Did he throw down the gauntlet?

[unicorn2014]

He called me again and when I didn't answer because I was in the bathroom he sent this.

That's ok I was stupid and should not of called you

A temperament thing wanting to be harmonious and peaceful but I can not do it by myself. I just need to let it go until you want to be in a good space with us

Not going to try any more

When you want to be peaceful and be in a good space with me call me

###

I have no idea what he thinks he's going to accomplish by continuing to put me down and belittle me. All he's doing is pushing me further away. Only a fool would respond to that. When he's made a mess and feels embarrassed he always falls back on temperament however since he's an INTJ and I'm an INFJ I think he's got us confused. I'm the one who doesn't like conflict. That's why I'm posting here instead of arguing with him.

I didn't respond to his text so he sent me this.

no response... .Being again ignored

Sadly I made the right call 

When you are able to be peaceful, loving and interested in building each other up I would be glad to engage with you again. I offered to help you but you told me you were not having a bad day so... .My offer is still open

I love you

I think it would be safe to say that he is dysregulated and I have no idea why and I know it has nothing to do with me.

Only an idiot would respond to that text or pick up the phone and call him.

I have no idea what to do here so I'm doing nothing for now.

[unicorn2014]

I found Skip's post on my last thread covering this topic:

I might frame it in a constructive way... .we both can get emotional an hang up the phone - once one of us hangs up on the other, lets just give each other space for the rest of the day to recover and get in a better frame of mind.

I'm kind of afraid to say that to my partner right now because I know it will set him off.

I will see if I can put it in my own words. He hung up on me twice today, plus the phone died once. I did not hang up on him at all today.

The things that different about today is we didn't have a conversation before he hung up on me. He's obviously very emotional today, and it has nothing to do with me.

He called me again to tell me he'd be recording and I was able to tell him that he's been very emotional today, he hung up on me twice, and I think it would be a good idea to give each other space for the rest of the day and since he didn't want to call me at 8pm we could talk tomorrow morning.

He said "I see, have a nice evening" and hung up on me.

Maybe that's a win? (keeping my fingers crossed and hoping)

This gets back to what GK was talking about, poor boundaries on his part. I think he keeps a certain amount of dis-ease in his life so he can write music because he told me if he was "cured" he would have no reason to write music.

The thing is do I want a partner like that?

Not really.

It looks glamorous on paper but the real thing is a piece of work! 

Then he called me back to tell me he would not be talking to me tomorrow and hung up no me again. I tried to follow Skip's advice and my partner threw it back in my face as I knew he would.

This doesn't feel like a win.

He's really giving me an opportunity to end the relationship.

I tried to be perfectly reasonable and say lets talk at 8 and he said no. Then I said lets talk tomorrow and he said no. He's acting like a teenager, its either his way or the highway. That hurt. I don't want to be in a relationship with an adult who acts like a teenager.

I'm not really sure what to do here. He just told me if I call him tomorrow he won't be answering the phone, so he essentially has now taken the relationship hostage.

I am tired of this and I don't know what to do.

He basically just told me he would be giving me the silent treatment for an indefinite amount of time and the silent treatment is a deal breaker for me.

I don't know what to do here.

Should I tell him what he is doing is the silent treatment and that is a deal breaker for me?

[Grey Kitty]

"What does the board think?"

I think that he treats you badly (in a bunch of ways you identified above).

I think that when he does, you get very emotional, very hurt by his behavior, and tend to be reactive.


I think that for this relationship to become healthy, it is up to you to build your own capacity to listen* to his attacks, deceptions, and slights, knowing that these are the best coping tools he has, and that he will try to use them on you as long as you make that in any way possible... .

... .and choose to respond in an assertive way which protect yourself (as much as is needed), without punishing him.

... .and be true to yourself and believe in yourself when he accuses you of punishing him or holding the relationship hostage, even when you are not.


(Note... .I had computer issues, and this was written a few hours and a few responses ago... .I think it mostly still applies anyway)

Edit: * By "listen" I don't mean allow him to aim a diatribe at you... .I mean hear at least the beginning of one, and respond appropriately, however many times this happens.

[unicorn2014]

Thanks grey kitty, after all that he went back to the original plan which was call me at 8pm.

Today i didn't react to him at all.

I told him that I wasn't not being peaceful and I didn't want to hear about that.

I appreciate your support. I can't leave until I'm ready to leave and today is not the day.

I was going to let him not talk to me indefinitely but then he called me back, maybe because of the fact I didn't react.

He called me and at 4:20pm, really,  I was finally able to say for the first time today I love you too.

I really think my love is a drug for him, and the timing of me saying that underscores my point.

Is it possible that I  can stop being a drug for him, or how can I make my love no longer be a drug for him?

----

More: this is the text he sent me before he called me the final time which I didn't read until now.

I tried to be reasonable with you.

No dear what you have done is start drama and an argument because you are stressed out and you chose to take it out on our relationship

I tried to get you to see that earlier and you denied it and here we are in drama you started

###

I will try one more time at 11/8 tonight to see if we can resolve this. I will call you at 11/8

Calling now to tell you this

His accusations against me are untrue.

I did nothing to start drama today.

I'm not stressed out either, I'm quite peaceful because my daughter has gone to see my brother and I get the day off!

I also found this in my Facebook messenger :

The silent treatment is even worse then the verbal abuse.

Dear you want drama and this language is what that is.

I an not giving you the silent treatment not are you to talk to me about abusive language.

What am doing is giving the choice of being in a peaceful, supportive relationship which at the moment you have decided not to be.

My partner is clearly off his rocker today and it has nothing to do with me even though he's putting it all on me . He's not capable of providing a supportive relationship due to his marital and geographical status. He's full of nonsense .

[Daniell85]

He is winding you up. Very effectively. You have about 20 things you are wanting to bust out and tell him.

Unicorn, it's spatting back and forth. You are letting yourself get sucked into it and reacting to him. And darn, reading his text, I can see why.

One thing that caught my eye in a prior post another poster made, is these are tools your partner is pulling out to use on you. Slow down a bit and ponder it. Can you come up with a list of his tools? Are you able to recognize them well enough that when he pulls a tool from his tool box to try and control you, can you SEE what the tool he is using?

All of us have arsenals of tools. Good ones, bad ones... effective, ineffective.

What I see predominantly is when you try to take a step back, and not engage, he starts tweaking you with one of his "tools" and it's like a red cape to a bull. BAM you are in there, trying to tell him to knock it off and respect your boundaries.

He is going to escalate, he is going to pester you, he is going to pick at you and toss "assumptions" at you that are intended to get you to say oh not that is not right! to him. And he's gotcha. Sucking you in again. More conflict, more upset, more contempt.

He's walking right through your boundaries. He knows what your boundaries are. You already told him. Just enforce them. I know it's really hard, and he is bruising your sense of fair play and your feelings of being unjustly treated. And in you go to protect that part of who you are. You can protect that part of you. You don't have to tell him why you didn't answer after he hung up on you, if you say you are done talking for the day, the 8PM chat is gone for that day.

You are entitled to shut the door any time you want and get some peace and quiet as you need it. Most I would tell the guy is maybe a text to the effect of you are out for the day and will be in touch tomorrow. Attempt contact the next day. If he ignores you or does a disappearing act, let him. The way he is, he's not going to be out of touch for very long.

[unicorn2014]

Thanks Daniell85 that was really helpful. We had an agreement I would call him after my meeting, I did, he didn't answer, I left a message, he hasn't called me. He says he would call me at 8:15, he didn't, didn't text either.

Today I messed up, tomorrow I have another chance to set things right.

[Kwamina]

Hi unicorn,

Whether he has good or poor boundaries, I think what is most important here are your own boundaries and that you enforce/defend your boundaries. If your value is that people should be treated respectfully, certain elements of his behavior seem out of line with your values. His general harsh language (not just what you've shared in his thread) and his repeated hanging up on you isn't respectful behavior.

I see certain patterns here, he says or does 'X' in the hope of you saying or doing 'Y'. You cannot prevent his 'X' behavior, but what you can do is change your 'Y' response. A lot of what's going on here is probably automatic responses. You are used to responding to him in a certain way when he says or does 'X' and he knows that too.

In a way you might feel obliged or pressured to take his calls or respond to his texts, however not responding is actually also a very powerful response. It signals that you're not playing the 'X --> Y' game anymore and won't accept disrespectful behavior. There are various way to communicate boundaries, you can do it verbally but also through your actions. Not responding sends a very clear signal and is a very solid tactic to help break this cycle of conflict.

Your partner knows that this marriage/divorce situation is highly problematic and that he plays a significant part in this. Instead of addresssing and acknowledging this, he seems to be projecting all his negativity and inner turmoil onto you. He very well might be dysregulated, but even if he's not, it's probably best not to respond to any false accusations because odds are that will turn into a circular argument. Keeping J.A.D.E. in mind is very important here. Don't Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain. Most often it is better not to respond at all and if you feel a response is necessary, just keep it B.I.F.F.: Brief, Informative, Friendly (well at least not unfriendly  ) and Firm.

Take care

[unicorn2014]

Thank you Kwamina, I messed up today but I'm going to try to do better tomorrow. He did end up calling me at 8:45pm and we had a pleasant enough conversation.

I think one of the hardest things for me is I am an adult child of a disordered mother, who claimed I was very disrespectful to her so its almost as if I feel as if I don't have a right to demand that people be respectful to me.

This is where my coping issues and conflicted issues dovetail.

Now that I have a clear understanding that I am not obligated to reply when he speaks to me harshly whether in text or on the phone, I am going to try even harder not to pick it up.

I actually follow the B.I.F.F. response on Facebook and I appreciate that reminder. My partner is not the only difficult person in my life, actually every member of my family of origin is difficult in addition to my ex and even my daughter.

I first learned the JADE concept in Al-Anon when I was starting to deal with my ex's drug problem.

My partner is much more aggressive then my ex, and in some ways that's a good thing because it means he's much more highly motivated, however he's also more challenging then my ex because he's much more in my face.

We will see what kind of day we have tomorrow.

Thanks for your post!

[Sunfl0wer]

I think one of the hardest things for me is I am an adult child of a disordered mother, who claimed I was very disrespectful to her so its almost as if I feel as if I don't have a right to demand that people be respectful to me.

You certainly do not like when your partner is not respectful of you, understandable.

Do you feel you are being respectful to you when you engage with him after feeling provoked?

You need to be sure you are being respectful to you first... .the rest will follow.  You do not need to really ask or demand it from others.  It starts with respect of self... .and others have no choice but to listen.

[unicorn2014]

Thanks sunfl0wer , you are right. He texted me to tell me his misses me. I might miss him if he wasn't so harsh.

[LonelyChild]

Hi unicorn2014,

Is this the life you want to live? Posting on a forum and being upset by his continuously bad behavior?

I mean, years go by pretty quick. What if, in three years, you're still doing this dance. You might be upset that you're giving away your time to this.

[Grey Kitty]

He did end up calling me at 8:45pm and we had a pleasant enough conversation.

May I ask for more details about how you felt on this, and how it went? I'm kinda wondering how low you are setting the bar for him.

If simply not getting emotional abuse, passive aggressive crap, and active deception from him is "pleasant enough," perhaps you have some real re-thinking to do about this. Your description of the day's texting and negotiations about calling were still a mess... .not the kind of stuff I'd want to put up with.

I think one of the hardest things for me is I am an adult child of a disordered mother, who claimed I was very disrespectful to her so its almost as if I feel as if I don't have a right to demand that people be respectful to me.

I recognize how far you have to go here. You were raised to accept all sorts of bad behavior, and it was programmed into you very well.

In this way, I was blessed--My parents didn't raise me with everything I wanted or needed, but I was encouraged to develop healthy boundaries, and not subjected to verbal/emotional abuse. Still my marriage had little bits of that that grew over decades until I was starting to accept it as normal and be kinda OK with it--Still, it was much easier for me to turn things around, since deep inside me I not only knew it wasn't right, but knew with something better felt like.



Right now, the biggest thing I see you stumbling on is when your partner accuses you of being mean/abusive/manipulative/unreasonable/uncaring/etc/etc/etc.

From what I've seen these range from total fabrication/projection, to perhaps having a kernel of truth in them.

I see you sounding very defensive about them, even here on these forums where you are supported.

I see you worrying about his likelihood of doubling down on it should you enforce a boundary.

Most importantly, I see you doubting yourself... .wondering if what he accuses you of thinking, intending to do to him is actually true or not.

And in this area, you might want to consider his position to be like the joke "Q: How can you tell if a cowboy is lying? A: His lips are moving." He really is THAT unreliable when it comes to advising you on how to make a relationship work better, or what you are doing wrong in it right now.

[unicorn2014]

Thank you grey kitty, when I say pleasant enough I mean in light of the day's shenanigans. It's like he gets to treat me how he wants and he still gets what he wants in the end. There was nothing wrong with the evenings conversation itself.

When I was referring to my FOO I meant I was trained to accept the blame for everything.

If I tell my partner today I'm not happy about what happened yesterday , I'll get blamed for it.

If I say I'm still thinking about what happened yesterday, I'll get blamed for it.

I haven't read my partners text yet this morning nor listened to his voicemail .

The best thing I could do is nothing at all or perhaps say something like I'm processing what happened yesterday and I'm not ready to talk yet but then he'll get all defensive or cold.

It's really a no win situation for me.

I find it remarkable that he can just carry on like nothing happened, then again if he's holding me responsible, of course he can.

I will think about what you are saying about the cowboy joke.

I don't really want to share my life with someone who treats me that way. If I say that to him I have to be ready to deal with the consequences because I know I can't change him. I know if I'm going to try to stand up for myself in this relationship it's going to take a lot of strength on my end.

Perhaps the board could help me think of a way to communicate to him that I need some space after what happened yesterday , knowing he's going to get nasty if I say that.

[unicorn2014]

Lonely child unfortunately my partner is not the only disordered person in my life, and if I decide to leave, I'll be posting on the leaving board. None of my relationships have been easy: parents, ex, child, partner. I see people posting here years after they've left their BPD partner . The boards or posting on them aren't the problem.

[Daniell85]

With my boyfriend, if I tell him why I am doing something like taking space, for example... .if I phrase it as I am taking space because I don't like how he acted, he takes that as blaming and accusation. So he attacks me "back". He says exactly that: back.

Maybe what you are running into is that your nature is to be direct and to the point. In many areas of life that is a quality that is admired. BPD is not an area where the BPD person is going to respect that. BPD will take it as an attack.

What happens if you just take the space and wait for him to inquire? Keep it to text, saying simply, I am tired out and taking a day to rest up, I will touch base with you tomorrow."

[Grey Kitty]

Thank you grey kitty, when I say pleasant enough I mean in light of the day's shenanigans. It's like he gets to treat me how he wants and he still gets what he wants in the end. There was nothing wrong with the evenings conversation itself.

Not my point what could have been wrong during the conversation.

My point was that you weren't excitedly writing about how delightful it was to talk to him, how sweet he was, the wonderful support he gave you for the troubles you had in your day, etc., etc.

That is what struck me.

I just had a friend talking about her personal struggle after growing up in an amazingly abusive FOO. That she came to find neglect as enjoyable and preferable to anything she got as a child. And that even now, decades later, she sees neglect in an intimate relationship as "safe". And she's aware of how messed up that is, but having trouble changing it!

[unicorn2014]

With my boyfriend, if I tell him why I am doing something like taking space, for example... .if I phrase it as I am taking space because I don't like how he acted, he takes that as blaming and accusation. So he attacks me "back". He says exactly that: back.

Maybe what you are running into is that your nature is to be direct and to the point. In many areas of life that is a quality that is admired. BPD is not an area where the BPD person is going to respect that. BPD will take it as an attack.

What happens if you just take the space and wait for him to inquire? Keep it to text, saying simply, I am tired out and taking a day to rest up, I will touch base with you tomorrow."

Thank you for your reply Daniell85.

The ironic thing is my SO prides himself on being direct.

This morning's text didn't include an I love you.

Yesterday his complaint was that I hadn't said I love you once to him, and I finally said "I love you too" at 4:20pm hence my inquiry as to how I could not be a drug for him.

Last night at 9:44pm/12:44am in text he said he missed me, I did not say I miss you too this morning because I don't.

He also said that on Facebook messenger at 10:18pm/1:18am. I didn't read or reply to that because I don't feel the same. In fact my question is, why is he up at 1 in the morning? For him that is his normal bedtime. Then he texted me this morning at 4:56am/7:56am "Hello Sugar Boo Good Morning I hope you slept well". He's playing a game with me to see if I react to his lack of "I love you" as I used to react to that. Not anymore. I don't care anymore if he says "I love you" or not. I've matured.

There's a small part of me that wonders what he's doing but I'm not going to pick it up. We still share calendars and it looks like his is  empty but I'm not going to inquire about that either.

Today is the day that either his wife complies with the request for the financial affidavit or his lawyer files a motion to comply. Of course I'm curious about what went down but I'm not going to ask him until he contacts me. I replied to his good morning text with Hello dear and good morning. He has not read it yet.

I suppose I do have a resentment that he can get away with how he treated me yesterday.

[unicorn2014]

Thank you grey kitty, when I say pleasant enough I mean in light of the day's shenanigans. It's like he gets to treat me how he wants and he still gets what he wants in the end. There was nothing wrong with the evenings conversation itself.

Not my point what could have been wrong during the conversation.

My point was that you weren't excitedly writing about how delightful it was to talk to him, how sweet he was, the wonderful support he gave you for the troubles you had in your day, etc., etc.

That is what struck me.

I just had a friend talking about her personal struggle after growing up in an amazingly abusive FOO. That she came to find neglect as enjoyable and preferable to anything she got as a child. And that even now, decades later, she sees neglect in an intimate relationship as "safe". And she's aware of how messed up that is, but having trouble changing it!

Grey Kitty I appreciate your concern. What I was trying to say is it didn't matter what kind of support he expressed, what he did earlier in the day negated that all. Currently he's trying to draw a parallel between what's going on in my family (my dad is going to contest my grandmother's will on behalf of my brother and I, its his idea) and what went on in his family. He always like to draw parallels between his experience and my experience. I used to find that endearing but now I'm not so touched anymore.

I think I do have a resentment about how he treated me yesterday and I don't know what to do about that. I can't address him about it because he will blame me or he will shame me for having a resentment saying he doesn't have resentments. This man claims to be immune to resentments, which allows him to feel morally superior to the rest of the human race. I definitely find that unattractive.

Furthermore the troubles I had in my day were caused by him, and him alone. As I said the rest of my day went fine, save for that phone call from my dad to tell me about my grandmother's will, and even that went fine in the end.

If I had a way to stand up to my partner, and assert myself, and state my needs, I'm sure I'd feel better about the relationship. Problem is every time I do that I either get shot down or blamed for the problem.

I find it interesting that he left me a message this morning at 6:51/9:51am telling me how much he missed me last night and how much he loved me. At this point I don't really care how he feels, how he treated me yesterday negates that all. I don't know how to tell him that either because if I tell him I don't care he gets upset too. Its really a lose lose situation for me and I don't know what to do about it.

The only thing I can say is I let the situation get worse by picking up the phone again after he hung up on me the first time. So I suppose by saying that I take my power back.

What do you think?

[Grey Kitty]

What I was trying to say is it didn't matter what kind of support he expressed, what he did earlier in the day negated that all.

If that was true, if you felt that badly about how he had treated you earlier in the day, why even talk to him? Assertive would be taking space from somebody when you don't want to be around them.

I think I do have a resentment about how he treated me yesterday and I don't know what to do about that. I can't address him about it because he will blame me or he will shame me for having a resentment saying he doesn't have resentments. This man claims to be immune to resentments, which allows him to feel morally superior to the rest of the human race. I definitely find that unattractive.

Your resentment is for you to deal with, not him to deal with. This is true in any relationship!

The issues that brought up the resentment *might* be worth discussing, if you could have a healthy discussion about them with him. (You make a pretty compelling case that you cannot here.)

If I had a way to stand up to my partner, and assert myself, and state my needs, I'm sure I'd feel better about the relationship. Problem is every time I do that I either get shot down or blamed for the problem.

It is your job to stand up for yourself in a way that works, whether he tries to cooperate, or whether he tries not to cooperate.

You can protect yourself this way, no matter what he wants to do.

OTOH, you cannot force him to meet any of your needs. That he has to do willingly, and if he is unwilling, you have to accept that. You may find others who can meet your needs in at least some cases, and when in a r/s with a pwBPD, there will be many of those.

He's playing a game with me to see if I react to his lack of "I love you" as I used to react to that. Not anymore. I don't care anymore if he says "I love you" or not. I've matured.

From your description, he plays a bunch of manipulative games with you, this being one of them. The more you are able to avoid being reactive when he does it, the better everything will go, for this relationship, and for yourself in when dealing with other people too.

Great work on this one!

[unicorn2014]

Your resentment is for you to deal with, not him to deal with. This is true in any relationship!

The issues that brought up the resentment *might* be worth discussing, if you could have a healthy discussion about them with him. (You make a pretty compelling case that you cannot here.)

Ironically enough my daughter may have solved that problem for me: she hung up on me twice today and when I told my partner that he said he was going to have to stop doing that to me since he is helping me deal with her behavior. Perhaps that is enough. I realized that I was being more lenient with my daughter then I was with my partner and the stakes are even higher with my daughter as I have real power over her as opposed to just the willingness to be in a relationship with my partner.

It is very interesting that yesterday my partner was acting out and today my daughter is acting out.

So now I have two problems: what to do when my partner hangs up on me and what to do when my daughter hangs up on me, which is for the parenting board.

[formflier]

So now I have two problems: what to do when my partner hangs up on me and what to do when my daughter hangs up on me, which is for the parenting board.

In both cases, realize that you are teaching them both how to respect you as a person.  Maybe another way of looking at it is that you are teaching them how you think of yourself as a person.

So, if you treat yourself with respect, your actions and boundaries should insist that others do as well.

I also think that this shows the importance of using high standards when "picking" someone to help raise your child. 

I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around how someone with no phone etiquette or respect for you is going to help you teach your daughter how to be respectful to you on the phone.

How is this going to play out?

FF

[unicorn2014]

So now I have two problems: what to do when my partner hangs up on me and what to do when my daughter hangs up on me, which is for the parenting board.

In both cases, realize that you are teaching them both how to respect you as a person.  Maybe another way of looking at it is that you are teaching them how you think of yourself as a person.

So, if you treat yourself with respect, your actions and boundaries should insist that others do as well.

I also think that this shows the importance of using high standards when "picking" someone to help raise your child. 

I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around how someone with no phone etiquette or respect for you is going to help you teach your daughter how to be respectful to you on the phone.

How is this going to play out?

FF

After I told my partner my daughter hung up on me twice he realized he could never do that again, so let's see if that actually plays out. Its possible that him seeing how another person affects me has more of an impact then me telling him how he affects me. This happened before, when my former sponsor dumped me because she couldn't deal with me.

My partner actually got my daughter to call me back . Although she doesn't like being told what to do by him she also realizes that he's not telling her what to do , he's backing up what I'm telling her what to do.

He's a lot more functional then her father, or any other member of my family. My daughter is very aggressive and so is my partner so in that way they are a perfect match, much like I read about on the staying board on how people think their partners are perfect for them. I think I've said this before, temperamentally speaking my partner and my daughter are much suited for each other then she and I or she and him.

I agree with you that I am teaching both of them how to treat me. I think its funny that the day after my partner hung up on me my daughter hangs up on me. Obviously there is a lesson in there for me to learn that has nothing to do with either of them. My ex husband has also hung up on me too.

I do have very high standards, and nobody else was able to meet them before I met my partner. I was single for 7 years before I met my partner. My partner is very intelligent; if I can deal with his borderline behavior.

[Sunfl0wer]

What is happening in the conversation before people hang up on you?

If you were to ask youe exH, D, and SO, what would they say the reason they hung up is?

If people are trying to find a way to escape conversing with you... .that is something worth exploring and looking at.

[formflier]

I do have very high standards, and nobody else was able to meet them before I met my partner. I was single for 7 years before I met my partner. My partner is very intelligent; if I can deal with his borderline behavior.

So, wait, I'm confused here.

Is your partner meeting your standards?

FF

[unicorn2014]

What is happening in the conversation before people hang up on you?

If you were to ask youe exH, D, and SO, what would they say the reason they hung up is?

If people are trying to find a way to escape conversing with you... .that is something worth exploring and looking at.

All three of them hang up on me when they can't get their way with me. They are all very stubborn people and they are used to wearing people down and when their tactics don't work on me, they hang up on me. I terminated my relationship with my ex, my daughter is my responsibility and my partner is voluntary. I am not the problem here. This all stems from my relationship with my narcissistic father, which points to my coping issues. My father is a very difficult person who is used to getting his way with people and he taught me not to give up. I once had a man who was interested in me nickname me iron side because of my iron will. Does this answer your question?

[unicorn2014]

I do have very high standards, and nobody else was able to meet them before I met my partner. I was single for 7 years before I met my partner. My partner is very intelligent; if I can deal with his borderline behavior.

So... .wait... .I'm confused here.

Is your partner meeting your standards?

FF

Yes, when he is not  putting me down, he does. That is why I said if I can deal with his BPD behavior then he is a very useful person in my life. If I can have the strength to stand up to him when he hangs up on me, then I can have a successful relationship with him. Now he did say that after hearing about my daughter hanging up on me twice he realized he can't do that to me again. We will see if that holds water. Like I said when he saw how my former sponsor abandoned me he was determined never to abandon me and so far he hasn't. You can teach an old dog new tricks and unfortunately other people are sometimes my partner's best teachers.

[Sunfl0wer]

What is happening in the conversation before people hang up on you?

If you were to ask youe exH, D, and SO, what would they say the reason they hung up is?

If people are trying to find a way to escape conversing with you... .that is something worth exploring and looking at.

All three of them hang up on me when they can't get their way with me. They are all very stubborn people and they are used to wearing people down and when their tactics don't work on me, they hang up on me. I terminated my relationship with my ex, my daughter is my responsibility and my partner is voluntary. I am not the problem here. This all stems from my relationship with my narcissistic father, which points to my coping issues. My father is a very difficult person who is used to getting his way with people and he taught me not to give up. I once had a man who was interested in me nickname me iron side because of my iron will. Does this answer your question?

I am more wondering what their perception is.

I wonder if from their perception maybe the conversation feels too intense?  Or like they are not being heard?  Or they are hearing things they don't want to hear? Or do they feel blamed? Picked on?

It sounds like they need space from the conversation and are not expressing that in a respectful manner.  I wonder if you can help monitor and gauge the temperature of conversations and back away early FOR them, before they get overwhelmed to the point of wanting to hang up.

I know you have expressed that you are quite astute to minor emotional changes in others.  I suspect there may be clues beforehand that they are gearing for a hang up.  Knowing and understanding their reason can help you with this.

It seems a consistent issue in your relationships that people do not know when to respectfully disengage BEFORE things get that heated.  Rather, they disengage after heated or during the heat.

Think of it like a thermometer.  Someone needs to stop the conversation when it is at a level 7 intensity, before it hits level 8/ hang up intensity.  If you are the healthier more adult person, then that has to be you. (i am just making up this number scale for conversation sake)

[unicorn2014]

Sunfl0wer, I've gotten quite good at predicting when my partner is going to hang up, I predicted his last hang up perfectly, same thing with my daughter. I have little contact with my ex. My daughter's home, my partner is peaceful and who knows where my ex is.

My biggest challenge will be the next time my partner hangs up on me, not answering the phone again.

[Grey Kitty]

Here is something you could work on... .

... .your partner would choose not to say he loved you at a time that he usually did.

... .this is a clear rejection of you.

... .you found a way not to take it personally and react when he does this. 

Can you do the same when somebody hangs up on you?

For one thing, it is not 100% certain that it is intended to hurt you. A person can end a conversation abruptly with the understanding that it is the best option. I try to put a goodbye in front of hanging up, but have done it myself.

When I know that anything I say will be hurtful and not constructive, better to hang up first! Or at least before I say more!

[Turkish]

This thread has reached its post limit. Feel free to start a new topic to continue the discussion.