Test of my character

[flowerpath]

I often feel that some of this BPD work is a test of my character.  Knowing how I've responded to my husband the past few weeks instead of how I know I should respond, I've really failed this test. 

I'm so frustrated with his unemployment (6 months now), his really messy habits, and not knowing how I will support our household financially by myself when next month I will come to the end of what money I was able to save before he lost his job. 

I don't know why he can't get a job - not even one that pays minimum wage.  I can look at all of his mess, and not say anything about it even though it bothers me.  I can take care of what he said he would do, but doesn't do, and not say anything about it even though it bothers me.  I've been down the road of financial difficulties with him so many times.  Though I really don't look forward to doing it all over again, I know that we will survive it.

With all of this, it has become really difficult to just stop and think instead of firing back when he says the kinds of things that really send me over the edge.  It's those things he says that are evidence of this BPD more than anything.

I feel like I can't take it anymore.  I got so frustrated the other day that I told him that there is something wrong with the way that he thinks.  Against all of the advice here, I've told him that more than once now, and I really regret that.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[unicorn2014]

Flowerpath I'm from the conflicted board, so please take what I say with that in mind, and I hope you don't mind my response.

What is keeping you in your marriage?

In my former marriage, when my husband quit his job for the umpteenth time, I told him it was time to go. We had just moved to a new apartment where the rent was set to his income and he quit his job. I had had enough. He hasn't changed. He's still quitting jobs over 11 years later. He was like that when I was 5 months pregnant, and he's still like that now that our daughter is 15 years old. I was in a religious marriage and I still left. I'm not advising you to leave. I'm wondering do you have a limit or are you in a religion that doesn't allow divorce at all under any circumstances? I guess what I am asking you is what are your reasons for staying, if you don't mind.

[Cat Familiar]

Flowerpath, please don't be hard on yourself. You've been taking on the lion's share of the burdens in your relationship and having to cope with unkind words, irresponsibility and thoughtlessness. It's enough to send anyone over the edge.

I think now is a great time to really examine your relationship and ask yourself what you want your future to look like.

I know how frustrating it is to have a spouse refuse to share the financial burden. In fact, that was one of the factors that led me to end my first marriage.

You are doing your best in a very difficult situation.    

[flowerpath]

Thanks, unicorn and Cat.  There are a couple of reasons that I don't leave this marriage (or tell him that he needs to leave):

He lost his job as a result of a massive layoff at work.  He says he has applied for many jobs.  He knows that my income alone now is not going to be enough, and that he's really not in a position to be choosy about what kind of work it is.  He doesn't seem very organized about it though, and depending on his mood, gets defensive if I ask.  Before this last job, he was unemployed for a year and a half after his previous workplace closed.  Since we live in a very large metro area, it's really hard to understand this difficulty that he has finding work, except for the fact he doesn't have a college degree, has an extremely small network, and no one has known of any leads. 

After years and years of financial irresponsibility (furiously fighting against every financial goal I ever had), he has no savings and no retirement plan.  He's not old enough to receive social security benefits, so he has no way to pay for a place to live.  Morally, I just don't think it's right to tell him to leave in this kind of situation.  (So I am a caretaker... .)  Maybe he's planning some dramatic last-minute "save".  It would be like him to do that.

Our younger son is a college-age student and lives at home while preparing to pass some exams in his field of interest.  He's aware of my husband's personality disorder, but he doesn't see all of the behaviors toward me. Though my husband's behavior sometimes irritates our son, he has learned a lot about the reasons that things have been the way have, and for the most part, they get along OK now.  Even though things aren't the greatest, I want things to be as stable for him as possible until he finishes his exams and can get a job and live on his own. 

[divina]

, he was unemployed for a year and a half after his previous workplace closed.  Since we live in a very large metro area, it's really hard to understand this difficulty that he has finding work, except for the fact he doesn't have a college degree, has an extremely small network, and no one has known of any leads. 

After years and years of financial irresponsibility (furiously fighting against every financial goal I ever had), he has no savings and no retirement plan.  He's not old enough to receive social security benefits, so he has no way to pay for a place to live.  Morally, I just don't think it's right to tell him to leave in this kind of situation.  (So I am a caretaker... .)  Maybe he's planning some dramatic last-minute "save".  It would be like him to do that.

wow. this is/was my story with my ex-h who is a non and not related to why I am here. In the end, I did get a divorce, but I am still keeping a roof over DexH for the same reasons. We also have a young child and he does a lot of the child rearing and cleaning. I'd prefer he just go though.

[Cat Familiar]

I get where you're coming from and in the same circumstances I'd be doing exactly what you're doing, though undoubtedly I'd probably be more resentful.

My next question is what would you do if this situation continues once your son has launched on his career path?

[Stalwart]

Flowerpath:

I really am sorry to hear that you're in this situation and I can certainly sympathize with it and in some respects empathize or (sympathize) with your husband's situation as well.

although my DW is high-functioning in most regards her inability to stay with a job was really difficult. She was always protected in a provincial job (union) for 28 years and then quit prior to her pension. That's a whole story but not for here now. One of the real reasons and issues for me trying to get her to look at a diagnosis was because of her instability with keeping jobs. (I understand your husband's situation was neither a choice nor a repercussion of his inability to deal with others at work.) In the long run and a few years later both her diagnosis and some good stick handling resulted her being able to apply for an early disability pension based on her illness. This at least gave her some kind of income and removed her (and me) from the constant triggering that working with others would present. At the same time she feels as though in some regard she contributes.

Being laid off, or part of a work stoppage is really difficult for any guy. I've had my own experiences in the past with this and can honestly say it was extremely challenging for me to handle and I don't have the same issues of mental illness that your husband does. Losing the status of a "provider" along with the insecurities that applying for a job, (let alone the rejections that come with that have),  really, really present huge problems on a virtual constant basis." I'm certainly neither trying to defend him nor offend you by pointing these things out Flower, not my thing. Even the depression and to some degree the inherent 'laziness' that stems from that depression is challenging for him and even more so for you trying to struggle to make ends come together.

Leveling about finances and also trying to be supportive in 'helping him' find work is also difficult for the triggers it sets but still, I think it's a necessity in the situation. I know when I was off my wife didn't let up 'suggesting' what I do to look for jobs and even sending me postings in my email, (even given her track record at employment) I can say it does wear you down and make you more accountable to try though.

The same goes for the mess as well I think Flower. There really is nothing wrong with mentioning it if you're expected to be cleaning up after him when you get in from working. Even with the illness and triggers, there is some, "common sense" that remains common to all of us.

I hope he and you find you way through this difficulty and these times Flowerpath. I do know how difficult these times are.

[Cat Familiar]

Part of the problem about "doing it all" is that they come to expect that of you. And with pwBPD, we can be assured that they spend zero time imagining our reality and their behavioral impact upon us.

It's so hard to let them have consequences when it also impacts us. And certainly that's not appropriate when they're not pulling their fair share in terms of bringing in income.

I'm wondering if you could let him have consequences for unimportant things. It's really hard to do, I know. I wanted to avoid negative things befalling my husband. At the same time, messes drive me up the wall. So, it was with some sense of having to hold my nose and keep my mouth shut that I started letting bad things happen to his stuff. He'd leave wet laundry in the washer for days, which used to drive me crazy. I started not doing anything about it--not telling him, not putting it in the drier. Then after a few days, he'd show me these "mysterious brown spots" on his clothes and ask me what they were.

"Mildew," I said. When he asked me what to do about it, I'd tell him, but I wouldn't do it. Now, he seldom "forgets" his laundry in the washer.

Same with dishes left on the counter. When I no longer took care of it, but just left his mess, he would eventually clean it up. Certainly his standards of cleanliness are not up to my standards, but at least he's trying now.

Sometimes just seeing some effort on their part will greatly relieve some of the chronic irritation we can feel. And it sets them up to try. As they say in the horse world, "Reward the slightest try."

[unicorn2014]

Flowerpath, I appreciate the clarification between leaving and telling him to leave, as I told my ex husband to leave. Again I'm kind of hanging back here because I did divorce him, that was long before I came to these boards. I was dependent on my husband at the time, and for him to let me down like that was unacceptable to me. I would rather fend for myself then be subject to his drug induced, mood disordered induced whims.