The art of detachment

[Moselle]

After 2 years of conflict ridden divorce, in and out of court, we are finally sitting down and settling. Her willingness to negotiate has much more of course to do with her boyfriend ( a friend of mine for 20 yearss!) moving in with her and my children. 

The worst thing as we sat down to negotiate, I started caretaking again. Offering her a listening ear as I know her and her issues.  I was trying to communicafe that after all this I can empathise with her.  That I understand the torn child within. 

I did not go in with that intention at all. She had become the enemy,  but she pulled on my heart strings as we cried together as we negotiate the end of 15 years of marriage and 3 children.

She is back in my head and I want her gone! How do you co-parent and remain detached?

[anothercasualty]

How do you co-parent and remain detached?

This takes time. And a very conscious decision from both people. I was not a good husband (and she was not a good wife), but somehow my ex-wife and I are both great ex's for the good of our kiddo. Occasionally, we will share some tidbit from the past and that is natural as we have grown our relationship to some happy medium of caring for each other with thick boundaries. Mostly though, we know that maintaining a friendship and caring for our kiddo as a team has been really good for our kiddo. Kiddo does not struggle with the issues I did from my divorced parents who were always at war. Be patient though. It takes time to build that trust for that co-parenting relationship

My ex-wife is not the pwBPD that brought me to this site. My ex-wife is a very different person than my ex-GF pwBPD. I am not sure how co-parenting would be with my ex-GF. I would hope it would be the same, but who knows!

[troisette]

My heart goes out to you Moselle.

A difficult situation and I can offer experience but little advice.

My experience is not with a BPD but an expert manipulator without conscience. So what I say is within that context.

I started with honorable intent: do not diss my son's father to him, be adult, take the middle road, honour his father's intellect and creativity. Our son is now an adult, he tries to emulate his father, wants his approval (his father is a withholder) and has adopted many of his father's attitudes as his model. I can only sit on the sideline hoping that as the years go by our son will have greater understanding and less need of his father's approval.

I suppose the better thing I could have done was be more aware of how things were developing, more understanding of my son's emotional development and the effects of his father as a role model. And, of course, I wish I'd had clearer understanding of myself!

So, my advice is to be alert, aware and balanced as your kids develop and grow. Easy to type, I know!

Good luck, I hope that your feelings about her diminish - you are in an intensified emotional state right now. You may well regain some equilibrium when the divorce is over. I hope so. 

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Moselle, I'm sorry to hear what you are going through, yet it seems that there is a light at the end of the divorce tunnel if you are negotiating a settlement.  Co-parenting is a challenge.  For me, I had to go LC because my BPDxW continued to berate and blame me after our separation and divorce.  Plus, your situation seems complicated with your Ex getting together with a long-time friend of yours.  That sounds painful!  The truth is: better him than you, my friend.  Hang in there,

LuckyJim