BPD ex partner nearly destroyed my life

[Fifilavelle]

Hi, just wanted to share my story. Met a guy 18 months ago, both in our mid 40s. Up until this point I had been divorced a few years with 2 grown up children, and had got myself together, been dating on and off and then met `P`.  Same old story Ive kind of read on here with all BPD relationships, however had never heard of it before in my life  My first inclining into it was after the whirlwind, this intense jealousy and lack of trust was appearing.  He was a big 6ft 2 builder, very rough upbringing, I mean really harsh, which drew the biggest sympathy from me, being a very empathetic person.  The first rage occurred 2 months into the relationship, I was dumbfounded, came out of nowhere and was devastated as had fallen head over heals.  I broke up as it was a serious rage beginning of December 2014.  Walked away and then New Years Eve, we got in contact, I was lonely, missed him and he was round like a shot.  It was bliss for 5 weeks, and then valentines night, drink was always involved, the next rage out of nowhere, then the next on my birthday in May when he went home with all the presents he bought me.  Weird.  But guess what, I kept allowing him back.  Everytime we split up I couldnt work out why or what had happened.  I had never had feelings for someone so intense before and couldn't work out why he was so insecure, jealous and wanting to create problems continually.  Long story short, its now end of July, the whole relationship a complete rollercoaster that I seemed unable to get off from, he attempted an overdose.  To me it was an attention thing, but I had no choice but to call police,  It ended up him being pepper sprayed and dragged out of my house by 6 police officers.  They brought him to station, apparently he was so out of control he had to be tasered.  When he fell unconscious he was brought to hospital.  He was ok, he slept for 2 days and was seen by 2 pyschiatrists in the hospital and released with no follow up.  I felt he was vunerable and took him back,  Thought poor guy, why isn't he coping?  I was totally oblivious to what I was really dealing with.  He stayed at mine for 2 weeks, but is behaviour was starting to worry me.  I had got him into counselling as a rouse to save our relationship, but I knew he had deep rooted issues and if we could get help, there was a chance.  No... . 2 weeks later he lost the plot.  He took a blowtorch to the top floor of my property and set it on fire whilst 10 police officers were in the house.  I had had to call them as he had randomly started to smash the house up.  To date the insurance claim rests at around £100k.  I had to be rehomed for 6 months and still not back in my property. He had threatened to harm my son and my dog.    I had only got contents insurance out 6 months previous.  He was charged with arson with intent to endanger life but took a plea for the lesser charge, reckless intent.  Sentencing has been delayed due to psychiatric testing.  I started looking up BPD before he started counselling.  Everything pointed in that direction apart from the suicidal tendancies, until July!

My life has been turned upside down inside out by this one fella.  I am on tablets now, and I coped with divorce and my exhusband dying 6 months after before meeting my ex BPD.  That pales into comparison with what has happened to my life since.  I come from strong stock, but this has floored me.  This man who apparently had never met anyone in his life like me, adored me, wanted to marry me, he couldn't of hurt me more than anyone in my life.  I think they are pure evil, and deserve to live a life of pain as they cause their victims.  I really hope he gets prison and not the easier option of a mental hospital, where he can get pills and more freedom.  Illness or not, we all have the capacity to make informed choices however messed up our childhoods were.  I cant find anything on this site that created this sorted of chaos.  Just wondered if anyone could resonate with any of this madness>

[AsGoodAsItGets]

Met ex BPD at the height of my life, 400k own business, I practically saved her life, kept her out of jail, rehab, counseling, provided everything and loved her like no one I ever loved.  I'm now 40k in debt, just started working and life seems meaningless, so we do know what your going through.  Wish I had the great words or advice, but I do share your pain. 

[zeus123]

AsGoodAsItGets, you should thank god you got out intact and alive, a relationship with a Borderline can actually kill you. you lucky you don't have any kids with her... be strong and stay away from BPDs. a borderline is like a tornado that rips through your life leaving only destruction and chaos in its wake...

[Welgrow]

I recently got out of a relationship with an undiagnosed BPD waif... .I usually don't talk a lot about the older relationship I was in with my daughter's mom, who is a diagnosed borderline... .I think this tale may resonate with you about the more dangerous types.

I met her in college and things moved fast. Initially she was very kind to me, but I recognized that she had a rough childhood with a history of abuse. She and I moved in way too quickly (at about 3 months) and that's when the craziness started. She became mean out of nowhere, and I had no desire to put up with it. I was going to give her the boot, but I decided to give her one more chance and on the day of our reconciliation we discovered that she was pregnant. We had many more "crazy" moments and mood swings, but I attributed these to her hormonal changes resulting from the pregnancy. I tried to forgive and have empathy, but these rages scared me at times.

We had our daughter and the rages didn't stop. She seemed like she didn't really like our daughter at times, and I had decided to stay home on paternity leave while she immediately went back to work. I was less mature at the time, and I was easily baited into arguments. She found and lost many jobs, and she successfully alienated me from my family and supports. We moved across country in hopes of saving the relationship and finding a fresh start, but these episodes continued along with her inability to hold a job or keep up with responsibilities. We had an argument one night and I asked her to get out of my car... .Her response was to call the police and tell them that I hit her. I drove directly to the nearest police station and got out of the car until the police came out to sort it out. They realized that she fabricated the violence accusation and luckily I wasn't arrested... .I put up with her mood swings for another couple of years... .She lost many jobs and rarely contributed to the household. I finally had enough and resolutely decided to leave, but to continue coparenting our daughter. Immediately upon moving out the threats began. She grabbed my daughter away from me on several occasions, each time with the common threat "you'll never see her again"! I did everything I could to keep the peace, including allowing her to walk all over me at times. I did it to keep my daughter in my life.

My ex became ever more aggressive and demanding over the next couple years until the day when I told her that I met someone. She hid my daughter on my parenting days, found my girlfriend on Facebook and created a website calling my girlfriend a child molester. She contacted my girlfriend's Facebook friends and fabricated lies about my girlfriend having STDs... .It didn't stop there, but my girlfriend at that time was scared off and I was alone again.

I filed for full custody and a few days after the papers were served she called the police again and accused me of hitting her. She put a restraining order on me and tried to deny me access to my daughter... .When that didn't work she called my job and tried to get me fired. She went to child protective services and accused me of being a child molester. I was lost... .I didn't know anyone was capable of being this damaging. She had literally stalked me on a few occasions... .One time she dented my front door and then sat around the corner watching my house.

I was in a terrible state of depression and traumatic stress during this period and I sought out counseling for myself. Things got better. Child protective services saw through her attempts to destroy me and reversed the investigation to investigate her. The courts allowed us to get the restraining order dropped and I pushed for a mutual no contact order. Finally, the child custody evaluator did psych evals and discovered that my ex is Borderline... .She recommended full custody to me and I felt vindicated. But... .That wasn't the end... .My ex kidnapped my daughter and staged a false missing persons report. I was devastated again. It only lasted about 10 hours... .The longest of my life. They caught her and brought my daughter back to me.

Currently my ex is court mandated to stay away from us. She has violated those court orders on numerous occasions and has been sent back to jail a couple of times. She ended up doing the same thing with another guy and was caught after running off with their child. She's currently serving a two year sentence. And I know she'll be back with her drama at some point... .

[Shale]

I think they are pure evil, and deserve to live a life of pain as they cause their victims.  I really hope he gets prison and not the easier option of a mental hospital, where he can get pills and more freedom.  Illness or not, we all have the capacity to make informed choices however messed up our childhoods were.

Your story is terrible. My heart goes out to you in a huge way. Know that. No one asks for, looks for, or deserves what you've been through.

When your anger and hurt and pain subsides what I'm about to say about the bit I quoted might mean more than it ever could right now.

They aren't pure evil, they're pure illness. They *do* live a life of pain you and I, the nons, will never understand. Prison won't treat him, it will harden him and make him worse, a hospital might teach him some skills so this never happens to someone else at his hands ever again... .hopefully. And no, illness or not we don't all have the capacity to make informed choices... .that's sort of the definition of a mental illness, the inability to make informed choices.

I'm no apologist. F that guy, he wrecked your life up hard. Be mad. But when the anger fades, remember we're all humans, even him, and he experiences a reality you can't even see... .eventually that fact will give you more comfort than pain.

[Fifilavelle]

Yes, but he was nearly 50, had survived a 14 yr marriage, 3 kids. Why did it take me for all this crap to show. All i did was adore him. Heartbreaking

[shawnav]

Your story is terrible. My heart goes out to you in a huge way. Know that. No one asks for, looks for, or deserves what you've been through.

When your anger and hurt and pain subsides what I'm about to say about the bit I quoted might mean more than it ever could right now.

They aren't pure evil, they're pure illness. They *do* live a life of pain you and I, the nons, will never understand. Prison won't treat him, it will harden him and make him worse, a hospital might teach him some skills so this never happens to someone else at his hands ever again... .hopefully. And no, illness or not we don't all have the capacity to make informed choices... .that's sort of the definition of a mental illness, the inability to make informed choices.

I'm no apologist. F that guy, he wrecked your life up hard. Be mad. But when the anger fades, remember we're all humans, even him, and he experiences a reality you can't even see... .eventually that fact will give you more comfort than pain.

Shale-I love you   . Every word of your reply is exactly what I was thinking, but never could have worded as eloquently as you did. Once I realized all of the pain I went through with my exBPDbf wasn't even close to the intensity of the pain he deals with every second of every day I couldn't be angry with him anymore. Everything I went through with him made sense. And I just wanted to find an end to his pain to give us a fighting chance. These people who suffer with this terrible disease; without their pain... .would and could be wonderfully kind and amazing people. I've seen that side to my ex in his moments of clarity. I know that's what's underneath the pain and THAT wonderfully kindhearted person is the REAL ex. Not this broken person who doesn't even understand himself in his most volatile moments. They're not inherently evil. Sociopaths and psychopaths are. Although, the behaviors mimic each other quite a bit, BPD's are not sociopaths or psychopaths. They're deeply hurting, wounded and broken. We all are at some point in our life.

[Shale]

Yes, but he was nearly 50, had survived a 14 yr marriage, 3 kids. Why did it take me for all this crap to show. All i did was adore him. Heartbreaking

Maybe it didn't take you, maybe it was like that with his previous relationship as well and you just didn't hear about it. I know that I never got to hear an honest account of my ex's previous relationships. They were all monsters and I got to hear a very well crafted victim story... .which I no doubt am now a main character in.

I'm sorry if my previous post seemed insensitive or invalidating. I didn't go through nearly the danger and madness you seem to have, but I completely understand your heartbreak and that ache and pain and confusion. It's the main reason I got out of bed at 3am to drink a screwdriver and browse this forum.

All I did was adore her.

*shrug*

[Shale]

I've seen that side to my ex in his moments of clarity. I know that's what's underneath the pain and THAT wonderfully kindhearted person is the REAL ex. Not this broken person who doesn't even understand himself in his most volatile moments.

Mine too... .just such an amazing and beautiful person. An amazing and beautiful person who hurt me almost every single day, and *that* is the real ex. I could be wrong, but I think we are whoever we spend the majority of our time being. And these poor folks spend the majority of their time hating themselves, being afraid, and hurting those closest to them. That's the real them, no matter how poetically we look back on the good times.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Fifilavelle,

Welcome to bpdfamily. I am so sorry to hear of what happened to you. You have had a really harrowing experience and your feelings are so very understandable. How painful and scary to go through that!    I am glad that you are at least physically safe, although I know the immense toll such an experience takes on your emotions and body all the same.

I'm so glad that you decided to tell your story. Keep writing; it really helps to let it all out. It helps to process your grief and find listeners who really can relate to what you are going through. We understand the shock and pain that these kinds of breakups can cause. I want you to know that there is definitely hope. Things do get better. It takes time and effort and isn't easy by any means, but you can get through this and thrive again.

Fifilavelle, do you have a good support system around you? Your kinds, other family and friends you can count on?

Keep writing. We're listening and we care.   

heartandwhole

[C.Stein]

I've seen that side to my ex in his moments of clarity. I know that's what's underneath the pain and THAT wonderfully kindhearted person is the REAL ex. Not this broken person who doesn't even understand himself in his most volatile moments.

Mine too... .just such an amazing and beautiful person. An amazing and beautiful person who hurt me almost every single day, and *that* is the real ex. I could be wrong, but I think we are whoever we spend the majority of our time being. And these poor folks spend the majority of their time hating themselves, being afraid, and hurting those closest to them. That's the real them, no matter how poetically we look back on the good times.

Mine as well.  Outside of the relationship she is a truly wonderful person who is very upbeat, generous and caring.  Inside the relationship she was a quite often a mess.  I remember asking her on several occasions when she was behaving in destructive ways in our relationship why she couldn't be the person she was with everyone else when she was with me.  Why she seemed hell bent on destroying everything good in her life.  It really confused me at the time how she could be the polar opposite of her "normal" self, the person (or side of herself) that I fell deeply in love with in the beginning.   I am less confused since I discovered (post-discard) she likely suffers from BPD.

Due to tumultuous conditions in her life when I met her she exhibited pretty much all 9 of the BPD traits at one time or another.  The "honeymoon" period wasn't a honeymoon at all!  It was an emotional roller-coaster of her making that caused me a lot of pain.  Given all the stuff she was dealing with at the time I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt in spite of all the red flags waving in my face.  

While it did get somewhat better as her life stabilized to some extent the hurtful behavior never really stopped.  More importantly she never attempted to fix any damage she did to me or our relationship, just swept it under the rug and pretended like nothing ever happened.  She is a professional and perpetual victim, particularly when faced with her hurtful actions and behavior.  She would sometimes sink into a 2-3 day self-hating, self-deprecating depression whenever she hurt me which effectively took all the attention away from what she did.   As a consequence my concerns and feelings/emotions were marginalized and never really acknowledged by her.  I as a human being was marginalized and essentially ignored.  The emotional wounds she inflicted never healed before the next cut came so they just got deeper and deeper and I got more distant without even realizing it.  

Looking back now I realize once I reached a certain emotional (and physical) distance things stabilized (more or less) with her.  I believe I was walking the push/pull line.   That said, the emotional distance was too far for a truly intimate relationship and I don't think either one of us was happy with that.  I wanted that deep emotionally intimate relationship with her, which we did have at one point (I think).  However I feel it is impossible for her to sustain this type of relationship because the emotional risks are simply too high for her.  The closer I got to her, the more I open my heart to her, the more destructive she became.    

Now I am here ... .closing in on 7 months since being thrown away like trash, still an emotional wreck, still trying to pick up the pieces of my life.  It has gotten better though.  At least I don't have constant tears in my eyes anymore.  The hurricane of emotions is down to thunder showers.  Still find myself with tears in my eyes daily though.  I have never been so profoundly hurt and impacted on nearly every level like I have with this woman, probably because I opened up to her and trusted her more than I have anyone in my life.  What a fool I am.

Just keep moving forward one step at a time I guess.

[troisette]

Hello Fifiaville

I empathise with your feelings. I am a mature woman who has overcome, and recovered from, terrible life events.

I am a strong woman but nothing prepared me for a relationship and break up with a BPD. What you are experiencing is normal. I could not believe the effect a BPD relationship had on me, I was totally unprepared for it.

Sympathies for you. The starting point is acceptance that you unknowingly became involved with someone with a serious illness - not your fault. But you will recover, giving yourself time and self-care. Read the boards, it takes time but recovery is possible. 

[Fifilavelle]

Shake, no offence taken to any of your comments. I understood him better than himself which is why I stayed in the relationship even with massive red flags. I saw the hurt and pain, and underneath it all he just wanted to be loved. I know why he fell so hard for me, which in turn brought out the monster to its fullest, pure fear of abandonment.  I know whatever I did, would not have changed that, but, I got caught up in the madness.  In the moments of clarity, he was the sweetest most giving person, emotionally and in every other way and would have done anything for me, but he was much more his illness than I knew.  I'm 6 months on, and as separation was forced, I am clearer about everything. I had to submit a victim statement to the courts where I was actually sympathetic to him and asked them to look more into his mental health and drinking issues rather than long term incarceration. Prison will harden an already hardened character, but I don't know if it is too ingrained now and beyond help.  I will never meet another soul like him again, but will have a restraining order in place, with no contact lifetime.  He has damaged me emotionally and psychologically, and I hope to god I recover in time. Thankyou all for your comments