I'm at a loss

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I'm at a loss. My wife of 16 years (together for 20) has BPD. All the symptoms, all the behaviors. My former therapist finally figured it out and confirmed it with my wife's (then) therapist. The out of the blue rages, the blame, the anger, the emotional and verbal abuse and name calling. She's 62 (I'm 58), and it certainly isn't improving with age. She is completely unable to contemplate the possibility of being wrong about anything, or there being anything wrong with her.

I travel a fair bit for work, and she's now convinced that I'm having an affair (which I'd absolutely never consider doing.) The unfounded suspicions and accusations are really getting to me (along with everything else.)

We've made countless trips to the ER - if she has a headache, it MUST be a brain tumor, or if she has a cough, it MUST be lung cancer.

I spent years thinking something was very wrong with me. I'm not sure that wasn't better. My therapist told me, "It's not about you," but that's easier said than done with the constancy of the criticism and blame. My own self-image is a tattered remnant of what it once was.

The constant micromanagement of my driving has made me such a nervous driver that I've finally had a couple of accidents after decades of safe driving.

My wife has threatened me, and even threatened our dogs. I absolutely know that a divorce would be financially and otherwise devastating for me with her approach to everything. I'd love to help her, but I don't even know where to begin - the premise of never telling anyone with BPD that they've got BPD kind of leaves me stalled at Step 1.

I just know I'm about at the end of my rope and can't take much more. I don't even know what I'm asking for, if anything. I've visited this board a couple of times in the past couple of years, and seeing just how debiltating this whole situation is for everyone involved has almost made me even more hopeless. But it feels kind of good to finally "talk" about this some. I love my wife but I can't take much more of this.

[LewisO]

I'm at a loss. My wife of 16 years (together for 20) has BPD. All the symptoms, all the behaviors. My former therapist finally figured it out and confirmed it with my wife's (then) therapist. The out of the blue rages, the blame, the anger, the emotional and verbal abuse and name calling. She's 62 (I'm 58), and it certainly isn't improving with age. She is completely unable to contemplate the possibility of being wrong about anything, or there being anything wrong with her.

I travel a fair bit for work, and she's now convinced that I'm having an affair (which I'd absolutely never consider doing.) The unfounded suspicions and accusations are really getting to me (along with everything else.)

We've made countless trips to the ER - if she has a headache, it MUST be a brain tumor, or if she has a cough, it MUST be lung cancer.

I spent years thinking something was very wrong with me. I'm not sure that wasn't better. My therapist told me, "It's not about you," but that's easier said than done with the constancy of the criticism and blame. My own self-image is a tattered remnant of what it once was.

The constant micromanagement of my driving has made me such a nervous driver that I've finally had a couple of accidents after decades of safe driving.

My wife has threatened me, and even threatened our dogs. I absolutely know that a divorce would be financially and otherwise devastating for me with her approach to everything. I'd love to help her, but I don't even know where to begin - the premise of never telling anyone with BPD that they've got BPD kind of leaves me stalled at Step 1.

I just know I'm about at the end of my rope and can't take much more. I don't even know what I'm asking for, if anything. I've visited this board a couple of times in the past couple of years, and seeing just how debiltating this whole situation is for everyone involved has almost made me even more hopeless. But it feels kind of good to finally "talk" about this some. I love my wife but I can't take much more of this.

[Caley]

I just know I'm about at the end of my rope and can't take much more.

It sounds like you have room for a little bit more before deciding you don't want anymore.

Have you considered letting go of the rope and trusting that the decision, to not hang on anymore, would be better for both you in immediate term and for her in the long term?

It's a tough call and a tough place to be. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is the right course of action. You get to take better care of yourself and she gets to experience the growth in learning to take care of herself.

I feel for you Lewis ... it's a dark and confusing place to be but you sound strong.

Best wishes.

[sweetheart]

Hello LewisO, Welcome to bpdfamily, I'm really pleased you decided to post and tell us what's going on in your marriage.

It sounds like it's be really tough for a long time, and like Caley said maybe you're still open to looking at options that might help stabilise and improve how you are feeling.

Knowing that your wife has BPD and that it's not all about you, does not, you are right in saying, halt the blame, criticism and projections that are symptoms of this illness. You are still living with the illness and knowing and awareness does not immediately reduce the impact on you.

So you are still understandably conflicted but staying, so we need to look at ways to help you improve your current situation and lessen the emotional impact on you. Are you still in therapy, if not, could this be an option that you might consider again?

Have you spent anytime reading the lessons on the right here ------> there is a lot of information dedicated to making a decision either way, often taking an inventory can be a useful place to start. I know when I was Undecided, this really helped me.

I understand what you are saying about the implications to you around divorce, but by not exploring what this might really look like for you can keep you very stuck. It can cause you to feel trapped.

Looking and exploring in full all the options available to you do not mean you have to act on them, however it can help you emotionally process what is happening for you today so that you are not overwhelmed by it all.

You're right it can and does often feel hopeless reading the difficult situations that other members here are having to navigate. It is as you know a hard illness to navigate, but there are ways of changing how we respond to it and it's impact on our lives.

Where would it help you most to start?