I'm feeling at wits end, out of patience and understanding, Father is dying

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'll try to keep this short.  V-day week-end was wonderful.  Over the last 2 weeks I have been able to prevent all raging and dysreg before it went full on with what I have learned here and been practicing.  However, On V-day I found out my father has cancer. (lung)  My mom died 20 yrs ago from lung cancer.  My uBPDw actually seemed to understand we had to cut things short and get to the hospital.  After a long day we arrive home.  Then she starts with all the negativity.  I stopped her and said "I just found out a cpl hours ago my father has cancer, please don't do this tonight."  Then I fell to my knees and bursted into the most pathetic, sobbing cry.  My wife said nothing.  She just looked at me periodically and then walked away from me as I"m still on my knees, sobbing, head in my hands, and really just crying my heart out.  I didn't want attention from her I was just so very sad and had had all I could take.  My wife told my daughters of my breakdown. (which I later thought to be nice since I knew she could not handle my emotional state)  My daughters sat by me for 25-30 minutes.  I pulled myself together and hugged them.  :)uring this time my wife just sat on the bed watching tv like nothing was wrong.  When my daughters hugged me she looked at me then quickly looked away when I motioned for her to join our hug.  :)idn't want her to feel alienated and I really would have liked a nice family hug but I'll take what I can get.

Now today, she's working and I am here finding out if my father has mets to any other area of his body and what the plan is.  My father has been ill for a few years now and won't last long on this earth with such an illness.  :)uring the day today she called me a cpl times, she vented about work, I let her talk then thought I'd share my father's news with her.  Nope, she's off the phone abruptly.  She calls again to vent about her co-worker a second time.  My wife and another lady there is having this tug-o-war over the attention of this new guy hired.  My wife and this other woman are training him on alternating days and my wife talks way to much about this guy, and how wonderful he is.  It's clear she gets jealous and possessive over this guy with her other co-worker.  I've been thru this many times in the past.  It dies out after a bit.  But she didn't ask a single time how I am or how my father is.  Right now this is just too much to handle.  She is never there for my when I REALLY need her.  I am so sick of feeling incidental and alone.  I don't have the energy or patience to be dealing with her.  She just continues to inflict deep wounds and makes huge withdrawals from my love bank for her with this kind of thing.  She's so focused on this new guy she wouldn't notice what happens in my life.   Maybe I could use some advice how to handle some of this.  I just feel like I can't think and am emotionally drained.

How do I set boundaries with this?  I lose overtime because it is work related.  

What can I say to her that won't make her rage about how I need her here for me during this?

[EmotionalWarfare]

I'll try to keep this short.  V-day week-end was wonderful.  Over the last 2 weeks I have been able to prevent all raging and dysreg before it went full on with what I have learned here and been practicing.  However, On V-day I found out my father has cancer. (lung)  My mom died 20 yrs ago from lung cancer.  My uBPDw actually seemed to understand we had to cut things short and get to the hospital.  After a long day we arrive home.  Then she starts with all the negativity.  I stopped her and said "I just found out a cpl hours ago my father has cancer, please don't do this tonight."  Then I fell to my knees and bursted into the most pathetic, sobbing cry.  My wife said nothing.  She just looked at me periodically and then walked away from me as I"m still on my knees, sobbing, head in my hands, and really just crying my heart out.  I didn't want attention from her I was just so very sad and had had all I could take.  My wife told my daughters of my breakdown. (which I later thought to be nice since I knew she could not handle my emotional state)  My daughters sat by me for 25-30 minutes.  I pulled myself together and hugged them.  :)uring this time my wife just sat on the bed watching tv like nothing was wrong.  When my daughters hugged me she looked at me then quickly looked away when I motioned for her to join our hug.  :)idn't want her to feel alienated and I really would have liked a nice family hug but I'll take what I can get.

Now today, she's working and I am here finding out if my father has mets to any other area of his body and what the plan is.  My father has been ill for a few years now and won't last long on this earth with such an illness.  :)uring the day today she called me a cpl times, she vented about work, I let her talk then thought I'd share my father's news with her.  Nope, she's off the phone abruptly.  She calls again to vent about her co-worker a second time.  My wife and another lady there is having this tug-o-war over the attention of this new guy hired.  My wife and this other woman are training him on alternating days and my wife talks way to much about this guy, and how wonderful he is.  It's clear she gets jealous and possessive over this guy with her other co-worker.  I've been thru this many times in the past.  It dies out after a bit.  But she didn't ask a single time how I am or how my father is.  Right now this is just too much to handle.  She is never there for my when I REALLY need her.  I am so sick of feeling incidental and alone.  I don't have the energy or patience to be dealing with her.  She just continues to inflict deep wounds and makes huge withdrawals from my love bank for her with this kind of thing.  She's so focused on this new guy she wouldn't notice what happens in my life.   Maybe I could use some advice how to handle some of this.  I just feel like I can't think and am emotionally drained.

How do I set boundaries with this?  I lose overtime because it is work related.  

What can I say to her that won't make her rage about how I need her here for me during this?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

I am so sorry about your father's illness, EW. PwBPD cannot handle our emotional burdens. It's really so unfair that we are there for them, but they cannot be there for us--it's just too overwhelming for them and they have to retreat.

I do think that she was doing her best in that  she engaged your daughters in support of you, but it's got to be tremendously disappointing that she couldn't be of support to you herself.   

[Notwendy]

I am sorry to hear about your father. My father died several years ago. It was a really tough time for me. I knew my mother had BPD at the time, but I really didn't know much about it. Like your wife, she had a paradoxical response to it, she was disregulated and cruel. I felt very hurt at the time. As to being a grieving daughter, I didn't feel I had emotional support from her, or her FOO. However, I was able to process this and not take it personally. Their behavior was about them, and their inability to deal with emotions. This was very stressful on my mother, and her behavior reflected that, but not in the expected way.

Boundaries are important to mention here. I have noticed over the years that strong negative emotions on my part are triggering to my H. I used to take this personally, but I now have come to believe that he can't handle me being upset- especially if they had anything to do with him, but even if they did not. Things can feel tense between us if I am stressed over something not related to him. If I got really busy with the kids, or work, he would feel as if I was ignoring him personally and then he would get snappy or withdraw.

My mother personalizes these things. If I had a stomach ache as a kid and threw up,or woke her up at night as a baby,  she really believed that I did it on purpose to her. I recall as a teen ager being upset about something about a school friend, and telling her about it. I was being empathetic about a friend's situation. I expected her to "get it" but she just didn't. I recall the puzzled look on her face while I was trying to explain how I felt about the friend's situation.

I don't recall how my H responded emotionally around the time my father died. I don't remember much afterwards as I cried for months with grief and over the drama in my FOO over it. While my relationship is important to me, I don't think at the time I had any emotional energy to care about it. I had to pull it together to take care of the kids, and that was about all I could do.

I think one way to look at your wife is not that she is unwilling to be comforting- but that she is unable. In addition, she can not manage her own emotions. This is why pw BPD feel more comfortable when we are calm, stable, and not reactive to them. They have poor boundaries, so even if we are feeling sad, grouchy, irritable for reasons that are not about them, since they tend to think poorly about themselves, they will interpret them that way, and react to them. While we may wish for them to be able to support us, they may not be able to.

But this doesn't mean we don't need support, especially through something like this. I would encourage you to reach out to someone who can support you- a pastor, friend, other family member, and a therapist, grief support group. As usual, it comes down to self care. Even in the most supportive relationships, it can be better to get support from professionals who can support someone in grief as these feelings can overwhelm people close to us, and especially someone for whom handling emotions is a challenge. It is important that you are able to have the feelings you have at this time. I cried a lot- and just about everywhere- in the store, in the car, in the coffee shop. It's OK to be a mess at the time, and to ask for support from people who can give it. And to have compassion for your wife who may very well not be able to handle you feeling this way at this time.

Take care of yourself.

[Chilibean13]

I am so so sorry about your father. My dad died 5 years ago. My grief was so intense and like you I was alone in my grief. He didn't understand why my grief lasted so long. I built up a lot of resentment as I was going through the worst thing that ever happened to me and yet he wanted me to deal with his drama and attention needs. I ended up having to get T to work through my grief since I did not have the support you needed.

Knowing what I do now I understand that my H didn't have the ability to understand my emotions nor did he know how to deal with them. He feels strong emotion but for him after the initial emotion is gone, so is the emotion. Long term grief was not a part of his repertoire. He would see me cry and would want to fix it but his response was so heartless that it just made things worse.

I would say that you need to be honest with her about what you are going through. Let her know that you love her but right now you have to focus on family things. Let her see you grieve. Don't wait for her to ask about your dad. Share it with her first. And if she doesn't respond appropriately or acts like it's not a big deal, just be honest. Tell her you need her to be available to you right now. You need her to help you through this, even if she doesn't understand it.

[EmotionalWarfare]

Thanks Cat, Notwendy, Chilibean.

I know my uBPDw is incapable of supporting me thru this and that my emotions disturb her, overwhelm her, and she doesn't know how to deal with me right now.  I truly don't expect her to be of any support right now.  A few months ago I would have felt different but I've read so much material daily on BPD for the last couple months that I understand a great deal more than ever.  I still love and support her.  I explain things in the most non-threatening, kindest way I can muster.  As a result our relationship has improved a great deal.  I really don't know why I posted this.  I'm just overwhelmed myself, I guess.  I have nowhere to turn.  Nobody knows what it is like to live this life along side a pwBPD but you folks. 

The normal side of me so yearns to have a true partner to lean on and share things without having to think things thru 10 times before I say them.  I wish I didn't have to hold back, that I could be my true self, to be authentic and raw with my needs, in my grief, emotion, and feelings of love, and loss.  No matter how much I know about BPD it's so hard to excuse her behavior.  It really bothers me that I am in crisis and she is so focused on the new guy at her job.  I hear to much about him.  It's hard to witness her being so kind, so supportive to someone so trivial in her life and be so detached, and unable to be kind and supportive for me.  I know this is BPD.  This is BPD to the friggin "T".  I know this well but during times like these it is so hard to accept that some of the most basic things in a relationship,(unconditional love, support, empathy)  that so many people take for granted, we will never have because we are the nons who have chosen a BPD partner.  It's just a terrible place to be and I can't wait for this to pass.

[Notwendy]

Yes, it feels terrible. Even in the best of relationships, the loss of a parent feels terrible and not feeling support from people closest to you feels so lonely. I can relate to this as I didn't hear a word from my mothers FOO after my father died- people who knew me my whole life, relatives, just disappeared. I was astounded and very hurt. But this made the contrast of support from my father's FOO, and close friends even more impressive and I am so grateful for them. Reach out to the people in your life who you feel are supportive to you.


While it isn't the nature of the board to encourage venting about the spouse, I think expressing your feelings at a time of grief is real. You love your wife and are committed to the relationship. You realize this isn't about her or you personally but the situation. I grieved.  My H knew it, my kids knew it, even strangers on the street knew it as I would burst into tears at any time. Be who you are, because this is about you, and your father, and facing a loss that is profoundly sad. In time, the feelings get better, although you will always miss him. This is who you are. Take care of you.

[Cat Familiar]

My father was dying of cancer and I had made the decision that I was going to divorce my first husband. I flew several hundred miles to be with my parents. My BPD mother was in denial that my dad was dying, but I knew he had little time. He and I had a great talk and I asked him if he was afraid. He said he wasn't but he was concerned about my mother. I told him I would take care of her and he thanked me.

He wanted us to leave the hospital and we did. That evening we got a call letting us know he had died just a couple of hours later. My mother was in complete disbelief.

The next day my soon-to-be-ex called and I told him my dad had died. He told me that I had to return home immediately or he would commit suicide. I had just made funeral arrangements for my dad and I told him basically that he could go right ahead and do that; I wasn't coming home. (It would have been easier had he done so, rather than the ugly divorce which followed.)

The only reason I'm telling you this is to demonstrate how incredibly self-absorbed pwBPD can be and so completely oblivious of our pain.

[EmotionalWarfare]

Cat, Notwendy I admire you ladies for your strength and perseverance.  Thank you so much for sharing your experiences.  My heart goes out to you both.  It's difficult to navigate life feeling isolated and incidental.  I just need to do my best at self care.  It's just difficult to conduct myself with my girls in a loving, real way and then have to switch gears and practically turn off my emotions( at least externally) when I interact with my wife on the same subjects.  Most of the time I do really well with this and make seamless transitions that don't bother me much.  It's just my father, ill already, now cancer.  I'm drained mentally, emotionally and this makes me physically tired also.  Today I'm just feeling a little numb.  Thanks for your support.  I hope everyone enjoys this beautiful day.

[Sluggo]

My father died end of December.  I made the mistake of not visiting my Dad (who was just 5 min from the home the last 30 days in a full time nursing care).  My wife said that if I went she would be very upset and I would be choosing him over her. She said that I don't ever visit her during the day so there I have no right to do that. 

I thought I was doing the right thing and making her happy trying to again prove my love to her.  My Dad died 30 days later and then I felt I had to cater to her emotional needs as now she would have to endure seeing my family.  My consultation was 'Sorry for you loss'.

That event last month was final stroke of the brush in this dysfunctional painting of our relationship that I finally understood I can't make her happy no matter what I give up for her or how I show her.  Those gestures are only fill her lonliness for a short time and then there is something more I need to do. 

If I had to do again.  I would have spent time with him despite her reactions and anger.  Becuase in the end, she was just as angry after he died as she was before he died. 

[ColdEthyl]

@EmotionalWelfare I am so terribly terribly sorry for what you are going through, and not having the support.

I am back on here today to be reminded of that. A few days ago, I had a serious toothache. The thing felt like I got shot in the mouth out of nowhere. I instinctively grabbed my husband's arm, and it got turned into how much I hurt him, and why did I want to inflict pain on him.

I had a weak moment where the pain was just rolling through me, and I begged for support. I begged him for just one moment to stop yelling and making it all about him, and to please just show that he cares.

The response I got was that I was making it all up. It appeared too contrived to him, and really this was all about how I am fixing to replace him.

My pain... .and his inability to do anything about it... .is what fuels that response. It's the exact opposite of what you need right now, but what you need hun... .she cannot provide. Not this particular need.   

We understand. We are here.