mother, she has difficulty assuming the caretaker role. Her place of emotional comfort is to be on the receiving end of that.

When my father was ill, my mother was emotionally at the extremes. This would make sense, but how she showed it was different than if she didn't have BPD. Since the relationship between her and my father was him as her emotional and physical caretaker ( for things like driving, grocery shopping) the potential change in roles was disruptive to her. Also, her abandonment fears were triggered. I would say that her ability to cope was not strong, but although this appeared to be selfish behavior, I think it was more about her inability to cope with the difficult emotions of this situation.

All this time though, my mother truly believed she was helping and it was triggering to discuss that she was not. So, IMHO, I think your aunt might really believe she is going to help and yet, isn't, and that creates shame for her. For you and your mother, I think you can assume that this is the level of help to expect from your aunt. If your grandma is in a home, then her basic needs are being met. She likely needs less help than the company of visits. You and your mother can do the best you can. Your aunt will do whatever she can do in her own way. Surely, your grandma who raised her knows that she is who she is, and understands this pattern. If it comes to where your grandma needs additional help, and you and your mother are at this distance- then consider hiring whoever you need  but I think that there is support in the home your grandma is at. What your grandma may need more is people to visit her, and I don't know if she is part of a religious group, but people from that group, clergy, could visit.