The end is the beginning, but feels like the end.

[Shale]

I've made a lot of bad choices that felt good, but this is the first time I've ever made a good one that felt bad.

Everyone was so happy for me, finding someone who loved me so intensely, someone who could match my passion and energy, someone so gifted in art and music to complement my own skills in speech and writing without overlapping, overshadowing, or competing with me. Someone who loved music as much as I do without actually liking any of the same music so that we could stay up until the sun came up talking about it, sharing, showing, laughing. Everything was effortless and everything was what I had always wanted but thought couldn't exist in one person.

Everything was perfect, wasn't it?

I mean for most of us, not just me. You can't know what you don't know though, so when it starts to show you don't see it, you don't know what you're looking at, and by the time you see it you're hooked anyway. Small things at first, things that make you wonder what secret she has, what happened to her in whatever past relationship to cause her to respond or act like that... .because there's no way that it's because of you, you didn't even do anything. At this point you can still see it for what it is once you know where to look; and it most certainly isn't your fault because you didn't do anything yet.

If you're lucky you ask her and she tells you what's wrong with her and all the things she struggles with. And that's when you learn what it is, this disorder that makes loved ones feel like they're standing in a whirlwind full of broken glass and barbed wire, trying to drag her out while she fights to stay.

And that's when you decide you can help this person get better.

So I bought all the books, I read all the websites, I browsed the heck out of this forum. Doing something made things feel better so that I didn't notice they were actually getting worse. The slide was soft and slow but steady and real. I was patient and willing to learn and do so much that, though I didn't notice at the time, it allowed her to nothing.

Sometimes you don't notice you're an enabler, even when you are consciously trying not to be an enabler.

Soon enough the bad noise, things thrown and broken, words said that can't be taken back. You all know the story from here, or your own variation of it. Before you know it you don't talk to your friends anymore, your family knows you're busy and doesn't want to pry.

You're with the person you love more than anything in the world and yet you feel completely alone because even when it's nice and quiet and perfect as it is sometimes... .they aren't there. They're off somewhere else missing it.

And my life? I was off missing that.

So many times I said "this can never happen again, you can never treat me this way again, or this is over" and didn't stick to my guns because I love her. Then one day I realized there was so very little of me left that if it didn't end then I was done for. I asked her "you remember all the times I said 'never again?' Well, I'm never saying that again... .so do whatever you want with that information."

We tried. I helped her find a place, helped her move in, helped her set up, and then tried to have hope she could take some time and space and see what she was losing and make some changes so that one day in the future there'd be an us again. There was just one rule; no more crazy stuff around me.

That rule was broken again and again; the last time I had to call the police so that a friend of mine could leave my apartment safely. That was when I realized no contact was the only way to get me back to me.

And it sucks. And it hurts. And I hate it, but not more than living with it. For the last two months I haven't done much for myself; cook, eat, sleep, clean, go to work, go out with friends so I don't rattle around my place alone trying not to call her to make sure she's okay. As time goes by I see more of me in the mirror, it gets easier.

The hardest thing now is trying to relate to normal people again. We don't always see how much of them gets into us. People like me but when I talk to them I'm always looking for their angle, or stepping carefully to avoid the explosions that will never come again. There's a girl that's interested in me and I can't even communicate with her via text message because without the physical and verbal cues, the subtext, I think she's running me down because I can't read a message without reading between the lines and planning my defense.

I know that'll pass too. That's how I know my profile needs to stay low right now. Take everything slow.

There's no "me and the world" without me, and me isn't really all back yet.

*shrug*

[Scopikaz]

Wow. Just wow!  Excellent!

[beatrixkiddo]

Been through all of that and got the t-shirt. Police, shame, all of it.  Some I'm not sure I'll ever be able to vocalize. You are NOT alone. You wouldn't be human if you weren't feeling all of those emotions. I completely melted down on the 2nd day after leaving. My intellect knew I had done the right thing, but my emotion was NOT interested in rational thought. It takes time. Actually it takes LOTS of time. I tried dating shortly after leaving, then realized how much I needed to take some time to hold my own hand and get back to my own strength. It was the best process I could have ever given myself. Everyone needs to find their own pace. That was mine. I took time to let my old self come back. And I found validation from this site. But I also found healing by posting back to others struggling through it. Keep up the strength!

[Shale]

I tried dating shortly after leaving, then realized how much I needed to take some time to hold my own hand and get back to my own strength.

Yep. Right now I would be the worst thing to ever happen to some poor girl if I fell into that trap of thinking I was all good to go again.

[beatrixkiddo]

Shale, Exactly. I was acutely aware of my need to take time. I worry when I watch so many dive back in too quickly before healing.  You have great self awareness, which many often lose in this awful dysfunction. Take your time. And use a heightened discernment.

[Shale]

The challenge for me is that I didn't want this. I didn't want to be alone, I didn't want to lose her; but I never really had her to begin with. You can't pine for something you never really had. That's how this all started in the first place... .I thought I was joining up with the person who loved me the hardest and by the time I knew it for what it was, and that I was just one more stop on her path of heartache, I had actually convinced myself that I could help her break that pattern, and as soon as I applied my effort she ceased applying her own.

I still don't want to be alone, but at least I know I can't be with her.

[Frank88]

Shale: Very well said.  Eerily familiar to me.  I said "last time" too many times as well.  How long have you been out now?

[Sunfl0wer]

Hi Shale, welcome!

It has been about a year for me since I first came here.  I want to say thank you so much for expressing your story here!  Even now, many months later, I still find healing in hearing my experienced expressed so well... .even if in another persons words.  I relate to almost every word here.

Like yourself, I did not want things to end. 

Things were great in the beginning.  I joked and thought they 'were too good to be true.'  I know I tend to be cynical so I reminded myself to 'relax, it is ok, you DO deserve this.'  I thought personal growth meant accepting this 'great relationship' vs looking for flags.

I too slowly slipped into behaving co dependent. 

I thought... .If only... . 

... .I could fix him.

... .I could show him.

... .maybe MC could show him.

Thank you for sharing!  Keep posting!

Feel free to share more details when you are ready... .

How long since the split? 

Kids? 

How long were you two together?

[Shale]

How long have you been out now?

It has been about a year for me since I first came here.  I want to say thank you so much for expressing your story here!  Even now, many months later, I still find healing in hearing my experienced expressed so well... .even if in another persons words.  I relate to almost every word here.

Like yourself, I did not want things to end.  

Things were great in the beginning.  I joked and thought they 'were too good to be true.'  I know I tend to be cynical so I reminded myself to 'relax, it is ok, you DO deserve this.'  I thought personal growth meant accepting this 'great relationship' vs looking for flags.

How long since the split?  

Kids?  

How long were you two together?

The last half of November was when I told her she obviously couldn't get it right in proximity to me so she had to go for my own sake. She didn't know this, but that was me getting her out of my space in case it suddenly went very bad so that NC would be faster, easier, and final. We'd tried physical distance before and it lead to some great revelations on my part, the illusion of revelation in her, and ultimately an escalation in her self destructive behavior that I felt I had to return to put a stop to. I knew at the time how wrong that was, but I couldn't bear to think of her dead and she tried a couple times... .so that was a calculated risk. It paid off in the dividend of a fresh spike of new relationship energy but that was about it. It did however set her up to feel a little better about herself, so I suppose that was me making a sacrifice upon myself so that if it ever had to end she wouldn't implode again.

That's all hindsight. At the time I, of course, thought everything was finally going to be okay.

So it was December that she moved out and we had every intention of maintaining hope while making ourselves better. Mine was a jaded hope, jaded and veiled. The "okay, let's try this, but no more crazy stuff towards me" rule was broken on day 2, day 3, and every day after that unless I bowed to her ridiculous expectations of me. That was all I needed to see. Her not making any changes whatsoever and still insisting she could throw as much weirdness at me as possible and I would just take it because that's how love works. She learned that from her mom, love is a transaction, and me? I ain't havin' it.

We spent Christmas together but she just simmered the whole time because I was spending the day cooking to feed my staff at work on Boxing Day, and since I only cook for those I love I must love them more than her etcetera. I could see her trying, she was fighting it off really hard and I admired her for that. There was no bad noise that day but it was so obvious the only reason she drank so much wine was so I wouldn't let her drive home. I guess if you have to live with boundaries then you find a way to remove them.

There were plans for New Years but somewhere between Christmas and NYE she imploded again. I'd suggested that instead of our isolated her and I plans that we see some mutual friends first. That was all it took. She saw it as proof that I liked them better, hated her, and just wanted to weasel out of my plans with her. The barrages of middle-of-the-night text messages started. The nonsense. The driving by my place to see if anyone was there.

It wasn't long after that that I called the police on her for the last time. It was a really bad night. I don't need to get into the lies and manipulation that lead up to it but when she pretended to be elsewhere but showed up screaming and banging on the door because other tenants recognized her and let her in... .it went south fast from there. I had a friend over who was so bloody terrified... .she was just so scared you guys. It was eye opening. To me it was just "oh, more of this, I recognize this, I know how this works" but to see another who doesn't know the score observing with terror on her face. A lot of things really clicked in. I looked at my friend and said "you know what? F this, I'm not qualified to deal with this, I'm calling the police. Just DON'T open the door."

And that's that. Within a week I had all my ties with her severed, and because I had a female friend in my home (it's not like that, we're more like brother and sister than friends, but I know my ex won't ever understand that these types of healthy friendships exist across gender boundaries) she hates me, I'm the bad guy, and she never wants to speak to me again.

And like we all know... .that hurts, but I'm okay with it. I'd suspected for awhile that I'd eventually be just another chapter in her victim story anyway.

So I guess that's almost two months since going NC. It gets easier every day. I just realized today that I don't really remember what her normal voice sounds like, but I can still remember her manic chatter and her enraged scream and her "no I didn't get out of bed today" drone. That's really sad, sitting here typing that a tear is in my eye. Even our good memories that I used to love are just clouded with that manic glint now that I'm out. At the time it was "wow this girl is so excited to be around me!" and now it's just "wow... .that girl was really unstable all along."

Everyone is going to seem so boring after her, and I might actually be looking forward to that. In the meantime it's three and a half years of my life I'll never get back.

We can invest time, spend time, or waste time. When I realized I'd gone from investing to just spending I was still okay with that. I know nothing is forever. But when it slipped from spending to wasting... .honestly I just couldn't watch her lie in bed hating herself, ranting and stomping around hating me with a wineglass in her hand, smirking that smug smirk while hating everyone else when I could get her out and about. That's not the girl I fell in love with... .but that girl I fell in love with was just a fever dream at the beginning of a long slow death.

K... .that's too much of this for one day. I can only choke back so many tears because I hate the taste of my own sadness.

[FallBack!Monster]

When I read everyone's stories I feel like someone is mocking me.  We all have been through the same exact experiences.  Some for a longer time than others but WOW, its just crazy.  Like me, I'm sure some of u have been on plenty of forums trying to convince yourselves that this is not your experience.  But as we keep reading the facts can no longer be denied.

Great post.  Thanks

[Shale]

If no one minds, I'm going to slowly unpack details in this thread until it overflows at page 6 then start another one. I'm trying to make sense of things as they played out. I was blind at the time, but now I see, so I want to really go through it and I'd rather do it here where others who've gone through similar things can chime in along the way as opposed to in a diary or journal where I can ruminate and get distracted.

But I don't know where to start.

[kc sunshine]

Wow, yes. And so beautifully written Shale.

[ja.pani.ka]

Shale,

I'm going through this this very moment, I can only wish you courage and strength. And hope we will ever be able to detach from this experience and trust someone again.

All the best

[Sunfl0wer]

Thank you for sharing.  Let us know what you need, or it is fine if you just want to get it out.

Take your time.

You can start at the beginning, how you two met?

Or anywhere you like, ... .when you feel like it.

I have read a thread of another member's story around here. I think it is Dylan71. Quite interesting and helpful to feel through his eyes how the whole thing unfolded and devolved... .and how he processed it at different points in time.

Yup, found it in case you are interested in some reading:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=86912.1050

Idk, I find it helpful because I tend to remember only how I see things today and I forget the struggle and process I went through to understand things... .before I understood things.  Reading how others are discovering things has helped me remember that I had less awareness in my past than today and I can have compassion for me earlier self.