I have to get out of this relationship

[MyLifeIsNow]

Hello,

I could use some advice about ending my marriage. I HAVE to get out of this. Over the last 6 years I have allowed my wife to manipulate me and I've distanced myself from just about everyone I love and care about. She is cold to my children from a previous marriage. She absolutely hates my two precious grandchildren. I  think she sees them as competition for my attention and love. She does everything she can to make our visits uncomfortable, unpleasant and stressful. And those are the good visits. You can't imagine the bad ones. Seriously - she can be nightmarish over-the-top CRAZY. I'm ashamed of myself for allowing it and for the crazy lengths I've gone to in order to make this relationship work. I've twisted myself into an unrecognizable version of me. I feel like I've lost years with people I love most in the world. I mourn for the memories I don't have because I wasn't there. I worry that my relationship with my loved ones will never be the same again.

I'm 50 years old. Today I spent time thinking about what I want the rest of my life to look like. I made a list of things that are important to me and make me happy. Almost everything on the list is not possible (not allowed) with this woman. It was a shocking realization.

I loved her with my whole heart and soul. I am crushed. And I have to get out. Please help me.

[La Carotte]

Hello MyLifeIsNow and welcome to the family! 

I don't have any advice to you I'm afraid as I'm in a very similar position myself and struggling with everything. But you will find an enormous amount of support here, from people who understand, and who won't judge.

I'm finding this to be the hardest thing of my life, and I'm sure you will too, but everybody who is on the other side says how much better things will be, and so I'm just going to trust in that. Easier said than done, all of it. But what is the alternative? Like you, I've lost family friends and much of what I want from life isn't "allowed" by ex... .This cannot be right!

Be kind to yourself MLIN, and keep posting and reading here. Maybe start with the lessons on the right of the page?

[JQ]

Hello MyLIfeIsNow, "ML"

I see it's your first post here so let me be one of the first one's to say hi and welcome to the "group".   Sorry to hear why you're here but glad you found the group. I would REALLY recommend that you research topics under the directory and others subject matter at the top of the page and the references to the right ------->> >> >

Here you'll find no one to judge you because we've been or are where you're at ... .we can't and won't tell you what to do but can & will tell you what has and what didn't work for us. WE can give you guidance on your journey ... .but we can't walk it for you. This is your journey to walk ... .when you stumble and you will stumble someone will be there to pick you up, dust you off & straighten you up. THEN it's up to you to decide to continue down the path your on ... .take the path to the right and see where that might lead to or sit back down where you're at and do nothing ... .the choice will ALWAYS be yours.

You don't say how you became aware of your wife' BPD or if she's actually diagnosed as BPD or if you believe she exhibits the behavior of BPD. Can you expand on that a little. Tell us what you want, this sight is completely anonymous ... .but feel free to share only what your comfortable with.

BPD is a VERY SERIOUS cluster B mental illness that affects the frontal cortex of the brain which controls behavior or that lack there of along with a host of other issues. Learn the 3 C's of BPD, YOU didn't CAUSE it! YOU can't CONTROL it! YOU can't CURE it!  I would encourage you to seek out professional assistance like a therapist to help you sort out your emotions, feelings, thoughts during this time because as the rest of us have experienced it can only help with your stress levels.

Depending on what state you live in depends on the divorce laws ... .but in any case I would get a good lawyer to help you navigate the complex laws. I would use your cell phone to record any phone calls "yes there is an app for that". I would also use it to record one on one conversations too ... .just keep in in your pocket out of site.

You've described some classic BPD behavior with separating you from family and friends. To help with your stress levels I would also encourage you to reach out to an old friend or two & family members that you've lost contact with and reconnect ... .catch up with. This will help with getting things in your life back in order. You should go out for a really good burger & a beer with a buddy or a salad and a glass of water or Italian & a glass of wine ... .but get out of the house with a friend. Go see a movie ... .take the kids to an afternoon matinee. 

You're relationships with family and friends can be repaired ... .it'll take some time and effort on your part that I'm sure you're willing to do. Life is about learning ... .use this experience as a life learning lesson ... .and move forward knowing that you're more educated.

You can't "Cure" her ... .but what you can do is to learn about yourself and why you were attracted to her in the first place. You'll have to look deep inside of yourself, learn about your history ... .you might not like what you find at first ... .but in the end ... .you'll be a much better person to having explored and asked questions of yourself that most wouldn't even bother too and would be content to live the life they are. And at the end of the day what kind of life is that?

To help with your increasing stress levels Go for a walk to clear your thoughts ... .a mile will only take 20 minutes on a slow day. The exercise will help reduce the stress and get some good endorphins in your body. Feel the sun on your face, listen to the kids laughing, take a moment to enjoy the small things around you. Eating right and exercising AND getting the sun on your face is so important to your mental health & well being. It really does help improve your mind,body & soul. 

DON'T  be ashamed for anything!  Those with BPD have learned to survive and those with codependency behavior are the perfect match for them. You've heard that opposites attract ... .well ... .BPD and codependent are on the opposite ends of the behavior spectrum that are naturally attracted to each other regardless how toxic and dysfunctional the relationship can be. There is actually a book written on the subject called "The Human Magnet Syndrome" the discusses it in detail. I would also read, "stop walking on eggshells" that you can find at your local library.

As stated earlier, BPD is a serious cluster B mental illness and even the most seasoned & well educated Ph.d's and therapist have a difficult time understanding BPD in their attempts to help them. It's not uncommon for someone with BPD to have multiple therapist over several years ... .either the therapist will advise them and give them references to another therapist because they feel they can no longer assist them or the BPD will leave because they can't trust or believe the therapist has their interest at heart.  So don't feel that you're alone in your attempt to try to make things work ... .we all have. As much as we would like to believe ... ."Love does NOT conquer all".

I'm north of 50 myself ... .and I dated a woman 20 years ago who I thought she was just batsh!t crazy and got when the getting was good. Fast forward to three years ago when I met an old friend, dated, & experienced what you did. She told me she had BPD and I consumed everything I could to learn about BPD. I was going to therapy, read, friends who were clinical physiologist and they all educated me on BPD. I learned that she was never going to get better and knew that as hard as it was it was best for my mental and physical health that we go our separate ways. I learned that the woman from 20 earlier ... .yeah she had BPD too. But from all of this I learned that I was a codependent or a care giver.

Most of those here on this site are care givers aka codependents or recovering codependents ... .Knights in Amor protecting others, the Sheriff in the white hat riding in to save the day, the perfectionist trying hard to make things right so that the BPD won't be disappointed & rage. When I did my deep dive I learned that my mother was BPD which in turn shaped my behavior of a care giver and to this day she continues to TRY manipulate me and or guilt me into doing things for her. BUUUT the good news is that I learned what my behavior was and learned to say no to not only her but to the other BPD women in my life. Once you learn to say no it gets easier ... .and the crazy train roller coaster filled with all their flying monkey's will leave the station without you ... .and you can wave it all goodby. 

It sounds as if you've already started the process on making things right. You are looking inward, realize that you're not yourself ... .the person you really are. You want to correct it ... .and know that it's possible. You know who the important people in your life are ... .start today ... .call the first one and tell them that ... .something simple ... ."I just called to let you know that I care for you & your important part of my life, thank you for being in my life".  that's the first step into making things right with them.

YOU are NOT responsible for your BPDs happiness!  YOU are responsible for YOUR happiness! It's called the 51% rule.  You can care for someone, love them and want to help them ... .but you need to be sure that you don't sacrifice yourself to the point where your mental and physical health take a toll. YOU have to be sure that YOU take care of YOU ... .51% to you ... .49% to the other person in your life ... .if it's anymore then that ... .then you've learned that it takes more of yourself to the point where you won't recognize yourself.

Take a deep breath ... .step back from the situation ... .learn all that you can about yourself first ... .then take the first step forward on your journey ... .like I said ... we can't walk it for you ... .but someone will always be here to support you when you need it. Come back as often as you need too to ask question, read and learn ... .come back as often as you WANT too to vent ... .or just tell us what is going on ... .it can be somewhat therapeutic.  It WILL get better ... .it ALWAYS gets better 

Welcome to the group ... .

J

[MyLifeIsNow]

Thank you both for your replies. I really appreciate your suggestions and I've been reading and processing and crying all day. It's so helpful to understand what's going on - especially to understand what's going on within myself. I can DO something about that!

My wife was officially diagnosed with BPD by a psychologist and later by a psychiatrist after I kind of stumbled onto it and it seemed to fit her patterns. (She had left the house after an especially crazy bad episode and I was trying to wrap my head around what had just happened. I couldn't stop thinking about the character Glenn Close played in Fatal Attraction. The behavior was so similar. So I googled it and learned the term BPD for the first time.)

She went to counseling for a while and seemed to improve, but I think part of it was that I learned how to change myself to not trigger her.

I need to figure out my exit strategy. And I need to go to counseling. After evaluating my situation I can see a whole lot of baggage I'm dragging around that I need to go through carefully.

Thank you again, so much. I haven't been able to talk to anyone in my life about it and it's such a relief to find this place.

[JQ]

Mylife,

I know what you're going through is tough ... .but you're doing well ... .you have learned a lot in a short period of time. You know that you need to get some professional assistance with a therapist ... .it'll help so much in the processing of everything you have and will go through. You have people here that are here to support you and understand first hand what you're going through. It's a tremendous amount to take in ... .I know ... .you have mixed emotions, feelings, thoughts unsure where to turn to or who to ask for help ... .we have your back. 

As suggested a good family lawyer is in order as well ... .divorce laws vary from state to state and they'll know the way forward for those things. Do you have any children? If so, some professional assistance for them should be in order too.

You're not alone ... .take a deep breath ... .let it out slow ... .know that it's going to get better ... .it really does. 

Come back as often as you need to or more importantly as often as you WANT too. Ask questions ... .tell more of your situation if you want ... .but know that someone where will hold a hand out to you to pull you back up when you stumble ... . 

Be sure you're taking care of yourself during all of this!  It's very important that you make sure you're trying to eat well ... .that you're trying to get enough sleep and that you're trying to reduce your stress levels with at least a mile walk everyday if at all possible. These 3 simple things will help you in ways that you can't imagine right now.  You can & will get through this ... .

J

[MyLifeIsNow]

Thank you, J. I'm drawing on the things I've read and it's helping. Coming back here when I'm stressing out is really helping me.

She had an episode over the weekend and that's why I landed here. I knew it was coming because I have seen the pattern a hundred times. Her episodes always happen whenever my attention is shifted to someone or some thing that I love other than her. (Once she went berserk because she was jealous of the garden. I do love it, but holy cow. The garden?)

One of my grandchildren had to be hospitalized on Thursday so my attention was diverted away from her for a moment. On Friday she started to lose it, and Saturday morning she lost it big. She packed a bag and said she was going to a city 90 miles away to attend a support group for abused spouses. I asked how she had been abused and she said that I don't love her the way she needs to be loved. She didn't come back until yesterday afternoon. She sent a couple of emails but never let me know where she was. I didn't reply to the emails.

When she came home she asked me to go find somewhere else to live. Immediately. My initial reaction was to do just that. But then I thought about it - why should I leave? It's my home. I didn't do anything wrong. I told her it was unacceptable for her to push me out of my home at the drop of a hat and that we could talk about other living arrangements but it would take a little time to figure it out. Then I did something forbidden - went to spend the afternoon with the grandkids. (The youngest was released from the hospital and is doing great, thank heavens.) When I got home she announced that she is leaving me and going to stay with her parents 2,000 miles away. And even though that's exactly the way I thought would be best to separate, I fell apart. I panicked. I got angry. I lashed out - called her crazy - and I feel terrible about that. I feel very sorry for her and don't want to make her problems any worse than they are. I can't seem to go an hour without bursting into tears. I need to let her go but it's killing me.

As I was reading articles on this website I realized that she has put all of her emotional eggs into one basket - me. She expects me to meet all of her needs and I can't do it. I think the fact that I have (or did have) other baskets is very upsetting to her.

I am unbelievably co-dependent. I understand why but haven't figured out how to stop it. I was raised in a cult-like religious environment where I was taught I couldn't survive without the group. They taught me to do whatever necessary to comply with their rules. They terrified me with their horror stories about those who chose otherwise. I left it 14 years ago but those things are still in me.

I dread the process of finding an attorney and therapist. I live in a very conservative place (85% cult members) and I'm gay. I've had a hard time just finding an accountant and doctor that don't show contempt for me. But I'm not going to play the victim. I'm going to figure it out.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey MLIN, Many of us have been in your shoes, so you are not alone, believe me.  It sounds like you know the routine.  Usually there is a cycle that is hard to break.  You have every right to see your grandkids.  I admire your courage to face your reality.  I can't tell you what to do, though I suggest that you listen to your gut feelings and try to find the right path for you.  It seems like you are off to a good start!   

LuckyJim

[JQ]

Mylife,

I agree with Lucky Jim, you have the right to YOUR happiness & if that in part is seeing your grandkids then so be it. YOU are NOT responsible for her happiness and BPD is a very serious cluster B mental illness.  Nothing you do, say or don't do or don't say it doing to cure her ... .not to mention you have a few other things you need to address.

I know that you're going through so many things but you seem to be a very intelligent self aware person. You're educating yourself on BPD and all that it involves ... .I really commend you on how much you've learned in such a short period of time.

The good thing about being "codependent" aka care giver is that YOU can retrain your behavior with some help with your therapist and working on yourself.  You have to apply the 51% rule with  yourself ... .if YOU don't take care of YOURSELF ... .who will?  You have learned why you're codependent and that's really a great start and 1/2 the battle.  Once you put yourself first on one thing ... .which you have the rest will follow. 

You've already started your change by setting boundaries with your grandkids whether you realized it or not by going to the hospital to be with you grand baby. GOOD FOR YOU!  You also set another boundary probably without realizing it ... .you said ... "But then I thought about it - why should I leave? It's my home. I didn't do anything wrong. I told her it was unacceptable for her to push me out of my home at the drop of a hat" This is another boundary that you set and YOUR maintaining it!  You've already started the process of changing your codependency MyLife!

When you say NO to her behavior like you are your are sticking up for yourself and this is not just a good thing this is a GREAT thing in your continued recovery for codependency.  I understand that the events & experiences you had in the cult can be with you for awhile ... .but YOU have already started to make the changes needed to make a difference in your life 14 yrs ago by leaving the cult. That took an amazing amount of personal strength, courage to make happen. Now look how far you've come in 14 yrs! 

I don't know how to counsel you on the demographics of your location other then to seek out the attorney from a different city close by since they all had to pass the state bar and the same with a therapist ... .maybe a little distance to drive that might cause some short term inconvenience ... .but in the long term it can be a good thing. Something to think about ... .and maybe if there is no other reason to stay in the area ... .at least that town ... .then maybe this is the beginning to relocate to a more open area of the state or country ... .again something to think about. The only thing that is holding you back is you ... .the only limitations on you are the ones you put on yourself.

YOU are going to figure it out! I have no doubt ... .you're setting an example for others to follow here!

J

[MyLifeIsNow]

Thank you LuckyJim. It's comforting to know others understand to some degree what this crazy train is like. I felt isolated for a long time. Now I have somewhere I can say what's happening, no matter how bizarre, and others will probably get it at some level. For example, twenty minutes ago she seemed very sincere when she said she would like to leave on good terms and asked for a hug. But my hug wasn't good enough and now she's playing the stereo at the highest volume, pounding on my door and screaming that I'm an awful *$#@&. She also said she's going to entertain a date in our home while I'm at a class tomorrow night. Most people wouldn't know what to make of that, but you do.

Yup. This is my life. But only for a little while longer. Maybe sooner if the neighbors call the police. That would be nice.    I do need to download that app and record all this good stuff.

J- My sincere thanks. I read and re-read your messages. You've given me really good advice and I'm trying to take it all in and use it. I actually thought of your words when she was opening the door to scream at me. You said "You've already started the process of changing your codependency!" and then I thought, well, why stop now? So I told her she wasn't allowed to come into my room. Baby steps perhaps, but they feel good.

Funny how I've always been very health conscious but now I don't even think about eating right or exercising and I'm not getting nearly enough sleep. I'm going to focus on that tomorrow.

It just dawned on me that I'm not really feeling my feelings about the situation tonight. Putting on my headphones and going to my happy place may not the best way to deal with it. This is seriously horrible ___ and makes me so, so sad. I feel sick.

... .Well I just took my wedding photo out of it's frame, tore the half with her image to bits, and had a good cry. The half with my image is tucked safely in my wallet. I feel a little better.

Goodnight.

[JQ]

MyLIfe,

It sounds like you set another boundary by telling her not to come into your room. You're a quick study MyLife, learning boundaries, maintaining them, and looking to improve your frame of mind, body & spirit. 

Like of us, the stress of the relationship with your PBD has caused you to loose sleep ... .this is quite common and we all deal with it in different ways. REM sleep is so very important to heal your mind & body. If your REM sleep is disturbed or you're not even getting any the mind becomes exhausted mentally & physically.  There is a gland in the brain that puts out melatonin, and can be affected by stress, life events, illness so you need to increase it. How do you do that? You can go to the grocery store in the vitamin & supplement isle and pick up a bottle of it. Melatonin is a natural substance produced by the body and NOT a drug. Our flight surgeon told us about it when we would fly long distances or night flights for extended periods of time. You'll have to see what works for you based on your stress level, body size, and how much your not sleeping. I started out with 5mgs, but quickly went to 20-30mgs a night to help me sleep and it works. Just a thought ... .

As far as the app, you should have a digital recorder already on your phone & I'm sure that there are other apps that might give you different options. Be sure to get that mile or so walk in the morning ... .it really doesn't take that long. Depending on where you are in the world, maybe take it in the afternoon and enjoy the sunlight on your face. Take a moment to enjoy the small things ... .the breeze ... .the kids having fun in the neighborhood or a park ... .or nature waking up to spring with birds, etc.  Call an old friend who you haven't talked to in awhile ... .catch up with them ... .this is food for the soul. Try to get to a funny movie ... .laughter is good for the spirit!

Know that you're not alone ... .we've all been where you are ... .if you knew some of the stories from me or others for that matter we all would be laughing at how just when we thought it couldn't get crazier one of us would tell a story how "our BPD" released their flying monkey's and the chaos that came after it.

This is a opportunity for you to learn some great learning lessons about life, relationships, and most importantly yourself and why you're the codependent that you are. The Sheriff in the white hat riding in to save the day, the Knight in amor to be the protector, the perfectionist who will do anything and everything to ensure things are exactly as they should be ... .and all these things will eventually take a toll on you.

WE all know how tough things are for you & know what your going through ... .what your feeling, your emotions, your thoughts. It's ok to miss them ... .it's ok to still love them or those moments that helped you love them ... .but more importantly you have to love yourself first and you have to love yourself more!

You're doing ok ... .it's getting better ... .and will continue to get better.

J

[MyLifeIsNow]

Thank you for the affirmation J. I am determined to get through this in the best way possible. I want to handle things in a way that I feel proud of.

I wake up every morning in a panic but for the last two days I've been able to keep my head about me and walk off the stress while I think about what I'm afraid of. I take in the beautiful morning and think about the good things in my life.

I'm going to starting using melatonin tonight. I've used it in the past and it worked well for me. Thanks for the suggestion.

My wife was in her sweet mode yesterday. She sent an email saying she was concerned about me and offered to schedule an appointment with my doctor. She said she refilled a prescription for me. Then she sent an article about marriage that says "There is so much beauty in the trying, and in the failing, and in the trying again." I didn't reply to any of the emails. I just don't want to.

Yesterday's sweet mode didn't work so today she's pushing buttons. A few days ago I told her (not for the first time) that if she wants to use the car then we need to get another car. She always says she doesn't want one but then demands it as a way of controlling or punishing me. When I brought it up the other day she said the car won't be an issue again since she is going to stay with her parents. This morning she emailed me a list of days she needs the car. (Apparently she's not going.) I had the typical reaction - panic. My heart pounded, I felt stress surging through me... .the usual. But this time I thought about it in a way I haven't before. For goodness sake, what am I so afraid of - conflict? Her crazy behavior? No one has a gun to my head. I'm not being attacked by a bear. So I did some deep breathing for a few minutes and then replied to her email as calmly and directly as I could. I told her we already discussed it and she assured me the car wasn't going to be an issue. I repeated that I do not want to share a car any more. She can buy or rent her own car, or, if she really wants this one I would let her buy my share (about 98%) and I would get another one. She replied "Fine - I'll take the car starting today. I'll pick it up soon." Then she quickly backtracked and said she'll make other arrangements. She said she feels sorry for me and that she's trying very hard to be patient.

I need to get her name off the title. I wanted to pay for it all myself and put it in my name only but she acted like she might have an episode over it. And I caved. Wow.

That will not happen again. Not with anyone. I will not negotiate with a terrorist ever again. Let them scream and pound on doors. I'll ignore them or walk away. Let them try to stop me. I'll call the police. Let them jump on the car as I'm driving away. I'll call the police. Let them grab the steering wheel and turn off the ignition as I'm driving down the highway. I'll call the police. I used to think there was nothing I could do except take the hit and try to fix things. Not any more. She crosses any of those lines again and I WILL call the police. That behavior is bull%&$*. That behavior is illegal. Let her take the hit for it. Why did I ever feel responsible for that?