I'm really struggling

[gundam94]

Hi. I just found this wonderful site and would like to share my story with all of you. I'm going to tell the quick version. If anybody wants more details please let me know.

My girlfriend of 2½ years broke up with me after a 4 week fight. It was “officially” over the second week of January when she sent me an email (which I'll post later). She first broke up with me via text, after a little fight we were having but it took me completely by surprise. I reacted badly (I was going to propose to her on Christmas). A few days later she told me that she didn't dump me. That all she wanted to do was talk. She said that I over reacted and made things worse but she did agreed to try and save our relationship. Over the next 3 weeks I did everything I could to try and fix our relationship.

It finally ended when she called me abusive and controlling. I took her accusations seriously. I talked to friends and I even called a abuse hotline. I needed to know if I had been abusive, so I could get help if I was. The answer was a resounding No.

I hand wrote her an 18 page letter. I poured my heart and soul into it. I covered everything in it. Why I'm not abusive or controlling, why I love her, how I feel she treats me, why we should stay together. I get her response and it completely crushed me. Not only did she say that I was abusive and controlling. That I was responsible for everything wrong in her life. That it was 100% my fault the relationship failed. She said I sexually assaulted her. She even said that she was afraid I was going to come and rape and/or murder her.

This left me absolutely devastated. That day I almost killed myself. My world was crumbling. The woman I love, my soul mate thinks I'm a monster. I must be a monster. I got help. Over the next 4 weeks I began to realize (with the help of others) that I was the one who was abused.

I saw her for the first time since I gave her my letter last Friday. She acted like nothing happened. Sat close to me and tried to talk to me. On Monday I find out that she had been cheating on me for months. That she lied to me about not dumping me in the beginning. I found out that she had no intention of trying to work things out and strung me along for 4 weeks. I found out that all her accusations were all BS.

The sad thing is I still love her. I still miss her. I still want her back. I will admit that I grew to be very dependent on her. I didn't even know I was till she was gone. I am in therapy right now. But it's still difficult.

[Driver]

Hi Gundam,

I'll copy the answer that I've just written to Dexman in another thread who has a similar problem.

Here it is and hope it helps:

The reason why it's hard to detach oneself from them is because unfortunately our loved ones with BPD mirror us. They incarnate the one we've always longed to be with. But in reality, it is their sickness doing it. In reality, it is not their real themselves. The sad thing is we'll never know who they really are. They too are confused and are wondering who they really are. It's heartbreaking, but most of the time they feel empty or invisible and often copy personalities of other people (chameleon effect). They don't do it on purpose of course, it's their sickness.

If you had a happy childhood, simply try to think of the happy moments when you were a child. Try to see the world through the eyes of the inner child in you. Think of the simple things that used to make you happy. Think of the things that you wanted to achieve. Think of the things you dreamed of. Go back to basics. Think if the adult in you wants to make the child in you suffer or if you'll do the right decisions to go on with your life and make the best of it to make that child in you happy. What would the child in you say to the adult in you who's dating such a woman, especially when you see that nothing seems can help her or your r/s? Thinking about all this is already a step towards the detachment. It will take some time, but try to stay focused thinking about it with the happy inner child in you.

In a nutshell, only from within your healthy self you can overcome such a difficult situation, forget drugs, pills, alcohol and other exterior things. They can only be used as instant painkillers but never in the long term. So, work from within yourself. There is a whole world inthere upon which you have built yourself. Don't make it collapse, strengthen it even more.

[gundam94]

That does help, thank you. I guess I'm just looking for support and guidance. I'd like to know how all of you dealt with the horrible fallout.

[Driver]

That does help, thank you. I guess I'm just looking for support and guidance. I'd like to know how all of you dealt with the horrible fallout.

I think the most important thing is to keep being busy. Do sports, do hobbies, go out with friends, talk with people, play games, read books, attend a language or dance course, whatver can make you busy, happy and meet new people, do it.

[SamwizeGamgee]

Wow.  I know every person is different, but, wow do I know how you feel!  My wife of 18 years flipped everything around whenever it suited her.  And yes, they have an uncanny way of convincing us it is we who are abusive. 

Like you, when I started learning about abusive personalities, I went straight inside my head and looked very closely to see if I was the bad guy.  I came up with the answer that I am a pretty middle of the road person, and trying to be pretty healthy.  I realized that all my other relationships with other people that lasted (and many that didn't) were basically mutually healthy and uplifting.  So, if I only have one traumatic relationship - maybe it's wasn't my doing.  That said, I have now become hyper aware of verbal and emotional abuse, since I realize how I have been victimized - and that makes me also realize how I have been "abusive" too.  As they say, "if the shoe fits, wear it."  I have learned to really validate, listen, empathize, and keep boundaries. I am learning to express my feelings (only after learning to recognize them).  So, this suffering I am doing was not all in vain. 

You say you still love your girlfriend.  That's normal and to be expected.  It's also emotional and hormonal.  I try to remember that love - the feeling - is a feeling that you generate within yourself.  Given enough years of mistreatment and emotional starvation, the feelings will eventually change, or disappear altogether.  Or worse, turn to anger and depression when you finally come to discover yourself.  Meanwhile, you will have suffered - and likely lost a great deal of yourself loving someone as you describe your Gf.  Real love - the verb - takes time and grows.  Real love is also mutual. 

This is just my opinion, and remember no one can tell you what to do: I don't know if you have kids with your Gf, and that would be about the only reason I could think of to keep any contact with her.  Genuine, loving, healthy people are out there, go find them and leave this Gf to lessons learned.  Be grateful you have made this discovery and move forward.

[gundam94]

No I don't have any children with her. I really wish I had found this website years ago. It was scary just how accurate the "How a Borderline Relationship Evolves" was. It fit what happened in my relationship to the letter and why I fell in love with her so hard and as quickly as I did. All the wonderful things she said and all the wonderful promises she made... .I have never been very successful with women. This was my longest relationship (before this my longest was 1 month). I really thought I had finally found my soul mate.

Then as she's dumping me, she is very surprised that I'm not going to stay her friend. She said "But you're my best friend. I need you in my life. You said no matter what happened you'd always be there for me". I told her the obvious reasons why I would never see or talk to her again... .which turned me into the bad guy. She told me "that's not healthy" and "that's not normal" and "regular people don't do that". And I know for a fact that when she saw me on Friday she thought "I was just being p!ssy" as to why I ignored her.

[bdyw8]

Hey Gundam, sorry to hear how you feel - I can so relate.  I dated my exBPD for 4 years and throughout she always blamed me for being overbearing emotionally.  I was always to blame for everything that went wrong in our relationship and I found myself frequently apologizing to her and begging her for forgiveness and apologizing for ruining her life as she put it.

After the relationship ended (she ended it with me several times before and I had tried to leave as well a couple times unsuccessfully) I opened up to some counsellors about the dynamic and being a person heavily involved in recovery, I took full responsibility for my part and for most of the problems.  That was when I first found out that I was being emotionally abused.  Yes my exBPD did physically assault me on a few occasions too, but I've learned her mind-games and emotional blackmail and abuse are hugely damaging.  Very similar to your story.

With all that went on, I also almost killed myself.  I stood on top of bridge on two occasions and was so broken down and baffled as to how someone could treat me like that.  I had no self worth left by the end, no self esteem, I truly thought I was to blame for it all.  When I told her that I had been on the brink of suicide, she accused me of being dramatic and making it up.  A call to a crisis line was the only thing that saved me one day in the summer.  Lots of counselling the last few months - it's been a tough road.  NC has been the only thing that has worked for me.  Shielded me from her hurtful mind games and manipulations that toyed with my emotions and made me doubt my own sanity for the last two years. 

We're in it together, so stay strong.  So long as you keep reaching out and asking for help, you'll get through it. 

[jessedsickabouther]

Dude there is nothing you could do. Trust me. And for future reference when a woman doesn't have any desire to work on things or she implied that she leaving save yourself 18 pages of paper and let her go because they're not listening anyway at that point trust me. The best thing you could do is walk away and never say anything because that's the only chance he's ever going to talk to you or  want to see you anyway. Everything that you write in a letter they already know by the time they're cheating and have already moved on then move on way before we do we just get the last notice.

At this point you're just being played any contact you have with her trust me I'm sorry I'm going to the same thing and I have friends who were raised by BPD women I know so much about this disorder and just as a guy when you are with a girl that is in any way seeming not interested it's time to just walk away because they are not going to change and it's only a matter of time before they leave you broken hearted. Someone that loves you will treat you well all the time or at least most of the time

[heartandwhole]

gundam94,

Welcome to bpdfamily. I'm really sorry to hear about your breakup. It hurts so much, and your feelings of still loving her are very understandable. I remember how absolutely crushed I was after my breakup; it was like no other breakup I'd ever experienced. It felt like a normal breakup amplified by 1000.  :'(

Your world has just been turned around. What you believed for 2.5 years has suddenly shown itself to be different than you thought. Be gentle with yourself. Detachment is a process that has peaks and valleys, but is very worth the work and patience it takes to complete it. I've been there and I can without any hesitation say that there is happiness and a new life at the end of the tunnel.  

Therapy helped me so much after my breakup—I'm glad to hear that you are working with a therapist, too. What other ways are you taking care of yourself gundam96? Are you exercising and getting enough sleep? Do you have supportive friends and family whom you can lean on during this time?

Keep writing here. It helps to get out the emotions and thoughts that can keep you stuck. We're here to support you. You will get through this.

heartandwhole  

[gundam94]

Yes I have family and friends that have been incredibly supportive. I am getting enough sleep. I haven't really exercised in awhile, I know I need to. It has affected my appetite….most of my meals consist of cheese and crackers with water to drink. Otherwise I have to force myself to eat other things. Just haven't been hungry for anything else, if I'm hungry at all.

During the entire break up it felt like I was arguing with a complete stranger. I kept telling myself that the woman I fell in love with wouldn't say that or do this. It took 4 weeks of therapy and some digging on my part to come to the realization that the woman I fell in love with doesn't exist. That I was dealing with the real her for the first time.

When it came to the relationship, she pushed everything onto me. I had to do all the planning, all the running... .everything. All she had to do was find time to show up. Which she rarely did. While we would see each other at least once a week when we'd volunteer together (we volunteer with kids so we kept it professional) and talk every night on my way to work. We would only be able to have actual “boyfriend/girlfriend” time every 4 or 6 weeks. She would go out of her way to make herself extremely busy because she “likes the stress of being constantly busy” because she hates being bored. So I had to do all the planning and she was constantly busy. You can guess how that worked. It what we fought the most about. She would say I was guilt tripping her when I'd get mad when she wouldn't come over.

In fact from 1/1/15 to 1/1/16 the number of times we went out on dates, she came over or she spent the night was 30. 30 times in a year... .I understand she was busy with work and school and stuff but I felt like I wasn't important to her. When I told her that she said “I had the rest of my life to see you”. Like I was supposed to be ok with being put on the back burner because she was going to spend time with me later. Which is a ridiculous way to look at a relationship. Right there she's telling me she doesn't care about me or my needs.

She used guilt and shame to control me. I never knew it was happening. Even now I have a hard time finding times she did it. She manipulated me so well I had absolutely no clue it was happening. I rearranged my entire life around hers just for the chance to spend a few hours with her.

The break up has been extremely hard on me. Not only did she convince me I was the one who was abusive and controlling. We had our entire future planned out. Right down to where we'd retire and everything in between. I thought that this year was going to be the beginning of that future. Besides the damage of her accusations, I'm scared I'm never going to find anybody again.

[gundam94]

I really hate this. There are times like now where I really really miss her. I would give absolutely anything to have her back. I kills me that she's with somebody else (who's very much a downgrade). I feel so empty without her. It feels like a piece of me has died. It's really sad because I know how badly she treated me. I know she didn't love me for at least a month and still told me she did. I know she cheated on me for months... .it's sad because I desperately want to forgive her. I desperately want her back... .God I just want this to stop.

[gundam94]

I'm having a hard time understanding why I'm having such a hard time detaching myself from her. I mean I've gone through break ups before but this one is so much harder.

I don't understand why I'm so willing to forgive her. Knowing what she did. Knowing that she manipulated me. I'm angry with myself because despite all of that I still love her and I still want her back. I don't understand why.

[troisette]

Hello Gundam

BPD relationships are the hardest to detach from. I've read your posts and please believe that what you are feeling is typical of a BPD breakup. I hope that helps a bit, just a little bit. You are not alone and your pain will subside but not overnight. But it will get better, little by little.

I was married to a diagnosed narcissist but the divorce was a piece of cake compared to what I experienced when my 18 month or so relationship with a BPD ended. I had never encountered a BPD before and had no idea, until after the ending, of what I was dealing with. Your situation sounds similar.

Why is it so hard? Because they are adept at mirroring us, we become enmeshed and those hooks are difficult to disentangle. Also, BPD's have arrested emotional development and they see themselves as the victim, unable to take responsibility for their actions. This probably explains your ex's attempt to shift blame on to you. I sympathise because I can still remember my emotional agony when I felt as though I'd been hit by an truck.

But it does improve; if you can, I suggest no contact is the best way forward. It's hard when you are longing to have contact but I have found, month by month, that things ease, slowly things improve. You may feel that you will never recover, but you will. Keep reading the boards and the articles and eventually your pain will subside. Many people here say that in retrospect, their BPDex gave them a great gift: that of self knowledge and the awareness to avoid BPDs in the future. This may seem a long way off at the moment, but take heart, you can get there too. It just needs patience and going forward day by day.  

[gundam94]

Thanks. I'm really trying to detach myself. I've been in NC for about a month now. I have seen her twice but I have completely ignored her both times. The first time I saw her after the split (I went to volunteer) she sat down at the same table I was at, in fact she sat right across from me. Like nothing ever happened. Like she didn't accuse me of abusing, controlling and sexual assaulting her. Like she didn't break my heart. Then when I can't take it any more I get up to leave. As I'm leaving she says "Bye gundam94, it was really nice to see you again", I ignored her and kept walking. When I had to go back later that night to pick up a friend my ex sees me again and says "Bye gundam94, please take care of yourself". Again I ignored her.

That was on a Friday. I cried all weekend. She had such care and compassion in her voice. It gave me hope for us. It really messed with my head. Then 2 days later I find out the truth about everything. I just want to forget all about her.

[troisette]

Well done, do what makes you feel better. You and your well-being are your main concern now.

It's good too, that you want to forget her. When my break up happened I was floored, hardly functioning. A male friend gave me some advice that I have found invaluable: ":)o not diss him to mutual friends and always keep a smile on your face." I followed this advice through several months of push/pull - it was incredibly difficult, but worth it.

There are current threads here where people are discussing no contact. How beneficial it can be and how day by day, things improve. Imperceptible at the time, you recognise it in hindsight.

Keep on going, I send you best wishes.

[gundam94]

I'm going to post the email my ex sent me in response to the letter I wrote her. But before I do I need to provide context so what she says makes sense. I gave it to her when we had out only face to face meeting during the break up. Everything else was done either over the phone or by text. I wanted a face to face (she had promised we would) when I asked for one she said this: “I'm busy till 4pm. You have until 4:30. It also has to be someplace public because I no longer feel safe in your apartment”. So we met at a restaurant. I gave her my letter, her stuff and walked away without ever saying a word. These are going to be long posts.

-When she first accused me of being abusive and controlling, I called a Domestic violence hotline. I talked with them for an hour. They pretty much told me that I'm not abusive and it sounds like I have a very neglectful girlfriend. They asked me to have her call them. She did and we'll you'll read about it.

-Her friend Nick from school. One of my girl friends at work told me that it sounds like my ex was cheating on me. My friend said that she acted the same way when she cheated on her boyfriend. At first I didn't want to believe it. But it made sense. He has a crush on her and has asked her out at least twice (yes while we were dating and no he didn't know). My ex and him would hang out all the time. She hung out with him more then she saw me. In the beginning I was jealous and worried i did say something to her. She told me she wasn't interested in him and I had no reason not to trust her. But it still bothered me and because I didn't want to be THAT kind of boyfriend i kept it to myself. So I put it aside and I trusted her. It also helped she was honest with me about the whole thing or at least she said she was. He used to volunteer with us and I knew him and I thought he was ok. All I did was send him a message on Facebook saying: "I've heard a rumor you and blank are a thing". To which his reply was: ", no. People just say that because we talk a lot". That was it.

-College. About a year into our relationship, around the time we started talking about marriage and starting a family. She tells me that she wants to change schools to finish her degree. I thought that was great and asked where. She said that it's been her dream since she was a kid to go to school in England or failing that on the other side of the country. I asked questions. She told me she'd be gone for 3 or 4 years. But she'd live with me during the summer and visit every holiday. In my head I called BS. Not only would she never be able to afford traveling that much (I knew I wouldn't be able to) but more importantly we barely saw each other as it was and we lived less then a mile from each other. I realized that I would have to put my entire life on hold for 4 years. I couldn't do that. So I was put in the horrible position of making her choose between following her dreams or having me. To this day I hate myself for telling her that. I wish I could take it back.

-With the help of the hotline my ex told me that I sexually assaulted/abused her. It took place the same day the last time we had sex. After she had finished crying, we laid on the couch and watched TV. We were laying on our sides. I was behind her, our legs were intertwined, she was pressed up against me as far as she could go and I had my arms around her. After an hour or so I started to get handsy (this had happened every single time before this). It wasn't like the first time I've done that. It happens every time we cuddle like this and watch TV. After 10 minutes or so of this she tells me she wants to take a nap but can't with me doing that. I stop, apologize and move my hands to her stomach so I'm hugging her. She falls asleep, I fall asleep (now that I think about it, we did try to have sex later that night but she was beginning to hurt again and we stopped). 3 days later she tells me that while I was being handsy it made very uncomfortable. I got upset with her and angry at myself. The voice in my head was screaming "Monster! You're a MONSTER!". I asked her why she didn't tell me right away. That if she did I would've stopped. She said "I told you I just wanted to cuddle and watch TV". I knew that was wrong but I didn't want to fight. So I told her I felt terrible and apologized. That I wasn't trying to make her feel uncomfortable. That it would never happen again. It wasn't brought up again. In my letter I used that as an example of her poor communication. Because it was. She should have told me right away. Well the lady on the hotline basically said I was wrong. That her saying "I just want to cuddle and watch TV" is the same as saying "No". I don't think that's right, every woman I've talked to doesn't think that's right. I still feel terrible about it, more them any of you could possibly believe now that my ex sees it the way she does now.

-I never took my anger out on her. I took it out on myself. All of my anger, frustration and disappointment I used to judge myself. I took it out on myself in a very self demeaning way. I'm not proud of it, it's part of my depression. I'm not proud I subjected her to that. I only opened up to her because I thought she wouldn't pass judgment on me. She obviously did. However in this case I know with 100% certainty that I can hold my head up high and be proud. Because I went and got help and got better. That's more then she can say, she's constantly refused to get help.

-The engagement ring and her trip to Germany. Trip first. The beginning of last year she told me about this school trip to Germany she wanted to go on. She was worried because she didn't know how she was going to pay for it. Her parents weren't going to help her. When I offered to help, she flat out told me she didn't want my money. As for the ring, we had kind of a rocky year this year. I wanted to show her that I was even more committed to us and that my love for her has only grown. I thought the best way to show her that was to ask her to marry me.

When we were fighting (breaking up) one of her reasons was that for the past few months all we do is sit in silence while I drive into work and that we hardly talk on the weekends. That's when I decided to come clean. I called her in the morning while she was on her way to college. I told her that for the past 4 months I have been working Saturdays and Sundays and not telling her. She asked why I would do that. So I told her. I told her that I did that because for Christmas I was going to give her the $2,500 she needed to go to Germany (something for her German class) and so I could put a good down payment on an engagement ring. Not exactly the way I wanted to tell her but I didn't want our relationship to end over a misunderstanding. She freaked out. Yelled at me. Telling me she told me that she didn't want me to pay for her trip. That she didn't want my money. Then she said she didn't know what to do with all of this information and she hung up crying. I felt terrible. I didn't want to make her cry. She texts me later that day saying that she's been having panic attacks all day and that I have broken her. Which made me feel even more awful, I didn't want that to happen. I just wanted to tell her the truth.

-We kept our relationship a secret from her family. Her father is abusive, controlling and sexist (at least that's what she told me). Since I'm not a die hard catholic her father wouldn't approve. So we kept it from her family. So I wasn't aloud to be around her family.

[gundam94]

Here is her email. I still cannot bring myself to reread it. It still causes me way to much pain. Just a fair warning... .it will make you sick to your stomach.

I have read your letter. I am going to reply to it in order of your points.

1. Abuse/Control-I am sure the multiple people you have confronted do not know the whole story, or only know it from your side. People I have asked can see you as controlling, and the people I have all talked to have said that you seem very abusive (I will touch more on that later). I called the number you gave me as well. After I read the letter I sat in my car at the park and I talked to her for two and half an hours, debating whether I wanted to go volunteer or not. After reading to her just a small portion of the letter, she stopped me and said she could already tell you were abusive. The way you deny it constantly and try to convince me I am wrong on it, is the number one sign she saw. I told her the basics, you being upset that I don't see you but I defended you saying you miss me and she straight out told me that that is not okay and I shouldn't be defending the way you act. She also said that you simply "getting better" at your anger is not okay at all and that that alone should be the number one reason I never see you again. I told her what you said the rep told you, and she said no one there would ever tell you that, so you are either lying to them, or you simply didn't call them and lied about the whole ordeal. She said that going for help is sure, a good thing, but that it doesn't mean anything if you treated me bad from the start, and trying to fix it now is too late.

2. Not seeing eachother- I shouldn't have to ever cancel my plans for you. They are set plans. They should never be expected to be canceled, even if you were my boyfriend. Also, I have told you this before, I don't like inviting myself over. Hence why you make the plans. I don't forget about you, I am simply busy. I had a all my life to see you. I didn't have all my life to go to debate, hang out with school friends, etc. You said you don't want to take things away from me? Well you did. Often. One example that comes to mind: The first time I ever hung out with Kerewyn, you showed up and crashed it. I was supposed to be spending time with her. It was very annoying and upset me a lot that you couldn't let me be alone with them.

3. Guilt tripping- I asked the woman on the hotline about this. We had a long conversation about this. I read her what you said and she said that what you said is NOT natural guilt. It was guilt tripping. You purposely getting angry or upset when I wouldn't come over  and conveying that to me multiple times IS guilt tripping in the definition. According to Dr. Judith Orloff if you say yes to any of these questions you are being guilt tripped in a relationship:Do you know someone who tries to get their way or control you by making you feel guilty? Do you know someone who makes you feel “less than” by constantly comparing you to others? Do you know someone who acts like an angry victim? Do you feel emotionally and/or physically drained after being with someone who is complaining or berating you? Do you know someone who you are always trying to please but never seem to do things correctly? I answered yes to 4 of the five. This means "This person(s) definitely has guilt tripping traits. Be very conscious of their manipulations and their ability to drain your energy. Keep your protection up" She also says, "They know how to make you feel badly about something by pressing your insecurity buttons. They use guilt to manipulate so you do what they desire. They like to see you squirm and throw you off your game. This gives them a sense of power and control... .They also remind you of how much they always do for you. " Sound familiar?

4. Dictating my life -College. Number one example. I stopped talking to Cass on my own behalf. You are right and have absolutely no reason to tell me I shouldn't talk to him. I could've told you to stay away from Alex for your own mental health, but I didn't. "I would never force you to do anything"? College. That also belongs up in the guilt tripping.

5. Choosing between my family and you When my uncle died I wanted to be with my mom. I wanted to cry in her arms and cuddle with her. But no. You got mad and upset that I didn't want to be with you. You (once again) made me feel like ___ for not coming over, guilt tripped me into coming over, and I left as soon as I could because I just wanted to be with my family. But you said "I am your family." and got super pissed off at me. At Thanksgiving you admitted you were HAPPY that my plans were canceled. You said "yeah... I'm upset that you are sad but I'm happy overall". New Years, I already had plans. This goes back to the whoever you are, boyfriend or not, I shouldn't have to ever cancel plans for you. I said I was too busy to plan our Christmas at that time because I was super busy, stressed out, having anxiety attacks, and didn't need MORE on my mind. I told you these things, you simply didn't listen. You often only listen to the things you want to hear, not what I actually say.

6. Extracurriculars- That was wrong of you. Incredibly. I like having things to do. I go crazy if I don't have things to do. This is a HUGE example of how different we are. I cannot sit at home all weekend like you can. I have to be doing something, or my mind is constantly running and I am bored beyond imagine. I can't function that way. I have told you this before. I choose the stress or otherwise I will go crazy with boredom and will never sleep. I sleep best on debate nights because my mind is constantly running, the same with other after-school activities. I have told you all of these things before. Again with listening.

7. Refusal to talk- Not just Thanksgiving. Homecoming. And basically every other time we have fought. I don't believe you were truly sorry about that, and I still don't. I go back to the previous quote about how you were happy overall. Also, a solution always exists. You must actually try to find one though. We won't solve anything if only one of us are actually trying to solve the problem and the other is simply ignoring it. We are constantly talking in circles because I'm running one way trying to solve things and you are running the other way trying to ignore it, and we are ultimately pulling eachother in circles. This is another large difference between you and I. I solve problems. I talk them out. You ignore them and run away. I will can never and will never be like you in that sense. A solution ALWAYS exists.

[gundam94]

Part 2

8. You're anger- I refer back to what the hotline woman said. This is simply not okay, even if you are getting better. You're definition is the PERFECT representation of what you do to me. "To make someone else suffer from your own mistakes, anger, sadness". Exactly. You're life sucks, as you constantly remind me. You are always angry or sad. I realise you are depressed, but this is no reason to scream and yell constantly about how much you hate your life. The worst part is YOU DON'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT. Ever. You know how much yelling and angry in general upsets me. You know how uncomfortable it makes me. This is making me suffer. You saying you are better off dead, that is making me suffer for your sadness. You make me suffer because your life sucks. Because you make mistakes. A big reminder of this is you driving to work and spilling your hot chocolate. You started swearing and yelling, and I was terrified. I was crying and trying to call you down and I will admit, you scared me. If I had been in that car with you, I think I would have been scared for my life, even if you weren't angry at me. You just get so so angry and you say that I haven't seen you at your angriest... .I am so so scared of when that day comes. I am terrified of anger... .Also, me having an anxiety attack while being pulled over is nothing like a being in mortal danger, and is no justification for you being mad and yelling. All you did was make it much much worse. You weren't supposed to comfort me, console me, relax me. Not make it worse. Now on to you getting your anger from your parents. The woman on the hotline said this is incredibly ridiculous and  another example of an abuser, blaming your problems/anger on other people. She said that you are your own person, and even if you were physically abused by your parents, this is absolutely not the fault of them an is completely your own. I'd like to remind you all my parents ever did when they lived together was scream and fight late into the night, I lived with a brother who had extreme anger issues, which paired with drugs are increased, punched holes in every house we lived in, and a father who has extreme anger issues. But do you see me acting the way you do? Also the whole, "I get angry but cool off quickly" is one of the biggest lies I have ever heard from your mouth. You trying to make yourself look/feel better, doesn't mean it's true. Let's now go over the fact that you are getting better. This is a hard topic that I have thought of a lot. The best I can explain it to you is with numbers, as they are what I do best. Let's say you were at 100% when we first got together. Now you are at 98%. Yes, this is an improvement, but for it to be 0%, it would another 98 years. This is comparable to now. I cannot live with "I am getting better". Most days, yes you are and I am incredibly greatful. But simply getting down to that 98% isn't good enough. One of the reasons I am doing this is because of my own mental health. I can simply no longer survive suffering with the "getting better".Also, your "venting" as you call it is very often more anger than venting. It's swearing, self demeaning, yelling, complaining, and not doing anything about this. I cannot put into words how frustrated and angry this makes me. You want a better life? Stop b___ing and do something about it. Yes, I am a negative person. But in a completely different way. Me saying I'm not as good as someone, well at least I am trying to get better. At least I am working towards these things. Me answering the phone sobbing? I'm either having an anxiety attack or had an absolutely terrible day. You answering the phone pissed off? Every day just about. And there is never any reason behind it besides that you hate your sucky life, that you do nothing to fix. I'm trying to be happy. You don't even try anymore. I completely believe that you have given up on being happy, and I simply cannot help that. I am also not even going to touch the whole, "you aren't that bad". The woman on the hotline actually laughed at this.

9 Sexual- I told what you quoted me saying to the woman on the hotline. She was mortified. She told me, "That is sexual abuse. That is saying no. Him not seeing that is blind, and sexual abuse." I had never even considered that before, but she said that happening is the definition of sexual abuse. Now let's touch the Nick subject. He is one of best friends. Because of you, I have not texted him in five days, he avoids me at school, and will no longer give me hugs. I have lost my best friend. So thank you. That was incredibly inappropriate and uncalled for. Blank said that because I text him a lot. She thinks the same of every guy I text. I have told you before the sexual inactivity is probably my depression and because it still is sore down there. Yes it still is, and I'm slightly worried something is wrong but I can't exactly see a doctor. Nick is just my friend and if you ever message him again about me I will not hesitate to come to your house and beat the ___ out of you. I almost did that night he told me about it. What you did was inappropriate and uncalled for. Please leave him out of this.

10. The Start- The woman on the hotline said you blaming your actions on being sick/on medication is ridiculous and a horrible excuse. Also, you don't call your girlfriend b___y and act like it isn't a big deal. I also do not believe that ANYONE would have acted that way in your position. The horrible things you said can simply not be forgiven. Also they are not "normal responses". I told the hotline woman the things you said- direct quotes I read off my phone- and she said you being drunk or anything is not an excuse for the horrible things you said. Also, they often say the things you don't have the guts to say while sober, often come out while drunk. I will leave you with that thought.

11. Shouldn't have happened-I am a reasonable, logical, and rational person as you said. All the logic in my mind is saying "You are depressed and having panic attacks multiple times a week. Cut off the person who is hurting you." The rational side of me is saying, "This isn't the way someone who loves you should treat you." The reasonable side of me is telling me, "listen to your friends and the people telling you how to solve your problems." The girl you fell in love with grew a spine, that you helped her create. The girl you fell in love with took your advice to stick up for herself and not let people hurt her. The girl who said she'd work everything out and would never leave you has been abused and is unhappy and needs to put herself first for once. The "Stranger" you are fighting with is the strong girl you helped create. I told the woman on the hotline the whole underlying issue/someone pushing me/nothing to do with you is also signs of abusers, as well as the underlying issue being the abuse I have finally noticed. Now we'll talk about the "both of our safety". I meant this 100%. I spent a lot of the past week wanting to scream, yell, and hit you. I want to take out my anger of all the horrible things  you did to me. I wanted to take out my anger that because of you, I now lost my best friend. I would have hurt you, and I don't want to. Deep down, I do still care for you and I cannot trust myself alone with you. Now for my safety, I meant more psychological. I am very sure that if I started sobbing and you began to comfort me, I would have had a psychological breakdown. You have completely destroyed my mental health the past month and I cannot handle any more rollercoasters. I no longer feel truly safe with you. A lot of this has to do with number 9.

12. Loosing me- What happened to our perfect imagine? You stopped treating me well. You stopped being the man I fell in love with. Partially because you changed. Partially because I changed. You remember the time you said, "We might not even last more than a year. People change a lot in a year." People do change a lot. We have both changed. You became more manipulative, controlling, and less relaxed. I have become more confident, strong, and aware. The way you changed me, if the exact reason you lost me. You helped me realize that I don't have to let you hurt me. I don't have to stand this. What happened to us? The same to the above. We changed.

13. Your requests-

     1. I called. Some of the things we discussed are in the above. I would also like to mentioned that after what I read from your messages and texts she warned me to not go to the place we volunteer together unless you are not there. If you are there, to stay far away from you and not be alone. Have someone walk me to the bathroom or to my car. She asked me to lock my doors at home. Not go to the store or anywhere I could run into alone for at least a week. She was terrified for my well being and was pretty sure you will be a very violent person, as abusers tend to become violent for the two weeks after a relationship comes crashing down. She said the PTSD thing is BS, and something no one at their hotline would ever say. She also said that it isn't me seeing abuse not there, it helped me realize the abuse that is here. She also called me strong and said she was incredibly proud how I handled the situation and for realizing the abuse was there and stopping it. She told me to move on with my life, go be happy, go to college wherever I want, and find someone to make me happy.  She also said the whole letter summarized how an abuser would react to this situation, and that a lot of your anger comes simply from you being upset that I became aware of the situation at hand

     2. She also warned me not to meet up with you ever again. To not take you back. So has all of the people I have told about this relationship. I will not be able to go to Deadpool with you. I need to start fixing myself. I'm sorry this is hard on you, but you should have thought through the way you acted and the consequences before the fact. I appreciate the thought behind the money for Germany but your exact words you said was, "We had such a rough year. I wanted to buy you a ring to make everything better." That doesn't make it better. You need to treat me better. Not buy a ring. Not give me money. I told you straight out to not give me money for Germany, but you did anyway. This doesn't make me smile. When you admitted these things to me the morning before school I was late to school. I sat in my car having a mental breakdown and I was shaking and crying. My friend Ryan and his girlfriend spent the whole day alternating messaging me because they were severely concerned I was going to completely break. This was a huge reason I didn't want to come over for Christmas. I could not handle getting that ring from you. I can't accept being tied down to my abuser the rest of my life.

     3. I read the letter. We cannot move past this. I can't move past this. I am sorry that your life the past couple weeks has been so horrible. At the same time, you have no one but yourself to blame. I hope that you can recover from this, and that you learned from this. I hope you realize your abusive ways, and that you learn how to change for the best. I love you too, and I hope that you are happy. I truly am. I want you to move on, become better, be happy.

For my life, I'll tell you what I told my friend Caleb. I'm going to search for happiness. I'm going to go to whatever college I want. I'm going to go to law school. I going to find someone who makes me happy, settling down, buy a nice house, have some kids and a white picket fence. Or maybe I'll have some cats and all the Doctor Who and Harry Potter merch I could ever want. I hope that you can do the same. Maybe some day we will run into each other again, and I hope at that time we are both better people for what's become of an otherwise tragic end to something that was once beautiful and great.

If you would like to communicate to my friends whom I have told the whole story, let me know. They will help you understand.

With love,

Me

[gundam94]

I have shown that email to my therapist (who has worked with abused women), my psychiatrist ( who I've been seeing for over 15 years) and women who have been in abusive relationships. They have all told me that her letter is BS and more importantly I am not abusive or controlling. That abuse victims do the exact opposite of what she describes in her letter. I've been told that I show signs of being mentally abused. I'm still coming to terms with that…

4 weeks after she sent that email I find out the truth about everything. So she wrote that horrible email, made me think I was a monster. Lead me to believe that she was willing to try and work things out. She write that email, with her knowing the truth. Which is:

-Did dump me via text message that first weekend. It got “more messy and gross” then she expected it to be.

-Had been planning on dumping me for a while.

-Has been pursuing Nick for months and has had a major crush on him for some time.

-Was only staying with me because she didn't want to be alone.

-While she still loves me, she hasn't loved me “romantically” since at least October.

-My story was never told. She went out of her way to make me look and sound terrible.

-Never told her friends how badly she treated me or any of my complaints for that matter.

-Was cheating on me with Nick for at least 2 or 3 months. I have no proof of a physical relationship but I do have more then enough proof of an emotional one. Which is still cheating.

-Never told her friends what she told me. That being she was willing to try and save our relationship. So it looked like I was harassing her after the first weekend.

-Has been heavily flirting with another guy. One who I didn't even know she was friends with.

-Nick lied.

So she writes me this email that makes me hate myself. The day I got it I almost killed myself. I believed everything she said. I had no reason not to trust her. While none of it made any sense to me. My reasoning was “this woman loves me, I must be a monster”. After seeing my psychiatrist she said that it sounds like my ex had BPD, which lead me here.

My ex claimed to be my best friend. She claimed to still love me. She claimed all of that and still wrote that horrible email.

Side note: I will reply to your posts when I get home from work. I'm sorry I haven't gotten around to that yet.

[gundam94]

I am really struggling today. I really want to contact her. I... .miss her so much. I hate the fact that I do. She has done all these terrible things... .and I still can't stop loving her. I can't stop missing her. I know she's absolutely toxic for me... .but I'd give absolutely anything to have her back. I don't understand why she couldn't just tell me the truth. It would've hurt just as much but I think I'd be easier to get over. Not this... .I'm torn between loving her, missing her and wanting her back. And hating her (which makes me feel guilty) and being glad she's gone.

I'm so angry at myself. I put my life on hold for her for 2 and a half years. She promised me the world and I bought it, hook, line and sinker. Now I'm sitting her crying because I've wasted almost 3 years of my life for nothing. I loved her. I would've done anything for her. It hurts so much to be replaced so quickly. It says how little me and those 2 years truly meant to her. I tried do hard to save our relationship, only to find out later that there was nothing to save.

I would give anything, absolutely anything to forget all about her. Those 2 and a half years were, despite all the BS, we're the happiest of my life. I thought that if we could make it till she graduated then we'd be together forever. We had final gotten to the point where we had more time behind us then in front till that day. The next year and a half were supposed to be smooth sailing. I was supposed to get engaged on Christmas. Instead my perfect future was destroyed by the one person I'd thought would never hurt me.

She left and moved on to the next one. And I'm left to pick up the pieces of myself. To try and carry on. And I don't know how. She was everything to me. I feel so empty without her.

I hate this so much. I just want it to go away. It's been almost 2 months now and it still feels like it happened yesterday. I just want to forget. I just want to move on.

[gundam94]

I could really use some words of encouragement. I am really having a difficult time as of late. I'm being torn in 2 different directions.

[anothercasualty]

I could really use some words of encouragement. I am really having a difficult time as of late. I'm being torn in 2 different directions.

I know it feels like you are being torn. That is inside of you. There is nothing external causing you this difficulty. Your reactions are causing this difficulty.

You need to stay away from her and this situation and get some peace. You need to live. What did you do and enjoy before her?

[gundam94]

I could really use some words of encouragement. I am really having a difficult time as of late. I'm being torn in 2 different directions.

I know it feels like you are being torn. That is inside of you. There is nothing external causing you this difficulty. Your reactions are causing this difficulty.

You need to stay away from her and this situation and get some peace. You need to live. What did you do and enjoy before her?

I understand that it's inside of me.

I have stayed away from her. As for what I did for fun before her? That's the cruel irony of this. I volunteered with kids. My volunteer work was my escape. It relaxed me and put my problems in perspective. That's where I met her. She still volunteers there. When I asked her if I could get a day there without her being there she said "I'll show up whenever the h#ll I feel like it." I tried going back and it was just terrible. I posted about that already. I am looking for other things to do now. It's just difficult because it's winter here and there isn't much to do.

I would love some advice. How have you detached yourself from the pain they have caused you.

Edit: I'm worried that since I posted her response to me that people here are thinking I'm a monster.

[anothercasualty]

I understand that it's inside of me.

I have stayed away from her. As for what I did for fun before her? That's the cruel irony of this. I volunteered with kids. My volunteer work was my escape. It relaxed me and put my problems in perspective. That's where I met her. She still volunteers there. When I asked her if I could get a day there without her being there she said "I'll show up whenever the h#ll I feel like it." I tried going back and it was just terrible. I posted about that already. I am looking for other things to do now. It's just difficult because it's winter here and there isn't much to do.

I would love some advice. How have you detached yourself from the pain they have caused you.

Edit: I'm worried that since I posted her response to me that people here are thinking I'm a monster.

There is no magic formula. Talking with friends, therapy, going back to activities you enjoy, no contact, praying (or whatever spiritual component you believe in). Those have been the keys for me. Stopping the madness is the first step. That doesn't come easy. Our hearts fight us every step of the way. Just take it moment by moment. You will survive this. You will be a better person after this passes.

Is there another place you can volunteer and work with kids?

There is no judgment on my part about her response. Just stay no contact from her and let's get you back to working on you!

[gundam94]

I understand that it's inside of me.

I have stayed away from her. As for what I did for fun before her? That's the cruel irony of this. I volunteered with kids. My volunteer work was my escape. It relaxed me and put my problems in perspective. That's where I met her. She still volunteers there. When I asked her if I could get a day there without her being there she said "I'll show up whenever the h#ll I feel like it." I tried going back and it was just terrible. I posted about that already. I am looking for other things to do now. It's just difficult because it's winter here and there isn't much to do.

I would love some advice. How have you detached yourself from the pain they have caused you.

Edit: I'm worried that since I posted her response to me that people here are thinking I'm a monster.

There is no magic formula. Talking with friends, therapy, going back to activities you enjoy, no contact, praying (or whatever spiritual component you believe in). Those have been the keys for me. Stopping the madness is the first step. That doesn't come easy. Our hearts fight us every step of the way. Just take it moment by moment. You will survive this. You will be a better person after this passes.

Is there another place you can volunteer and work with kids?

There is no judgment on my part about her response. Just stay no contact from her and let's get you back to working on you!

Thanks. I am talking with friends and family. I see a therapist once a week. I'm not a very religious person. I've been trying to keep myself busy. I'm trying to stop the madness. At least my break down are getting farther apart. Yesterday was the first on in a bout 2 weeks. They used to be every day.

Unfortunately no.

And thank you, thank you so very much. Can I ask for your opinion on it? Does it fit with what a person with BPD would do? My psychiatrist says that it's almost a text book definition of Narcissist Rage.

Edit: I would be very happy if I went the rest if my life without ever seeing her again. However I do want to return to my volunteer work. That's why I took 6 months off. To heal myself and to try and get over her (which she doesn't understand. That was the main reason I couldn't stay her best friend. I would never be able to get over her. She doesn't think that's normal or healthy). As of right now... .there is absolutely no way I could ever return, knowing she'll be there. Come June? Who knows.

[La Carotte]

I'm sorry you're clearly struggling so much, gundam, it's so hard isn't it?

I understand about your frustrations about the volunteering. We live in a small place with limited availability of the things that I /we like doing. Ex is very well established here, and so i feel that all my opportunities for social interaction now and in the future are very much curtailed.

At the moment I'm not sure what is reality and what is in my head, but whatever, I don't feel I can go to things. An example is the other day I liked a post on FB made by someone in a walking group we're both in. Within minutes I had a text and six emails from ex telling me to stop stalking her and her friends, I was showing myself up and everyone was laughing at me. Now this may or may not be true, she's certainly in contact with them far more than me, and has been badmouthing me to anyone who'll listen, but the end result is the same - I don't feel able to go. And this is one example of pretty much every thing I'm involved in- I came to this town knowing nobody, she's introduced me to everyone, and now I know nobody again. It's hard, it sucks and I'm not sure how I'm going to get past it... .So, I don't have any words of advice for you I'm afraid, I just wanted to share my story so you know you're not alone.

Deep breaths.

[heartandwhole]

Hi gundam94,

I know how hard it is to let go.   It was so difficult for me, too. I'm afraid there is no amount of "activity" that will take away the feelings that need to be felt... .at some point. I recommend feeling them now as much as you can, and especially since you have a therapist to help you work through them. It's the first and most important step: feeling the loss.

There are such great resources on this site (besides the members themselves) to help you through this very shattering experience. And it IS often literally a shattering when one breaks up with pwBPD.

When you feel ready, check out the lessons to the right of this board. Here are some links that really helped me when I was going through this.  I know it doesn't feel like it now, but things really do get better. I didn't believe it when I was in the beginning stages, but now I feel like a different and much happier person. It's worth the hard work in getting there.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=141948.0 The biology of breaking up

https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/10_beliefs.pdf The 10 beliefs that can keep you stuck

Hang in there. We are here for you.

heartandwhole  

[gundam94]

Thank you... .all of you. I am trying my best to detach myself.

I guess one of the the things that's bothering me the most is: why? Why did she just compound lie after lie? If she "still loves me just not romantically" as she put it, why not just tell me? When she dumped me via text, why did she lie to me saying she didn't and just wanted to talk? Why did she tell me she was willing to try and save our relationship when she knew she wasn't coming back?

But most of all why did she make up all those horrible accusations? After all that she expects me to stay her best friend?  Expects me to act civil around her? Expects me to acknowledge her?

It doesn't make any sense to me. If she really cared. If I was really her best friend. If she really still "loves" me... .why not just tell me the truth. But she didn't. It turned into this overly dramatic sh!t show. I don't understand.

[kentavr3]

From my experience, writing e-mails or talking to BPD is completely useless. The best way is No Contact. I know tis is hard and looks impossible to do. But, the only way. What BPD expect from us? Feelings of none finished relationships. Do NOT give this food to them!

[anothercasualty]

Thank you... .all of you. I am trying my best to detach myself.

I guess one of the the things that's bothering me the most is: why? Why did she just compound lie after lie? If she "still loves me just not romantically" as she put it, why not just tell me? When she dumped me via text, why did she lie to me saying she didn't and just wanted to talk? Why did she tell me she was willing to try and save our relationship when she knew she wasn't coming back?

But most of all why did she make up all those horrible accusations? After all that she expects me to stay her best friend?  Expects me to act civil around her? Expects me to acknowledge her?

It doesn't make any sense to me. If she really cared. If I was really her best friend. If she really still "loves" me... .why not just tell me the truth. But she didn't. It turned into this overly dramatic sh!t show. I don't understand.

I am a very rational person. If you ask me why I did or said something, I will have an answer. And the answer will have some logic to it. My biggest frustration through this experience has been expecting the same from my ex-gf. Her career side is very logical, but her relationship side is not. She cannot answer why she makes certain decisions or reacts the ways that she does. She just does it. That causes my mind to just go in a spin-loop trying to make sense of something that makes no sense. Do you feel the same in your situation?

Healing is a progression. Analyzing the heck out of a situation is one step along the way. Unfortunately, sometimes analysis won't give you the answers you are looking for, especially with someone who has a PD.

Peace to you!