My wife moved back in...

[wundress]

Now I'm not sure it was what wanted after all. I feel so much resentment towards her because of her behaviour since July. I'm still hurting and financially struggling because of it all.

I can't let myself feel close to her. I feel almost constantly irritated and let down by her.

She shouts at me. I feel belittled. But worst of all I feel empty towards her.

I don't even want to talk to her about anything. Because I know if I do then she somehow manages to blame me. The exact thing happened this evening. I've been feeling irritated by her behaviour for ages. I've tried to talk about it over the weeks but she doesn't hear me. So this evening she shouted at me for no good reason. I told her I was not going to be shouted at and that if she needed to shout she should go somewhere away from me. Then she did a stroppy teenager thing, made herself a cup of tea (didn't offer me one even though I had literally walked in from work), had a smoke and then sat in front of the TV. I got cross so went upstairs to be away from her. She came up asking what my problem was and did I want to talk. I started talking and she stormed off saying there was no point talking to me. We had dinner which I made and then she went to darts.  She came back with flowers as an apology. She asked to talk so I told her exactly how I feel. She kept making excuses. So I said I had had enough and that I don't even want to talk to her anymore and that makes me feel lonely because I don't see much of my friends and my family is going through some stuff so don't want to talk to them. I said that I don't feel I even have her to talk to anymore and that our issues are really wearing me down. I said I feel I am shouldering all the responsibility again and having to parent her. Her response was "you always get like this when you haven't seen your friends". It's so frustrating because she constantly blames anyone but herself. She can bring flowers to apologise for being an idiot one second but then won't take any responsibility for how her behaviour is affecting me/us.

I don't know what to do anymore.  I feel unfulfilled in our relationship. We don't talk, we don't have sex, i don't really enjoy her company anymore either. It all feels very sad and hopeless.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

 

Wundress,

She certainly has some bad behavior.

Convincing a pwBPD to change their ways to improve the r/s is NOT a good plan.  You are the non and can make changes and then evaluate how that has improved the r/s or not.

You have some big things on your plate.

Resentment and anger:  She is not part of the plan to deal with that.  You and your support group are.  If you are looking for justice, doubtful you will find it from her. 

Remember, she has dysfunctional coping skills.  It is huge that she brought you flowers and made an attempt.  Next time please accept that and find a way to reinforce positive behavior.

Shouting:  Instead of telling her what to do, demonstrate that you respect and value yourself by stating your value and moving your ears somewhere there is no shouting.  Let her shout all she wants, just not in your ears.

100% success rate since you control your ears.

Listen, for a chance at long term success, you are going to need to find a way to have positive r/s interactions with her, while putting your anger and other issues on a back or side burner. 

Are you guys doing any kind of T or MC?

FF

[wundress]

Thanks. Yeah we are having therapy. I'm trying not to hold a grudge but it's very difficult when it feels like I am the only one making an effort and old habits are creeping back in.