Severe Pain

[pinkfreud]

Hello,

This is my first post. My wife has BPD traits. (BPD has been confirmed by professional counselors). It has been a tumultuous rollercoster ride. I have been cut off from all friends. I am not allowed to talk to family members without full disclosure of what was discussed, although I don't want to burden family with my personal relationship issues.  I have basically nowhere to turn for advice and help, discuss feelings, etc. I just got "socked" again today with the "I hate you. I don't want to be with you anymore." This of course is followed by what has been described as "emotional hemophilia" and everything she hates about me comes out with cussing and swearing that would make a sailor blush. Through counseling I have learned some coping mechanisms for this and can usually put out the fire. Within 24-48 hours we are the loving couple again. Yes, I have learned some tricks of the trade, but I am growing tired of it. It is emotionally exhausting and I'm not sure how long I can keep this up. Nor am I ever confident that what I do will work each time.

I suppose I am just looking for some emotional support and perhaps some extra guidance, even perhaps somewhere just unload baggage. I am by nature a very tough and resilient person, but the pain is real. It tears at my heart to hear her say so many awful things, destroy personal belongings, threaten suicide, etc., but yet it is also painful to see the person I love suffer that pain as well. She will not get help. All counseling sessions have been, in her mind, to get me to change. Fortunately, I have.

Not sure what to expect from this site, but just sharing this little bit seems to help.

Thanks

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[EmotionalWarfare]

Hi Pinkfreud and welcome,

I am not very new here.  I been reading and learning from a safe distance from all these brave people here for about 3-4 years.  I have now began to post.  It helps more than just reading.  When you're caught up in the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt that the pwBPD use to manipulate and control) it helps very much to share your experience here that you're living.  You will receive valuable insight that is hard at times to accept or see and you will receive warm support and refreshing e-hugs Empathy Empathy

You may find yourself on a roller coaster of emotions  now that you have identified BPD traits.  It's ok.  Don't let your heightened emotional state fuel any part of the rage or dysregulations.  You may become emotional as you sort through all this and come to terms with his condition.  I did.  I cried a lot and also spent periods of anger and increased resentment.

It's so good that you have identified BPD traits.  This is huge and will help you tremendously!  Good job Welcome

I have been married 21 years.  My discovery of BPD only happened 3-4 years ago and there was 2 years of denial for me.  Since I have read many threads here and found much help in the lessons section here. (which is a great place to start)  It helps to learn what is driving his behavior, how to set boundaries, how to NOT JADE to make things worse(which I am still guilty of at times. JADEing=justify argue defend explain why you did whatever it is that's seemingly causing the rage)  It helps to try to identify the source and validate his feelings  but not to accept blame or fault that is not yours.  I used to apologize for everything and was not even sure most of the time what I was apologizing for.  Don't do this.  My common response was "Whatever it is, it's all my fault and I'm sorry."   barfy barfy barfy barfy barfy barfy barfy  This life can make you ill.

My wife can too be extremely nice/mean and switch to either in the blink of an eye.  This is the jekyll and hyde.  They often think in black or white.  All good or all bad, no middle ground.  My wife has ruined my self esteem, self confidence, and has controlled me way more than I ever should have allowed because I was "trying to keep the peace" etc.  This is my fault.  I never should have forfeited my health, my control, given up my personal boundaries, and I should have never "rented space in my head" to such an unworthy tenant.  I have recently evicted her.  I am reclaiming my boundaries, I don't JADE, life is improving.  I also do not participate in her attacks.  I don't give her the response she needs to control me and make sure she stays in my head and in control.  I also do not let her bash me relentlessly anymore.  She gets to say a couple remarks and if it is rude, hurtful, non-productive, or mean, then I say "I can not allow you to treat me this way.  It hurts me.  We can talk about this in ___ minutes if you like.  I'm going for a walk(some activity, etc)  I'll be back in 30 minutes.  This will allow you time away and protect you from hurtful unproductive soul crushing rants but it should do it in a way not to invoke fear of abandonment.(which is a key feature and driver of outbursts for a pwBPD)

All of this is interventions that work.  I learned them here!  Because trying to use logic, reasoning, and real emotional responses get you  no where fast with pwBPD.  It took me a while to accept my role and learn to be better.  But I'm glad I did.  You can improve your situation too.  I have never mentioned BPD to my wife.  She would flip for sure.  You can do what you choose in that arena but my point is:  You can regain control of yourself and improve your relationship whether or not he knows anything about BPD and what you know.  I often feel my wife would just become better at manipulation and control over me if she knew what I was doing or knew about BPD and my tactics.  She would pick up on what I am doing then I'd have to find new ways to help.  Sometimes them not knowing is best, but that is up to you.

Spend a block of time in the lessons section.  Learn what BPD is, what drives them, Why the react the way they do.  It helps!

And most importantly---->  Learn what you're doing to fuel the insanity.  This is so helpful when you are able to remove this from the dysregulation cycle!

It's very nice to meet you!  God speed to you!

[ColdEthyl]

Hello and welcome!

The first step is always a look at the lessons. It really breaks down what's going on, and what triggers are causing it. It can stop the duration and some of the dysregulations <3

Is there anything in particular you wanted help with?

[an0ught]

Welcome pinkfreud,

you are looking for guidance. BPD is a perplexing condition and some of the guidance may be perplexing. It takes a while distance yourself from what has been said and done in the past moments and see the bigger picture.

(1) I am by nature a very tough and resilient person, but the pain is real. It tears at my heart to hear her say so (2) many awful things, destroy personal belongings, threaten suicide, etc., but yet it is also (3) painful to see the person I love suffer that pain as well. She will not get help. All counseling sessions have been, in her mind, (4) to get me to change. Fortunately, I have.

1) You seen yourself strong and your strive to be strong. This is good however it... .

2) ... .drives her to extreme strong measures as well. You are so strong that it takes suicide threats to shake you.

Note: This is a common dynamic, don't blame yourself. There are ways to break this arms race.

3) You are sensitive and reactive to her pain. Which is good but at this time enables her to manipulate you.

4) Change is good. Not sure what changes happened though. Her guidance is dangerous here. You need to be at the helm.

You are a strong and sensitive guy. You can be a good partner for a pwBPD but only when your sensitivity is not used as a weapon against you and when your strength is not used to destroy the relationship. The key change needed at this point is for you to develop skills - see the LESSONS post and the related workshops. Skill learning requires exchange so also post on the board.

Breaking the I'm strong / my pain is infinite arms race: You can see her pain. You can't fix it. It is hers. Only she can tackle it. The only thing you can do is validation. Use your sensitivity to sense. Use your intelligence to express. Don't fix anything! Don't feel responsible. Expressing her pain helps you  to expel some of it from your mind - where it would do damage laying around unprocessed. Her hearing that you heard helps her a little. More can't be done by you. You may find this post useful as it also illustrates how pwBPD manipulate others to provide them unhealthy validation (pwBPD feels pain and forces partner to add to it while vocally playing victim).

,

a0