Help me please

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hi there,

I am thinking of sending a letter to my daughter but I am terrified. Does this mean I am not ready to do this? I am so conflicted.

J

[Eyeamme]

Hi there,

I am thinking of sending a letter to my daughter but I am terrified. Does this mean I am not ready to do this? I am so conflicted.

J

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi there

can I ask if you're terrified because:

1. She may ignore your letter

2. Of what you feel the need to say to her

3. Or her reaction to what you have to say

I'm sorry but I also don't know the background. Are you in a no contact situation?

L

[Kwamina]

Hi Eyeamme

I think Lollypop asks you some great questions.

Considering your past experiences with your daughter, her verbal abuse and the current state of NC, your fear and feeling conflicted seems quite understandable to me. I don't think you feeling fear means that you aren't ready, I do think it signals just how much all of this means to you and has affected you. In spite of everything I know you care about your daughter very much and you've been dealing with a lot of pain. The pain of her verbal abuse but also the pain of going NC to shield yourself from that abuse.

What are the main things you would like to say in the letter? Are you hoping this letter will help you reconnect with your daughter?

[Eyeamme]

Hi Lollypop,

My daughter is 34 and we are NC because of verbal abuse and blame, it is the blame for things I have no control over. I have been treated worse than any human has ever treated me (and I have been in physically abusive relationship in my past).

Kwamina, I want to tell her I love her. I know for certain she will beat me up more. I am getting stronger but I can't take it. To be honest I am feeling like the worse grandmother. I love those boys (2 and 5) more than anything but I can not sacrifice myself for them.

I have had so much loss in my life. I just feel like I can't do anymore. I feel like I am lost.

Thanks for being here because honestly there are days in the past three months that I feel like giving up on life.

[Lollypop]

Hi there

I truly feel for you. I believe our sons and daughters know we love them and they find that very difficult. They know their behaviour sucks.

There's nothing stopping you writing that letter, only those voices in your own head. You must be feeling so confused as to what they mean and what's the best thing to go. My own experience would tell me to wait until I felt calm and sure before making a next step.

I hope you find this helpful

Take care of yourself

L

[Eyeamme]

I do find that very helpful. Thank you Lollipop.

[wendydarling]

Hello Eyeamme

If I was you, I'd share my draft letter to these good people, if that helps you. You can send your love, though I  recognise you don't wish to send triggers.

Take your time.

Wishing you peace.

WDx

[Eyeamme]

Thanks WD! I most certainly would run my letter by everyone on here. I just keep asking myself what I want to come out of it and what will actually come out of it. Sadly, i would love a rational loving daughter. What would I get? It wouldn't be pretty. She would go for the jugular.

[Kwamina]

I just keep asking myself what I want to come out of it and what will actually come out of it. Sadly, i would love a rational loving daughter. What would I get? It wouldn't be pretty. She would go for the jugular.

It is sad that things are the way they are and I understand your desire for having a rational loving daughter. Considering she has BPD, the unfortunate reality is that her thinking is often distorted and less than rational. Though she might love you, as a result of her BPD she might struggle with expressing her love in a loving way. Her distorted perception of reality likely also causes her to perceive seemingly innocuous comments and events as major slights.

Perhaps it can help you to let go of the results or outcomes of sending this letter and focus more on the process of writing this letter and expressing your love for your daughter the best way you can. The techniques describes on this site can help, yet even then you never know for certain how your daughter will react. You cannot control what she does so perhaps it's best to just focus on the thing you can control, the content of the letter through which you can express your love for her.

Take care

[lbjnltx]

Well said Kwamina.

We can provide opportunities, be authentic in a positive way and we can't orchestrate the outcome of the opportunities we create.

[Eyeamme]

I am terrified. I have done this before. I feel like I have put my feelings aside for so long and did most the "right things". I also feel on the edge myself right now. My problem is I don't feel strong enough to be attacked. I am also dealing with a BPD/NPD 87 yo mother. This has lead me down a road of reexamination of my entire life. I am so tired.

My daughter might be better off without me there. Her family is the only people she feels free enough to lash out at. Truth be told I am so confused if I even want her back in my life.

Thanks for being here. The hurt is that I had NO clue that she was sick. Part of me still doesn't believe it.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Kwamina]

How are you feeling now Eyeamme?

Being verbally abused and attacked is very unpleasant and when it's your own daughter doing the attacking, only makes it hurt even more. I can definitely understand why the thought of a possible negative response from your daughter would cause you significant anxiety. Accepting this BPD reality is very difficult and so is dealing with the uncertainty of what might lie ahead. It is sad because being NC clearly is also causing you a lot of stress.

Are you still considering sending your daughter a letter?

Dealing with BPD family-members can definitely be exhausting and I can really relate to you feeling tired. You are currently reexamining your whole life. Learning about BPD was very liberating for me, yet at the same time also made me realize that the way I approached my BPD family-members in the past in all likelihood could never have led to the desired results. I approached them as rational people and tried to reason with them, with the knowledge I have now I realize that approach had very little chance of success.

Take care

The Board Parrot

[Eyeamme]

Hi Kwamina

I decided not to send a letter. My daughter ran away when she was 17. I called her everyday to try and reason with her (long before I knew anything about BPD). She said to me "Stop calling me. I don't want to ever tak to you again. It is like trying to give CPR to a dead person"

We ended up talking again. I was there for her marriage and the birth of my two grandsons. It was a pretty good run but it has gone dark. This time I am too tired to fight this anymore. I can't have the relationship I want with my grandsons because my daughter controls everything and doesn't trust me. I don't want them to see how their mother treats me.

I am gong to work on me and be hopeful that my daughter will contact me when she is ready. She told me to not contact her so this time I will respect that.

[sad-mom]

Hi Eyeamme,  Please be strong and don't let this get you down.  Surround yourself with family and friends who care about you.   You are not alone!  There are many good parents out there who have been rejected by their adult children.  It doesn't make sense but it doesn't mean it is a reflection on you.  If you loved your daughter, provided for her, protected her from harm and did your best, then you did a good job!

[Eyeamme]

Thanks Sad-Mom. I am very lucky to have an amazing husband. I also have friends. I volunteer and do yoga... .AND I have support here. I just am also learning to live a "mindful" life.