I'm hurting bad..

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi all. This is my first post.  I believe my wife has BPD and just wanted some advice... and just wanted to let it out.  I am considering a divorce.  I've been married close to 5 years now with no kids.  I am 31 years old and wife is 30.

I met my wife at an interesting time in my life.  I was running a company, from a great family, graduated from a top university, and had many many friends.  Prior to meeting my wife, I had only seriously dated 2 other girls long term.  They were both non-BPD, nice and beautiful girls.  I was single for a few years before I met my wife.  Being single led me to venture out more often, concentrate on my hobbies, try new things, and meet new people.  I started to see who I was and everyday was fun.  I had many friends and I never felt uncomfortable being me.  During these high times, I met my wife through a friend.  She was extremely beautiful, very well mannered, soft spoken, and nice.  We went on a couple of dates and next thing you know, she is moving in.  Largely my fault, I asked her to move in if she wanted.  I was longing for a mental connection during my single days.  Not just physical but someone I can mentally bond with.  I was not being careful.

We got married way to fast.  After 5 months of dating, we decided to get married.  I thought she was the one.  There were a few signs that I can think of now, but during the beginning, I really didn't know what BPD was or even cared for it.  I was young and in love.  The sex was amazing, I've never had that kind of sex before.  She was my queen and I was her caregiver.  We had lots of fun in the beginning, a different level than what I was first experienced.  After getting married, things started getting complicated and I was definitely not ready for the emotional rollercoaster ride that followed.  If I think about it now, there were so many signs.  In the early stages, we coincidently ran into her exbf on the street.  He tried to say hi to her but she just looked away angrily.  He didn't do anything wrong. When we went home, she just bolted to bed and was angry at me.  I asked her why and her reply was 'because you didn't stand up for me'.  I thought to myself, 'what? It's not like he did anything to her? And whatever happened in the past is not my responsibility.'  But instead, I apologized and comforted her.  Other times when we got into arguments about trivial things, she would leave the house.  Of course due to my caregiving attitude, I would go out and find her, comfort her, and bring her back.  I thought this was love.  I allowed her from the start to behave this way. 

The company I started failed around 2 years into our marriage.  I had a lot of money saved up so we were okay financially.  I had lost many friends during this period of time.  Some close ones.  Some that I still feel so bad about when I close my eyes.  I gave all my attention to my wife.  I stopped going out with friends. On rare occassions I would go out with friends to blow and if I was late, my wife would lock me out of the house.  I had extreme depression during this time.  I didn't know it back then because, I didn't know what depression really felt like.  I thought this empty sadness and dark cloud following me was due to my company failing.  I blamed it on that.  When somewhere, I knew that wasn't the only reason.  I got a good job offer in another country.  When I told my wife about this, she suddenly flipped out.  Saying that she has to now leave her country and she hates me for that. She was a housewife, makes 0 income, so she had no employment or real obligations/responsibilities.  Eventually, after much crying and hysteria, she subsided and agreed. 

We relocated to the US and started my job.  We had more money, better home, cars, everything we needed.  Much more stable than when I had my own company.  My wife didn't speak fluent english so I tried my best to teach her and get her to make new friends.  She first hated the US saying people are rude.  I thought of it as a new opportunity and felt optimistic.  She was negative and often blamed me for it.  When things are going good, things also go bad.  I am constantly fighting with her over trivial things.  She blames me for everything.  She doesn't respect me in front of strangers and/or people in general.  Some thing I say triggers her and she goes into a rage.  She HATES my family.  She hates our dog because he is too energetic (I love my dog).  During all this, I always felt maybe everything was my fault.  I felt my wife stuck with me after my company failed and also gave up her life in her country to come with me (she reminds me of this fact when she gets angry).  I felt that I owe her and need to make this work because she was my wife.  She has done so many things that makes me question my own sanity.  All this fighting has actually taken a toll on my job here in the US.  Many times I had to take days off because she had a stomache or back problem... etc.  She is always getting sick somewhere.  But I keep going on because I felt we could make this work through hard work.  Even when she is in a good mood, any attempts to bring up something that I want to resolve triggers her.  She flat out will not talk about it or acknowledge it.  I know now there is no talking.  No long discussions in a mature way can ever fix this. 

We had yet another argument a couple days ago.  I was helping her with her english homework (she is attending english classes) and I couldn't explain it properly because well, I'm no english teacher.  She then got extremely angry and blamed me for not trying hard enough to teach her.  I help her almost everyday with her english because I truly wanted to.  Then I noticed after awhile that she would get extremely upset if my explanations were confusing to her... Well, this argument, along with many others before that really did it for me.  I just couldn't take it anymore and left the house.

I am staying at one of my family's place and finally feel comfort.  I don't know how I was so blind.  I felt like the shell of a man I once was... I'm not sure who I am any more.  I've lost so much weight and daydream often about what could be.  I finally feel like my eyes are open now and know what I have to do.  But everytime I think about my wife, I feel so hurt because we did create a bond together.  We went through so many things together...   I cried today (I usually never cry) for the first time in a long time.  I cried when I thought about my wife and all the good things we did, and at the last of that memory, the words "good-bye" came up.  Even though it was toxic, I've never had such a bond.  Such codependency... .  I know this marriage is toxic and hurting us, but its so hard to say bye...    Does it get better than this?

[lostsoul27]

Hi all. This is my first post.  I believe my wife has BPD and just wanted some advice... and just wanted to let it out.  I am considering a divorce.  I've been married close to 5 years now with no kids.  I am 31 years old and wife is 30.

I met my wife at an interesting time in my life.  I was running a company, from a great family, graduated from a top university, and had many many friends.  Prior to meeting my wife, I had only seriously dated 2 other girls long term.  They were both non-BPD, nice and beautiful girls.  I was single for a few years before I met my wife.  Being single led me to venture out more often, concentrate on my hobbies, try new things, and meet new people.  I started to see who I was and everyday was fun.  I had many friends and I never felt uncomfortable being me.  During these high times, I met my wife through a friend.  She was extremely beautiful, very well mannered, soft spoken, and nice.  We went on a couple of dates and next thing you know, she is moving in.  Largely my fault, I asked her to move in if she wanted.  I was longing for a mental connection during my single days.  Not just physical but someone I can mentally bond with.  I was not being careful.

We got married way to fast.  After 5 months of dating, we decided to get married.  I thought she was the one.  There were a few signs that I can think of now, but during the beginning, I really didn't know what BPD was or even cared for it.  I was young and in love.  The sex was amazing, I've never had that kind of sex before.  She was my queen and I was her caregiver.  We had lots of fun in the beginning, a different level than what I was first experienced.  After getting married, things started getting complicated and I was definitely not ready for the emotional rollercoaster ride that followed.  If I think about it now, there were so many signs.  In the early stages, we coincidently ran into her exbf on the street.  He tried to say hi to her but she just looked away angrily.  He didn't do anything wrong. When we went home, she just bolted to bed and was angry at me.  I asked her why and her reply was 'because you didn't stand up for me'.  I thought to myself, 'what? It's not like he did anything to her? And whatever happened in the past is not my responsibility.'  But instead, I apologized and comforted her.  Other times when we got into arguments about trivial things, she would leave the house.  Of course due to my caregiving attitude, I would go out and find her, comfort her, and bring her back.  I thought this was love.  I allowed her from the start to behave this way. 

The company I started failed around 2 years into our marriage.  I had a lot of money saved up so we were okay financially.  I had lost many friends during this period of time.  Some close ones.  Some that I still feel so bad about when I close my eyes.  I gave all my attention to my wife.  I stopped going out with friends. On rare occassions I would go out with friends to blow and if I was late, my wife would lock me out of the house.  I had extreme depression during this time.  I didn't know it back then because, I didn't know what depression really felt like.  I thought this empty sadness and dark cloud following me was due to my company failing.  I blamed it on that.  When somewhere, I knew that wasn't the only reason.  I got a good job offer in another country.  When I told my wife about this, she suddenly flipped out.  Saying that she has to now leave her country and she hates me for that. She was a housewife, makes 0 income, so she had no employment or real obligations/responsibilities.  Eventually, after much crying and hysteria, she subsided and agreed. 

We relocated to the US and started my job.  We had more money, better home, cars, everything we needed.  Much more stable than when I had my own company.  My wife didn't speak fluent english so I tried my best to teach her and get her to make new friends.  She first hated the US saying people are rude.  I thought of it as a new opportunity and felt optimistic.  She was negative and often blamed me for it.  When things are going good, things also go bad.  I am constantly fighting with her over trivial things.  She blames me for everything.  She doesn't respect me in front of strangers and/or people in general.  Some thing I say triggers her and she goes into a rage.  She HATES my family.  She hates our dog because he is too energetic (I love my dog).  During all this, I always felt maybe everything was my fault.  I felt my wife stuck with me after my company failed and also gave up her life in her country to come with me (she reminds me of this fact when she gets angry).  I felt that I owe her and need to make this work because she was my wife.  She has done so many things that makes me question my own sanity.  All this fighting has actually taken a toll on my job here in the US.  Many times I had to take days off because she had a stomache or back problem... etc.  She is always getting sick somewhere.  But I keep going on because I felt we could make this work through hard work.  Even when she is in a good mood, any attempts to bring up something that I want to resolve triggers her.  She flat out will not talk about it or acknowledge it.  I know now there is no talking.  No long discussions in a mature way can ever fix this. 

We had yet another argument a couple days ago.  I was helping her with her english homework (she is attending english classes) and I couldn't explain it properly because well, I'm no english teacher.  She then got extremely angry and blamed me for not trying hard enough to teach her.  I help her almost everyday with her english because I truly wanted to.  Then I noticed after awhile that she would get extremely upset if my explanations were confusing to her... Well, this argument, along with many others before that really did it for me.  I just couldn't take it anymore and left the house.

I am staying at one of my family's place and finally feel comfort.  I don't know how I was so blind.  I felt like the shell of a man I once was... I'm not sure who I am any more.  I've lost so much weight and daydream often about what could be.  I finally feel like my eyes are open now and know what I have to do.  But everytime I think about my wife, I feel so hurt because we did create a bond together.  We went through so many things together...   I cried today (I usually never cry) for the first time in a long time.  I cried when I thought about my wife and all the good things we did, and at the last of that memory, the words "good-bye" came up.  Even though it was toxic, I've never had such a bond.  Such codependency... .  I know this marriage is toxic and hurting us, but its so hard to say bye...    Does it get better than this?

[once removed]

hey lostsoul27 and

im really sorry to hear about the circumstances that brought you here, but im glad you found us. its of great comfort to find folks that can relate to what weve been through and support us through it. it sounds like youve really been through the ringer 

its great that you have a support system in terms of family and a place to stay during this time. and i admire you for having the courage to seek support here as well. have you considered reconnecting with some of your estranged friends?

[lostsoul27]

hey lostsoul27 and

im really sorry to hear about the circumstances that brought you here, but im glad you found us. its of great comfort to find folks that can relate to what weve been through and support us through it. it sounds like youve really been through the ringer 

its great that you have a support system in terms of family and a place to stay during this time. and i admire you for having the courage to seek support here as well. have you considered reconnecting with some of your estranged friends?

Hello OR.   Thank you for the reply.  It means a lot to me as I am going through extreme feelings of loneliness at the moment. 

Yes, I have caused damage due to my relationship with family and friends.  I have just started to reach out to my family and they are very understanding.  I am planning to reach out to my friends as well, but I may need time... .  I sometimes feel I shouldn't bother them with my problems... and don't know if I'm worthy to contact them again.  Nonetheless, I will contact them and apologize.  At least I can be at peace.

I feel like I finally found out why I am the way I am.  I am a codependent.  My mother and older brother have traits of narcissism.  I always tried to adapt the love from my mom and always wondered everyday if today she will go hysteric.  I found her behavior very hard but I was use to it.  My mom has calmed down a lot now.  But the damage has been done since a young age.  I was always wanting to be needed, trying to gain favor, be the caregiver... and BPD and codependents attract.  Since I know why I ended up like this, I can work on ways to fix myself.  I feel extremely lonely right now though.   Also optimistic of what the future has in store for me.  This is just another chapter in life.

[woofbarkmeowbeep]

Hello Lostsoul

I'm really sorry to read all this. I'm sure most of us will relate to your experience - I certainly do.

In answer to your question - yes, it will get better. For now though it's probably going to be quite tough for quite some time. I hope you can reach out to your friends and find the support you need. It might be good to find a therapist who understands BPD as well... Personally, I have found vipassana meditation to be a very helpful tool. They have centres in the US. If you are interested have a look at www.dhamma.org and maybe give it a try if it feels right.

Whatever the case, I send kind thoughts to you - I totally understand what it is like.

[once removed]

I am planning to reach out to my friends as well, but I may need time... .  I sometimes feel I shouldn't bother them with my problems... and don't know if I'm worthy to contact them again.  Nonetheless, I will contact them and apologize.  At least I can be at peace.

sorry to hear about the extreme loneliness, lostsoul. please know that we are here for you and that youre not alone in this. we are here 24/7. i agree that its a good idea to take your time with reconnecting with old friends and proceed at your own pace. i found when i tried to do the same i was a bit vulnerable and perhaps turned some people away. but sure youre worthy, and if these were close friends, i think you might be surprised how eager they are to support you and have you back in their life.

its an insightful connection that youve made in the midst of your grief, with regard to childhood and codependency - this is a very common dynamic in the stories of others here and i think having to adapt to please a parent with emotional volatility would understandably have a lasting effect. i agree with wbmb, that while it does get better, much of this can take a lot of time to process, and i second the notion of seeing a therapist as you do. i think your sense of optimism and the freedom that can come with self awareness will be your lifeline in the darkest depths of the loneliness. none of this is easy but we do understand, lostsoul, and we are here for you every step of the way.

[lostsoul27]

Thank you all for your reply.  You don't know how much it means to me.  I feel like this place is the only place I can really be understood. 

I mentioned that my family were understanding.  What I meant was, they were understanding of the divorce (my mother and brother never really like my wife).  I didn't give them the specifics, just said 'our personalities didn't match and nothing can be done'.  I love them because they are my family but I feel like I can't explain the real reason to them.  They won't understand why I'm codependent and I feel like they will take it as a direct insult.  I don't want to tell my mom that her personality caused some damage to me.  But I can't hold it inside just myself any longer.  Should I tell my narcissistic mom my issue with codependency? Or just speak to a therapist about it?

Also, for those who proceeded with the divorce with BPD wife, may I ask how you went about it?  Did you speak to a lawyer before telling the wife or vice versa?  I know I should take action but not sure on how I should tackle it. 

Thanks again for all the replies.  It is a light in this dark hole I've crawled into, guiding me out. 

[once removed]

I love them because they are my family but I feel like I can't explain the real reason to them.  They won't understand why I'm codependent and I feel like they will take it as a direct insult.  I don't want to tell my mom that her personality caused some damage to me.  But I can't hold it inside just myself any longer.  Should I tell my narcissistic mom my issue with codependency? Or just speak to a therapist about it?

i think speaking to a therapist about it, and us here as well, is a good and safe idea. youre in the midst of some major grief right now, and a family confrontation could go pretty badly, and might leave you alienated. while there is a strong connection you have made, at least for now, i would handle the two issues separately, as in, grieve first, and with time, as youre ready, approach these more self focused issues. if it would help, you might consider writing a letter to your mother, not sending it, but posting it here where folks can give you feedback and support.

Also, for those who proceeded with the divorce with BPD wife, may I ask how you went about it?  Did you speak to a lawyer before telling the wife or vice versa?  I know I should take action but not sure on how I should tackle it. 

you might consider starting a separate thread on these matters, and you can also check out our legal board here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=10.0

[lostsoul27]

Thanks OR.  I will do as you said.  I will not tell my parents the real reason why I am codependent but will speak to you guys and a therapist if time allows.  I don't know what I would have done if it weren't for you guys.  Also the internet.  So much information you can gather now.

I will try to work on me and my priorities.  I'll consider this as a blessing in disguise.  I know other people have had it lot worse since I have no kids in the picture.  And they still got over it so I can too.

I will constantly update my progress and share with all of you my experience