Great...now I feel rubbish

[wundress]

I feel rubbish. Going into another depression myself. My wife made wild promises that she was going to put my feelings first for a change and really listen to me. As usual it hasn't happened. Whenever I try to talk to her she shuts me down. She shouts at me and belittles my feelings. She can't see she is doing anything wrong. She makes it all about herself. I've been feeling suicidal and she just tells me I'm stupid for feeling that way. She blames anyone but herself for our arguments.

I want to give up on us. Cus I don't want to have an unsupportive partner.  I feel really alone. I've done loads to help her but she isn't giving anything back. She seems to have stopped trying and learning.

She just strops and huffs. She offered me a hug earlier but I couldn't accept because of my own issues which I explained. She had a major strop and then decided to ignore me. I left the room and cried on my own. Still nothing from her. Apparently she can't be bothered because she's tired.

If roles were reversed I would make damn sure I was wide awake, ready to listen, hug her, just sit with her, make sure she was safe... .whatever it took... .all I want is the same in return!

I feel so sad cus I have my own stuff going on. My parents are apparently separating. My siblings had a go at me for not involving myself in my parents' problems (been there got the scars, not anymore thanks) and told me I am a burden on the family and criticised my mental health. In fact my one sister was a complete and utter t**t to me. I mean really unbelievable. She said she felt sorry for my daughter having a parent like me! I wouldn't dream of saying those things to anyone.

Why me? Why now? I don't want to be going through this again. I feel like I want to leave my wife. Because really what is the point of having a wife who I can't communicate with and who doesn't support me?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Daniell85]

It sounds really rough. I am sorry your wife and siblings are being so lacking in empathy   It really sucks.

Do have other support? Like a therapist, friends... .do you go to church. The point is, often in BPD relationships, you need a really broad support system. It helps to cope and to keep things in perspective.


Just to clarify. You feel depressed because of the disappointment you feel in your wife... .or are you having issues with depression and suicidal thoughts, aside from your wife?

[wundress]

I have suicidal thoughts anyway. I have done since 15 years old. I have tried lots of meds and the doctor has given up because nothing works. Now waiting to see a gynaecologist to see if it's hormonal.

I have therapy. I don't find it very helpful to resolve issues. I think the depression is chemical but that stressful situations exacerbate it. The therapy just helps to have an hour each week to offload my thoughts but mostly I feel like I am just paying to have a friend.

I don't believe in God and church etc. I have few friends and don't like to burden those around me. I tend to keep a lot to myself.

[Notwendy]

I am sorry to hear that things are distressing in your FOO and your marriage.

One big lesson for many of us is self care. We can tend to be so focused on others that we overlook this. It is great that you are going to get checked for hormones, and also great that you are seeing a T. It may feel as if you are paying to see a friend, but this is an important part of self care. During times of crisis, the support is important.

Our FOO's have an influence on how we relate to others in relationships. They are the first relationships we have. Whenever something changes in how people relate to each other in a family, it can change the dynamics. If they are dysfunctional, it can get the dysfunction going. I am sorry that your parents are separating, but you are correct- they are adults, have been together a long time, and it isn't their children's place to be involved in their relationship. Still, it is upsetting to you- and your place is to take care of you. Your siblings said cruel things to you. They may have their own issues.

One thing we may have to learn when considering self care is to find people who can be supportive to us. Sometimes our families are not able to be even though we wish it. People with BPD have difficulty managing their own emotions. They aren't able to self soothe, and can become overwhelmed when others are emotional. When your wife made those promises, she may have really wanted to be supportive, but at the moment, was unable to.

Please call your T about your suicidal thinking.

As to staying with or leaving your wife. Even though this is the staying board, these two choices exist for everyone. My thought from your post is that, at the moment, there are several situations that are upsetting you- your parents, siblings, wife, and you are feeling distressed. Except for when someone is in danger, and needs a safety plan, my thoughts are to not make major decisions like this when in a state of distress about many things. I think self care is a first priority- contact your T, and take steps to manage the depression and process your feelings about your parents and sibs. Your T can also help you consider relationship choices.