OK. I’ve summarized this as much as possible so you don’t get to hear how I got my first bowl-cut as a kid.
I was given mostly positive messages about my body growing up. But, whether good or bad, I think they all reduced the body to a commodity, a surface site of one’s “value” in attraction, love, whatnot. I mean the messages I mostly received were about what it looked like from the outside whereas the body is an entire vessel hosting a lot of organs. The notion of “health” in these messages was next to non-existent. It was all about beauty, sexiness whatever.
I felt good about my body in this regard but I didn’t care that much actually. I derived my ideas from some sources that remained outside the mainstream discourse dominant in my culture at the time; to me, beauty and sexiness were more about an overall air someone exuded and people could be beautiful regardless of the shape and size (mainstream messages) or what cup they were wearing. I feel good that I’m able to appreciate human body this way. Beauty has never meant youth, “perfection” – if there is something like that- etc to me. I’ve always found people with laughter lines around the eyes very very attractive. A bit of damage due to guilty pleaures or enjoying life to the fullest is also allowed
From mid-twenties until I met my BPD-ex, I felt very comfortable with my body. I felt very good in it.
Did my body image suffer in this relationship? I find this very interesting and ambivalent. My ex quickly revealed strong narcissistic (mostly somatic ones) so his attractivenees HAD TO be more prominent mine. This HAD TO be established with a lot of abusive behaviour as well – like those subtle attacks covertly presented as compliments or words of love but make you feel bad for some reason. (Supposedly all the more hurtful after all those initial compliments). Because he couldn’t fully grasp where to attack me, the attacks were usually a miss. (For instance, if he managed to hit me from my real vulnerabilities instead of insisting like a child that my bottom – literally my bottom!- was a love handle when challenged, this could have hurt me way more. Plus, due to character differences I suppose, I find somatic narcissists funnier (but ultimately pointless) than they intend to be understood. I cooled off him rather quickly.
So, I can say that the attacks on my own body didn’t hurt that much.
Something else made me uncomfortable though. He brought triangulations with “young” people a lot into our relationship. Apparently, I’m his first peer that he had a relationship with and I’d never been in a relationship where the word “young” became pronounced so much. Admittedly, I found this sick. I never had age (approaching 40) being an issue like this. I don’t have a problem with my age. I’ve been much happier and confident in my 30s than I was in my twenties. I’m enjoying it. But I got this understanding that regardless of any qualities I had, anybody, simply anybody younger than me qualified as more attractive because of my age. It was saddening. Objectively, I can also see that I'm not his "type" but that seems to be more his issue than mine. (I was with someone I found attractive:)) On another note, when someone tries to bring you down, it can be perceived as a compliment:)) But when, at one point, I was even assured that he wasn’t into superficial things like attraction to his partners anymore, I can't tell you how good and relieved this made me feel because my partner probably didn't find me attractive, who wants a partner attracted to them
(At this point, I had already come to conclusion that there was something very wrong with my ex.)
So yes, I was able to realize that this is a problem with my ex – at best, he sounds very shallow- but still started looking at my body with new eyes – his eyes.
Now that we are separate, it’s mostly gone. I feel very relieved that I don’t have to deal with this pointless thing - I don't agree with this politically. When I look back, I feel like "eeew, what the hell was that?" However, I've also become aware that yes, at this age, I may be less attractive to some people simply because of my age. I don't feel that it's a big loss. Good riddance really.
I looked physically very tired, exhausted during a lot of times in this relationship. When I got out, I felt and looked very worn-out. I feel better when I look in the mirror nowadays.
Admittedly, the recycle attempt was eye-opening. He came to where I live and socialize and we ran into each other. I was well-kept that day and not worn-out. I received a lot of loud compliments from people and it made me happy, too. Usually, I know when I look good but some things were shaken after the BPD ex. He looked very worn-out and I felt sad for him actually. He wasn't receiving the attention he did during our relationship and he came near me, his lips trembling. Then he "fell in love with me again" and had never "noticed how attractive I was" - apparently he needed other people to mention it to be able to notice in someone he once had a relationship with
It felt good in both ways. Yes, no matter how troubled I found him and how opinionated I can be in these things, it still felt good that something about me was recognized. That's the self-contradictory human I am. And I was able to recognize that everything about him is fleeting so I couldn't/shouldn't attribute too much meaning on what I experienced.
As for the body and health. I'm thinking about it in connection with FOO:))
