I've read a lot about the silent treatment, except for How to Deal with It?

[maddlove]

So I've read and saw how punitive and manipulative it is and all, that's great, okay. But if it happens to you, what should you do?

My pwBPD tends to use it from time to time. It never fails to make me go into desperation and the urge to make peace.

Her silent treatment cycle usually works like this:

1) Something she didn't like? She removes herself from the situation

2) Pout and sulk the whole day

3) Blow up again about the same argument

4) Do I bend? Yes -> It's over. No -> Rinse and repeat the cycle from the 1st step.


What I did didn't help at all. Which was forbidding her to leave the argument until we resolved it. We therefore enter the circular argument that ranges from 3 to 5 hours.

I've read about SET & Validating, hopefully this can avoid that kind of Silent Treatment situation. I've used it on a smaller scale and it worked.

I would like to know what to do when it's happening though. Should I take a time out and go out or something?

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[sweetheart]

Hi maddlove, my dBPDh uses ST from time to time. I used to just let him get on with it and go about my day. Now however I choose to address it, this does not mean that I can always resolve things, but for me it's important to let my h know how I feel. Also sometimes just checking the temperature of things can be a way in to their upset, and can diffuse things. If after I've addressed the situation and the ST continues, then I either go out or go do something else.

I have also found that over time it no longer has any emotional impact on me and I understand that my h will eventually come out the other side of it. It's taken me a while to reach a level of understanding that frees me up from trying to make him feel better.

So, here are some of the things I say, you will find your own words I'm sure,

- 'When you don't answer me I feel really upset and I want you to stop ignoring me. Has something happened to make you feel angry/upset?'

- I can see that you're feeling angry/upset, has something happened, how would you like things to be different, what can we do?


It is worth saying that ST is a form of emotional abuse and if you are being subjected to this in a regular sustained way, then being around it is not good for you.

If you choose to address the ST behaviour and this serves to escalate things, then removing yourself from the situation is important for your well-being.

Improving things is about making self care a priority.



This link is a long discussion about Silent Treatment, https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=68733.0

but well worth a read. You can dip in and out of it as you choose. The link explores what ST is and the purpose it serves to the person using it, and ways to manage/address it for the person on the receiving end of it.

[Daniell85]

I have gotten a lot of abuse. Mentally, emotionally, physically. ( not physical in this relationship)

The hardest thing for me to deal with is ST. It's been highly destructive to me. I have a severe panic disorder. I had anxiety and some panic issues prior to currently relationship. The severity of the ST episodes took me into a panic disorder that has been extremely hard to deal with for me.

The best thing to do is let them have their time alone. I would say some of it is them trying to cope and calm down. Relationships have there were people take a few hours or day to sort their emotions. With BPD, it becomes pretty poisonous sometimes. They know they are hurting you. If you feed into it, it can become a power game. They won't answer, you try to make them.

From my experience, my boyfriend has absolutely taken a lot of enjoyment from inflicting it on me.

When the ST starts, walk away. Go find something else to do. The less energy you put into talking to them about it, the less you feed the monster. Doing other things will keep your head in other parts of your life, too, and minimize the impact of ST from your BPD person.

Boyfriend has gone from utilizing the ST on a broad basis, to it becoming a few hours or day. Massive improvement. I don't like any of ST, but it's a lot better than it was.

[maddlove]

I have gotten a lot of abuse. Mentally, emotionally, physically. ( not physical in this relationship)

The hardest thing for me to deal with is ST. It's been highly destructive to me. I have a severe panic disorder. I had anxiety and some panic issues prior to currently relationship. The severity of the ST episodes took me into a panic disorder that has been extremely hard to deal with for me.

The best thing to do is let them have their time alone. I would say some of it is them trying to cope and calm down. Relationships have there were people take a few hours or day to sort their emotions. With BPD, it becomes pretty poisonous sometimes. They know they are hurting you. If you feed into it, it can become a power game. They won't answer, you try to make them.

From my experience, my boyfriend has absolutely taken a lot of enjoyment from inflicting it on me.

When the ST starts, walk away. Go find something else to do. The less energy you put into talking to them about it, the less you feed the monster. Doing other things will keep your head in other parts of your life, too, and minimize the impact of ST from your BPD person.

Boyfriend has gone from utilizing the ST on a broad basis, to it becoming a few hours or day. Massive improvement. I don't like any of ST, but it's a lot better than it was.

I feel you, I have panic disorder as well. Sometimes when me and my fiance argued it actually triggered a panic attack. The hardest thing is dealing with it internally, even if I walk away I'll feel different, like something's wrong, like something needs to be resolved or the world won't be right (probably OCD).

[maddlove]

Hi maddlove, my dBPDh uses ST from time to time. I used to just let him get on with it and go about my day. Now however I choose to address it, this does not mean that I can always resolve things, but for me it's important to let my h know how I feel. Also sometimes just checking the temperature of things can be a way in to their upset, and can diffuse things. If after I've addressed the situation and the ST continues, then I either go out or go do something else.

I have also found that over time it no longer has any emotional impact on me and I understand that my h will eventually come out the other side of it. It's taken me a while to reach a level of understanding that frees me up from trying to make him feel better.

So, here are some of the things I say, you will find your own words I'm sure,

- 'When you don't answer me I feel really upset and I want you to stop ignoring me. Has something happened to make you feel angry/upset?'

- I can see that you're feeling angry/upset, has something happened, how would you like things to be different, what can we do?


It is worth saying that ST is a form of emotional abuse and if you are being subjected to this in a regular sustained way, then being around it is not good for you.

If you choose to address the ST behaviour and this serves to escalate things, then removing yourself from the situation is important for your well-being.

Improving things is about making self care a priority.



This link is a long discussion about Silent Treatment, https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=68733.0

but well worth a read. You can dip in and out of it as you choose. The link explores what ST is and the purpose it serves to the person using it, and ways to manage/address it for the person on the receiving end of it.

The use of SET & Validation has been wonderful lately, maybe I can avoid it, otherwise I'll try approaching it calmly and taking a time out in case of verbal abuse. Thanks for the input.