Her New Job

[DevilYouKnow]

I haven't been here in a while because things at home have been tolerable.  I have a uBPDw who just recently started a new job; a pretty high stress one, but a field she has some experience in (emergency services).  Anyway, you can probably guess the story from here:  she loved it for the first three weeks or so, but was in tears this weekend about how much she hated it, this wasn't the right decision, her superiors had it out for her, etc.  I managed to convince her to go in this morning, which was a bit of a struggle, so we'll see how today and the rest of the week goes.  What is putting my guard up right now is she is saying she should quit to tend to my PTSD (I am a five-time combat vet diagnosed with PTSD and major depression).  I have been painted as the crusher of her hopes and dreams and career enough times that I am wary she is lining this up in her mind as an excuse to quit without blaming herself. 

Her working has also been great not only for the income, but because it keeps her busy enough that she can't compulsively shop as much.  We can make it on my income alone, but not the way she frivolously spends money.  I know all I can really do is validate and hope she makes a good choice, so this probably isn't asking for advice as much as it is venting at constantly being held hostage to her whims.  Still, if anyone has anything practical about helping a BPD keep a job I am all ears-- I am already doing the lion's share of the childcare and housework in addition to my full-time job, so I don't have anything more to give there.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cloudy Days]

My husband struggled keeping jobs and three weeks was about when he would start complaining about them. He would usually go for getting fired over quitting so that he could collect unemployment. He would call in a lot, even do no shows, and there were several where he yelled at a coworker for screwing up. The last job he had he thought people were conspiring against him, it was a good job that he got at the wrong time, he did quit that job. He ended up having a psychotic episode, I think he was spiraling before he even got the job and that is when his therapist suggested we try to file for disability. It took 4 really long years but we eventually won.

All I really have to say is that when he was working, I would do the codependent thing and try and make sure he kept his job. I would call in for him so he wouldn't do a no show and I would make up stories that he was really sick. I was more worried he was going to lose his job than he was worried about it.

[an0ught]

Hi DevilYouKnow,

I found these work related dramas good opportunity to coach her a little on boundary skills. In the end it is her job and her decision and I try to be careful not to slip into problem solving or taking sides. But where I can help is showing who owns what, what other parties may feel and alternative action paths that are not obvious to a person that tends to dive head-first into conflict.

What is putting my guard up right now is she is saying she should quit to tend to my PTSD (I am a five-time combat vet diagnosed with PTSD and major depression).  I have been painted as the crusher of her hopes and dreams and career enough times that I am wary she is lining this up in her mind as an excuse to quit without blaming herself. 

Is she walking on eggshells? If she is - and remember her perception is the judge here - then that is not good for your relationship and is also adding to her emotional base-load making her more unstable. You are certainly in a bind here as you do have real needs due to the PTSD. You as a couple have here a lot to cope with and the best you can do imho. is to sort the issues and place as many as you can as close to the person that can effectively deal with them: Her the BPD and you the PTSD. PwBPD have often weak boundaries and she may well be perceiving and maybe carrying more than you want her. Clarification and prioritization of your needs may help her to give you support where you truly need it and feel less burdened by stuff she can't help with and you have to carry  .